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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister and BIL going away without baby (again) - AIBU or not...?

291 replies

ariadnethethird · 02/11/2011 19:25

I can't work out if I am being a bit silly or not so am biting the bullet and asking the MN jury...

My sister and her boyfriend have a lovely 6 month old son and are off this weekend to Centreparcs, but leaving the baby with his grandmother. This is, that I know of, the fifth time they have left him with someone for the weekend, which considering he is 6 months old, seems a lot to me. When I heard they were off to Centreparcs, which is very child friendly (although I do realise the baby is too young for most of it), I actually felt quite sorry for him. My sister said they 'need a break' as they have both been working long hours (and the baby has been farmed out to various grandparents) and taking the baby wouldn't be very relaxing.
So, is it me being unreasonable to think they are being a bit out of order, or is their behaviour perfectly understandable and normal...?

OP posts:
HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 19:37

and of course parents should be able to enjoy themselves without their children. tehy dont stop being people once tehy become parents. it isn't wrong to have fun with jsut your partner.

gamerwidow · 02/11/2011 19:37

It is a bit on the high side but it's still only once a month so hardly that excessive. Unless they're expecting you to look after the baby then I don't really see what the issue is.

Witchofthenorth · 02/11/2011 19:37

My children regularly go to grandparents for the weekend and have done since they have all been around the 4month mark. It allows them to develop a lovely bond with them. Granted most of the weekends I am stil at home should I be needed, howebver, me and DH have previously taken the opportunity to have a weekend to ourselves from time to time when they are at GP. It was slightly longer for my DD3 but only because i breast fed her. My other two were ff.

I don't get why when you have children you have to sacrifice every part of your life.

It's win win, GP and kids get to spend quality time together and mum and dad get to be husband and wife.

lifechanger · 02/11/2011 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrandedBear · 02/11/2011 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

benandhollyandgaston · 02/11/2011 19:40

Matter of interpretation whether or not your post is bitchy, I gues..

"My sister said they 'need a break' as they have both been working long hours (and the baby has been farmed out to various grandparents)"

To my ears, that's you bitching.

poppygolucky · 02/11/2011 19:40

I started a thread not so long ago about a friend leaving her 7 week old to go on a piss up holiday to Amsterdam for 5 days. General consensus was IWBU, and I can sort of see why now.

Probably to you, it is unreasonable, and YANBU to think it: you wouldn't be human if you didn't make mental judgements all the time. The problem is articulating it. Someone quite rightly said that parenting is hard enough without other parents criticising your choices. As long as their baby is cared for, that's what matters.

Witchofthenorth · 02/11/2011 19:40

Typing while legs and arms akimbo, whilst waiting for the veet to work is not as easy as you think! Apologies for the typos!

IneedAbetterNickname · 02/11/2011 19:40

My SIL thinks IAU for leaving DC with my Mum, maybe once a month for 24 hours at a time. But then she NEVER leaves her DC with anyone, including her DH. Neither of us is 'right' just different.

If everyone concerned in happy then I don't see the problem, although I didn't leave my children that regularly when they were babies.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 19:41

actually northern some parents do need a break. even if the baby is just 6 months old. or are you the sort of person that thinks people should be killing themselves trying to cope before daring to ask for help.

if 1 weekend a month keeps them fresh and sane enough to raise him well and all teh grandparents are happy to have him then i say go for it. why should people struggle? parenting shouldn't have to be hard unnecessarily, no reason to make it hard just because others dont have as much help as you.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 02/11/2011 19:41

x-posted, sorry.

I am sure that even though your Mum is knackered, she wouldn't change a thing Grin

So what seems to be bothering you is that you don't feel they are putting the baby first, that they are being a bit selfish, that perhaps they aren't as attached to the baby as you feel they should be, or that if it was you, you wouldn't want to be apart from the baby... all of those are valid concerns for you to have - but if you look at it objectively, the baby is happy, he doesn't know any different and he will form strong bonds with people who love him - other than his parents, this is important too.

So, really, I think you need to stop worrying about the wee boy unless there is something you haven't mentioned?

WipsGlitter · 02/11/2011 19:42

I think that some couples find it really hard to adjust to being a family and can't work out ways to relax but still involve the baby, so feel the only way they can relax is to go away without the baby. My SIL is like this and has been for many weekends away without her baby and really seems to struggle when looking after him. So, while I don't think it's any of your business (unless you're pissed off because your parents won't dp it for you) I think your sister needs to see that she's a family now and she has to work out new ways of relaxing that involve her baby.

What are they going to do at centreparcs that couldn't accommodate a baby being there?

CamperFan · 02/11/2011 19:42

YABU. Do you have kids yourself? I would not have left my DC that often, or even had the choice to, so I am a teeny bit jealous of them. I haven't had a weekend away for 2 years in December. I would love to have parents close by who were that willing to help out.

Original poster
ariadnethethird · 02/11/2011 19:43

lifechanger when did I say 'cruel and neglectful'....?

I too agree that you shouldn't sacrifice every part of your life when you have children, WitchoftheNorth, wholeheartedly so. I guess it suprised me that they have chosen to go to a child centred kind of place for a break but didn't want to take the, admittedly small, child.

And as for my mother being knackered after having him all day and so wouldn't the parents, I suppose I do have a bit of a bee in my bonnet re that one as the baby has been looked after by my mum several times after she has been up all night on a night shift, but that's another issue...

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 02/11/2011 19:44

Exactly what oranges said

and I hate terms like "fobbing off", "dumping", "foisting" and all the other pergorative terms that people use for children being looked after by others Angry

Deflatedballoonbelly · 02/11/2011 19:45

Actually OP I feel the same as you

But only because I am SUPER INSANELY JEALOUS!

CurrySpice · 02/11/2011 19:45

And just to add I'm off to CP with a load of girlfriends this weekend without the kids

welliesandpyjamas · 02/11/2011 19:47

I get what you mean, OP. I would never comment but I most certainly wouldn't approve. I know of a couple who go on regular holidays, leaving their precious much-wanted daughter with a nanny. I just don't get it. But that's just my opinion and approach to having children. Shrug. YANBU.

Northernlurker · 02/11/2011 19:48

Heresthething - the parents concerned are obviously getting a lot of family support with a very young baby. I really don't think swooshing down a pool slide at Centre Parcs is all that's standing between them and their sanity.

happygilmore · 02/11/2011 19:48

I think a 6 month old would be happier in familiar surroundings than at centre parcs, but that's not really the point. If they're all OK, it's not for you to judge.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 19:50

actually i know for a fact that i would be parenting far better if i knew i was getting even 1 night off every month. taking the baby to centreparcs wouldn't have been a break for them as they would still have been parenting and perhaps a break from parenting is why they have gone away? i know how lovely it is just to be able to get into the car without having to do up carseat straps.

AnonWasAWoman · 02/11/2011 19:52

This is how generations of babies were raised, btw - by the extended family as well as parents. Who knows - it could be our 'conventional' way of doing it, with two parents doing almost all the care of their baby alone, is actually less good for the baby?

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 02/11/2011 19:53

i'm not sure how you would know that northern, unless you have insight into this couple that you aren't telling us? like i said, i know i would be a far better parent if i knew that i was having 1 night away from my children a month. i know this. i know how welcome that break would be. may be the same for this couple.

TheSecondComing · 02/11/2011 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrBloomsNursery · 02/11/2011 19:55

I think it's selfish. So they think they can just up and leave just because they work long hours Hmm.

I can imagine them doing this when the child is older and can understand that his parents are off having fun without him. Poor thing.

My Aunt used to do this to her children, and they ended up resenting her for it. I don't see the point of having children if you're going to swan off and leave them with relatives when things get "too much"....