to abandon my house to get away from my MIL?

[Helena77]

I'm really sorry, I know you hate MIL threads (I know this due to being a namechanging regular) but I really need some help.

I have a one month old DD, and my MIL is spending this week with us as she lives quite far away so has to stop with us. My DH invited her without really running it past me, despite knowing he would be at work all week. When I found out and I asked him to make it a week when he would be here he said it was too late and (wrongly) said I'd agreed to it shortly after giving birth.

It's not that I don't get on with her but she's 80 and is not the 'help' she thinks she is. In fact she has caused me and my DD more stress this past couple of days than we can cope with. Not just the extra stuff I have to do like making her lunch/dinner, but I am constantly having to worry about her as she can hardly walk (has a bad hip) and has a lot of falls, but has been walking about with the baby which terrifies me (our floors are tiled although that's hardly the point). My DH had a word with her about this last night. My DD will not settle with her and our routine (what there is of it) is totally unsettled as I have been trying to please my MIL rather than thinking about what is right for my DD.

My MIL doesn't seem to agree with breastfeeding and keeps telling me that my DD is not getting enough food. My DD cries when she is with my MIL but then instantly calms when I take her, so I know it isn't that she's hungry but my MIL insists she is. The other day she said she was going to go get a bottle and feed my DD as she felt she was hungry and I told her firmly that nobody was going to bottle feed her and that she was fine, that breastmilk is enough. I hate confrontation and I don't want to have an open row with her, but I feel she is destroying what little confidence I have managed to build up with my skills as a new mother - she's my first DC but I'm not a PFB type, honestly. I struggled with BFing at first but now it's going great.

Today I have spent a lot of time upstairs 'breastfeeding' but in reality I'm just trying to have an easier life and stop my DD getting so upset. I also need time away from my MIL but I cannot trust her alone with my DD (or at least, I want to be not too far away) so I have to take my DD with me. This has understandably led my MIL to believe that I am breastfeeding a lot more than I am.

My MIL's granddaughter had a baby just before me and is formula feeding so I am always hearing how "GD does this, and GGD is this" etc etc. I am totally happy with my choice to bf and I don't need to keep hearing how I should be FFing from someone who clearly doesn't know much about it.

Still things were ticking over and I was biting my tongue a lot and giving off an air of "everything's fine, you're being really helpful, please can you hold her while I do something vastly important" so she felt useful. I've also compromised a lot of my own instincts, so when my DD is getting very upset with my MIL I have stayed in the next room lest my MIL feels that I'm not giving her a chance, which is really difficult for me. But tonight I have had enough.

My DH came in from work and we went into the lounge where my MIL had my (screaming) DD. He took her for a cuddle and my MIL remarked to him yet again "Do you think she's getting enough food, she's very unsettled". DH and I yet again explained that BFing was enough, the HV is happy, her weight is perfect, right amount of nappies etc. and my MIL said "well SHE (meaning me) seems to have to feed her a lot, it's been 4 times today!". I left the room at this point as I was very angry about being talked about as if I wasn't in the room, and I slammed the door . I can't deal with this for another 3 days, the anxiety of it all. I know it's small potatoes but it's just unbearable and I am starting to dislike my MIL a great deal. I don't even want to go back downstairs.

I have told my DH that tomorrow I am going to stay with my parents until Sunday (they live 4 hours away). He was very understanding, said he didn't blame me, and said he had no idea his mother would be so insensitive towards me. We are having to fabricate a story about a dying grandparent.

Is this a terrible thing to do? On the one hand I feel bad towards my MIL as I'll be taking DD away, and I also don't see why me and DD should have to leave our own house, but on the other hand my MIL doesn't seem to care about upsetting ME. I don't like running away but DH has told me not to have a confrontation so I can't have it out with her, but I really can't stay with the atmosphere like this, and the feeding thing has become a real bone of contention now. I feel that every time my DD cries, my MIL thinks it's because I'm a bad mother who doesn't feed her enough.

So before I go to down the 'dying grandparent' route I thought I'd consult you here. Thanks if you got this far and sorry again

Well, going against the grain here, I think it is very sweet of your dh not to want to upset his 80 year old mother. A lot of elderly people do seem very abrupt in the way they speak, their memory may be going (which could account for the "she" comment), they may be in pain, they probably can't do everything they would like to, etc, so it must be very frustrating for them. Some awful comments about elderly women from a few posters.

It's not the best time for her to come, but I don't think you need to have an argument or "have it out with her", and certainly there is no need to lie. So much will have changed since she had her children. Could you not sit and have a conversation with her while she is holding dd (sitting down, not walking around!) - your dd may be less stressed if you are there. Ask her about what it was like when your dh was a baby, that sort of stuff.

I don't think your mil has done anything that bad tbh. Agree that your dh should take the rest of the week off, but if he can't, he should make your lunches before he leaves for work, which will take the strain off a little. If you relax around your mil you may find your dd will too.

I have asked DH to just tell her straight that I'm leaving to get away from her, but he refuses and doesn't want me to say it either. I want her to understand how upsetting her comments are and how they WILL affect the amount she sees us and our DD, because if I don't want to see her then by association my DD won't be able to at least for a while. I can't believe she hasn't thought about this already tbh but she's not exactly what you'd call emotionally intelligent. I genuinely don't think she realises how she's upset me even though I slammed the door and cried over the dinner table. I feel so stressed every time my DD cries (but not because of DD crying - because of my MIL!) and I just want to get away from my MIL. I know I will be criticised to family (DH's sister for example) because the granddaughter's other half has been criticised to me for doing perfectly normal things.

I've had BP problems throughout pregnancy and post-partum which I'm still on strong drugs for, it was coming down but I can feel it rising again! She rang constantly when I'd just given birth, pretending to care how I was feeling. I feel so cross with her for being like this and not respecting our choice as parents. She uses my DD to get at me, I can hear her loudly saying "Oh poor baby, are you hungry then, yes you are" etc etc when I've just fed her and she's just in a temper at me not holding her, not being walked about, and other things she likes and that make her happy. I want to scream "she just HATES you, that's why she's crying!" and I know that's really unreasonable.

H ringing in sick would be ideal but he's a self employed tradesman who can't let his customer down. I'm angry with him too as I tried to get him to cancel this visit before it was too late (citing my blood pressure problems would've been an ideal excuse).

p.s. thanks for letting me vent and for all the great advice, I'm still thinking what to do and will decide tomorrow after the hospital when we'll be over the 'hump' day and things might not seem as bad

I know this is a really annoying situation for you, but... does your MIL maybe have some mild memory problems? You know how old people often say the same thing/ tell the same story over and over, not remembering they've already told it umpteen times? Could she be doing that, rather then intentionally repeating herself?
Just a thought...

sorry, should have said- namechanger!

I wouldn't leave the house and I wouldn't write a letter (can't IMAGINE how painful that would be for your MIL to read) and I wouldn't send her away.

I imagine she feels awkward in your house. You're so much younger and probably seem much more confident.

It's natural to feel easily upset after you've given birth and your MIL should remember that. Your hormones are raging and you just need reassurance that you're doing a great job.

I think your husband should talk to his mum. He should say, "Go easy on OP, won't you? When you say the baby's not eating enough, she panics that she's not a good mum. I'm worried that she'll develop PND. Can you please be encouraging and tell her she's doing a great job?"

It shouldn't be a big issue - hopefully your husband can speak to her in a way that gets his message across but that doesn't hurt her.

No no we love MIL threads! I would run away if I were you, since your DH doesn't want to say anything (big wuss). If it were me, I would have gone before she even arrived. Life's too short to be letting people give you grief.

Could you ask your health visitor to pop over and say in front of MIL that baby is fine and BF is best? Is she the sort that is very respectful of health professional opinion?

With a month-old baby, you need do what you need to do that's best for you, your child and your dh.

Personally I wouldn't lie about someone dying - bad karma.

But by all means tell a white lie (e.g. need the rest, blood pressure, going to parents) and extricate yourself gracefully.

Then make sure your dh doesn't land yourself in a similar situation again - it's enough of a job recovering from the birth, establishing bf and caring for your newborn without having another person (your MIL) to look after and worry about too, especially with her ill-considered comments.

OP you are so not overreacting - her behaviour is unacceptable regardless of her age. I totally sympathise.

I would DEMAND that my DP needs to tell his Mum THIS EVENING that we know she means well but I am finding it very difficult to cope with having a houseguest, and think its best for everyone if he takes her home in the morning. Its not strictly true but neither is it a lie. He needs to be unequivocal and firm.

I am self-employed and I know all about the pressures of not wanting to let clients down, but could he get up early, drive her home and be back in time to pick up on the job? If he is a good tradesman his clients will be understanding and confident that he will make up the time.

I don't think you should be driven from your home. I also don't think her behaviour will change if she's told straight. I also worry for your emotional wellbeing unless you act.

He refuses to tell her straight, but he seems more comfortable with a fib, so he should go along with it. If he dug his heels in, I'd just play the BP card, and tell him my health is suffering, and if that didn't work, he'd have a hysterical woman on his hands.

GET SELFISH OP!

Direct talking is probably the only thing that could save your relationship with her now. The problem is getting her to listen! Running away is only going to mean she behaves like this again in the future.

I do feel for you though, it must be infuriating!

You definitely need to do something, otherwise you run the risk of resenting her forevermore for spoiling these early days for you.

However, I don't think leaving your own home is the way to go about it. This problem is likely to arise again for one thing. While I like Imperialblether's softly-softly approach in theory, this would only work if she isn't the sort of person who will seize upon the idea of the OP not coping and use that to become even more overbearing.

I think the kindest thing all round would be for someone, ideally her son, to have a gentle but frank conversation with her, along the lines of "we want you here, we are glad you are spending time with us, but these comments about BFing etc really do need to stop. The health professionals are happy with it and Helena77 is working really hard at it, and your comments are having a really negative effect."

Can you say to your DH that if he doesn't agree to have this conversation then you will have to consider being honest with her which is likely to damage the long-term relationship?

Although it seems like the obvious solution, going to your parents 4 hrs away is not going to sort this out long term. You know your DH needs to grow a pair and he must at least gentle suggest she backs the fuck off with the comments.

Meanwhile, is there anywhere locally you can escape to for a few hours? Even the house of a friend who is at work? A compromise may be to have your appointment tomorrow, and find that it goes on much, much longer than you thought it would. You may even have to go visit a friend after who you meet at the hospital and not get back until later etc etc.

Even just knowing you have somewhere to escape to and relax a bit might help you get through this.

Since not many people are ready to tackle their mothers firmly in such circumstances and not many on this forum are male I may be the only one who can claim the first and admit to the second of those things.

When my DM said "I don't want to interfere" I interrupted her and said "Good: please don't do so again" - and she didn't. Ever again.

OP It's your home and DH must take your side and mean it. It is preposterous that you should have to get away from her like that - she must accept your ways or go, and DH must say so.

Go easy on her,she is old,my Mum infuriates me too (she's 86) and i bite my tongue loads.
Things were done differently in their day.

Writing a letter would be cruel imo.

I don't beleive that 'tempting fate' is real but i wouldn't go away,i'd probably just tough it out.

And expect royal treatment from DP when she's gone!

Life is to short for you to have stress and this is stress,how horrible for you the kindest thing to do maybe over a cup of tea is to tell her she's leaving tommorow.

Is she jealous, do you think?
Does she want to feed her grandchild a bottle?
Or was she told to bottle feed her own babies and that FF was best?
Not that it excuses her carrying on like this...

Nooo,don't tell her to leave.

Make the tea and have a chat about how things/times have changed,ask her about how it was when she was young,it's hard but try to make friends.
Tell her it upsets you when you feel she's critisising you and that you're doing your best.

It's only 3 more days.

You have a lifetime with your DD,if she's as frail as you say she may not have that much longer.

It's nice to be nice.

My well meaning but actually rather irritating MIL came to stay for 10 days when DS2 was 3 weeks old and her similar 'ooh he's hungry' comments along with an unsupportive HV actually pushed me to ff when I didn'y need or want to. I didn't confront my mil so do have a good relationship with her now but secretly blame her for my bf failings. So, either get rid or for an easy life go to your parents but please don't stay & listen to her any longer as it does get you down & you too may start to doubt your abilities.

eta your MIL sounds like she's just 'old school' rather than being unnecessarily mean so I would avoid a big row as I doubt you'll change her mind now. My mil was told she had to FF as she had 3 large boys & as I too had large boys I think she genuinely believed bf wouldn't be sufficient.

If you tell her to leave,how will she get home,?
If DH is working too much to take a couple of days off will he take a day off to drive her home?

Your husband is bang out of order. You are 4 weeks post partum with a newborn, you shouldn't be having week long visitors anyway, never mind someone in their 80s that you are ending up looking after.

Tell your DH to man the fuck up, support you as his wife and mother to his child and tell his mum to go home. FFS.

if dh does not deal with mil and tell her to pull her head in or go home because you are too tired for a longer visit, then he is at risk of damaging your relationship. you and dd should come first.

OP - go stay with your parents. Tell MIL that your blood pressure issues are continuing (no need to tell her why) and you need to go to your parents so they can look after you and DD.

Fuck letting down a client, your DH is massively letting you down! WHo is more important to him, you or a bloody CLIENT?

You need to give him the choice, either he takes rest of the week off and gets his mother out of your bloody way every day, or he tells her like it is. Somehow I'm guessing which choice he will take.

I feel for you, your MIL is identical to mine (except the BF bit thank god, she was fully supportive of that) but she also had to stay for 4 days, 6 days after I had given birth. I can't tell you the stories of what she said and did as it will totally out me IRL, but trust me when I say I know how you feel and unfortunately it hasnt got any better in the years since.....FWIW it has taught me that it is really quite pointless challenging her. I let it wash over me as much as possible, a person in their 80s is unlikely to accept or change they views tbh.

What makes this all manageable is that my DH is totally on side, in fact she probably pisses him off more than me, but that helps as I quite often find myself defending her to DH so it makes me sympathetic to her perspective I suppose.

We do have great fun playing Grandma Bingo whenever she stays though. We can't often look at each other for fear of pissing ourselves when she comes out with her classics....

You ned DH to step up. If my DH had been on MIL's "side" I don't think we would still be married. Sorry. But I wouldn't leave, nor turf her out. DH just needs to protect you from the worst of her, especially so when you are at your most vulnerable after giving birth.