to abandon my house to get away from my MIL?

[Helena77]

I'm really sorry, I know you hate MIL threads (I know this due to being a namechanging regular) but I really need some help.

I have a one month old DD, and my MIL is spending this week with us as she lives quite far away so has to stop with us. My DH invited her without really running it past me, despite knowing he would be at work all week. When I found out and I asked him to make it a week when he would be here he said it was too late and (wrongly) said I'd agreed to it shortly after giving birth.

It's not that I don't get on with her but she's 80 and is not the 'help' she thinks she is. In fact she has caused me and my DD more stress this past couple of days than we can cope with. Not just the extra stuff I have to do like making her lunch/dinner, but I am constantly having to worry about her as she can hardly walk (has a bad hip) and has a lot of falls, but has been walking about with the baby which terrifies me (our floors are tiled although that's hardly the point). My DH had a word with her about this last night. My DD will not settle with her and our routine (what there is of it) is totally unsettled as I have been trying to please my MIL rather than thinking about what is right for my DD.

My MIL doesn't seem to agree with breastfeeding and keeps telling me that my DD is not getting enough food. My DD cries when she is with my MIL but then instantly calms when I take her, so I know it isn't that she's hungry but my MIL insists she is. The other day she said she was going to go get a bottle and feed my DD as she felt she was hungry and I told her firmly that nobody was going to bottle feed her and that she was fine, that breastmilk is enough. I hate confrontation and I don't want to have an open row with her, but I feel she is destroying what little confidence I have managed to build up with my skills as a new mother - she's my first DC but I'm not a PFB type, honestly. I struggled with BFing at first but now it's going great.

Today I have spent a lot of time upstairs 'breastfeeding' but in reality I'm just trying to have an easier life and stop my DD getting so upset. I also need time away from my MIL but I cannot trust her alone with my DD (or at least, I want to be not too far away) so I have to take my DD with me. This has understandably led my MIL to believe that I am breastfeeding a lot more than I am.

My MIL's granddaughter had a baby just before me and is formula feeding so I am always hearing how "GD does this, and GGD is this" etc etc. I am totally happy with my choice to bf and I don't need to keep hearing how I should be FFing from someone who clearly doesn't know much about it.

Still things were ticking over and I was biting my tongue a lot and giving off an air of "everything's fine, you're being really helpful, please can you hold her while I do something vastly important" so she felt useful. I've also compromised a lot of my own instincts, so when my DD is getting very upset with my MIL I have stayed in the next room lest my MIL feels that I'm not giving her a chance, which is really difficult for me. But tonight I have had enough.

My DH came in from work and we went into the lounge where my MIL had my (screaming) DD. He took her for a cuddle and my MIL remarked to him yet again "Do you think she's getting enough food, she's very unsettled". DH and I yet again explained that BFing was enough, the HV is happy, her weight is perfect, right amount of nappies etc. and my MIL said "well SHE (meaning me) seems to have to feed her a lot, it's been 4 times today!". I left the room at this point as I was very angry about being talked about as if I wasn't in the room, and I slammed the door . I can't deal with this for another 3 days, the anxiety of it all. I know it's small potatoes but it's just unbearable and I am starting to dislike my MIL a great deal. I don't even want to go back downstairs.

I have told my DH that tomorrow I am going to stay with my parents until Sunday (they live 4 hours away). He was very understanding, said he didn't blame me, and said he had no idea his mother would be so insensitive towards me. We are having to fabricate a story about a dying grandparent.

Is this a terrible thing to do? On the one hand I feel bad towards my MIL as I'll be taking DD away, and I also don't see why me and DD should have to leave our own house, but on the other hand my MIL doesn't seem to care about upsetting ME. I don't like running away but DH has told me not to have a confrontation so I can't have it out with her, but I really can't stay with the atmosphere like this, and the feeding thing has become a real bone of contention now. I feel that every time my DD cries, my MIL thinks it's because I'm a bad mother who doesn't feed her enough.

So before I go to down the 'dying grandparent' route I thought I'd consult you here. Thanks if you got this far and sorry again

LapsedPacifist's idea is a good one, and fits very nicely with the hospital visit. Your BP probably is up - mine certainly would be!

It gives you a way of getting away, and doesn't upset your MIL who may well mean well. I do actually think that it matters that she is old and frail, she doesn't need to spend the rest of her life feeling ostracised from her family and new GC.

Your DH was a complete arse for arranging this visit at this time and being worse for not helping you sort it out. He should have realised that you are on strong meds for serious condition and have a newborn to look after, so you don't need a houseguest of any kind.

My own mum meant well and was always asking if she could bottlefeed my EBF DC and why did it matter if DC had bottles as well, etc. She really had absolutely no idea why this drove me nuts. Eventually I said that my child is a baby human, not a calf, so I would be feeding my child milk designed for humans. My mum was also convinced that another DGC was hungry, but the poor baby had colic!

If you do decide to stay, do say "Aw, she just wants her mum" and take DD back from your MIL. If she settles straight away without a feed, you can say to DD "Aw you weren't hungry after all, you just need back to mummy sometimes."

IF you stay and IF you can bear it...can you sit with DD on your lap, but near to MIL and pass DD over while she's asleep. MIL will have to sit still and will get a chance to hold her beautiful granddaughter, which I'm sure is what she really wants.

Your MIL isn't the problem, your DH is. He knows what his mother is like and yet he is quite happy to foist her upon you and expect you to put up with it when you have a tiny baby to look after. That is totally unfair and you need to let him know that. Also, could you really drive for four hours with a baby that small? Wouldn't it take you the entire day given how many stops you'd have to make for feeding/crying etc? I couldn't imagine anything more stressful than driving alone with fractious newborn. The fact that your husband would rather you did that than stand up to his mother speaks volumes about him.

How about the MN tried and tested - did you mean to sound so rude whne you said that? Or something ike that anyway!

What about saying to your baby when your MIL makes the "poor hungry baby" comments. "Aww does grandma think you are no good at breastfeeding? You are brilliant at breastfeeding. All the health visitors say so." etc

Why is everyone dancing around MIL?!

This is your life, your husband's and your child's.

You need to stand up to her and your husband to grow a pair to deal with her.

Do it now or forever dance to her tune.

I would NEVER give my baby to a doddery old fool, family or not. She's even putting you down for breastfeeding FFS! I did it for a year and he's now a strapping lad of 20...

Thank God I am divorced! LOL

I want to thank you all for your lovely supportive comments tonight. Also for the fantastic advice. I really like the suggestion from LapsedPacifist (among others) about going to my folks for rest because of the BP - theres no way anyone could argue with it. It's not even really a lie!

I told my DH about this idea at bedtime and he just replied "whatever" I don't think he cares as long as his mother is none the wiser.

I don't relish the drive up north with DD and it would take ages, but I'm totally prepared to do it because being in my parents house is so much better for our health right now that it negates the hassle of the journey.

It was a terrible mistake for DJ to invite his mother to stay for an entire week. I wouldn't let anyone stay that long! You must be exhausted. She probably doesn't mean to be judgmental but I would feel criticised too. Things have changed so much since 'her day', either that or she has forgotten that babies cry!

He should either speak to her or drive her home early. I can't see the need for her to stay that long, even if she does live a way away.

It's not necessary for you to leave, and certainly not if it means some quite serious lies. It won't solve the problem for next time if you leave now.

OP, you do know your husband needs to grow up, don't you? He's a husband and father now, and that trumps son. You need to have a talk about priorities.

Enjoy your break at your parents, maybe extend the stay a little to get your BP back under control and see what it's like to be supported.

I think your DH needs to be more supportive here. Seriously.

I think your MIL deserves a chance to modify her behaviour before being asked to leave. Your DH should be dealing with her, not you.

Don't leave your own home! Or you could end up resenting your DH.

If he is genuinely refusing to deal with her... Hmmm, avoid her as much as possible.

I will be honest though, if I were you, I'd probably have thrown a real wobbler by now and threatened to leave for good unless my DH dealt with his mother. You sound like you are being very patient.

Yanbu, sounds like my first intrusion visit from mil, except she constantly took ds from me calling him 'her baby' I cracked hed been in scbu, hed been taken away from me enough I hadn't been home 24hr when they arrived, I packed a bag and left!

If you do decide to go then take great care on your journey.
Plan stops every hour and a half and perhaps get your parents to meet you somewhere for one of them to take over the driving. You are still post partum, It could be a physically arduous task - eat and drink loads too. Even if ti takes all day!

I can't actually believe your husband would let you drive that all way on your own with a four-week old baby!
He needs to stay at home and deal with his mother and then drive you up to your parents himself.
Understanding my @rse.
He just wants an easy life!

You could stop halfway for the night. I would! Four hours traveling with a tiny baby by yourself is enough. Once you get to a hotel, you could have room service, a nap, read, whatever you want.

Well I have to say it seems ridiculous for you to leave & then MIL sits around in your house all day until your husband gets home?

Why isn´t she happy just to sit with her GC?

Can you escape to a friend at all or just out for a walk?

After you´ve been to the hospital can you tell her that your blood pressure is up & you just need to be left alone to relax with your baby?

If she makes any comments tell her to stop because of your BP?
Or just walk away.

Like a previous poster said I wouldn´t fancy the 4hr drive & would probably take the easy way & retire to my room.

NAPDAMN's advice some posts ago seemed good; if you have an onside HV can you get her to sing out the virtues of BF in front of MIL?

We went to stay at French PIL's when DS1 was 4wks & MIL & her GP insiste(d that mad itchy rash was because DS was being BF too frequently & my breasts were 'dirty'. French SIL's GP DH stepped in before MIL was personally administering boiled cotton swabs to my offending parts & diagnosed allergy to anti-biotics.

He weighed DS, did some authentic-looking tests & congratulated the entire family on a job well done.

That said, I divorced spineless ex when DS2 was 3...

Failing that I'd drive to DP's. I absconded to my DP's soon after our return from France; best R&R I've ever had. My DM is a champion burper & didn't mind sitting up chatting at all hours with me while I did the 'dirty deed' & then brought me tea in bed. Heaven!

Do you have a baby monitor that you could accidentally on purpose leave on and have this discussion with your dh when you know the monitor will be next to your mil and she'll hear every word? If your dh won't tell her face to face then it would be one way of getting him to tell her :)

If she's going down the passive aggressive route then borrow her tricks - every time she does something annoying, just take the baby back from her saying 'I can't believe you don't want the best for your grandchild!'.

Also find out from her where she found out information from when she had her kids and work out a comeback that shows you are doing the same thing she did - finding the most up to date info you can for the best info for your baby. If she used a book, point out that books update over time as new info is learnt. Eg dr Spock must be onto it's umpteenth version by now - so if he is the expert and is happy to change then why do you expect me to be doing what he said in version 1?

I also suspect that your dh arranged for her to come precisely this week when he couldn't get off work because he didn't want to have to look after his mother full on for a week. Much easier to work and then come home just for food and a catch up chat at the end of the day

I would also use your bp as an excuse to stay in bed with your baby or to go out without mil whenever you feel like it rather than escape to your parents. Is your bedroom set up with a tv, access to mumsnet and all other comforts you might need? Oh and a lock on the door so she can't just walk in.

Don't let her talk get you down, she's just trying to impose her ways on you. You know that you don't agree with them, she is taking your bfing as a personal attack on the way she did things and how her gd is doing things, she admitted she couldn't do it, she's probably just jealous - and desperate to go home and tell her friends about how she fed the baby etc etc. Keep a mantra I'm your head that you KNOW what is best for your child and keep away from her for the rest of her stay.

Good luck and congratulations on doing so well so far.

Please don't drive your newborn baby 4 hours - it will be awful for both of you. Plus you might feel resentful being pushed out of your own house. It's a silly thing to do to avoid a serious chat with MIL.

If your husband won't talk to his mother then you need to. Do it kindly but very firmly and say she will have to leave if she doesn't stop interfering as she's upsetting you. I doubt she will want to cause a rift with you as she'll want to be able to see her DGC. If she persists then she should leave not you and your husband should do whatever he can to facilitate that.

Sounds like an awful situation, OP, you have the patience of a saint. It's so difficult trying to do right by everyone. I'm not sure I share the strength of emotion against DH, this is his mother after all (not sure I'd want to be dealt with as some suggest here when I am 80!), and she is elderly.

I don't think I can offer any concrete advice other than to perhaps try to develop a thicker skin as far as she is concerned. Easy to say, not so easy to do I know, especially 4 weeks after birth. If she were my MIL, at 80 I'd feel better about just letting her witter on (in a "in one ear and out the other, all the while doing my own thing" way) than if she were, say 60. She'd get the message eventually. Her ideas probably are outmoded, and she is almost definitely stuck in her ways and not to likely to change. But it takes quite a shift in a relationship to achieve that level of distance. I guess that having your first DC might be a justifiable time to do so...?

Personally I don't think you should have to leave your own home, but I do think you can prioritise yourself and DD at this stage. If you can only manage that by going to your parents, so be it. But I would leave any discussions as to the whys and wherefores for when you are stronger, physically and emotionally, and have a joint approach agreed with DH.

Good luck. I think you are doing a great job.

You are doing well with the breast feeding, and with not throttling MIL.
However you need to toughen up your skin - breadtfeeding is going well, ANYTHING she says is white noise. Choose NOT to feel undermined - your feelings really are your choice. Feel free to be irritated by her stupid comments - and complain on here to get you though if necessary! - but do not question your feeding decisions because of it. Why would you, on the basis of one out of touch inexperienced person? Doesn't make sense, you k know it doesn't! (but I do know that hormones and tiredness make this harder to see!)
this morning, say to yourself:
-,Anything she says, doesn't matter, it's uninformed bollocks.

• When my baby cries, I will take them back. Honestly - that's a no brainer for me - the slightest whimper and I scooped mine back from visitors. I don't think you should ever let a baby cry if you can help it. Don't even think about how she'll feel. How your tiny baby feel trumps that, end of.

As fo breastfeeding - ONLY four times??!!! Mine was on and off 20x a day at that age - your MIL would have had a field day. Any comments, say "breast is best, and it's all perfectly normal you know". Don't engage further. Smile politely as you say it - but don't get into justification. Even if youvdont feel it (though it sounds like you're doing fine!) smile and say it with confidence. perfectly normal, end of discussion.

"Maybe let him see this thread. He needs to deal with his mother to be honest. Otherwise you will always feel that you and DD's needs came last. This is the kind of thing that can slowly rot away at feelings for each other in a marriage, I know!"

I know this too from bitter experience - my DH behaved like yours, putting my needs last when I'd just been through a traumatic birth, and had a sick baby. He regrets it now, but we can't turn back time. It damaged our relationship, I've never felt the same about him.

You are feeling unsupported but your foolish MIL is not the problem here. Could you perhaps get your health visitor or better still, your doctor to have a word with DH? You have a medical problem and do not need him causing you so much stress simply because he can't get his head around the change in life that comes with being a parent.

I'm with Cabrinha. There is no need to leave and no need for a massive show down, every time she does it just stay calm and repeat you're all happy with the situation, but thanks for the concern. Even arrange a HV visit for while she is there perhaps. Likewise, your baby whimpers you take them back, if she complains look surprised and say well she obviously wants her mother. If she retorts that they're hungry, exaggerate patience and repeat, yes, like I said, she needs her mother.

I don't thibk these things always need a mass confrontation.

one other thing, you come across as feeling powerless, e.g. your DH won't speak to his mother, and he won't let you either.

He is not the boss of you. He has created this situation by refusing to consider you. Why on Earth should you let him dictate exactly what happens? It is your home, tell your MIL that you need her to leave as your blood pressure is being affected by her criticism.

Easier said than done, but I think that, if I'd stood up for myself, my marriage would be a hell of a lot stronger now.

Your last post confirms what I suspected, that your DH is the problem. His mother is elderly and unlikely to change. He knows what she's like, and he knows the stress it's putting on you, he just couldn't be arsed to do anything about it. He sounds like a complete dick tbh.

To clear up the 4x breast feeding thing it's because I spent probably 4x 2hours upstairs and only went down for short periods to show our faces and make MIL feel useful (sigh) so there was actually a lot more periods of BFing. However my MIL doesn't understand how time consuming it is at this stage and thinks it means me and my breasts are inadequate... She thinks 4x a day is excessive so nuff said really.

Every slight quirk or noise my DD has or makes is apparently down to me BFing eg. She startles a lot and that's my fault for BFing. Last night I went on the Internet and read out to her about movo (?) reflex but she doesn't believe in the Internet, research, facts, or the collective experiences of millions of people over thousands of years.

But you are dead right, I KNOW I'm doing the right thing and I need to grow a thicker skin.

I didn't sleep at all last night as I was ticking so much, and anxious about the rest of the week. I woke DH up and told him my issues. He says I'm too sensitive and to either let it wash over me or go to my parents. He claims to have spoken to her and it was a "Helena77 is very sensitive right now and not feeling very confident" type convo which is fine if it gets her off my back but will it?

Hospital this morning, hide/sleep with DD in my room this aft, then see how the land lies.

I shouldn't have to feel like this should I.