to abandon my house to get away from my MIL?

[Helena77]

I'm really sorry, I know you hate MIL threads (I know this due to being a namechanging regular) but I really need some help.

I have a one month old DD, and my MIL is spending this week with us as she lives quite far away so has to stop with us. My DH invited her without really running it past me, despite knowing he would be at work all week. When I found out and I asked him to make it a week when he would be here he said it was too late and (wrongly) said I'd agreed to it shortly after giving birth.

It's not that I don't get on with her but she's 80 and is not the 'help' she thinks she is. In fact she has caused me and my DD more stress this past couple of days than we can cope with. Not just the extra stuff I have to do like making her lunch/dinner, but I am constantly having to worry about her as she can hardly walk (has a bad hip) and has a lot of falls, but has been walking about with the baby which terrifies me (our floors are tiled although that's hardly the point). My DH had a word with her about this last night. My DD will not settle with her and our routine (what there is of it) is totally unsettled as I have been trying to please my MIL rather than thinking about what is right for my DD.

My MIL doesn't seem to agree with breastfeeding and keeps telling me that my DD is not getting enough food. My DD cries when she is with my MIL but then instantly calms when I take her, so I know it isn't that she's hungry but my MIL insists she is. The other day she said she was going to go get a bottle and feed my DD as she felt she was hungry and I told her firmly that nobody was going to bottle feed her and that she was fine, that breastmilk is enough. I hate confrontation and I don't want to have an open row with her, but I feel she is destroying what little confidence I have managed to build up with my skills as a new mother - she's my first DC but I'm not a PFB type, honestly. I struggled with BFing at first but now it's going great.

Today I have spent a lot of time upstairs 'breastfeeding' but in reality I'm just trying to have an easier life and stop my DD getting so upset. I also need time away from my MIL but I cannot trust her alone with my DD (or at least, I want to be not too far away) so I have to take my DD with me. This has understandably led my MIL to believe that I am breastfeeding a lot more than I am.

My MIL's granddaughter had a baby just before me and is formula feeding so I am always hearing how "GD does this, and GGD is this" etc etc. I am totally happy with my choice to bf and I don't need to keep hearing how I should be FFing from someone who clearly doesn't know much about it.

Still things were ticking over and I was biting my tongue a lot and giving off an air of "everything's fine, you're being really helpful, please can you hold her while I do something vastly important" so she felt useful. I've also compromised a lot of my own instincts, so when my DD is getting very upset with my MIL I have stayed in the next room lest my MIL feels that I'm not giving her a chance, which is really difficult for me. But tonight I have had enough.

My DH came in from work and we went into the lounge where my MIL had my (screaming) DD. He took her for a cuddle and my MIL remarked to him yet again "Do you think she's getting enough food, she's very unsettled". DH and I yet again explained that BFing was enough, the HV is happy, her weight is perfect, right amount of nappies etc. and my MIL said "well SHE (meaning me) seems to have to feed her a lot, it's been 4 times today!". I left the room at this point as I was very angry about being talked about as if I wasn't in the room, and I slammed the door . I can't deal with this for another 3 days, the anxiety of it all. I know it's small potatoes but it's just unbearable and I am starting to dislike my MIL a great deal. I don't even want to go back downstairs.

I have told my DH that tomorrow I am going to stay with my parents until Sunday (they live 4 hours away). He was very understanding, said he didn't blame me, and said he had no idea his mother would be so insensitive towards me. We are having to fabricate a story about a dying grandparent.

Is this a terrible thing to do? On the one hand I feel bad towards my MIL as I'll be taking DD away, and I also don't see why me and DD should have to leave our own house, but on the other hand my MIL doesn't seem to care about upsetting ME. I don't like running away but DH has told me not to have a confrontation so I can't have it out with her, but I really can't stay with the atmosphere like this, and the feeding thing has become a real bone of contention now. I feel that every time my DD cries, my MIL thinks it's because I'm a bad mother who doesn't feed her enough.

So before I go to down the 'dying grandparent' route I thought I'd consult you here. Thanks if you got this far and sorry again

No yanbu- your dh being a dick , it's bad enough before you even add in bp issues, and to be driven out your own home .

Tell her it's all of much and you would lve to see her again when more used to dd. ignore the bits about dear gdd as that is irrelevant o hat she does with her child.

at mil bingo gene huntsmistress - we play that too.

Seriously your mil a pain but your dh being unsupportive is what landed her there and is keeping her there

A baby who is only a few weeks old wants his mum not his granny.
Harsh but true.

All those saying have a chat, ride it out clearly had an easier time at month than op did - babies can be at most demanding st this age ESP if ebf and op not well.

This woud be ok advice in other circs but not at this point.

I would not have coped with this a month after giving birth either.

What ImperialBlether and kungfupannda said with a smattering of mablemurple.

OP - I can fully appreciate why you're stressed. Your lovely DD will be feeling your stress and maybe that's part of the reason she won't settle with your MIL. As new parents you and your DH should be enjoying your DD so I hope you find a solution that comfortable for you all.

The problem is that you are worried about your MIL & about her with your baby.

I think I could probably tune out what she´s saying, but worrying about her falling either by herself or with the baby is too much.

It sounds as if she needs looking after!

Your husband definately needs to be there.

One of the reasons ILs have never visited us here is tha my husband won´t promise to be off all the time that they are here.

Would it be any good for your mum to come to you, or would that make it worse?

Rather than you being turfed out of your own house, why can´t your husband take his mum home asap?

Yanbu but I wouldn't have driven 4 hours with a 1 month old. Your DH has got to say something. BF 4 times in I'm guessing a 8-10 hour stretch isn't that much, DS would feed all day long at that age and he was putting on a ton of weight.

She can't leave (unless I drive her!) and DH hasn't even suggested that. He's happier to see me and DD leave for an easy life I guess.

Apparently she didn't get on with BF and gave up. Her own DD managed it for a week or so but had to give up - I spoke to DSil in the early days when I was struggling and she was lovely and supportive, I'd love to know if she had the same comments from MIL back in the day but she's very stoic.

Tbh I think she's just dying to give her a bottle, maybe because she can't do anything else except sit with her. She can't/won't change a nappy. But it's the opposite of helpful to continually make me feel like this. She's just acted incredulous that we won't give her water and now I'm doubting myself over the smallest things :(

I wouldn't make up a story either.

I see no reason why someone should be protected from understanding the consequences of their behaviour.

She is bloody rude - you want to get the hell away from her before you throttle her.

This is something she needs to know. I think you should tell her.

Sorry the more I read of this the more annoyed I get with your dh . He will let your travel long way or take your mil home or let you suffer. Nice

Could your mum come and get you? Perhaps arrive at your house when you are in hospital and have a quiet and polite word with your mil?

Oh blimey - you sound like a bloody saint. I'd have chucked her down the stairs by now if she'd criticised my bf-ing more than once. I can't imagine having an unwanted guest while looking after a one-month old baby. But I can't imagine that lying about a death in the family and going on a 4-hour journey will make things better. You have to get MIL back home asap. You could say that you appreciate her coming but that you don't feel as if you're being a very good hostess and that you'd like to see her when the baby is a bit older. Worst case, could she stay in a B&B for the rest of the week? Not easy, I know...

That's sad that she had a tough time and no doubt it is bringing up feelings for her as she sees you doing what she could not do

But it is not about her.

Your baby daughter is only a month old, she needs her mum, she needs to blissfully breastfeed with her mum and really, that is all she needs. If you are going to prioritise anyone's needs and feelings, prioritise your daughter. Because she is only a little baby and you are her life support system and everything to her.

Grown ups can manage their hurt feelings, however old they are and should not be indulging themselves at the expense of a baby. And since what is good and bad for you is good and bad for the baby, please do whatever you need to cocoon yourselves from hurtful and undermining attacks. If that mean long walks, visiting friends, or snuggling upstairs with a laptop or book and your girl on your breast, do it.

Dont feel guilty. This is important for your baby, that you swerve the stress and look after yourself and shield yourself from harmful or hurtful things and people as much as you can.

Enjoy your baby and trust yourself. You are her mum and you know best.

Something I didn't realise when my DS was born, was how anxious GPs can feel around the babies. Mothers will, I suspect, ALWAYS keep that memory of how difficult the first few weeks with a PFB can be, no matter how old they are, and this anxiety is subconciously passed on to their own daughters and DILs.

My mum was nearly 70 when DS was born, and no matter how supportive she tried to be, she drove me bonkers with strange old-fashioned obsessions advice ("Dr Spock's Baby and Childcare" anyone? ). We live with my mother now (she is 83) and TBH, their social skills do start to slip away as they get older.

OP, I don't imagine for a minute your MIL is trying to undermine you. She is coming across as very untactful, but she's just worrying on everyone's behalf. Writing letters and DEMANDING your DH sends her away could do awful permanent damage to your and your DH's relationship with her, and cause great distress to a very old woman.

Tell some white lies, say your doctor has ordered strict bed rest because of your BP and go and get looked after for a few days at your parents. Say how sorry you are to have to cut her visit short and suggest she comes for a nice visit when you are stronger and the baby is more settled. You won't regret it, and frankly, at 80, your MIL probably doesn't have much else to look forward to.

"but she's not exactly what you'd call emotionally intelligent"

I think that is the clue: not her age, nor her own experiences. Unless she has selective amnesia (or health problems) she should know darn well that making those kinds of carping criticisms and that kind of behaviour is unacceptable.

You shouldn't have to escape your own home to get some peace and quiet and respect, but if that's what you need to do then do just that. And it doesn't matter what "excuse" you use - though I wonder why she doesn't know that all your grandparents are deceased.

Your DH of course should step up and deal with his mother directly, but if he's been dealing with her all his life he's probably been indoctrinated into not confronting her.

4 feeds in a day isn't very much for a BFed 4-week old, they are normally more on than off! She probably learned everything she knows about looking after babies from Truby King if she's in her 80s.

Ignore her and don't take what she says to heart. You know you're doing the right thing. I wouldn't let her hold your DD when she's screaming. Just saying "she's crying because she wants her mummy" and holding out your arms until she passes her over is not rude.

How many days into the visit is she?

But the point is you have a newborn, god your DH is making me really angry. His mum didn't need to come and stay at this point, and tbh, this should be his problem, not yours. Book her in a hotel and make him pay. I don't think you should leave it gives out all the wrong messages.

And I don't want to sound like the prophet of doom, but seriously you need to sort this out with your husband now, or it'll get worse and you will start to resent him. You and your baby are his new family and he needs to step up, grow a pair and look after you. You shouldn't even feel like you need to get dressed in the morning.

Excellent post happygilmore

Hi Helena,
I think you should listen to your instincts about what is best for your baby and not compromise at all to keep MIL happy. Don t put up with her carrying DD if she is unstable on her feet. Dont put up with her holding DD if she is crying and you want to take her back. This is your bonding time and it sounds like you are doing a really good job with the breastfeeding and looking after DD. Difficult I know, but tell DH to either take a sickie for the rest of the week or you(or he) must ask MIL to go home. I dont think you should do a long drive to your parents - its not so easy with a young baby and why should you anyway??
It`s not good for you to be tense as DD will pick up on this. Good luck xx

I have only read OP and that of lapsedpacifist (great name btw). I think lapsedpacifist is spot on.

Don't be confrontational, thank her profusely, but definitely escape to the sanctuary of your parents.

Breastfeeding is hard work but rewarding and it would be very sad if her misplaced guidance was to spoil this. You are right, she is wrong. And your DH should hang his head on shame for putting you in such a difficult spot.

Good luck!

My dd1 fed for most of the day at that age too - 4 times would have been less than usual. I hope you can get time to give yourself credit, OP, sounds like you're doing an amazing job in really hard circumstances! I would have probably lost my temper and ended up being very explicit about exactly which comments I didn't like and why I was heading upstairs (not that I recommend that - however, after I made a scene with my ILs once, my FIL stopped making bigoted comments when I was in the room - yay!).

I'm not sure how much being 80 is an excuse for her or a rationale to treat her any differently than you would anyone else... If I were her, at some level I'd want to have a true picture of my relationships so they could continue, and be genuine. What do you think would happen if, every time she says something like this, you calmly point out that you have made your decision, these comments are undermining you, and they have to stop, even if it was different in her day and she really believes her opinion? And that you don't want your early days enjoying your baby, or her relationship with you and your DD, to be tarnished by this constant conflict?

And really: everyone on here is completely right that your DH should step up. If he won't, and you can't solve it any other way, I think you should leave and hopefully not lie about why you are leaving (even if DH disagrees- he is not the one breastfeeding, being undermined, dealing with his mother or feeling the way you're feeling! we don't all get what we want, he didn't support you getting what you want, and perhaps you saying something to MIL that he didn't want you to say is a natural consequence). Time to be selfish, make sure you give yourself credit for the amazing job you're doing, and make sure you get what YOU need.

I would find this unbearable. You shouldn't have to leave though, your MIL should go. She is being really insensitive and you just shouldn't have to put up with this stress when you could be enjoying your baby. She is spoiling your memories of the early days. It sounds like Bf is going really well for you. How dare she undermine you, even if she is from the "pram down the garden, bottle feed every 4 hours" generation. Welcome to the club of people who got on quite well with their MIL until they had children. There are a lot of us!

Helena - your husband is an arse. I don't want to sound like a harbinger of doom but if he doesn't start to realise how upsetting this is for you and how much he should be supporting you, you may deeply resent him for it later.

He should be driving her home or like HappyGilmore says putting her up in a hotel. Fucks sake - you had a baby 4 weeks ago.

I want to come round and sort it all out for you. And I'm not your husband.

I do feel kind of sorry for the dh's in these situations - it is incredibly hard to stand up to your own mother. If they've had a lifetime of giving in for an easy life, it probably feels easier (and therefore more reasonable) to make everyone else in the situation bend to the will of the MIL than to think that she will change/give in herself.

Parents are used to being in charge, it's a very rare parent who really steps back and lets their kids live their own lives without passing comment/judgement etc (at least, ime)

OP - can you just do a 'lalala can't hear you' in your head when she says something? After all - 4 feeds a day, for 14 days - that's 16 times. I'm not saying that she's right at all - just that you're faced with a choice of running away from your own home - ludicrous - or trying to change the mind of an 80 year old woman - impossible. finding a way to cope with it may be the least stressful answer. How about saying in your head 'I'm right, you're wrong' every time she says it.

This must be hard for your dh - he is prob seeing her behaviour from an outside pov for the first time. Don't be surprised if he downplays it later. It will be a coping mechanism on his part. After she has gone, and when you feel calmer, you need to sit him down, point out what happened, and ask him how HE will prevent this happening again - ie, he will always have time off work when she's around, or he'll book her into a hotel etc.

As she's being so passive-aggressive, why not try the same in return 'oh, dd, come to mummy. I know you like me holding you best'. etc. Although that could escalate into a war of words.

In the meantime, can you discover that dd has a great love of the outdoors & go for brisk walks for half an hour each morning & afternoon to clear your head? In fact, might you not find that it's recommended by the doctors at the hospital? From the sounds of it, MIL would need to stay home & watch TV while you & dd go for some fresh air.