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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister and BIL going away without baby (again) - AIBU or not...?

291 replies

ariadnethethird · 02/11/2011 19:25

I can't work out if I am being a bit silly or not so am biting the bullet and asking the MN jury...

My sister and her boyfriend have a lovely 6 month old son and are off this weekend to Centreparcs, but leaving the baby with his grandmother. This is, that I know of, the fifth time they have left him with someone for the weekend, which considering he is 6 months old, seems a lot to me. When I heard they were off to Centreparcs, which is very child friendly (although I do realise the baby is too young for most of it), I actually felt quite sorry for him. My sister said they 'need a break' as they have both been working long hours (and the baby has been farmed out to various grandparents) and taking the baby wouldn't be very relaxing.
So, is it me being unreasonable to think they are being a bit out of order, or is their behaviour perfectly understandable and normal...?

OP posts:
pictish · 02/11/2011 20:56

I mean...I'd love a weekend just me and dh, but not centerparcs!!

Witchofthenorth · 02/11/2011 20:58

trust me MrsBloomingTroll, my MIL speaks her mind, almost to the point of blows between she and I. If she was unhappy about having the kids, she would let me know!

Xmasbaby11 · 02/11/2011 20:59

I have to admit I would find such behaviour strange, and a bit sad that they are both working and therefore can't see the baby much during the week, but then they frequently need a weekend away from him. If that were me, weekends as a family would be precious and I would not want to spend that time away from my baby at that age.

I don't know, though, if it's bad for the baby as such, if the family are genuinely happy to look after him.

Witchofthenorth · 02/11/2011 20:59

i did wonder also pictish...pub, hotel, cinema, dirty weekend away in a chalet...centreparecs wouldnt be my choice :)

Arachnophobic · 02/11/2011 20:59

OP you are getting a real hard time on here, unnecessarily in my view.

Saying mind your own business is too simplistic an argument. While it may not be your business this is your DN and you have every right to be concerned.

While the lad may not know at his young age if this continues he sure will.

I find this situation very sad and if I were you I would judge, in many respects this is only human.

YANBU

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 21:00

"i find it interesting that if this is the OP's sister then she and her sister, presumably raised pretty much the same by the same parents, have very different parenting styles and opinions."

because siblings are incapable of independent thought? Confused

pictish · 02/11/2011 21:00

God I think a weekend away once a month after you've had kids is fucking amazing....I'd love that and would jump at the chance! It would be so good for your (my) marriage!!

featherbag · 02/11/2011 21:00

What exactly has it got to do with you?! YABU!

DownbytheRiverside · 02/11/2011 21:02

Grin My siblings and I all parent in very different styles, and cover all bases from neurotic helicopter to free-range and feral. Yet we have the same parents who are still in a loving relationship and parented us differently again.
Odd, that.

WoTmania · 02/11/2011 21:03

I can see your point OP - and if they struggle to relax with their baby around now what if they have more, and what will they do when he gets older.
I don't think there's much you can (or shoudl) do about it other than maybe checking (subtley) that your mum is okay with it.

Piccalilli2 · 02/11/2011 21:03

Haven't read the whole thread but actually Centerparcs isn't that very small child friendly. There's only so many hours in the day you can swim with a baby and there's not a lot else if it rains. Then again I wouldn't go there for a me and dh weekend either.
Anyway, I think YABU. I wouldn't have done it myself and in fact me and dh came back from our first weekend away early when dd1 was 5 months old because we missed her but if the grandparents are a big part of the baby's life I personally would doubt whether anyone's being harmed.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 21:04

can we get a bit of perspective here. this isn't every weekend!! there are 4 weekends (sometimes 5) in a month where they are doing family things, spending time together. this is less than 1 weekend a month (10 days out of 182) that they have chosen to spend time on themselves as a couple. this is not all their free time. not by a long shot.

skybluepearl · 02/11/2011 21:06

i wouldn't do it but each to their own

Meita · 02/11/2011 21:12

It does sound odd to me that a couple who works long hours (so, presumably, they both have over 40 baby-free hours per week) would be needing or wanting a 'break from the baby'.
Needing/wanting a break, yes. For me, that would mean a break from work, from missing my baby, i.e. family time would BE my break.
Needing/wanting a break from relentless stress, yes. I would be trying to find an arrangement where I could be with my baby but have someone around to help with the drudgery of it. (As in someone's suggestion to take GPs along)
Needing/wanting to catch up on some sleep, yes. Admit I'm a bit jealous of people who have someone who will take on the night shifts for them. Again, I'd try to find a solution that allows me to sleep while still seeing baby during day time.
Needing/wanting some couple time, yes. That could work out that we went away without baby for weekend, just not for the same reason. I would similarly aim to have some family time (both parents and baby around) regularly as well.

But needing/wanting a break from the baby when actually, I only see baby awake for what, 10 hours per 5 weekdays? 10h of their own baby per week is too much for some people, meaning they regularly need/want a break from their baby? I struggle to understand that.
I assume OPs relatives need/want a break full stop, due to working long hours and probably many broken nights. Nothing wrong with that. But if they'd imply that they need/want a break 'from the baby' after hardly ever seeing baby at all, I would privately wonder why they decided to have a baby in the first place. I'd withhold judging though.

Arachnophobic · 02/11/2011 21:12

Like all the negative posters on here wouldn't secretly judge their own family in similar circumstances Hmm

Fickle lot on here OP.

Northernlurker · 02/11/2011 21:13

Oh well lets pat them on the back for not spending ALL their free time pleasing themselves WITHOUT their child. Hmm

I don't think they're harming him atm but if they keep up this pace they aren't going to do their family dynamic any good long term. I think what they're harming is THEIR relationship with their child. They are setting up a long term scenario in which they go away from their kid to have 'fun'. That's fucked up. They had a baby 6 months ago. Yes actually tehir life should be about his care and needs entertwined with theirs. Not to say they can't have a break. 5 WEEKENDS AWAY is not a break. It's a habit.

runningwilde · 02/11/2011 21:13

Op yanbu at all in my opinion.

Sometimes I wonder why some people have kids I honesty do. Six times they have left their baby? Why did they bother having a baby! They need a break?! Gimme a break. They are bloody selfish in my opinion. Yes, up to them what they do but I don't have any respect for them leavin their six month old six times for a break Hmm

Balsam · 02/11/2011 21:20

Incidentally, isn't a Centreparcs break Fri to Mon? So that's three nights away, not one?

PootlePosyPumpkin · 02/11/2011 21:20

My siblings and I all parent in very different styles, and cover all bases from neurotic helicopter to free-range and feral.

I cover all those bases on my own - no siblings required Grin.

FWIW, I would probably feel the same way you do OP - but would never post it on AIBU. I've no idea where everybody finds these grandparents who "are loving having their grandchild for x amount of weekends". Both my parents & DH's were always of the "I love babysitting for a day/night but I've had my children & couldn't cope with them for any longer in one go" school of thought Confused.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 21:22

"I only see baby awake for what, 10 hours per 5 weekdays? 10h of their own baby per week is too much for some people" do weekend hours not count?

nope, wouldn't judge my own family. dont think i'll have to as my sister has declared 'no children' since seeing how hard it is for me.

NL who has said pat them on the back? did anyone say that? did OP ask 'aibu to pat my Dsis on teh back for this?'

i agree, it's a habit. i dont agree that it's a bad one.

running 5 times they have had a break. not 6.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 21:24

pootle i would also like to know where these grandparents live and if they would be willing to foster my children for 1 weekend a month Grin

Janiston · 02/11/2011 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlurker · 02/11/2011 21:26

The pat on the back was a somewhat sarcastic response to your post of 21:04 Heresthething.

WishIwereAtTheWiesnProst · 02/11/2011 21:27

People can do what they want with their children- but one day their children get to decide how much they want to put in to their relationship with their parents. Funny that farming them out to people all the time and making their kids feel like brrdens who ruin their fun might stop the children from wanting to spend time with their parents.

531800000008 · 02/11/2011 21:31

I just LOVE how being cared for by loving close family members is being farmed out

[sarcastic face]