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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister and BIL going away without baby (again) - AIBU or not...?

291 replies

ariadnethethird · 02/11/2011 19:25

I can't work out if I am being a bit silly or not so am biting the bullet and asking the MN jury...

My sister and her boyfriend have a lovely 6 month old son and are off this weekend to Centreparcs, but leaving the baby with his grandmother. This is, that I know of, the fifth time they have left him with someone for the weekend, which considering he is 6 months old, seems a lot to me. When I heard they were off to Centreparcs, which is very child friendly (although I do realise the baby is too young for most of it), I actually felt quite sorry for him. My sister said they 'need a break' as they have both been working long hours (and the baby has been farmed out to various grandparents) and taking the baby wouldn't be very relaxing.
So, is it me being unreasonable to think they are being a bit out of order, or is their behaviour perfectly understandable and normal...?

OP posts:
MrsBloomingTroll · 02/11/2011 21:31

Janiston there is clearly a healthy middle ground to be found.

TheFidgetySheep · 02/11/2011 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOldestCat · 02/11/2011 21:43

Wow, I would love a weekend away with DH sans the children. We just don't get the support for that and the one time we did, DD was hospitalised with croup. Served me right. She was 2 and all.

Still, I am an evil woking mother who farms out her children, so what do you expect?

TheOldestCat · 02/11/2011 21:44

Woking = working.

Apologies to the good mothers of Woking for any aspersions unintentionally cast.

Janiston · 02/11/2011 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunnydelight · 02/11/2011 21:49

YABU and it is none of your business.

DS1s godmother used to have him overnight once a month from about three months. Once a year she would have him for the whole weekend so we could go away properly. They adored each other, had loads of fun and with no family nearby she saved my sanity. I think you are probably jealous of their free time.

MrsBloomingTroll · 02/11/2011 21:49

You are forgiven...this time.

runningwilde · 02/11/2011 23:04

Why does it mean she is jealous sunny? that's a bit of a silly thing to say.

What they are doing and what you did sounds quite different by the way, how old was your ds when you let him stat with his gm? Your set up doesn't sound unreasonable
The op's sister's set up of all these breaks does to me

And no, not jealous at all, it's not something I would do

squiby2004 · 02/11/2011 23:14

YABU H and I left our DD at 17 weeks for a weeks holiday to Barbados, we had much needed couple time and she had a blast being spoilt rotten by my mum and H's parents. It was such a success we have had a holiday every year on our own. DD is now 7 and shows no ill signs for any of it. I think she has had a fantastic opportunity to build very close and loving relationships with all her GParents and they adore her.

Laquitar · 02/11/2011 23:55

Childless weekend away at Centreparks?? Shock

sunnydelight · 03/11/2011 05:19

"a bit of a silly thing to say" running I think maybe you've been hanging out with toddlers for too long Grin

runningwilde · 03/11/2011 07:05

Probably have sunnydelight

But at least I don't drink that sunnydelight stuff! Grin

Ah but they banned that luminous liquid didn't they!

runningwilde · 03/11/2011 07:13

Sadly I'm not surprised at how many people leave their very young babies and swan off on holiday for 'much needed couple time' - why have a baby in the first place if there is no recognition that the best place for small babies is with their patents?!

This selfish attitude is horrible in my eyes. For me, the first few months of my babies' lives were about being there for them and establishing my milk supply so they could have all the benefits of my milk, not swabbing off on holiday to think about me.

I know a few people lately who did this when their babies were very young and I definitely see babies who are not as happy.

Extremely selfish behaviour to leave a few months old baby for 'me' time. I actually feel sorry for those babies.

runningwilde · 03/11/2011 07:14

Swanning - obviously, not swabbing...

PicaK · 03/11/2011 07:44

Idly wondering if they are going to the new spa hotel at CP where you can stay for just 1 night in luxury. Sounds wonderful. Looks wonderful too.

Well, I did the whole never-leaving-my-kid thing. BF on demand, co-slept, the lot. Think I would have been MUCH better off if I had had a break.

You have no idea if they are wearing themselves out comforting baby at night.

SquelchyBodyParts · 03/11/2011 08:15

It's not anything I would want to do personally, but I think if the baby is being cared for by GP's and is happy then I can't see it doing any harm while baby is unaware his parents keep going away.

However, if they do it when he's old enough to understand he's being left while they go away for time alone without him, then he could resent them in later life. I'm not talking the odd weekend here and there and the odd night out, everybody needs those, but leaving him for whole weekends on a regular basis, especially if they both work full time, could understandably cause him to feel rejected by his own parents no matter how much love and care is shown to him by his grandparents!

My parents went out and even had the odd holiday without us, but the nights out were mostly when I was asleep in bed with a sitter, (older sibling normally) and the holidays were less than one a year, and as my mum was mainly a SAHP who later worked part time when we were all at school, I never felt my parents resented us, and we went on many family holidays, (caravan in Wales). I have a great relationship with my parents and respect them enormously.

It's definitely about balance with regards to having me time, I definitely think that a parent needs to remember they are still a person who has their own needs and wants, but I do wonder at any parents who feel the need to get away from their children on a regular basis (working aside), as to why they bothered to have them in the first place! But that's just my opinion, and one I keep to myself in RL!

Northernlurker · 03/11/2011 08:16

If baby is unsettled at night then they jolly well shouldn't be leaving him with relatives - however doting. I think if you KNOW a child will have a bad night then you as the PARENT should frankly suck that up and deal with it. Why should grandparents have to feel like death warmed up? They've done their parenting.

SquelchyBodyParts · 03/11/2011 08:30

I agree with that Northernlurker. My parents have 16 grandchildren and 4 great grand children and have been grandparents for 35 years. They had my sisters' kids on a very regular basis over the years ( some of my nieces are only couple years younger than me so at one stage it was like my mum had my nieces round as company for us and took them on holiday with us a lot, even to DisneyWorld twice), but now as they're 71 and 81, I feel with my ds they've done their time with kids, and even though they do have him for me, it's when he's tucked up in bed and it's just for the evening. I even make sure I'm home early because even though they'd never complain if we were late I respect that they need their rest these days!
I actually find I don't like to leave my ds overnight tbh, I have done with my PILS (their first DGS and very excited, and they ask all the time when can they have him again) but I missed him terribly, me and dh both do, but I also think it's because we've had him very late on in our relationship, been together 16 years and married 9, and ds is only 19 months! DH and I lived a very exciting/crazy life before we had him and I feel like we had our time together and feel strongly bonded, and we're now ready for this new chapter and spending time with ds is the most important thing to us both!

izzybiz · 03/11/2011 08:32

My Ds1 used to stay with his GPs every weekend so I could go out with my friends.
I have no problems leaving my Dc every so often to go away or out, but personally I am at home with them all week and wouldn't like to leave them in a nursery all day every day.

Each to their own I say.

WibblyBibble · 03/11/2011 09:07

YANBU, that's definitely not normal and I'd be worried about the baby. I don't get why people would even have a baby if they just want to palm it off on people all the time, but the attitude on here is that if you're rich then however crap you are as a parent, that's just fine as long as you aren't using the precious 'taxpayers money'. Which I guess they're not if they're swanning off on holiday so often. Still, I would think they were awful parents and shouldn't have had a baby at all if they're going to leave it so often when it's tiny.

paulapantsdown · 03/11/2011 09:20

So if they need a break once a month already - are they going to have a weekend away every month when the child is 4, 7, 10 years old? They need to get over themselves and wake up to the fact that its not just the 2 of them anymore.

CamperFan · 03/11/2011 09:20

northernlurker, surely it's up to the grandparents to decide that? My parents wouldn't do it and neither would I expect them to, but that's my family. All families are different.

usingapseudonym · 03/11/2011 09:21

I can't quite believe how many people here think this is ok/normal :(

4madboys · 03/11/2011 09:23

havent read the whole thread, but althought i wouldnt do this personally i dont see the problem, it sounds like your sister has a supportive family and the baby will grow up with great relationships with his 6 grandparents :)

CamperFan · 03/11/2011 09:25

Great for you squelchy, that you've had such a fantastic life pre kids. I feel lucky that way too. But some people have unplanned children when they are very very young, and frankly, probably really need a break. I think to wonder why people have kids if they want holidays away from them is an incredibly smug thing to say. But perhaps I'm just in a bad mood this morning (having been up since 5, and no, I haven't left my DC over night in 2 years - perhaps I should!).

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