AIBU to think that if you invited to a relative's house for Christmas you shouldn't then have to forfeit your presents?

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Brief outline - have been invited to SIL and BIL (who are very, very comfortable financially) again for Christmas. She put it to DH that she would use the money she would normally spend on our presents to buy the food.

So, we spend about £80 on diesel to get there and take some nibbley type food, xmas cake and wine normally anyway, plus their presents. Nowhere near the same income level as them.

AIBU to feel a bit about this?

we gave up buying for sister & brother when we all had kids (we have 3 each) and now buy just for them. I do get something for mum, and 'presents' to the nieces/nephews is now money, but it's a lot easier than thinking of stuff, especially when the present seems to just get tossed aside if it's not the latest computer game/phone/ipod. And our budget of £20 per person doesn't go far on that sort of thing!

Maisie

I think your SIL is pi$$ed off. I say that because I did a similar thing to members of my family. Do you think that perhaps she's peed off because it is always them organizing and coughing up for Christmas? Why not ask if you can host one year, then they will have to pay the S$80K diesel. It just seems to me that your last comment about you'd rather have the present sounds a bit juvenile! (sorry).

Another thing, though not directed at you in particular as I have read it on other posts. Why is it assumed (it kind of is indirectly because it slips into the conversation here) that because they are financially OK, that they should pay for everyone else. I must say here that I am particularly biased and have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about this as I do get a lot of my family assuming that we are going to pick up the cost of stuff. As I said, this is not necessarily directed at you. For example, my husband and me are probably what a lot of people would call well off, although I don't really think so. We are both working class and pulled ourselves up from our own bootstraps. We both studied hard and worked hard and put in a lot of hours/ We have never been extravagant and have spent our money wisely. Now we are in a good position. Some of our close relatives NEVER buy us a Christmas present. I didn't even get a present on my 40th. I don't care, but a gesture (think 2 quid) would be nice. However, when we then said, perhaps now that we are all grown up we can drop the presents, they went mad and said we were selfish and they were very hurt! Also when I invite certain relative around they never bring a bottle of wine or anything else but will drink themselves under the table.

Sorry to go off thread (and on one!) I just think that maybe there is more to it than you think!

To be honest their income has nothing to do with it; they sound very generous if they are hosting you all every year, buying top of the range food, not to mention actually hosting you all which involves a lot of prep beforehand, the actual cooking, hosting and looking after people, and then the clearing up/cleaning when everyone's gone home.
For you to then complain because you're not getting a present on top of all that is a bit off tbh.

i think people underestimate just how much it costs to provide food and drink for a family gathering. Even when people bring a few nibbles and such like it still costs alot of money. They will also be the ones putting in the time and effort to prepare for xmas and to entertain you on the day. Also if they are spending money on your children aswell I think you should be a little more understanding.

I think you should take the things you have said you would and then a token gift as a gesture of thanks.

That does seem a bit of an odd thing to say. However I'd personally rather have dinner cooked for me than have yet another perfume or bath-stuff set or whatever else that I don't really need or want! Do you particularly want presents from them, or is it more the principle of the thing?

You could just say you'll bring wine/cake/nibbles instead of presents for them. They can't complain about that, surely, you're using their own logic!

P.s. Galaxyweaver, I love your idea of small bottle and choccies and I would love to receive something like that!

Shall I say hosting one more time?

I never understand why people think a large salary obligates people to splash the cash and spend more than others. You are starting to sound a little entitled OP and a tad grabby.

I would just say back (or let dh say) "oh good idea to cancel out on presents for grown ups" and leave it at that

Of course,now that brother and sister don't buy for adults either, and DH is now exDH, I won't get anything under the tree either, but then I don't actualy need anything. It would just be more stuff.

So she caters & puts you up & you think that you should get a present as well?

Wow!

Have you ever thought what it costs her to feed the 4(?) of you?

It´s unfortunate that the diesel is so much, but then you don´t have to go, do you?

I´d still buy them presents for having tbh.

YABU to expect any presents full stop, they're presents, they are wholly at the discretion of the giver.

I think them bringing it up was possibly deliberately to give you the out of not getting anything for them - perhaps they are thinking of your financial situation and thinking it would be good to give you a way out of having to buy for them.

I do hate the way that Christmas brings out the grasping in people and no, YANBU in feeling rather surprised at your SIL's "brainwave". I'd always contribute to an invitation to Christmas - bring decent port, say, or whatever the host felt would be useful but it wouldn't come at the expense of presents. This said, we've long instituted the custom of not expecting the adults to receive masses of expensive presents anyway and always exchange thoughtfully chosen little gifts which, at my BIL and SIL's house are exchanged at teatime as "tree presents".

I don't expect to turn up and trough down wildly expensive hospitality without offering a contribution but equally, I'd probably feel rather surprised at being charged £20 a head for it or discover there was an implied and unexpected cost. Luckily we can afford to lay on a very convivial Christmas but an invitation means just that - we want the pleasure of people's company, not their money. This year we'll spend Christmas Day with ds2, ddil and dgd whose first Christmas it is. They have less disposable income so we've already decided who will bring what and this discussion was entirely grief-free. Which is really what Christmas ought to be too.

We stopped buying adult presents ages ago. Just buy for nieces and nephews although we do still get our parents something. Tell them you think it's a great idea not to but presents for the adults and you'll use the money on petrol and nibbles.

I also think your hosts are being generous and I think their suggestion is sensible. How long do you stay for?

The income thing was because someone earlier raised the issue. The organic food thing is because SIL only does organic and M&S, and spends a lot of time going to farmers markets etc throughout the year and in the lead up to xmas - whilst we are Asda and Tesco! The prep thing is something that she has assured us she enjoys doing, because she is on her own for most of the year as BIL travels extensively.

We are usually there for lunchtime on xmas eve, and we spend the rest of the day getting the food ready, and all pitch in on xmas day to get everything ready/tidied up afterwards. She has assured us regularly that she wants a big family Christmas, and loves the fact that there are children in the house as she gets to do Santa and stockings - we are always very, very careful to wait until she invites us, and have done 15 years of having Christmas in our own house, so it's new for us to be invited anywhere.

The present thing was a joke - 2 [grins], see?! SIL is very assertive and would have no problem in telling us if something was a problem.

I'm perfectly happy to cut out presents for the adults - it's not a big deal at all. I just didn't want to seem churlish by saying "OK, in that case, given that we normally spend a lot on diesel getting to yours we'll use the money we spend on your presents on that instead" - just seemed as if it might look a bit like we were reacting to her change of plan, but it suits us fine to cut back a bit.

Egg - we get there on xmas eve lunchtimeish and leave on the 27th again around lunchtime.

YABU.

Their income is irrelevant.

They have invited you to spend the most special day of the year with them, are cooking for you and have bought presents for your children, but instead of being happy and glad that they want to do this you are sulking that they haven't got you a present and that you will have to use diesel to get to their house and buy them a gift.

It is incredibly ungrateful.

360, anyone?

And they're putting you up for three nights too?!

I'm not trying to be a dick maisie but if you were joking about the presents, what's the point to your OP?

Ralph - have you actually read all of my posts properly?

And yes, they are putting us up for 3 nights too!! Again, refer to my earlier posts.

I lost my dear DH last year and spent Christmas with my DS, taking the usual presents, paying for meals out now and again (warm place) and things from the supermarket - contributing. This year, I will be at a DSS and have the usual presents to take but I would like to contribute to the cost by buying somthing there (a flight away so cannot take a lot). They decline any offer I make so I will have to wait for a supermarket trip and wade in with my debit card before my DSDiL can!