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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to abandon my house to get away from my MIL?

255 replies

Helena77 · 01/11/2011 17:59

I'm really sorry, I know you hate MIL threads (I know this due to being a namechanging regular) but I really need some help.

I have a one month old DD, and my MIL is spending this week with us as she lives quite far away so has to stop with us. My DH invited her without really running it past me, despite knowing he would be at work all week. When I found out and I asked him to make it a week when he would be here he said it was too late and (wrongly) said I'd agreed to it shortly after giving birth.

It's not that I don't get on with her but she's 80 and is not the 'help' she thinks she is. In fact she has caused me and my DD more stress this past couple of days than we can cope with. Not just the extra stuff I have to do like making her lunch/dinner, but I am constantly having to worry about her as she can hardly walk (has a bad hip) and has a lot of falls, but has been walking about with the baby which terrifies me (our floors are tiled although that's hardly the point). My DH had a word with her about this last night. My DD will not settle with her and our routine (what there is of it) is totally unsettled as I have been trying to please my MIL rather than thinking about what is right for my DD.

My MIL doesn't seem to agree with breastfeeding and keeps telling me that my DD is not getting enough food. My DD cries when she is with my MIL but then instantly calms when I take her, so I know it isn't that she's hungry but my MIL insists she is. The other day she said she was going to go get a bottle and feed my DD as she felt she was hungry and I told her firmly that nobody was going to bottle feed her and that she was fine, that breastmilk is enough. I hate confrontation and I don't want to have an open row with her, but I feel she is destroying what little confidence I have managed to build up with my skills as a new mother - she's my first DC but I'm not a PFB type, honestly. I struggled with BFing at first but now it's going great.

Today I have spent a lot of time upstairs 'breastfeeding' but in reality I'm just trying to have an easier life and stop my DD getting so upset. I also need time away from my MIL but I cannot trust her alone with my DD (or at least, I want to be not too far away) so I have to take my DD with me. This has understandably led my MIL to believe that I am breastfeeding a lot more than I am.

My MIL's granddaughter had a baby just before me and is formula feeding so I am always hearing how "GD does this, and GGD is this" etc etc. I am totally happy with my choice to bf and I don't need to keep hearing how I should be FFing from someone who clearly doesn't know much about it.

Still things were ticking over and I was biting my tongue a lot and giving off an air of "everything's fine, you're being really helpful, please can you hold her while I do something vastly important" so she felt useful. I've also compromised a lot of my own instincts, so when my DD is getting very upset with my MIL I have stayed in the next room lest my MIL feels that I'm not giving her a chance, which is really difficult for me. But tonight I have had enough.

My DH came in from work and we went into the lounge where my MIL had my (screaming) DD. He took her for a cuddle and my MIL remarked to him yet again "Do you think she's getting enough food, she's very unsettled". DH and I yet again explained that BFing was enough, the HV is happy, her weight is perfect, right amount of nappies etc. and my MIL said "well SHE (meaning me) seems to have to feed her a lot, it's been 4 times today!". I left the room at this point as I was very angry about being talked about as if I wasn't in the room, and I slammed the door Blush. I can't deal with this for another 3 days, the anxiety of it all. I know it's small potatoes but it's just unbearable and I am starting to dislike my MIL a great deal. I don't even want to go back downstairs.

I have told my DH that tomorrow I am going to stay with my parents until Sunday (they live 4 hours away). He was very understanding, said he didn't blame me, and said he had no idea his mother would be so insensitive towards me. We are having to fabricate a story about a dying grandparent.

Is this a terrible thing to do? On the one hand I feel bad towards my MIL as I'll be taking DD away, and I also don't see why me and DD should have to leave our own house, but on the other hand my MIL doesn't seem to care about upsetting ME. I don't like running away but DH has told me not to have a confrontation so I can't have it out with her, but I really can't stay with the atmosphere like this, and the feeding thing has become a real bone of contention now. I feel that every time my DD cries, my MIL thinks it's because I'm a bad mother who doesn't feed her enough.

So before I go to down the 'dying grandparent' route I thought I'd consult you here. Thanks if you got this far and sorry again Blush

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 01/11/2011 18:02

can't you get your DH to talk to her about her attitude? I don't blame you for finding it unbearable. But should you be driven out of your own home? I really think your DH needs to have a frank talk. Kindly, she is very old, but he needs to get her to change her attitude.

featherbag · 01/11/2011 18:06

On the one hand I want to tell you to tell your MIL to piss off or get your DH to tell her, and I think youwould be perfectly within your rights to do this. However, I know that even going to your parents' house is a braver step than I would be able to take IRL, I would end up sitting in the bedroom until she'd gone rather than confront her or risk confrontation by leaving (this would also have the effect of ruining any relationship I had with her forever, and spending the rest of her life thinking of excuses not to spend time with her, which would be a shame for DH), so YADNBU by going to your parents'.

ENormaSnob · 01/11/2011 18:10

Yanbu

your husband is though.

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 01/11/2011 18:10

Take off to your parent's house. Spend a relaxing few days with your very lovely DD. Enjoy her and let your DH deal with MIL. He sounds like a nice supportive DH BTW.

eaglewings · 01/11/2011 18:13

Your dh wants you to drive 8 hours rather than speak to his mother?

ChaoticAngel · 01/11/2011 18:19

YANBU Agree with ENormaSnob that your DH is though. He needs to speak to his mother. Going away might solve the problem temporarily but what happens next time she visits?

Original poster
Helena77 · 01/11/2011 18:21

Feather I have thought this myself - would leaving now ruin the whole relationship? It will be obvious it's all a lie but I'm not sure if I care as she lives so far away anyway and it's not as if I have to see her everyday

OP posts:
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 01/11/2011 18:22

Maybe let him see this thread. He needs to deal with his mother to be honest. Otherwise you will always feel that you and DD's needs came last. This is the kind of thing that can slowly rot away at feelings for each other in a marriage, I know!
MIL needs to be told calmly and by DH that she is underming you and it's hurtful. He also needs to never invite her to stay without clearing it with you again, or pay for her to stay in a nice local premier inn at least.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 01/11/2011 18:52

I think I must be a right bitch because I wouldn't dream of tempting fate by lying about a loved one dying, but would have no problem telling my MiL that I was going away and wouldn't be back until after she'd gone home. If she asked why I would say that it was because I couldn't stand being in the house with her any longer. Hopefully she would then flounce and save me the bother of actually going anywhere. DH would be in the dog house too for inviting her without discussing it with me first.

ratspeaker · 01/11/2011 18:55

I doubt the OPs husband is going to talk to his mother about it at all
If she's 80 he's bound to be at least in his 30s, if he's not spoken to her before now he never will, look at how he's willing to concoct a story rather than say to his mum keep your unkind comments to yourself

OP YANBU
but I think its a shame you feel you are in the position you feel you have to leave your home with such a young baby
What would happen if you told your MIL to stop talking to you like that?

Flisspaps · 01/11/2011 19:01

I would be telling him that he needs to ask his mother to either stop the comments or leave as it's not working out with her staying with you. There is no way that I'd be driving four hours, away from my own home, with a month old baby just so that I didn't have to worry about offending his mother.

Time for DH to grow a pair I think, and put the needs of his wife and his newborn above those of his mother. Even if she is 80.

Original poster
Helena77 · 01/11/2011 19:02

Pombear I'm starting to think I should do that actually. We have the hospital tomorrow so I can't go til after that and I'll see how things have gone up to that point.

And all my grandparents are already dead but she doesn't know that. My own parents will buy into the lie if needs be, they don't really know her and they'll be glad to have us there.

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 01/11/2011 19:02

I think your DH has been really selfish inviting her to stay and expecting you to look after her. What was he thinking?!!

Don't fabricate a lie. Be honest and factual. Non emotional. Put in a letter for her to recieve tomorrow if you can't tell her in person. Tell her that you are finding her stay too stressful due to the constant comments about formula. That the comments are effecting your confidence when infact you should feel supported and encouraged by family. You know you are doing the right thing and all the health proffessionals agree. You could then mention there are huge health benefits to breast feeding for both mother and child.

auntiepicklebottom2 · 01/11/2011 19:03

We are having to fabricate a story about a dying grandparent.

do not tempt fate.

auntiepicklebottom2 · 01/11/2011 19:04

sorry late in the reply.

Isla77 · 01/11/2011 19:05

I agree with Paranoid. You are doing the right thing by your baby and baby is thriving. All babies cry sometimes FGS. She is being ridiculous and her son needs to tell her to stop interfering or go home. Hopefully she will do both. You should not need to make up a story in order to escape (and I do not think I would say a dying GM, maybe just a poorly one?). Also, if she is shaky on her legs I would not let her carry baby around. You are a great Mum and she needs to be told to stop interfering.

TidyDancer · 01/11/2011 19:07

I wouldn't leave my house for her, but I would have a word....

It's very likely she really doesn't mean to be malicious, but nothing she's saying or doing is helpful.

Tell your DH to talk to her. She must stop going on about the BF crap and must respect your place at the mother.

Good luck!

skybluepearl · 01/11/2011 19:07

While with a new baby myself, I had complete selfish IL nightmare. We were very honest and factual. I was so impressed with my DH who is usually very spineless but took a gentle but firm stand. It made me feel valued and that my feelings counted.

skybluepearl · 01/11/2011 19:08

All babies cry i agree ...

Well done for BF. The first month is always the hardest and it does get tons easier/quicker

BrawToken · 01/11/2011 19:13

Why can't your husband take some time off work, stay at home and support you/offer back up? MIL sounds like a right old bag.

slavetofilofax · 01/11/2011 19:13

I wouldn't lie about someone dying, I think it's bad karma. You should think of something else if you won't tell the truth.

But nor would I have allowed my MIL to stay for a week when I had a one month old baby, whether my dh was going to be around or not.

I would just go if I were you, if you really are determind to avoid her being upset, and let her figure it our for herself.

Your DH is being a complete twunt. I cannot believe he would allow the Mother of his child to leave her own home with a new baby just because he won't upset his Mummy. How old is he exactly?

dwpanxt · 01/11/2011 19:16

I think it would be better if you cleared things up with MIL -and then went to your parents for rest and recuperation.

Do you think you could find a quiet time with baby asleep and both of you settled with a cup of tea or something .Bring the talk around to the subject of parenting styles and trends and explain that -this is my style and these are my ways of managing my baby. Try to make her see that she isn't helping at all by constant criticism and comparisons.

Because she hasn't been challenged so far she no doubt believes you are both hanging on her every word. She needs to be disabused of this idea.

She might be 80 now but she was once a first time Mum herself and had the same feelings you are having now. Just remind her of those days.

griphook · 01/11/2011 19:21

there's no way that I would have anyone stay for a week a month after givning birth, or for that matter any time. I'm not sure that you would be better off at your mum's either as during the first few months you want to be at home.
I think that your H needs to call in sick over the next three days so you can stay at home and then take her out and about and give you a break from her.

Arachnophobic · 01/11/2011 19:21

OP you have had some great advice and YANBU.

Not meaning to hijack the thread but why is discussing MILs on here a faux pas? I thought I knew all the faux pas on here but clearly not......I would like to have a good old rant about mine Grin

FetchezLaVampire · 01/11/2011 19:27

Don't lie, for one thing she might find you out and for another you are perfectly reasonable to object to her constant bloody annoying comments! Her age is no excuse- my MIL was older than yours when DS was born and a BF sceptic to boot, but she had enough respect for our ability to do the right thing for our son to STFU and let us (well, me) get on with it. Get your DH to tell her straight that you've gone to your parents' house to get away from her stressing you out all the time, then explain that your DD is doing really well on breastmilk, gaining weight well etc, that you are both happy to talk to her about BFing but really, it doesn't matter a shite whether she gets it or not- it's not her decision, she is being undermining and she needs to pack it in if she's to expect a relationship with her DIL and GD.