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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister and BIL going away without baby (again) - AIBU or not...?

291 replies

ariadnethethird · 02/11/2011 19:25

I can't work out if I am being a bit silly or not so am biting the bullet and asking the MN jury...

My sister and her boyfriend have a lovely 6 month old son and are off this weekend to Centreparcs, but leaving the baby with his grandmother. This is, that I know of, the fifth time they have left him with someone for the weekend, which considering he is 6 months old, seems a lot to me. When I heard they were off to Centreparcs, which is very child friendly (although I do realise the baby is too young for most of it), I actually felt quite sorry for him. My sister said they 'need a break' as they have both been working long hours (and the baby has been farmed out to various grandparents) and taking the baby wouldn't be very relaxing.
So, is it me being unreasonable to think they are being a bit out of order, or is their behaviour perfectly understandable and normal...?

OP posts:

4madboys · 03/11/2011 09:25

my parents and il's wouldnt do it, and i wouldnt ask/expect them to BUT now my elder ones are bigger they do go for the odd overnight stay, maybe twice a year? its nice for them, nice for the grandparents etc..

the set up the op is describing isnt that common now, but i am sure it used to be more common, esp when families were closer distance wise etc. as long as the baby is happy and settled there isnt a problem, he is being looked after by FAMILY.

oh and op your 'farmed out to various grandparents' comments is not nice btw.

Moominsarescary · 03/11/2011 09:25

I wouldn't do it but that's because I don't like to be apart from my 7 month old for long periods of time.

We did have it forced on us recently when I had a hospital stay for a week and dp stayed with me. I hated it but ds seemed happy enough with my mil, although he is a very easy going baby.

MollyTheMole · 03/11/2011 09:28

yabu

The baby isnt missing much at 6mo and is probably having a better time with the gps cooing and lavishing attention to it.

DS1 used to be farmed go to his GPs every over Saturday night.

I pine for those Saturdays again.....

MollyTheMole · 03/11/2011 09:31

every other Saturday even

sheeplikessleep · 03/11/2011 09:31

It's so cultural isn't it.
As a society, we are so insular and extended families play less and less of a role than other countries across the world.
I'm not sure that how we do it is any 'better' than cultures where grandparents and extended family play a much more involved role in kids upbringing to be honest.
I personally couldn't do it for the reasons of having a 'break' (although DS1 was looked after by his GPs at 12 weeks for a night, as he screamed every evening from 6pm - 12pm for 8 long weeks, every night and I was a wreck and at such a low point with stress. 1 night of 8 hours sleep, back at my mums at 5am to feed him and I was myself again. Different scenario I know).

minervaitalica · 03/11/2011 09:46

YABU - do not see the problem as long as the GPs are not pressurised into doing so.

I am still surprised that people still see the nuclear family as the only route to successful parenting. It's simply not the case - the nuclear family is just one system, and a very recent one at that.

I was raised in an extended family: since I was 3 months my parents were working funny hours including nights and I was looked after by both sets of GPs, aunties, uncles, great uncles, cousins, you name it. I never felt "left out" by my parents - because I knew there was always a really wide group of people I was close to and wanted to spend time with. My travel-loving aunt used to take me on some of her exotic holidays, which my parents could not have afforded. We used to go to the beach with my GPs in the summer, as again my parents could only afford a few days. We spent hours growing vegetables in my Great-aunt garden (we loved picking strawberries). And then we did things with mum and dad too! But I had lots more opportunities to do stuff than I would have had in a nuclear family.

Time spent with people other than your parents can be really enriching. It's different from being with my parents, but can be equally positive. It horrifies me that spending a weekend with GPs every month is seen as a problem.

GreyRosesAreMyFavourite · 03/11/2011 10:08

A bit of an aside but I recently realised the full extent of my DH's relationship with his grandparents. I knew he'd had his own bedroom there, but hadn't quite realised he ate lunch with them every single day in the week up to the age of 7, and at weekends after that and he stayed there two nights a week every single week from being a baby to leaving to go to University. I was really actually that it was that much and his parents got two nights every single week all to themselves (why??) especially as his father was never around much anyway as he was so busy working.

It's not something we would ever do ourselves not that anyone's offered and the odd night here or there would be welcome but we pay a fortune to babysitters instead.

We've never been away on holiday without the children. We occasionally go away for work without them.

I personally loathed Centreparcs and you'd not get me to go there again if you paid me. The only redeeming feature was it was for children and we could mess around in the swimming pool with them. I fail entirely to see the point of Centreparcs for adults only whent here are so many gorgeous holiday places available in the UK which are more luxurious for the same price.

catgirl1976 · 03/11/2011 10:29

YABU - They need time for each other as a couple. They are taking short breaks here and there and leaving the baby with it's GPs who probably love having it and spoiling it. It all sounds fine to me and tbh not really any of your beeswax, especially if everyone is happy

Mine will be in nursery ft from 12 weeks old so will be having a lot more time away from parents than you SILs child.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 03/11/2011 10:35

We don't have family who take the children at all on a regular basis, so it would be lovely to think they would to give DH time on our own.

I'm not sure if I'd have left them as young babies with other people, and was still breastfeeding at that stage so couldn't have done, but I'm very envious of people who have a network of people who actually want to take their weans, certainly as they get older.

minervaitalica · 03/11/2011 10:42

OK. I suppose they are a bit unreasonable for choosing centreparcs ...

catgirl1976 · 03/11/2011 10:49

I agree. The centreparcs thing is U. Everything else is fine :)

DunRovin · 03/11/2011 10:55

Goodness, a baby being left with loving grandparents who have a frequent and loving relationship with the child? The baby knows the and is used to being cared for by them?

Sounds ideal, to me.

And as for CenterParcs being 'child-friendly' with a baby - yes, one of you take it in turns not to do any activities so that you can mind the baby, take the baby out to eat on the evening so can't get tipsy, be woken on your weekend away at 5.30 a.m or even 7am....very child friendly, but not parent friendly.

You may not feel like leaving your baby (as I wouldn't have) but your reaction is either jealousy or some other judgmental need to criticise them.

WoTmania · 03/11/2011 10:57

'I am still surprised that people still see the nuclear family as the only route to successful parenting. It's simply not the case - the nuclear family is just one system, and a very recent one at that.'

True, but most people wouldn't have been able to go away so much, it would have been more a case of living in the same house/close to each other and having little breaks (i.e a couple of hours) here and there if they got breaks at all. (I suppose we did something similar. DS1 rarely slept, cried unless in contact with someone or nursing so we used to stay at my parents' at weekends and my mum would get up to him in the night and just bring him in to feed and take him off again, she also did this when I was ill.)
The reality is though that most women would take their babies to work or leave them with family (cross nursing happenned) and older siblings while both parents worked.
The main difference (IMO) is that women had company if they worked from home (cottage industries) which makes such a big difference to the sanity.

whathellcall · 03/11/2011 10:59

YANBU. I cannot understand why anyone would want to spend so much time away from their baby, but then I've only left my 11 month old for a few hours on a couple of occasions, and wasn't particularly happy even doing that! I suppose everyone is different, but I don't think you should be flamed for having an opinion on it.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 03/11/2011 10:59

I agree OP. It's all a bit strange. It's very sad when you hear of things like this.

I am also jealous though! I haven't had that much help in the 5 YEARS since becoming a mum! and I REALLY needed it, to the point of begging! "no fuck off" they said . . . . well not really, more of a "you must be joking, I am much too importnant and busy to help you desperate, struggling mentally ill (PND ect) person!"

rubyrubyruby · 03/11/2011 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 03/11/2011 11:01

DunRovin And as for CenterParcs being 'child-friendly' with a baby - yes, one of you take it in turns not to do any activities so that you can mind the baby, take the baby out to eat on the evening so can't get tipsy, be woken on your weekend away at 5.30 a.m or even 7am....very child friendly, but not parent friendly.

So why go there then?! When you don't even have a child with you? Fucking weird!

whathellcall · 03/11/2011 11:08

You stated that your sister works long hours, who minds the child when they're at work. Just curious about how much childcare the GPs do. I don't think there is anything wrong with GPs doing a bit of babysitting, but when other family members see more of a child than the parents I have to say my judgy pants would twitch.

chocolatejelly · 03/11/2011 11:09

I am just jealous.DD is 3 years and I would love for Grandparents to have her for a weekend.......or a night.......anything

whathellcall · 03/11/2011 11:10

Sorry just reread the OP, I see the child is with various different GPs during working hours.

DunRovin · 03/11/2011 13:29

I'd love to go to CenterParcs without the DC! And do the things I'd like to do.
true, I'd rather go somewhere other than CP - a lovely B&B or small hotel or cottage, but I can't think why the OP thinks a CP would be a relaxing break with a baby, which can't even enjoy the facilities!

DunRovin · 03/11/2011 13:32

Oh, and I wish that I had on occasion prioritised time with my DH while the DC were looked after by family. I think our marriage would be better than the functional child-rearing vehicle it currently is.

But we had neither the family nor the cash, so noo use moaning. But I would encourage other parents to take the advantages where they find them

GrownUpSparkler · 03/11/2011 13:47

DS was offski with my mum one night a week from about three weeks old, then from nine months old spent weekends with his dad, is it because they are going away on a holiday that you protest or simply the absence of the child from the main caregiver, because I can reassure you that DS is a very well adjusted child who has a big loving family whom he enjoys spending time with. We can have a week apart while he is away with his other family, and it doesn't bother either of us in the slightest.

Nevertooearlyforcake · 03/11/2011 13:50

Why is it sad to read the situation in th OP? I agree with whoever said the only thing U in the whole tale is Centerparcs. I wouldn't leave my DDs with my RM because she couldn't cope, my PILs, absolutely, like a shot.

WishIwereAtTheWiesnProst · 03/11/2011 15:47

I think it's depressing so many people feel a 6 month old has no idea who is looking after them. Mine definitely knew who her parents were and would have been devastated if we left her for days at a time.

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