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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister and BIL going away without baby (again) - AIBU or not...?

291 replies

ariadnethethird · 02/11/2011 19:25

I can't work out if I am being a bit silly or not so am biting the bullet and asking the MN jury...

My sister and her boyfriend have a lovely 6 month old son and are off this weekend to Centreparcs, but leaving the baby with his grandmother. This is, that I know of, the fifth time they have left him with someone for the weekend, which considering he is 6 months old, seems a lot to me. When I heard they were off to Centreparcs, which is very child friendly (although I do realise the baby is too young for most of it), I actually felt quite sorry for him. My sister said they 'need a break' as they have both been working long hours (and the baby has been farmed out to various grandparents) and taking the baby wouldn't be very relaxing.
So, is it me being unreasonable to think they are being a bit out of order, or is their behaviour perfectly understandable and normal...?

OP posts:

Witchofthenorth · 03/11/2011 21:22

Yvw shoitemam :o

VivienLeigh · 03/11/2011 21:26

Better?

ScaryFairy28 · 03/11/2011 21:30

It doesn't sound here like shes talking about the odd meal or shopping trip, working long hours and regular weekends away when is she seeing the baby. We're also talking about a young baby not a child.

runningwilde · 03/11/2011 21:39

Catgirl

Isn't that why there is paid maternity leave?
My personal opinion is that three months is too too young for a baby to be in nursery and yes I do think it is far better for a baby to be with mum at least for maternity leave. Being in nursery at such a young age is not good for babies.

I know people have to work, I work. I also waited until I could take some time for my babies when I had them.

Three months is too young to be in nursery - you are kidding yourself if you think this is good for baby.

ledkr · 03/11/2011 21:40

I have never felt bad about having time to myself.As long as i know the children are with people who will care for them i enjoy and relax.
I went to see neyo when dd2 was 3 weeks old,had a beer and a hobbly boogie (has a cs) I also took dd1 away to paris for a week when dd2 was 4 months,she had anice week with her Daddy.
Dh and i have about 3 weekends away a year to eat,sleep,shop,shag and get drunk
I am a better Mum for having some time to myself occasionally.

PumpkinBones · 03/11/2011 21:41

Some of this thread is really unintentionally hilarious, especially the amateur psychology from those who can "see" that a six month old baby is "less happy." People need to get some perspective. This is a loved and cared for baby being looked after by his family.

When I was little, my my mum was a young single mother. We lived with my grandparents for the first year, and they regularly had me when my mum was out, when we lived on our own they had me for at least a weekend a month, and for weeks at a time in the summer holidays, this was in the 80's and I knew quite a few people my age who spent the whole 6 weeks holidays at their GP's. I have a very close and loving relationship with my mum, who in turn is very supportive of me and always helps out with my DS's.

On a frivolous note, maybe the couple on the OP can only shag when their DS is not in the house?!

verlainechasedrimbauds · 03/11/2011 21:58

My DP spent all his summer holidays with his grandparents and remembers it very fondly.

GetOrfMo1Land · 03/11/2011 22:01

running when I had dd paid maternity leave was 18 weeks - and you had to by law take 6 weeks of that before the birth. So you had to go back to work after 3 months.

And also, even today when people can take longer maternity leave, statutory maternity pay is only around £100 a week, so many women have to go back earlier.

There is no scientific evidence that childcare at 3 months is damaging. Also, from a purely personal experience, it is very difficult to start placing a child in nursery at 9 months, as at that age seperation anxiety causes issues. This is not a problem at 3 months.

Of course there are better chikdcare providers - I personally used a childminder who I knew well, as the nurseries in teh area were rubbish, and I think you get better continuity of care with one dedicated childminder as opposed to lots of carers in a baby room of a nursery. DD went to the same childminder for over 3 years, we are still in touch with her and visit when we go back to my home town, and dd is facebook friends with her.

And when I wasn't at work, I was glued to dd, we did everything together, co slept etc. I needed to work for financial reasons, and I know that it didn't harm dd. She is, and always has been, well loved and well cared for.

ScarlettIsWalking · 03/11/2011 22:01

Yanbu

They could actually be really selfish parents who hate the baby stage. Those people do exist you know! Although it is an uncomfortable truth some mothers aren't interested in their children. My own sister dropped her son to my mum every single holiday from age 2. She is still there fir him but the relationship is strained.

It isn't always black and White

VivienLeigh · 03/11/2011 22:03

Oh. My. God.

GetOrfMo1Land · 03/11/2011 22:03

And I have always said that you get what you pay for with choldcare - I could have put dd in a poorly regarded nursery, or a childminder with more charges, but chose to pay a fortune to send her to a childminder with only one other charge. Childcare costs were far higher than my rent at the time, but I thought that it was impirtant that the childcare I used was the best I could afford.

VivienLeigh · 03/11/2011 22:05

YANBU OP

Have you thought of calling Social Services?

Kitchentiles · 03/11/2011 22:07

I don't think it's actually the time they're spending away from him that is necessarily the problem. It's more that the fact they're doing it gives the impression they are not that interested in the baby. That's not to say they're not, just that it's a possibility and therefore I can see why the OP might be worried.

runningwilde · 03/11/2011 22:10

Getorf,

Thanks for sharing your experience, I think it doesn't sit well
With me but I respect how you did things and it is interesting to hear from someone who did that.

I still don't agree with the op's sister having so many breaks away but up to her!

runningwilde · 03/11/2011 22:13

I meant the ideas of a three month old baby being in nursery doesn't sit well with me not your situation!

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 03/11/2011 22:15

where do people get this crap from? seriously. not interested in their child because they have had 10 nights away in 182?

all this fake concern for the 'damaged' baby is hilarious. green is not a flattering colour on anyone.

VivienLeigh · 03/11/2011 22:18

no one actually cares though runningwilde

GetOrfMo1Land · 03/11/2011 22:23

running - I know it sounds anathaema to people today, I think because that today most women are allowed at least 6 months aren't they, and most take 9 or even 12.

But, back in the early 90s, if you had to keep your job there was nothing else to do. So there were a lot more women putting children into childcare at 3 months, it was the norm for a working mother.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion, and I know it doesn't sit easily with people, the thought of a tiny baby in childcare. BUT - it doesn't have to be as bad as people assume.

runningwilde · 03/11/2011 22:28

VivienLeigh - take a chill pill love, I'm not asking anyone to care but you obviously care enough to comment? Calm down lovey.

VivienLeigh · 03/11/2011 22:28

runningwilde · 03/11/2011 22:31

Getorf, I really appreciate you taking the time to talk about your experience :)
I think for me, with today's maternity leave, women can take at least six months so why not do it? I don't get why they would not.

It must have been hard for you - there was so little maternity support back then.

GetOrfMo1Land · 03/11/2011 22:35

I sometimes get really het up at these debates - when people say that childcare at 3 months is damaging.

Mind you, it is the norm now to have extended maternity leave, so can imagine that people think that chilkdcare so young really is the pits. That is why I try to explain that mothers of todays teens didn;t have the luxury of extended maternity leave, and for those of us who had to use early childcare, it wasn't as monstrous as it may seem, the oppostie in fact.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 03/11/2011 22:37

running, being at home alone everyday with a baby for 6/9 months can be incredibly suffocating. jsut becase you enjoyed every minute of your baby's frst months doesn't mean anyone who didn't is a bad mother. and maternity pay isn't always enough to cover household bills. so 6 months off just isn't possible.

GetOrfMo1Land · 03/11/2011 22:37

Sorry x posts running. I think it is far better today with the 6 months provision, however that doesn't help everyone, with the stat maternity pay being so low, and also those women who are self-employed.

It wasn't easy going back to work so soon, but it hasn't affected my daughter, or my relationship with her, we are very loving and close, and it is not as horrible as it may seem.

Nevertooearlyforcake · 03/11/2011 22:40

isn't 12 weeks the norm in the US?

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