AIBU to think that if you invited to a relative's house for Christmas you shouldn't then have to forfeit your presents?

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Brief outline - have been invited to SIL and BIL (who are very, very comfortable financially) again for Christmas. She put it to DH that she would use the money she would normally spend on our presents to buy the food.

So, we spend about £80 on diesel to get there and take some nibbley type food, xmas cake and wine normally anyway, plus their presents. Nowhere near the same income level as them.

AIBU to feel a bit about this?

Jaded - it's not diesel plus nibbles, we take slightly more than that. However, it's all relative when you take our income (and what we have to buy over xmas) versus theirs. And where on earth do you get the idea that I don't have to cook the xmas dinner?! We all pitch in to the prep, cooking, serving and clearing up, as it should be.

Penthesileia

Your poor Dad!

Anyway, thanks for all your comments

Will probably cut out the adult gifts (long overdue imo), and will suggest the Secret Santa idea from earlier. Makes more sense in terms of who pays for what given that she won't take money for food, and will carry on taking the booze and other stuff (note - not smartprice )

your deisel money isn't a present to them thoughis it?

And if she took money for food, it might cost you even more!

It's always the well off that are tightwads. Like another poster said tell them that their present money is used for cake, petrol and wine, if they are nit picking. That attitude takes the whole spirit out of Christmas.

I don´t think that you can call them tightwads when there´s 2 of then & they are hosting for three more adults plus 2(?) children.

Perhaps SIL should just have said let´s not do presents.

I don't get this whole "yeah, but it costs me 80 pounds diesel to get there" argument. If I invited someone over to dinner and they then complained that they had to buy petrol to get there I sure as hell would tell them not to bother then.

Did I fall asleep and wake up in the 17th century where your extended family had to share with you what little wealth they had?

I think you should stay home next year and save on for fuel bills.

Oh they are putting you up for 3 nights and providing food, I didn't read that. You should take some nice gifts for them, or offer to take them out as a thank you.

Give them wine as their present and make sure everyone drinks it - then everyone's a winner!

Incidently, if you live in Morningside, did you know you can pick up your namesake in stuffed form in Toys Galore (if you don't this will mean nothing to you )

I dont think it sounds unreasonable at all to be honest, its a hell of a lot of work and expense to have people staying for 3 days over christmas, thats a lot of meals and quite stressful. Even if they seem very very comfortable financially you can not know their true financial status, it may be that they have had a drop in income this year and are feeling the pinch like many of us are.

If I go to stay with someone for a few days even if its family I always take them a gift or send flower after, to say thank you and to show that I appreciate them having us to stay

They are buying presents for your children, they dont have any children so if you were to buy for them you would only be buying the same amount of presents as they are, and if you want to look at it in terms of cold hard cash the diesel, nibbles and wine probably add up to less than they are spending

to me two christmas presents is not a big thing at all, I would do it and go and enjoy your christmas without making a huge deal of it

Masie I know it's not just Fuel and nibbles, but you can't start going down that road or you will have to start taking every expenditure on both sides into account.

And that's the point, you can't turn it into a big sum.

I think no adult presents, a bit of secret santa, and appreciation from both sides is all that's needed.

I think you are underestimating the costs of the food and her hospitality.

I'm comfortably off.

Last weekend I had friends round for a very simple kitchen supper (god, I sound all Jilly C). 2 courses only, some wine, good chat, nice to catch up.

Of the 4 invited guests only 1 person brought anything (a bottle of wine). Yet in order to host I had spend 70 quid in Waitrose which included 2 bottles of wine. We drank a further 1.5 bottles of wine and most people had a pre dinner G&T.

I also got lumbered with lots of clearing up.

Quite frankly despite my 'comfortable' salary I struggle to subsidise all those people on a regular basis. Only two of those guests are in a position to reciprocate hospitiality (due to their living arrangements) so it isn't as if I've got 4 nice dinners out to look forward to.

Sorry but the SIL should not offer to host if it costs her too much, or if she's resentful or doesn't feel she can buy presents and dish out food.

She should have thought about it, then suggested that no presents because the cost of hosting is high (instead of inviting them over, creating an expectation that things were as before then ringing up with a brainwave).

So people calling the OP grabby etc - I'd understandthat if the SIL had made the no presents suggestions up front. But she didn't, she changed the rules. The OP does contribute and help out on the day. People should be honest instead of festering resentment (hence why Xmas annoys me!)

Is that what you think lurker when you have people over? Of reciprocal arrangements? Blimey.

For recent Christmases where we've been at someone else's house, we've offered to pay for something significant like the turkey, as well as coming laden with wine, champagne and chocolates unlike other freeloaders who turn up empty-handed.

When we've hosted my family, my DPs gave us a load of Tesco vouchers to help pay for the food and drink, and my DSis and her OH have special diets anyway and so bring most of their own food.

Yes, being a host is hard work and expensive, but there are ways for everyone to contribute.

'The thing is we've already said we'll go - she invited us a week or so ago, and then called DH with this brainwave, so now don't feel as if we can't go!'

Why do you feel that way? Just say the kids wanted to stay home.

I'm wondering if she thinks you are struggling financially and is rather awkwardly trying to suggest that you don't need to buy gifts?

YABVU.

I have just written a long post, but deleted it. I thought what the hell. It is bloody expensive hosting Christmas. I have done it for the last 13 years, so I know.

And all the prep that goes in beforehand too.... I am bloody well run ragged the week leading up to Christmas.

I know my brother certainly hasn't a clue how much it closes.

Costs not closes

Why do it then? If it's a nightmare and expensive, don't invite anyone or stay at home.