AIBU to think that if you invited to a relative's house for Christmas you shouldn't then have to forfeit your presents?

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Brief outline - have been invited to SIL and BIL (who are very, very comfortable financially) again for Christmas. She put it to DH that she would use the money she would normally spend on our presents to buy the food.

So, we spend about £80 on diesel to get there and take some nibbley type food, xmas cake and wine normally anyway, plus their presents. Nowhere near the same income level as them.

AIBU to feel a bit about this?

Do what TheArmadillo suggests... you're back in control then which is what this is all about, I think. Buy yourselves some presents when you get home maybe? I'm thinking that MN is a little present-obsessed today.

they are putting us up for 3 nights too!

Er, buy them a present. Even just a small one. But make sure it's bloody nice!

Shame them by taking them presents. It is Christmas after all! Show them up by being just as generous as you always are. Surely the pleasure of Christmas is more about the giving than the receiving?

Yes maisie I have read all your posts! What am I missing?

You sound lovely, AnotherEmptyNest - wish you were my mil!

OP - it doesn't matter if your hosts are Bob Cratchit & family or Bill Gates - you should still show your appreciation. You sound envious of them and more than a little churlish. Your sil is probably a bit cheesed off that she is providing whole Christmas and you turn up with an Asda Smartprice cake and a bag of Value twiglets and then act as if you're doing them a favour.

Feeding all those people for 3 days over xmas will cost a fortune. Plus your SIL does all the organisation-bedding, food, etc etc. She may enjoy it but that doesn't mean it still takes time and money.

I got this kind of thing all the time from relatives who think we are very comfortable and so it's ok for us to spend hundreds of pounds whenever we have a family get together. -Mum's house didnt have room for everyone so it was assumed we would stay in the very expensive hotel down the road.
We ended up not going as often because I was fed up with no one else offering to stay at the hotel for a change.

Sorry OP but you should still be offering her a decent pressie or taking along a lot more food.

The income thing was because someone earlier raised the issue.

You mentioned it in the OP?

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable about the presents thing. For me, getting presents or not would not matter, but I'm very about SIL actually ringing up to tell the OP that she would be offsetting one lot of costs by cutting another. If there are money issues, or SIL just doesn't fancy shelling out for the costs of hosting and then doing presents on top, a nicer way to deal with it is to say 'I thought that rather than adults all buying each other presents, we could do Secret Santa instead and all buy one present of a value of £x.'

OP, if I were you I'd suggest Secret Santa and leave it at that.

No, someone earlier said that I shouldn't assume that they were comfortable, which is why I then went on to reassure her they were.

Quick, we do offer to take more food - every time. We also offer to chip in - every time. She refuses, point blank, so we take alcohol, boozy cake, chocolates, cheese, nibbles etc etc.

Gramercy - we don't, I can assure you, take along an Asda smartprice anything.

Will get DH to have a conversation with her tonight.

It is interesting being on the other side of an AIBU, isn't it

I think you sound really petty and a bit grasping to be honest.Do you, as an adult really care whether they get you a present or not?
in any case they are buying for your DC and you are buying for them so that's quits isn''t it?
try being a bit more gracious instead of pricing everything up!!

Lady - we always do stockings, in that SIL and I always buy little things for everyone's stockings (as well as buying presents for each other). Your idea of a Secret Santa is a good one, thanks

Stop offering to take things and insist on it. Just say.. We are bringing veg, potatoes, wine, a ham for boxing day etc etc.

spiderpig, to be fair I think it sounds as if SIL is the one pricing things up, telling her 'guests' exactly how she's planning to manage her costs. There are more politic ways to manage money and hosting.

Sorry Sharrie, I know what you mean. There is an awful pressure for Christmas to be 'special' for want of a better word and having been a lonely, bereaved person myself on Christmas Day I do know how utterly utterly shit it can be.

Read your OP Maise. IOn the first line you say SIL and BIL(who are very very comfortable financially)

sounds like you are both as bad as eachother. So should be a good match.

Talking about "I should not forfeit my presents" Forfeit?! forfeit?! FFS are you mad? You both have an inflated sense of entitlement and me-me-me attitude.

Just go.

you deserve eachother.

happy happy christmas

I think that as an adult you should not expect presents. I always find that people start dissecting what they have been bought and criticizing that not enough money was spent, too much was spent, the present was frumpy, what where they trying to tell me with that bath set. etc. etc. I's much rather just come together for a meal and enjoy. If you want to buy presents for the kids, set a limit say 10 pounds per kid or do a secret santa.

One of the best presents I've ever seen was to my nephew. His aunt never ever bought him a present. On his 21st birthday she handed him a bank book with over a thousand pound in it (Christmases, birthdays and easter). He knew that she was saving for him. He was absolutely chuffed!

Yes, I know - but it was in relation to a later post

I just don't think I can get my head around being invited somewhere for Christmas, accepting their kind offer (with the usual are you really sure, what can we bring/contribute) and then being told that presents are no longer being done because that money is being used for food.

I honestly don't have a problem with no presents - DSis and I had this exact conversation a month ago, and we are now cutting out the adults - but I feel that our costs are still going to be there, plus presents, as there is no way I can now turn round and say "OK, well, in that case, since we are working out costs, your present money is going on diesel, although I'll bring you a thank you for having us gift and the usual food, and if you don't like it we're not coming". That really would be churlish.

I've only skimmed the thread, I must admit, but why can't you just turn up with the obligatory thank-you gift (flowers, etc.), and no presents for them? If they don't give them to you, they can't possibly expect presents in return. Say nothing about it in advance. Just don't bring/give any.

At least they warned you in advance. One year (one & only!) my cousin and his wife invited us (dad, sister & myself) to Christmas, along with his inlaws, parents, etc. He is extremely well-off. After we'd spent 3 days there (2 nights), with no say in what was prepared, food, etc., just as we were leaving, he presented my father with a £300 bill. No warning. It was just awful. My poor dad just didn't really have that kind of money, but felt too embarrassed not to pay up.

OP i do kind of understand about the small extended family and getting a present. I have no brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles etc so always just got something from DM and DF - now have DH as well but since having DCs - am back at square one because everyone wants to buy for them so you get a bit relegated. DH and the chidlren always buy me something lovely and I treat myself to something small under the tree for myself as well [Veruca Salt emoticon]

So I get the present instead of turkey thing

BUT

This isn't about them getting you a present, this is about you 'adding up the value of turkey and potatoes, subtracting diesel and wine, then subtracing your income from whatever you imagine theirs is and ended up feeling hard done by. This is VU.

Christmas shouldn't be abouth maths

But if it is, then I put it to you that Organic Christmas dinner plus 3 nights accomodation trumps £80 on diesel plus nibbles.

You say that she keeps 'insisting' that you can't contribute to the food - this is probably becasue she is mindful that they have more money than you. Ditto the presents. She has probably wanted to ditch the adult to adult present thing for ages and this seemed like a good way to broach it. She might even have thought this would make it easier for you as you would feel less pressure to buy her something you can't really afford.

I will take a chill pill and be grateful you've got somewhere nice to go and don't have to cook Christmas dinner.

They are buying presents for your children, as well as hosting, so it seems to me that you are still, for want of a better phrase "getting the better deal"

Why on earth is your husband going to phone?

They are not buying you presents-you can buy for them or not, as you see fit.

just say ' yes lets not do adult gifts as tthe petrol will be quite expensive'

penthesileia