Sister and BIL going away without baby (again) - AIBU or not...?

[ariadnethethird]

I can't work out if I am being a bit silly or not so am biting the bullet and asking the MN jury...

My sister and her boyfriend have a lovely 6 month old son and are off this weekend to Centreparcs, but leaving the baby with his grandmother. This is, that I know of, the fifth time they have left him with someone for the weekend, which considering he is 6 months old, seems a lot to me. When I heard they were off to Centreparcs, which is very child friendly (although I do realise the baby is too young for most of it), I actually felt quite sorry for him. My sister said they 'need a break' as they have both been working long hours (and the baby has been farmed out to various grandparents) and taking the baby wouldn't be very relaxing.
So, is it me being unreasonable to think they are being a bit out of order, or is their behaviour perfectly understandable and normal...?

and can i just add that not all parents use nurseries. many use childminders and nannies or grandparents/family members. for a 3 month old baby being with a grandparent/nanny/childminder for 5 days a week is the same as being with the primary caregiver. the child is having 1:1 care by an adult they see daily, no different than mum or dad looking after them. there is nothing wrong with a child having more than 1 main carer.

I can't agree with you heresthething but I respect we have different opinions

But don't think I found being at home with a young baby a walk in the park- it was bloody hard but I did it and am a freelancer now (I am grateful I can do my work as a freelancer) because I believe that my babies are better off being with me.

Getorf - fwiw, my earlier comments were very much about women who put three month old babies into childcare when they can take maternity leave. But that is just my thoughts on it and I am not asking anyone to care or worry about how I think.

I personally wouldn't want to use a nursery, however that is based solely on personal anecdote, and on a nursery which I viewed 16 years ago which looked awful. However my SIL uses a nursery which all 3 of her children have loved (and with the same continutiy of staff over 10 years) so I think like everything there are some poor examples and some brilliant ones.

I liked the home from home aspect of a childminder, and the fact that the childminder would go about her day, say go to the bank and the supermarket, like a mother would. To me nurseries seem regimented, but I recognise that some mothers prefer this, as there is more constructed activity and a mix with more children etc. It does come down to what a mother thinks is best for her child.

runningwilde I was similar to geyorf but I had my first when you could take extended maternity leave. My daughter was born in 2004. However, I still did not have the luxury of "you can take 6 or 9 months so why not do it?" .

I had to return to work 6 weeks after she was born and I finished work on the Saturday and had her the following Thursday! This was purely financial and in no way martyrdom. For those six weeks I still got 90% pay, however as soon as that was finished my monthly salary would be dropping from £1800 a month to £490 statutory maternity pay. Some of us do not get company maternity pay and have no choice but to put our young babies into childcare. Although I had the added bonus of a loving nana and auntie who were willing to keep her for that time.

She is now a confident well adjusted 7 year old, who is doing well at school, and we regularly display our affection for each other. She knows she is loved, but she also has the most amazing relationship with her nana and her auntie, who have both brought different experiences into her life.

I am in a position now where I am due number 4 in 8 weeks and am finishing wok in 3. I will be taking 6months away from work after the is baby is born, but it is not always as easy as you think to just stay at home. And maternity pay has not changed that much since the, you get slightly more and for slightly longer but in most cases it in no way is a substitute for the wage you were previously taking home.

Oops that was meant to be getorf and when I had my second child, not my first. Obviously haven't had enough coffee.

Runningwilde, apologies I have just read your post where you stated that your views were directed towards those who could take maternity leave

Only on MN 10 days with grandparents = lifelong damage to child. And of course 6 month babies know who is caring for them, but guess what: the carer may be the father (funny how they are hardly mentioned in these threads), the mother, the GPs or the nanny. Is it so hard to believe that a child can be happy and well cared for by people other than the mother? I know there is a high percentage of perfect mothers on MN, but certainly I am not, and I consider input from others to be beneficial, because they are good at things I am not, and my DD learns from them different things which I do not know or think about.

So, OP, YABU.

Hear hear ^^

I absolutely agree with minervaitalica

I wonder if sometimes some mothers worry about putting babies with other carers is actually down to their own insecurities - they worry that the baby will actually be perfectly fine without them and that makes them feel a bit insecure and vulnerable

I lost count of the amount of times I've been asked if I'm jealous of the close, loving bond that my kids have with the nany who looked after them for 9 years. No! Of course I don't! Children are capable of loving more than one person (as we are capable of loving more than one child) and they certainly know who their mom is :o

Why would I be upset that my kids love the person who looks after them - that makes me happy, not jealous!

Just a thought on the original point of this thread - these parents are going to find parenthood VERY hard if they have 'needed' 5 mini breaks in 6 months - what sort of state are they going to be in by the time the kid is 12!!!???

Parenting is a marathon.

who says they have needed it paula?

paula what sort of state are they going to be in by the time the kid is 12!!!???

er, rather relaxed parents I'd have thought

YABU. And why do you use the term "farmed out"? No matter how many GPs the DC has they're still his family. This is what happens in India, where I'm from and GPs, aunts, uncles, the whole family look after the baby!

I agree totally with the last few posters re: extended family.

I wouldn't personally have left DS for multiple weekends over the first few months, but that is entirely personal preference. He did, however, have very occasional night stays with grandparents, probably from about 4/5 months. These were generally due to weddings etc - he was a very easy baby so we didn't need a break or anything like that - but we also felt it extremely important that he should have a close and relaxed relationship with vital people in his life. His GPs have always had extensive contact with him since he was born - we believe that it is hugely beneficial for him to have good, solid bonds with his extended family, not just with us as his parents. We are delighted with the relationship he now has with his grandparents and we are confident that we did the right thing.

We are very much of the "it takes a village" view. Perhaps some people might find this inconsistent with our general approach which is probably what some would call AP - always carried in a sling, always responded to at night etc - but my view is that that type of care can be given by the whole family, not just me as his mother. I also believe that good quality, responsive childcare, whether with a nursery or a childminder, is a potential benefit as well.

The way I see it, any time that he spent away from me as a baby was spent with people who enhance his life. I hope to take the same approach with this next baby, and that he will turn out as happy and sociable and attached to his family as his brother seems to be.

That is not to say that a child who is with his primary caregiver night and day won't form good relationships, or be sociable and well-adjusted - there is more than one way to get a good outcome for a child - but a lot of people don't seem able to accept this.

One final point - I do get irritated by the "why did they bother having a child" type comments. Presumably the answer is "because they wanted to spend 99% of their time with a child that they love". Spending time away from a child does not negate the entire relationship.

BsshBossh - I meant to say that I find the different cultural approaches interesting. No doubt other cultures find our nuclear family approach quite odd.

I work in a small, entirely female, multi-cultural office. No two of us are from the same ethnic/cultural background. We have Ghanian, Bangladeshi, Indian, Bulgarian and white British at the moment. We recently had Trinidadian and Sri Lankan as well. DS used to come into the office with me reasonably regularly when he was small and he loves all his "aunties" and happily mooches in and out of their rooms (generally trying to cadge snacks off my boss), probably because when he was a baby he got used to being carried in a shawl by our receptionist so I could deal with something urgent, or playing on the floor of our accountant's office. Everyone just brought their own natural, cultural way of doing things to the situation and it was great.

Paula. Most 12 year olds can feed themselves, entertain themselves, wash themselves and take themselves off to the toilet. And sleep all night. And be left in a room without harming themselves on the furniture. Etc, etc.

Looking after a baby is v different to looking after a 12 year old.

Kungfupanda - if it really was that 99% of the time was spent with the child then it would be good, but it's not. I stand by my 'why bother having a child' statement and you are more than welcome to be irritated by it.

You are right. 5 weekends out of 6 months is approximately 5% of the time.

That changes everything.

[runs off screaming 'why have a child?' with frivolous abandon]

I only had mine for the £4353536363737 pound of tax credit and benefit innit

My youngest is looked after for 30 hrs a week - the other 138 she is with me or her father - so hardly child abandonment

sad;y my eldest 2 are looked after 39 hrs poor things - because they are AT SCHOOL

blimey - unless you are planning to home educate at some point you will also fall into the 'leaving them with strangers' camp can we all come back and judge you then - please

gordy - you are so mercenary. I only had mine because of my mum's failed attempt at explaining the facts of life - "when the man puts his thingy in the lady's tummy then they make a baby".

I was left with a serious misconception about the purpose of a belly button and a complete lack of concern about any other entrance.

9 months later and along came DS.

I feel your pain Panda - I only got up the duff because a halfcrazy female writer for a well know Tory Rag - sorry Newspaper - snuck into my house with a turkey baster - three times!

running - maternity leave is paid at 90% of earnings for JUST 6 WEEKS. After that it is about £100 which I certainly can't live on. I do get enhanced mat pay from my job but not for a lot longer. I certainly can't live on £100 a week and aside from that I have a very high level, competitive job in a male dominated industry. I can't take more time off from a career perspecitve or a financial one.

And given there is no evidence whatsoever that nursery at 3 months is "damaging" and given I rather like my career and my income I really don't have an issue with my choice.

meh, YANBU
I would think exactly the same. why have kids if you palm them off all the time

You win, Gordy!

YANBU, it's odd that they'd want to go and leave the baby so often and it sounds a bit like they are taking the piss. Only saying like.