to abandon my house to get away from my MIL?

[Helena77]

I'm really sorry, I know you hate MIL threads (I know this due to being a namechanging regular) but I really need some help.

I have a one month old DD, and my MIL is spending this week with us as she lives quite far away so has to stop with us. My DH invited her without really running it past me, despite knowing he would be at work all week. When I found out and I asked him to make it a week when he would be here he said it was too late and (wrongly) said I'd agreed to it shortly after giving birth.

It's not that I don't get on with her but she's 80 and is not the 'help' she thinks she is. In fact she has caused me and my DD more stress this past couple of days than we can cope with. Not just the extra stuff I have to do like making her lunch/dinner, but I am constantly having to worry about her as she can hardly walk (has a bad hip) and has a lot of falls, but has been walking about with the baby which terrifies me (our floors are tiled although that's hardly the point). My DH had a word with her about this last night. My DD will not settle with her and our routine (what there is of it) is totally unsettled as I have been trying to please my MIL rather than thinking about what is right for my DD.

My MIL doesn't seem to agree with breastfeeding and keeps telling me that my DD is not getting enough food. My DD cries when she is with my MIL but then instantly calms when I take her, so I know it isn't that she's hungry but my MIL insists she is. The other day she said she was going to go get a bottle and feed my DD as she felt she was hungry and I told her firmly that nobody was going to bottle feed her and that she was fine, that breastmilk is enough. I hate confrontation and I don't want to have an open row with her, but I feel she is destroying what little confidence I have managed to build up with my skills as a new mother - she's my first DC but I'm not a PFB type, honestly. I struggled with BFing at first but now it's going great.

Today I have spent a lot of time upstairs 'breastfeeding' but in reality I'm just trying to have an easier life and stop my DD getting so upset. I also need time away from my MIL but I cannot trust her alone with my DD (or at least, I want to be not too far away) so I have to take my DD with me. This has understandably led my MIL to believe that I am breastfeeding a lot more than I am.

My MIL's granddaughter had a baby just before me and is formula feeding so I am always hearing how "GD does this, and GGD is this" etc etc. I am totally happy with my choice to bf and I don't need to keep hearing how I should be FFing from someone who clearly doesn't know much about it.

Still things were ticking over and I was biting my tongue a lot and giving off an air of "everything's fine, you're being really helpful, please can you hold her while I do something vastly important" so she felt useful. I've also compromised a lot of my own instincts, so when my DD is getting very upset with my MIL I have stayed in the next room lest my MIL feels that I'm not giving her a chance, which is really difficult for me. But tonight I have had enough.

My DH came in from work and we went into the lounge where my MIL had my (screaming) DD. He took her for a cuddle and my MIL remarked to him yet again "Do you think she's getting enough food, she's very unsettled". DH and I yet again explained that BFing was enough, the HV is happy, her weight is perfect, right amount of nappies etc. and my MIL said "well SHE (meaning me) seems to have to feed her a lot, it's been 4 times today!". I left the room at this point as I was very angry about being talked about as if I wasn't in the room, and I slammed the door . I can't deal with this for another 3 days, the anxiety of it all. I know it's small potatoes but it's just unbearable and I am starting to dislike my MIL a great deal. I don't even want to go back downstairs.

I have told my DH that tomorrow I am going to stay with my parents until Sunday (they live 4 hours away). He was very understanding, said he didn't blame me, and said he had no idea his mother would be so insensitive towards me. We are having to fabricate a story about a dying grandparent.

Is this a terrible thing to do? On the one hand I feel bad towards my MIL as I'll be taking DD away, and I also don't see why me and DD should have to leave our own house, but on the other hand my MIL doesn't seem to care about upsetting ME. I don't like running away but DH has told me not to have a confrontation so I can't have it out with her, but I really can't stay with the atmosphere like this, and the feeding thing has become a real bone of contention now. I feel that every time my DD cries, my MIL thinks it's because I'm a bad mother who doesn't feed her enough.

So before I go to down the 'dying grandparent' route I thought I'd consult you here. Thanks if you got this far and sorry again

I've not much to add other than I'd have said to MIL 'well I wouldn't have to go back to work after 6 months if you popped your clogs and left a nice inheritance' with a sickly sweet smile.

In all seriousness, don't go. Plonk yourself in bed with baby next you in the Moses basket and say you feel unwell, baby needs to maintain her routine (plus there is a growth spurt approaching any day now) AND get him to do some food/supplies shopping before he takes MIL home.

You're a mother now and DH needs to realise that the only person you need in the world is your DD. He's important to you, but non-essential if he's not going to put you two first.

Please, OP, do not take relationship advice from PessMissPiggy

Sorry the non-essential bit sounds a bit harsh but I've recently had this conversation with my DH after he was being an arse due to sleep deprivation tbf

I love you but DD and me come first.

The MIL/inheritance comment Jessie? it's a joke. A dark one, admittedly but still not at all realistic.

OP sorry not read every post so nay be repeating words but new babies should not spend more than 90 minutes in the car seat so there is no way you should be making such a journey with DD.

Part of the problem with a small baby spending too long in a car seat is that the curled up posture can impede their breathing and lead to oxygen de-saturation. Not good.

Please don't go on this long drive - it won't be good for your baby and it won't be good for you.

On the issue of BF - its possible that your supply isn't suffering due to stress so much as because your DD is having a growth spurt and is trying to up the amount of milk available. Which is a GOOD THING. Whatever the cause, thought, the solution is the same - get plenty of rest, let her suckle as much as she wants and make sure you stay well hydrated. None of which will be easy to achieve on a long car trip...

Fingers crossed you can find a not-too-stressful way to get some well earned R&R with your DD this weekend, and that you can find a way to get your DH to see the error of his ways.

(I'm not condoning him at all - it sounds like he's being an insensitive pillock - but is it possible he's believing the "BF babies are very portable" line? From my experience that's true, BUT only once mum and baby are happy and confident and BF is up and running smoothly. Nearer the 3-4 months mark from my experience! That said, whether he's acting with good intentions or not he's letting you down badly by not listening to you and not supporting you.)

Helena - How did you get on at the doctors today? Have you decided what you're doing tomorrow?

That's interesting Tangle, I haven't heard of that before.

Helena- I hope all is well. What have you decided to do?

You're all lovely people. It's ing and :( to me that a group of people I don't know on the internet can be so much more supportive than my own in-laws.

For those asking, I'm 34 he's 46.

Had a hushed discussion about it all with DH last night and I quoted your various BF experiences and info about car seats to him (as 'just being doing some reading on the internet and this can apparently happen' ).

Long story short he agrees that there are far many reasons not to go than to go, and so he is going alone. My BP is still very high (not surprising after this week!) but I'm not using that as an excuse, I'm simply being honest that it's just stupid for us to go. I'd love to have a tantrum but I'll keep that one in the bank I think. Sad for DB as he was very excited but hey-ho.

I've been quite firm about him not making decisions that affect me without consulting me, so we'll see. Hopefully after the grief I've given him this week about MiL he won't want to put himself through it again, regardless of whether he wants to put me through it or not...

Can't wait for some quiet time with DD. My MiL wanted me to leave them both at home whilst I went to the doctors - seriously wtf is she thinking? I ended up dragging both of them there and had to make out she was being really helpful by sitting with DD when it would've been far easier on our own! Thank god it's nearly over [huge sighing emoticon].

Thank you so much all of you, you've really got me through this week, you've no idea! I know it sounds ridiculously over-the-top as it's not a massive problem in the scheme of things but it's all been very stressful and you've been brilliant.

Well done Helena it sounds like you've handled this perfectly. It also sounds like DH is not so bad once you make things clear to him. He's just used to being in charge and he needs to realise that he can't push you around when it comes to DD.

Hope you manage a lovely relaxing weekend on your own with DD. Then perhaps have a calm chat with DH about what happens now once MIL is safely home.

I'm sure your DB (and DSIL) are probably a bit disappointed to miss seeing you and DD. Ask them each to come to you for a short visit in a week or two when you're back on a even keel. It will be nice for DD to meet her Aunt and Uncle and I'm sure they'll adore her. But it can't be at the expense of your health and DD's feeding.

Hooray!

It does sound as if it could be the way he is rather than the age difference-and that you´ve let him do it also.

So-now things have changed for both of you & it takes some time to get used to.

Hopefully next time he´ll at least take some time off!

Have a lovely time bfeeding resting!

Well done you!

Yes I'm not banning her visits of course, but I've said it will never ever again be when he isn't here too! I had no idea how bad it would be or I'd have fought harder after the initial "but you agreed to it after you'd given birth" conversation. Every minute with her feels like an hour.

It's true I have let him do it because I've just tended to not really have strong opinions about stuff before, believe it or not I am quite easygoing and I've always tried to please everyone (often failing hopelessly).

Now I know there's only one person who really matters and that's DD and when it comes to her I will fight. Everyone else can look after themselves.

I think I see a set of MN Balls being strapped firmly on

You're right to stick to visits from MIL when DH is around. I do the same to be honest and mine are not newborns anymore. Of course it is v important for your DD to have a good relationship with your MIL even if she drives you crazy. But that's in the medium term. For now it's all about you and DD (and DH if he's good!).

I can see you have truly embraced your inner mummy tiger as someone said above

Or what fluffy said!

Well done, Helena

I think I'd be tempted to get an online shop ordered for tomorrow with a load of my favourite snacks to see me through the weekend (got to keep your strength up!)

Yay I don't think I've ever been so pleased for a complete stranger. you've handled this so well and now I'm actively envious of your pending weekend of unimpeded baby snuggle bliss.

Thank goodness he's seen sense.

Well done!

Yay! And good for your dh for seeing sense. Enjoy your weekend

hi it,s a tough one i am dv from my xwife i think we have lost who we are when we carn,t talk to people close to us it has been hard to talk to my x i have not seen my children for 2 years i have to get a solicitor to ask her can i go to the school play in december it make me very frustrated or do i just go my mother is 77 she suffers from altsimers you would not belive the change in her in 4 weeks she was in hospital in september i got phone call to say she was agressive and attacking the nurses i thought thats not my mum but it was some old people don,t know how they make us feel they need to be told so they understand.

goose, sorry about your Mother's health deteriorating. Yes, it is sad when close family members have to be told what effect they're having on others.

GalaxyWeaver my H was an enormous twat when my dc's were newborn.. i lost that important time with them because of his behaviour.. we've nearly broke up/divorced and had to go through several councelling sessions to put things right.. even though he's better now, i CANNOT get that time back, EVER, NEVER.. its GONE. DO NOT let you dp ruin these weeks with your newborn because once its gone, its gone and you will bear that regret and grudge for all your days.. i know i will.

What happened?!

If he said that he wants to get all the visits out of the way ASAP then I'm even more sure that he deliberately organised for his mum to come because he wouldn't be around to have to put up with his mum and that he sees this as one of your jobs now that you are married and at home with your dd.

This way he gets all the kudos from his mum for having her to stay and extra for being so hard working and dedicated to his job with minimal grief as he doesn't have to spend much time with her. Even wanting you in the car for company ( for him and her) so he doesn't have to talk to/entertain her on the journey, regardless of the fact it would be detrimental to dd and your health. Thank goodness you've managed to make him realise that and you're now not going.

I don't think he likes spending time with her any more than you do!

Have they left op? Are you sighing enormous sighs of relief and maybe even breaking into a little dance routine?

The arrival of a new baby often seems to bring out twattish behaviour in husbands/huge arguments/general problems. It does take a while for everyone to get used to the new set up and all the new demands (which usually fall around 99% to the mother). Growing a pair and setting out some ground rules right now in the early days will help avoid further twattishness/smouldering resentment.