AIBU to think that if you invited to a relative's house for Christmas you shouldn't then have to forfeit your presents?

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Brief outline - have been invited to SIL and BIL (who are very, very comfortable financially) again for Christmas. She put it to DH that she would use the money she would normally spend on our presents to buy the food.

So, we spend about £80 on diesel to get there and take some nibbley type food, xmas cake and wine normally anyway, plus their presents. Nowhere near the same income level as them.

AIBU to feel a bit about this?

Should have added - our kids will still get their presents. SIL and BIL don't have children together.

Tell them that since they're getting your presence they won't be getting presents either.

say that sounds like a fab idea and you will use the money you were going to spend on their presents on the costs you mentioned.

Everyone happy then surely

Say to her great idea and ask her for a list of stuff for you to bring. Minus presents of course.

We are doing the same. But also getting presents and SIl will not hear of us paying for any food.
I will insist and if she won't take any money we'll give her a nice case of wine and champagne.
Doesn't sound like much fun to me. I'd rather not go if I were you.

Yes, tell them you have spent the money for their presents on the diesel/wine etc....

Yes, do what Leo said. And maybe the point aabout the fuel bills too.

I am evil so would smile happily and congratulate them on an excellent idea, then breathe a sigh of relief at two fewer presents to buy.

I wonder if its her way of trying to do away with the tradition of presents for adults?

What an odd thing to do...

They invited you over I assume? They're not a hotel so why treat your costs as deductible expenses.

I'd do the same in reverse as suggested above!!!

Holy Bacon.

MN has certainly been useful in opening my eyes to people's strange thought processes.

Not you, Maisie.

Obv.

The thing is we've already said we'll go - she invited us a week or so ago, and then called DH with this brainwave, so now don't feel as if we can't go! Definitely need to have a think about spending present money on diesel instead, but bloody hell, it's not as if we can afford to splurge the rest of the year - I was quite looking forward to getting one small nice thing under the tree

Oh I hate Christmas crap like this - YANBU, they are being tight wads. Unless they are happy to do no pressies in either direction in which case its ok.

If they can't afford Christmas pressies they can say that (I've said it before) but no, going to someone's house is not in lieu of presents.

My sister is a classic on this score - she once invited everyone to her's then tried to charge £20 per head! The spirit of giving, joyeaux noel to all. We told her where to stick that one (she had of course never offered any cold hard cash to anyone else when they had hosted).

Do you like going there?

I'm surprised they've made mention of ££s really, you invite people, you cater for them. Income levels are immaterial.

You said you're going 'again' - what usually happens?

I'd 'misunderstand' and say "Ok great that's a good idea, lets have a present amnesty for adults this year as funds are squeezed and we'll use the money we usually spend on your presents toward our diesel, nibbley type food, xmas cake and wine."

x post Armadillo - fast thread!

Tell her that it is an excellent idea for you grown ups to stop giving each other presents.

Bizarre - YANBU

do you really need presents? really? you aren't 7. i'm sre if there is something you really need they will help you out and get it for you, but TBH if you can afford £80 on diesel, nibbly bits, wine, and presents for them then i'm sure you can afford to buy whatever it is they would be buying you if you really needed to.

Slight devil's advocate here but by the looks of your OP your spending Christmas with them is a regular occurrence? They might be feeling the pinch like so many people are at the moment and catering for other people at Christmas is very expensive. Perhaps they just feel that they can't afford to cater for everyone again this year and buy presents for the adults on top of that, but then have dealt with it in a very cack-handed manner.

I'd respond by saying you think that's a great idea, and it would also help you and DH out a lot by not doing adult presents as it will help with the £80 diesel costs etc.

When our kids were born we told my sister and sill (who don't have kids) not to buy us presents, only buy for the kids, it seemed unfair for us to only buy them one present yet they had to buy 4!

In terms of food, we do Christmas every year for both families we love it but it is expensive, turkey alone about £50, never mind the trimmings, alcohol (my family can drink a lot!) No one ever brings anything, or offers!

If she is putting money towards food that she would have spent on presents and you are paying £80 diesel just don't take as much food! just take a thank you bottle of wine?

We've gone for the last 3 years since DFIL died after being ill for years - MIL goes down a bit earlier, and we go down when the DCs finish school. We all like going, it's one of the few times we all get together, and they have huge house and garden to die for so plenty of space for us all.

I think the adults probably do need to stop giving each other presents, but as we are such a small extended family it's something we've always done. I think this will be the year though - although I think I'd rather have the present than eating it in the form of a slice of turkey

Don't bring gifts..or if you do, make it token ones for a tenner or something.

Surely the whole idea is that you all enjoy spending the time together?

We're in a similar position with out B/Sils. They host the family get-together every year. We had an adult present amnesty a couple of years ago. Although this has evolved into a home-made-gift tradition where we all make something - chutney/wine/jewellery (SiL designs jewellery) for each other so adults have something to open.

I am conscious that Sil & Bil shoulder the mammoth share of the cost for this gathering, but while their income is way higher than ours, I've never ever factored that into the reasoning until this moment. Rather that they have the convenience of being in their own home which they would prefer, its understood that everyone will bring alcohol & snacks, and its never been voiced but I assume they're aware we're spending £80 on diesel to travel to them. Although you have opened my eyes to the fact that its not wholly fair - perhaps I could offer to contribute something extra, maybe a big boozy cake as you do.

Oooh I absolutely can't WAIT, I'm getting excited just typing about it...

In that case why not suggest that you all chip in for the food and drink this year instead and still do presents?
My family all get together every year at someone's house but one person is responsible for doing the drinks order, and another for the food, everyone agrees what to order and then the cost is split between all of us.

It might be that SIL and BIL feel obliged to do this every year and are not as comfortably off as you think; appearances can be deceiving.

Just take a good amount of food & booze (maybe offer to bring something significant like the crackers or the pudding) and no presents for them. Then it's all equal.

We offered to chip in for food - we do every year (well, the last 2 that we've been going) - but our offer has been declined. The food is all top of the range organic, and I can assure you, they are comfortable!! Think big 6 figure salary and you are nearly there...

We go to them becuase they have the biggest house, and space for us all. Christmases were never spent together previously, with DFIL being so ill he found it very stressful having a full house. A couple of times in years past BIL/SIL would go to MIL/FILs and they would then come through to ours for a fews hours on Boxing Day, but that wasn't great as FIL couldn't travel.