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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister and BIL going away without baby (again) - AIBU or not...?

291 replies

ariadnethethird · 02/11/2011 19:25

I can't work out if I am being a bit silly or not so am biting the bullet and asking the MN jury...

My sister and her boyfriend have a lovely 6 month old son and are off this weekend to Centreparcs, but leaving the baby with his grandmother. This is, that I know of, the fifth time they have left him with someone for the weekend, which considering he is 6 months old, seems a lot to me. When I heard they were off to Centreparcs, which is very child friendly (although I do realise the baby is too young for most of it), I actually felt quite sorry for him. My sister said they 'need a break' as they have both been working long hours (and the baby has been farmed out to various grandparents) and taking the baby wouldn't be very relaxing.
So, is it me being unreasonable to think they are being a bit out of order, or is their behaviour perfectly understandable and normal...?

OP posts:
Hardgoing · 02/11/2011 20:29

I find it a bit odd, especially as if they work a lot, their weekends would be very precious. I have always worked fulltime which is why I love the weekends, I do go away occasionally, but 5 times is quite a lot with a six month old. I would imagine they would be having fun as a family the majority of the time off. I guess it's because it is over-night and frequent (and perhaps astonished a 6 month old is that flexible they can go to any grandparent out of the six without disturbed sleep).

There are pluses and minuses to lots of grandparent care, mine are cared for a lot by theirs, but if it starts to take over normal parenting and the parents aren't around much, it can feel rejecting for the child, especially if they work long hours. My husband was brought up mainly by his grandmother whilst his parents went on holiday for weeks on end, out to parties/cinema/art galleries/the opera. This was normal in their culture, but it hasn't made him close to them and he did think they preferred to spend time without him (which actually appears true!) There's a balance, surely, between life away from the children (lovely) and sending them the message that it's easier and nicer if they are not there (not so lovely).

Northernlurker · 02/11/2011 20:30

They're not going away for the benefit of the baby are they? They're going away for their benefit.

naturalbaby · 02/11/2011 20:30

i would judge and i would take my baby to Centreparcs (especially Centreparcs, I took my 12week old) but that's because it's not what I would want for my child. I am surprised people pass their kids round family to be looked after so much because it's not what i'm used to and i don't know anyone who does so but obviously there are plenty of parents with happy babies that do.

i know my baby wouldn't be left for longer than a few hours at that age, he's not that much older and is not remotely happy to be away from me for long but that's because he's not used to it. if your sister's baby is used to it and is happy then that's the main thing.

Having read various articles and studies and Oliver James based ramblings, at least the baby is being left with the same relatives most of the time - one of the key recomendations was that a baby forms a secure attachment with a regular caregiver.

maybe they just aren't baby people and will make up for it when their child is older?

Balsam · 02/11/2011 20:31

I agree with northernlurker.

The OP also says the parents are working long hours. So they work full-time and then go away five times in six months without baby? Why they'd bother having him, sounds like he's cramping their style.

Babies need their mothers, any psychologist will tell you that. Why is it a concept offensive to so many people? Because it's inconvenient?

mollycuddles · 02/11/2011 20:34

I'm with northernlurker

And not because I'm jealous at all. I think it smacks of selfishness and entitlement and the baby will soon grow up and realise he's not important to them as having a break is. It's sad.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 20:35

again NL, how do you know that? and even if they are commiting that awful crime of doing something for themselves, they aren't harming the baby or putting him at risk are they, and he most likely is benefitting from teh bonds he builds with his grandparents. just face it. you are a big ol' misery guts who cant bear to see anyone having a good time. those selfish nasty people, how dare they enjoy some baby free time. dont they know they are parents now and cease to exist outside of nappies and winding?

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 20:38

10 days out of 182? hardly implies the baby is less important than a holiday.

Balsam · 02/11/2011 20:38

Booeyhoo, I believe they are harming the baby by not being with him.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 20:39

so are you saying working parents are harming their babies? Shock

Nevertooearlyforcake · 02/11/2011 20:41

When my kids were that age I wasn't with them for 40 hours a week. They don't seem too traumatised.

MrsBloomingTroll · 02/11/2011 20:41

The grandparents I know who are regular caters for their GCs are not better bonded with them. They are knackered and resentful.

MrsBloomingTroll · 02/11/2011 20:41

Carers, not caters.

(Another one for the iPad thread)

eaglewings · 02/11/2011 20:42

It seems to be a sliding scale from those who think they have a right to child free time regularly and for long periods to those who never want to spend a minute away from their child and dislike grandparents even holding their child

We are all on the scale somewhere, although some want to be in a different place from where they end up, eg mums who have to work hating the child free time to those with no available help longing for a child free night.

If you are at one end of the scale it's hard to understand parents at the other

I personally did not want to spend more than 3 hours away from my son when he was under one, and find it hard to understand why parents would go away as much as the ops relatives do, but they may think I was mad too

Witchofthenorth · 02/11/2011 20:42

I can't remember the exact wording but it's something about it taking a village to raise a child?

As long as baby is happy, GP are happy and NOT feeling pressured to babysit then I still do not see the issue.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 20:42

those grandparents need to learn to say no then bloomingtroll

DownbytheRiverside · 02/11/2011 20:44

Do babies need their grumpy, resentful, exhausted and tearful mothers or fathers as much as they'd enjoy being with a happy couple who have a strong and loving relationship with each other and a calm and loving one with their child.
I'm just wondering theoretically here, we never had a babysitter for the first 6 years of parenting, and only ever a grandparent after that.
I'd never been away without one of my children being with me until last year.
So was I really a fantastic, amazing and nurturing parent all that time? Because of the sacrifices? Always putting my children first?

Witchofthenorth · 02/11/2011 20:46

MrsBloomingTroll, my MIL is not resentful at being a carer to my children. In fact she is resentful at the fact that I don't work full time anymore and she doesn't see the kids nearly as much as she would like.

My DM is resentful however, resentful at living 200miles away and the "other granny" having more of a bond!

Balsam · 02/11/2011 20:48

Sliding scale. A three month old left in alternative care ten hours a day, five days a week is, to me, damaging. A twelve month old, three times a week not so much.

I emphasise that this is what I personally believe based on what I've seen and read. Doesn't mean I'm right.

MrsBloomingTroll · 02/11/2011 20:52

The grandparents I know who feel like that also make a point of telling their DCs how much they've loved having the GCs.

The OP mentioned her Mum had been exhausted by a previous time looking after this baby, which is why I made the comment.

Thefoxsbrush · 02/11/2011 20:53

My children (aged 10 month, 2.5 yrs and 5 yrs) stay overnight on a sat night at their grandparents about once a month. The children absolutely love this time- being spoilt and being indulged doing lots of things that are nice to do with grandparent. Our grandparents love it and they thoroughly enjoy these weekends and it really allows them to bond. Me&my husband love it as we get to dress up and go out to dinner for 'date night' and sometimes we'll treat ourselves to an overnight stay in a hotel. I REALLY do not see what is wrong with this? I used to sleep at my grandparents once every couple of weeks and used to really enjoy it. It never did me any harm, in fact i think it was good for me!

MayDayChild · 02/11/2011 20:54

Another in agreement with Northernlurker.
Wholeheartedly.
Why did they have a baby?
And op I have similar issues with my sister. She doesn't seem to enjoy the company of her children either!
I long for weekends when our nuclear family can be together. Doesn't matter what we do.

I guess it's sad really for op's SIL as perhaps the relationship is not a strong one. I have a good relationship so our wanting to be with our children comes first over wanting to get drunk go out on holiday or have sex. (it's ok, we do do the latter!) but our kids come first. Every time.

naturalbaby · 02/11/2011 20:54

i'm sure any child of any age would rather be with a grumpy, exhausted parent than away from them. obviously a well rested and happy parent would be better but does that mean we should all hand our kids over to the nearest villager when we're a bit sleep deprived and hormonal?

i find it interesting that if this is the OP's sister then she and her sister, presumably raised pretty much the same by the same parents, have very different parenting styles and opinions.

orienteerer · 02/11/2011 20:55

Congrats to them, they have achieved something I dreamed of but never managedGrin.

pictish · 02/11/2011 20:56

I think it's fine myself...totally up to them.

Has no-one else Confused at a couple going on a weekend break without kids to centerparcs!

THAT is odd.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 20:56

again mrstroll. those grandparents need to learn to say no and stop pretending tehy are happy to do it if in fact they aren't. you can't blame a parent who is being told that the grandparents are happy to care for the children. there is responsibility with the grandparents to be honest about how the feel.

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