to have told my parents they cannot go away for the w/e next week?

[bananaistheanswer]

because it means I won't have childcare?

Background - I work 3 days, 2 long days (monday/friday) and a normal day on wednesday. My work used to be very flexible and accommodating, and any changes to my work pattern were usually agreed without any problems. Recently, however, there has been a general 'clamp down' on any requests to deviate from the usual work hours/pattern, with similar requests being refused to other colleagues. I am not a favourite employee, to say the least, and really don't need the hassle it will cause me if I go in on monday to say I have to change my working hours to accommodate my DM not being able to collect DD from school on friday. I can't swap my days around as I work from 9-9 on a friday, and don't have anyone who can cover those hours other than my DM. I have no holidays left, and would probably be refused permission to take a holiday given the lack of notice. I'd also happily work one of the 2 days I don't usually, to cover the hours I can't do on a friday (if I worked a normal day on the friday) but this has also recently been refused when previously it was not a problem.

The holiday thing came about as my dad decided he would spirit my mum away for a weekend, since she's now retired and not bound by her work. She worked alternate fridays, and on the days she did work, finished at 1pm so was able to collect DD no problems. She agreed to this to allow me to work my hours as I do now. This set up has been in place since a year past August when DD started school. Mum retired last month.

Now I would be more than happy to take a holiday if I had one, and had sufficient notice to allow me to request the time off so my mum can have a w/e away. The problem is, my dad just 'doesn't get' the fact that I agreed contracted hours with my work based on my mum's agreed help for 1 of my 3 days working. I'm locked into that contract, and have no chance of getting out of it, if this is to become a regular thing (which, given my dad's attitude, I suspect it might). Being regularly put in a tight spot like this fills me with dread, as I don't have enough holidays to allow me to take a friday off every time they do this (14 weeks holidays in school to cover, I get 5 weeks at present, and also have to take time off to cover childminder when she take a hols [she does the monday childcare] so it's a struggle to say the least).

My mum does me a huge favour by picking up DD on fridays, and I don't expect her to never have the chance to do something on a friday if she wants to. But, I can't do 'last minute' getaways in the situation I'm in. I pretty much said as much to my dad last night, and now he's pissed off with me for effectively telling him they can't go away next weekend.

So, AIBU?

(dons hard hat and flame proof all-in-one suit)

Not a non-argument, there have been lots of posts from people referring to how they don't have that luxury and they have to pay for childcare.

YANBU to expect your childcarer to be reliable, no matter who it is. Being related to someone does not give you carte blanche to be flaky.

Sounds to me like your dad isn't happy about the situation and wants it to end. TBH I think he's the problem here. He knows that you need your mum to be reliable and to be fair to her, it sounds as though she has been perfectly reliable for over a year. The "surprise" element of the holiday is handily allowing him to undermine your mum's reliability without her knowing about it and also makes you look like a meanie if you talk to her about the problems you're having and thus spoil the surprise. Your mum might well be horrified if she was aware of what's going on and how stressed you are about this. This is really rather controlling of your dad. TBH I don't think you're the only one with a problem in this situation. Your mum is also potentially in a controlling relationship. The childcare aspect is a red herring here - what if he was pulling this kind of stunt to stop her e.g. meeting up with friends? Would that still be ok?

TBH I think I would talk to her directly about it. Yes, it will spoil the surprise, but if your dad is using this as an underhand way of controlling your mum, then IMO it is more important to deal with that. I would find out whether she knew about the Friday thing or not. Ask her whether she's happy to continue looking after her DGC as she has done in the past and emphasise that you need a firm commitment - I think you need to emphasise that if she cannot or will not make that commitment then that's fine, but you'll have to find another regular carer who will. If she wants to carry on, agree with her the amount of notice you need for changes in plan. That way, everyone is on the same page.

YANBU

Thery are arses.

Whilst I do think YANBU - I am wondering what you would do if your DM phoned you on a Thursday night to say she was unwell? Would you be in the same situation that you are now?

Just read the first few pages of said thread.

Weird.

So because you're related to people in a mutually reciprocal community called The Family, you can't ask them to abide by agreements and honour their committments.

I always thought it meant you could expect more, not less.

I think it also hurts if your parents do something avoidable which causes you a lot of hassle and upset..feels very cruel..have been there

well said hully.

I think the problem is that some people are using this thread as a means of defending their own personal situation.

My point is not about any other specific poster. Its about the general issue of allowing grandparents to spend time and build a loving relationship without the added obligation of fitting their own life around their adult childrens.

My comment about 'hard graft' is not a sad view of looking after children. Looking after children is a lovely thing- but it's also an enormous responsibility and at times can be tough, repetitive and thankless. If you'd prefer, I could say 'childcare? Piece of cake, dead easy' - but I expect there would be thousands of SAHP and cms posting to disagree!!

All I am saying is that taking ALL views into account, including the regular threads on MN from mums who use grandparents for childcare, but are unhappy with the way certain things are done, yet feel disempowered to speak up, and also the threads by relatives who feel put upon but unable to speak up , the whole situation is a lot more complex than many people care to admit. There was also an interesting thread recently that showed that even where everything is peachy for one family, and they get free care for their kids, this might be at the expense of other family members. There was one poster whose parents lived far away, and could rarely visit because their lives revolved around providing childcare for the other set of grandchildren who lived locally. There are many shades of grey here. Also, while I agree that extended families can play a really important role, it's the parent who decide to have children, and the responsibility for organising things lies with them alone.

Lastly on the point about money- for those who say they couldn't afford childcare and thats why they rely on gp's- tbh those are the most worrying cases because tbh if the gps know that, then its a hell of a pressure on them. It's almost like the parents are saying 'we can only have children if you sign up to being our unpaid childcare.....' And what would happen if those gps get sick or frail? Are they going to feel comfortable about speaking up if the consequence will be the parent losing their job because they cant or wont organise other care?
No, not a pressure I would want to put on anyone

Agree with you Fanjo..also been there

YANBU at all.

I think your dad is being totally unreasonable.

My parents did the same, they agreed to help but then used to ring at short notice and say they have booked something. It meant dh taking time off, me taking time off or one of my sisters helping out.
Thing is it became too often and they really couldn't see the stress it caused.

You can't stop them going away but I would suggest you look at other arrangements as its likely to happen again.

callmemrs - I am sometimes unhappy with the way things are done with GP childcare - but I am not disempowered to speak up! I always tell my mother if I don't like something (sweets, TV, whatever) and you know what? It's precisely BECAUSE she's my mother that I feel I can say these things and expect (yes, expect - how entitled of me) that she will do things my way.

A lot of GPS don't regard childcare as an added obligation to complicate their own lives - it is part of their life; they are their grandchildren.

Mj- tbh I think its also worrying if grandparents make it clear that they would be offended if they aren't the first port of call for childcare. If I am lucky enough to be a grandparent one day, I hope that if my adult daughter or son decides they want to use a nursery, cm or nanny for childcare, I WON'T be selfish enough to foist my own particular views or preferences on them. I have had my children, my dh and I made our own choices about what childcare we preferred and it would have been extremely unhelpful if either set of grandparents had waded in 'we don't think a nursery is best' or whatever. Surely the first rule of parenting is that the PARENTS are free to make their own judgements without interference.

LOL , the op saying "given my dad's attitude" in her ridiculous first post

wonder what your mum and dad are thinking about your attitude op?

but then again, it doesnt really matter what they think does it, so long as they follow your schedule and dont expect to be able to make one of their own after working for years and looking forward to their retirement

YABU, but you wont see it

I think you are getting a hard time op, if you parents offered and committed it's not really fair of them to go back on it. For those posters asking " what if she was I'll" then that would be unavoidable and presumably op would take unpaid leave.

In the long term op, could you change your day from Friday to Thursday? A Friday is quite a tie if you want to get away for the weekend. My mum now does a Wednesday with dd2 for exactly this reason (which she loves by the way and would upset if I took that say away from her).

Sorry if that has already been suggested.

this sort of post shows what happens when boundaries are crossed, grandparents are childcare first and granny second, and it causes a rift in the relationship

always better to pay for your childcare and keep granny for what she should be, a gran not a nanny

and if you cant afford to pay, look at alternatives, dont post "oh I cant afford childcare but I have to work and cant do anything other than use my mum" cos thats just a cop out

banana where in scotland, I would help ig I coulf

If I could, even