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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that if you invited to a relative's house for Christmas you shouldn't then have to forfeit your presents?

151 replies

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 03/11/2011 11:36

Brief outline - have been invited to SIL and BIL (who are very, very comfortable financially) again for Christmas. She put it to DH that she would use the money she would normally spend on our presents to buy the food.

So, we spend about £80 on diesel to get there and take some nibbley type food, xmas cake and wine normally anyway, plus their presents. Nowhere near the same income level as them.

AIBU to feel a bit Hmm about this?

OP posts:
kitya · 04/11/2011 09:38

I would still buy them presents to be honest. As a thank you. Do they spend alot of money on your children? Im childless but spend a fortune on all the children in our family not just Christmas but, birthdays as well. I hardly get anything back and, I never will. Its not about giving to receive though. I dread to think how much they are spending entertaining you all for three days.

sozzledchops · 04/11/2011 09:46

YABU and a bit ungrateful. It costs a lot to wine and dine guests, they will probably be spending hundreds to say nothing of looking after guests etc. Why don't you host next time?

fluffy123 · 04/11/2011 09:57

I think you are being very unreasonable. I would take at least a case of wine and presents for the hosts. I don't think their income comes into it . Are you jealous of them?

growing3rdbump · 04/11/2011 10:02

I'd take food and drink to offer as presents...

Or suggest a secret Santa between adults...

Or get DH to tell her you both think it's a great idea to stop doing adult presents.

shineynewthings · 04/11/2011 10:11

Yet more proof that the so called message of christmas if there ever was one has been completely lost and it has no value save that of making commercial organisations rich.

It's all about the spend and the presents. Less about simplicity and time together.

We should really stop calling it Xmas now and go back to Saturnalia or Winterval.

MrsUnassumingTroll · 04/11/2011 15:40

I didn't notice £100 worth of better-tasting turkey to be honest especially after DH and MIL overcooked it

2rebecca · 04/11/2011 15:46

I wouldn't want to spend xmas with someone that mean. I usually spend more on people I see on xmas day, whether going to them or them coming here just because it's more fun opening lots of daft presents together. I'd be telling them I'd rather contribute to the food, and discussing the cost of diesal and that you are more put out if you travel. I suspect they haven't thought about it from your angle. Tell them the stuff you are telling us.

kitya · 04/11/2011 16:03

They are probably spending five times the amount of the OP, though? I wouldnt even bring it up if it was me. If the petrol is too much then, dont go. My train this year is £83 and thats only for one person. You just pay it because its Christmas and, its family. I would expect my mother, at my age, to then buy me £83 worth of presents.

Blacksquirrel · 04/11/2011 17:24

I don't understand why childless couples get no presents but have to pay out for children in the family.

I don't buy for my sis as I buy for her 2 children, but I would spend the same amount on my other sis & brother as it would seem unfair on them.
I don't expect presents ( & don't get any) and in return my DC's get presents.

Moln · 04/11/2011 17:44

Kitya is there a "n't" missing off you would before "expect"? I'm guessing there is!!

I'm not sure about this situation OP - does your SIL and BIL actually really and truely get to invite everyone or is it because they have the bigger house it's expected of them and they are forced into it because it 'has to be a family christmas'

As for them being loaded appearances aren't everything, it might all be tied up. Maybe they have financial worries and SIL is panicking about cost.

even if they are it doesn't mean that the have to (though i do get where you are coming from to feel that it's a bit uneven).

What sort of presents do they get your children? Also what sort of presents did they used to get you?

Meanness can be interpreted by this usually.

As for them not accepting money off you then you should do what my parents did last time I refused to take cash off them stick it somewhere just before you leave and that way they can't give it back. You are paying for diesel and nibbles but they are paying for food (I'm guessing you get breakfast too, and something on the evening you arrive), drinks, heating, water used for washing etc etc

Right I've decided I'm going with YABU. though i suspect there is more to it than mets the eye about this relationship

kitya · 04/11/2011 17:52

Grin yest of course there an n't missing!!

I would go mad if my mother spent that much on me!

heleninahandcart · 04/11/2011 17:57

They have spent years buying for you and DH and your DC. For the last 3 years you have just had to buy a few bits and turn up at their house for 3 days of hospitality, food, drink and organization. You think you're entitled to a present too. OK

kitya · 05/11/2011 16:41

What did she normally buy you? Jo Malone candles? I think you have to copp on to the fact that people just dont have the money this year.

sozzledchops · 05/11/2011 16:52

TBH, I think being hosted, wined and dined for several days should be 'present' enough and more. I had some groups of friends over for several Christmas dinners. It cost a fortune, much more than just buying some turkey and spuds to say nothing of the preparation, tidying the house for guests etc and the stress involved in the run up. Luckily it was all worth it and had a great time.

Deepbreathkids · 05/11/2011 17:02

Twats. Do you really have to go? If you do follow others' suggestions and play a retaliatory game and chalk it up to crazee families.

eminencegrise · 05/11/2011 17:33

Just suck it up. Do you really need more presents? Don't say anything along the lines of, 'We'll use the money we would have spent on your gifts on petrol,' or make reference to the money you spend on petrol to get there, that is very, very rude.

sozzledchops · 05/11/2011 18:06

just re-read so you want them to get your children presents (which they seem happy to do so) and you and your husband presents and they will also host you and spend a fortune doing so. You normally buy them presents (they have no children) and bring some nibbles and wine. I'd say you are getting abloody good deal and I'd be asking them not buy me presents on top as I'd be embarrassed.

MrsCampbellBlack · 05/11/2011 18:15

Agree with Bella/Anniemac and lots of others that unless you've hosted a large family christmas you really don't appreciate how much it costs.

We're comfortable and we've done the big christmases and I've had to take a few deep breaths about how much I've spent and how much time it takes to do all the organisation.

And £80 of diesel and some nice food/wine - well even if you'd spent £200 - I wouldn't be surprised if your sil has spent many times more than that. As has been said - easy to spend £100 on the turkey alone.

Anyway if I were you if there's ill feeling - I'd just stay at home.

scarletfingernail · 05/11/2011 18:38

YABU.

You could stay at home, save the £80 diesel money and put it towards Christmas in your own house. £80 won't buy you much though.

Your SIL will be spending a fortune hosting your family over 3 days and she is still buying your DCs Christmas gifts. I'd be ecstatic if a relative offered to put me and my family up in comfortable surroundings and take charge of Christmas dinner. And yet you think that the £80 cost for your diesel could be considered your gift to her?

You have DC and SIL doesn't. She's buying your DC presents which is lovely. You should have told her before now not to buy for you and your DP/DH. You should however still buy for them as they are without DC and are your hosts.

MorallyBankrupt · 05/11/2011 19:18

OP you are so tight! Seriously? You don't want to 'eat your present in the form of a slice of turkey' well at least you'll get some pleasure out of it! What pleasure at all will she get from your petrol costs?! And please don't say the pleasure of your company.....

I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't get invited at all next year tbh.

missfairlie · 05/11/2011 19:23

I wouldn't dream of it but it depends how "very very comfortable financially" they are. They might not agree with your assessment of their situation.
Of course you have to buy them gifts. Perhaps they were expecting you to offer to contribute towards food?
When we host Christmas I know it costs a lot, so if someone is feeling the pinch I guess she is just trying to be practical.

kitya · 05/11/2011 19:26

Ive just noticed that your hosts, like me dont have children. And, like me still buy generous gifts for the children in the family. The least you can do is buy them a nice gift. I spend a fortune on my nieces and my sister and bil insist I dont buy them anything. I do get the turkey,thiough so, it all works out in the end.

I bet they buy your children lovely gifts for their birthdays too, do you even buy them birthday presents?

I love buying the children presents, I never resent not getting the value back. Ever. It is very nice to get something though, just a token gift. Im sure she would appreciate some expensive bubble bath or something.

I cant believe you arent even considering buying for them.

YABU

Pancakeflipper · 05/11/2011 19:43

We used to always host Christmas Dinner for our families. But they live quite far away and some would be staying over. More preparation of bedding/towels/cleaning etc.

And it did used to cost us about £200.00 for the meal and then had to make sure there were enough nibbles when they got peckish later. Oh and the drinks - they all wanted something different..

It also took a fair bit of preparation. But I do have picky family who have to have things exactly.

It was really hard work especially having kids of my own whom I wanted to spend time with. I felt I was always preparing food. I could hear the whooping and the laughter but never saw it.

We are not super wealthy so it was fair chunk of money to us.

We'd get everyone presents.
And they never said thanks for the meal ( though they do expect to be waited on hand and foot). We began to dread it.

Then a few years ago we had to make some severe cutbacks at around Christmas time. And we told our families that we wouldn't be able to Christmas at ours. No-one asked us to their homes for Christmas. And we actually found the "quiet" Christmas just us together was really stress free and really easy. And fun. We had a brill time.

We've not asked the family back since. They hint. We smile. They come for cold cuts on Boxing Day now.

slavetofilofax · 05/11/2011 19:56

It does sound like you are going to be there for long enough to be fairly expensive to host.

YABU because they have to buy for your children, you don't have to spend extra money because of their life choice and I think that you should sacrifice your presents from family when you have children anyway.

Theala · 05/11/2011 19:58

Whatever about Christmas, if someone was putting me and my (hypothetical) family up for three days, I would still get them a present to thank them for their hospitality, no matter how much I'd spent on getting there. It's just good manners, isn't it?

FWIW, in my own family, us siblings and various ILs don't bother getting each other presents (we agreed this one year); none of the adults get presents from each other. Only my parents and the kids do, which is right and proper imo.

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