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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that if you invited to a relative's house for Christmas you shouldn't then have to forfeit your presents?

151 replies

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 03/11/2011 11:36

Brief outline - have been invited to SIL and BIL (who are very, very comfortable financially) again for Christmas. She put it to DH that she would use the money she would normally spend on our presents to buy the food.

So, we spend about £80 on diesel to get there and take some nibbley type food, xmas cake and wine normally anyway, plus their presents. Nowhere near the same income level as them.

AIBU to feel a bit Hmm about this?

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 03/11/2011 18:29

Who totals up the cost of the petrol to where they are going the way you have OP ?

What do your relative incomes have to do with it ?

YABU and greedy

ujjayi · 03/11/2011 18:53

YABU.

Are you privy to the actual balances of their bank accounts? Do you know exactly what their income and outgoings balance out to be? Then you cannot say that they are comfortably off with absolute certainty. Have you considered that perhaps things are tighter than usual and they are embarrassed to say so because, oooh, I don't know...perhaps because their finances are jack-all to do with you?

I get fed up with my family thinking that we are in receipt of limitless funds when it comes to things like this. Sometimes in life the big house/garden etc are nothing but smoke & mirrors, OP. Perhaps they could afford it all at one time but not now.

As others have said, you are a grown woman, not a child and you do not need to have a present. If it offends you so much then return the offer - by either saying "okay we will share costs of entertaining with you rather than gifts too" or perhaps actually offering to host?

Bellavita · 03/11/2011 19:04

I do it for my parents. They have had their time doing this... My parents do help out with prepping veg, cost etc. Will also bring a lovely tin of biscuits and. Ie chocolates.

It is the likes of my brother who does not have a friffing clue!

AnotherEmptyNest · 03/11/2011 19:30

I love having a crowd round at any time. I cater and pay for it. I get in some wine and wretched coke soft drinks and the guests (usually between 5 and 15 in number not age) always contribute wine or nibbles. We all have a good time and this year, alone for the first time, it took me two days to clear up and a further week to eat the leftovers. --- But I had a lovely time. It's all about being together and when it's a family what are you complaining about? Your family will not always be there so make the most of it while you have it especially while your children can socialise with family members who will eventually become further away as they grow older.

Have you thought that, although you think they are well off, the current financial situation in this country might have made a difference to them in some way?

Iggly · 03/11/2011 19:31

Well if it bothers you then tell your brother and ask him for help or to chip in.

Soups · 03/11/2011 20:57

She's worded it a bit oddly but I think she may want to bring an end to presents for adults. I'm with those who suggest saying something like "that's a good idea to get presents only for the kids, food and fuel are very expensive these days". Take a case of wine, or spirits to contribute.

I was the nasty SIL a few years ago when I decided no presents for adults. When I meet up with my side of the family we do a secret santa.

Bogeymanface · 03/11/2011 21:07

I have 12 for Xmas every year including Dsis and BIL and my parents. Sometimes I make dinner for my Dsis and her DH and she comes and fetches it and takes it home because he is working so they have their dinner when he has finished! Last year I got a last minute phonecall asking me to make her some stuffing as she was cooking for them as she wanted to do it herself, but forgot that she didnt know how to make our family Xmas stuffing! So I did.

And not a penny changes hands, they still get their gifts and I wouldnt dream of doing it any other way! I host, therefore I pay. If I didnt want to pay then i wouldnt offer to host. The gift giving is seperate from that and if I wanted to stop exchanging adult gifts (I dont btw!) then I would say so and not make it a condition of anyone coming to lunch.

spiderpig8 · 03/11/2011 23:15

So they are having you for 3 days and you somehow think that the fuel to get you there is a present to them?? Confused

alistron1 · 04/11/2011 06:00

Maybe they are waiting for a bonus and have put down a deposit on a swimming pool.

Does your BIL lok like Chevy Chase?!

levantine · 04/11/2011 06:25

Just do no presents for adults. Simple

I do remember one year going to SILs and BILs for Christmas (two nights one day) with a crate of wine (and lots of pressies). We asked if we could contribute financially and they said yes please, £200 should cover it. I was rather Shock.

I'm sure they did spend an absolute fortune though as BIL is a mega foodie and my PILs and an elderly uncle were there too, none of whom could afford to contribute really.

levantine · 04/11/2011 06:25

We were two adults and a baby at the time, so not hoards of us

KatyN · 04/11/2011 07:16

We hosted Christmas for the first time a few years ago.. 3 days for 5 people and we spent just short of £300. It was not super posh or organic. Since them we have all chipped in £10 a month from September just so that whoever hosts has a bit of cash to take the sting out.
I think it's easy to forget how much christmas can cost, I would think your diesel cost will be tiny in relation to their outlay.

Katy

MrsMoominTroll · 04/11/2011 07:42

FWIW, you may be spending £80 on diesel, but a decent turkey from a butcher costs about that.

And that's just the turkey, no alcohol or other food or meals!

iscream · 04/11/2011 08:28

I would go anyways. The secret santa is a great idea. Bring some really good bubbly in case your sil weakens at the last minute and can't bear to not give presents.

StopRainingPlease · 04/11/2011 08:40

I agree about the cost of fuel - plus the time it takes to do the travelling (yes I know the hosts will have to put in time organising the food etc). We're always the ones to travel in the Christmas holidays, and while I don't begrudge the cost of visiting people I do often get fed up of the travelling and wish they would all make the effort to come to us instead. It's why I never expect a contribution from guests.

Hullygully · 04/11/2011 09:00

All money aside, it is rude to invite someone and then announce a unilateral changing of the present rules that implies they are a sponger and can't be afforded.

She could have found an inoffensive way of dealing with it.

Hullygully · 04/11/2011 09:02

But more puzzlingly, don't you all talk to each other? Can't you have a friendly and open chat about how to share xmas duties and costs?!

We host xmas most years for the family and everyone shares out costs and jobs and helps prepare and clean up. There's a fight to clean up - anything to avoid the charades.

maighdlin · 04/11/2011 09:05

inviting someone to your house and then even mentioning costs to the guest is plain rude in my book, never mind trying to "recoup" the money either in the form of present withdrawal or as have seen on mumsnet a bill Shock. I'm having my dad and aunt to mine for christmas so will be feeding four adults and a child all day and providing drinks but i invited them so i pay. I go all out for xmas dinner M&S and other expensive things, and I am in no way wealthy. I would actually be offended if my dad or aunt offered me money to cover the costs. They will get the same present if they spend christmas at my house or someone else's. I think OP SIL is no being U but plain rude.

Bogeymanface · 04/11/2011 09:09

FWIW, you may be spending £80 on diesel, but a decent turkey from a butcher costs about that.

No way! Really?! This is another reason I am glad that we dont have turkey!

MrsUnassumingTroll · 04/11/2011 09:10

I do agree that your SIL's bizarre statement about presents might be a way of her expressing frustration about something else.

I do recall that the past few Christmases (and other occasions) where we have hosted family and forked out a few hundred quid in the process, what has really rankled has been the fact that DH and I have been stuck in the kitchen for hours, preparing food and clearing up, whilst family members get to watch our young DCs play with their new presents. It would definitely have rankled less if they had contributed more financially.

So it might be as simple as offering to take charge of a meal or two whilst you're there, or one aspect of the main Christmas meal, from start to finish (including washing up).

We were comfortably off in past years. If we were hosting again this year, when things are much tighter for us, it would seriously piss me off if no one helped financially or practically. And yet we still appear comfortably off to everyone else (SIL said something like "you've got loads of money" a few weeks back to us, even though we were explaining why we can't afford a holiday next year).

MrsUnassumingTroll · 04/11/2011 09:12

I've even paid more than £80 for a top-of-the-range organic free-range turkey! Am sure I recall paying £100+ one year. Would never do that now Shock

Bogeymanface · 04/11/2011 09:23

Wow Mrs! Did it taste any better, that is, £100 worth of better?!

bintofbohemia · 04/11/2011 09:27

They sound fun. Hmm

Stay home, spend £80 diesel money on booze. Grin

Jux · 04/11/2011 09:30

We always host Xmas because we're the only ones with a child. Until the last couple of years both my brothers would come, my mum lived with us so was here anyway.

I'm just happy to have my brothers there. I don't care whether presents are included or not. My younger bro would go completely overboard on presents for dd, though!

Big bro provides alcohol. Little bro would always offer money which I would refuse, but he would leave a generous amount in an envelope which he would give to dd with instructions to hand it over to me after he'd gone.

I can't say I've ever returned it to him Grin

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/11/2011 09:31

Are they really that far away that it's £80 on diesel? Yikes.. wouldn't want to do that drive on Christmas.