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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister and BIL going away without baby (again) - AIBU or not...?

291 replies

ariadnethethird · 02/11/2011 19:25

I can't work out if I am being a bit silly or not so am biting the bullet and asking the MN jury...

My sister and her boyfriend have a lovely 6 month old son and are off this weekend to Centreparcs, but leaving the baby with his grandmother. This is, that I know of, the fifth time they have left him with someone for the weekend, which considering he is 6 months old, seems a lot to me. When I heard they were off to Centreparcs, which is very child friendly (although I do realise the baby is too young for most of it), I actually felt quite sorry for him. My sister said they 'need a break' as they have both been working long hours (and the baby has been farmed out to various grandparents) and taking the baby wouldn't be very relaxing.
So, is it me being unreasonable to think they are being a bit out of order, or is their behaviour perfectly understandable and normal...?

OP posts:
HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 19:56

and even if they aren't on the verge of a breakdown, what is wrong with them having a regular break to recharge? surely that is better than tehm waiting until they aren't coping before asking for a break? there is no need for them to be martyrs about the whole thing. if they can afford it, baby is happy and grandparents are happy then they should do it.

Lookattheears · 02/11/2011 19:57

It really is up to them.
I'm assuming she isn't breastfeeding from the fact they leave baby regularly in which case there isn't any job another competent adult can do for baby that she does.

Nevertooearlyforcake · 02/11/2011 19:57

My gut reaction is that they ABVVU but that is entirely because I am jealous and wish we had GPs close enough to do that for us. For the weekend and looked after by GPs, that's fine. Is it really hugely different than working full time with your kids in childcare (as mine were for around that age).

EverybodysScaryEyed · 02/11/2011 19:57

I can see what you mean. I couldn't have done it and I don't think i would be a better parent if i stayed away once a month. But that's me

i have a friend who does this and what i object to is that she expects the gps to help. they don't want to say no as of course they love the babies but she takes it too far.

She was telling me about a time she turned up at her mums to leave the kids - her mum said she wasn't well and she should have phoned to ask first. friend left them anyway as she had a very important haircut. She thought it was hilarious.

Actually, why are we still friends?

HappyMummyOfOne · 02/11/2011 19:58

Up to them, personally I think its selfish. Not just on the child but on those expected to care for a small child that they didnt chose to have as the parents feel it impacts on their social life and days off from work.

Northernlurker · 02/11/2011 19:59

The op has laid out the support the parents are getting. If a pool slide is standing between anybody and retaining their sanity I would be astonished. The couple described remind me of a colleague's sil. They go on holiday at the drop of a hat. Booking the holiday BEFORE asking grandparents - in fact they don't ask at all, they instruct. They have at least two holidays a year without the dc - including Disneyworld (Hmm). Last year when they were away the dc missed a swimming lesson because the granparents had a commitment with another grandchild and the mother was on the phone freaking out from Las Vegas because the swimming lesson was missed and then on her return fell out with both her sils because they hadn't dropped everything and stepped in Hmm Some people are just not very good at being parents. In the mood I'm in tonight I'm happier than usual to say that.

MrsBloomingTroll · 02/11/2011 20:00

I also get where you're coming from, OP. It does rather beg the question of why bother to have a baby in the first place. Although I do also see the need for the (occasional!) night off. There could be other things going on in their marriage or factors like PND that aren't apparent, maybe?

A better deal, for the baby and the grandparents, would have been to book a larger villa at CP, bring the baby and one set of grandparents, and take it in turns to have the baby. They get to be with their baby (who they presumably never see due to long working hours), grandparents get to see the baby, they get a night or two off/babysitting. Grandparents get to enjoy the baby, rather than being dumped on (again).

FWIW, DH and I went away for a few nights for the first time without DC1 when she was 18 months. I missed her so much, I cried buckets.

In any case, CP is an odd choice if you want to have a break from your DC. As they will be surrounded by others with young DCs!

stressheaderic · 02/11/2011 20:01

DP and I buggered off on a spa break for 2 nights when DD was 10 weeks old as it was my 30th - it was bloody brilliant and we chilled out, reconnected with each other and just talked (and not just about the baby!).

The month after I went on a hen do overnight too. So I'm of the opinion that me-time is needed and if offered, take it, but don't take the piss.

But tbh, Centerparcs is a family place and the whole time, I'd be thinking 'ah, DD would love this, that etc'. I do think 5 time in 6 times is excessive and I'd secretly judge that.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 20:01

when i was a child my parents went for meals out in lovely restaurants without me. they went to the cinema. they went to friend's houses. they went to parties and bars. i was well aware that these were enjoyable past-times and that my parents would be having fun, i even used to ask them in teh morning if they'd had a good time. it does children absoloutely no harm whatsoever to learn that their parents are people with personalities beyond that of mum and dad. to know that their parent's love each othet and enjoy spending time alone together, to know that they have friends and social lives outside of the home. it is healthy for children to be aware of these things.

Northernlurker · 02/11/2011 20:06

And how aware of those things is a 6 month old baby?

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 20:07

"If a pool slide is standing between anybody and retaining their sanity I would be astonished."

like i said before, why do they need to be struggling before having a break? surely it is far better that they have regular small breaks than waiting til they can't cope and becoming very stressed?

we have study breaks when we are doing exams, food breaks trhoughout the day, breaks from work when we take annual leave. you make yourself ill if you dont take regular breaks no matter what it is you are doing. this is no different. some people just really begrudge others having a bit of fun. i'd hate to be such a misery guts. must be very draining, now if anyone should take a break...

Witchofthenorth · 02/11/2011 20:08

I think I may hide this thread now...

Obviously I am one of the many women in this country who is completely selfish and should not have had the audacity to have children if I am not prepared to spend every single nano second of my time with them! (feeling atouch dramatic this evening :))

I also am not sure how we jumped from the SlL going on a weekend break to being entitled an expecting GPs to jump when she clicks her fingers. (I shall retract that if it turns she does!)

FWIW I am "dumping" my kids on GPs this weekend from Friday to Sunday. I am working for a few hours on Saturday but will laze about on Sunday and generally not do much. I am not stressed or depressed and will look forward to the shagging rest me and DH will enjoy Wink.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 20:08

6 month old baby doesn't need to be aware. unless everything we do in life has to be a lesson for our children? seriously WTF is wrong with doing something nice for you and your partner?

NinkyNonker · 02/11/2011 20:09

A very good friend of mine works abroad, he sees his 11month old son a couple of days a month. And yet when he comes home he and his wife often then drop son at GPs while they go away. And before anyone asks, she sees him more regularly as she will leave son with GPs for a week or so and go on holiday to see him at least once a month. A mutual friend asked us all to go on a family hol to a rented cottage, friend automatically agreed, saying that they would drop son at GPs en route. Despite protestations that it was a family holiday, there would be other babies etc they insisted it wouldn't be a holiday with him there.

So on ave each month this friend sees his son for a few hours as he sleeps in the back of the car to whoever is taking him while they are away. Yes, I'm afraid I did (silently) judge.

Original poster
ariadnethethird · 02/11/2011 20:13

NinkyNonker I'm shocked! That does make my sister and BIL look rather tame!

OP posts:
Nevertooearlyforcake · 02/11/2011 20:14

Why so many assumptions that these are poor put upon GPs who have had the kid dumped on them? How many threads are on here about PILs trying to wrestle babies off the parents? Ok, if the OPs mum was expected to look after the baby at a time when it was inconvenient for her and felt unable to say no then that needs addressed but if it's a case if each of the 6 GPs having the baby for a couple of weekends each then they may well be delighted. It could be that one set looked after the baby for one weekend and then the other two have demanded parity!

Northernlurker · 02/11/2011 20:14

Doing 'Something nice' does not require absence on 5 occasions in the first six months of life. If you think it does the you have seriously warped priorities.

Lulaloo · 02/11/2011 20:15

5 weekends away in 6 months Im just jealous that I couldn't afford to when I had 1.(deffo not now we have 3)!
Does beg the question in what way are they struggling to need so many breaks? Relationship?

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 20:20

NL are you an authority on what constitutes as nice entertainmnet for new parents?

would you have a problem with this couple going for dinner twice, going to the cinema once, having drinks with a friend once and having a night in by themselves once in the first 6 months?

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 20:21

lula, OP hasn't said they are struggling.

DownbytheRiverside · 02/11/2011 20:21

Have you got children and a partner OP?
Perhaps your sister and her partner have seen countless other relationships falter when a baby arrives, god knows there are enough threads on MN around the topic. Perhaps they are determined that a strong relationship between them will be a huge benefit to the child as well. So they have a break together to remind themselves that they love and value each other on a regular basis.
Is either of them being a SAHP, or will the baby go to nursery? The holidays might be a factor in helping him cope with being parted from his parents.

NinkyNonker · 02/11/2011 20:21

I know. They love their Ds very much, they just don't really see him as part of their life, at least not part of the enjoyable parts of their life. Which I find sad.

Northernlurker · 02/11/2011 20:23

Yes I am an authority Grin (and stroppy). They havn't gone out for a drink though have they? The op says they've left him for a weekend for the 5th time. That's jolly close to about 20% of the weekends since he was born. It's Not Good. I am very comfortable saying that. You're obviously comfortable labelling me misery guts accordingly. I can live with that.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 20:27

i dont see how it is bad. the baby is being well cared for by grandparents who want to see him, he is building relationships with the adults who will be a part of his life, his parents are getting a lie in to recharge their batteries. i only wish i had gotten to spend as much time with my grandparents as a child.

violetwellies · 02/11/2011 20:29

I'm uncomfortable with it, a break from a new baby for a whole weekend every month feels like they don't really want him. Maybe he's better of with the gp's who presumably do. Am now going to hide thread.

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