to abandon my house to get away from my MIL?

[Helena77]

I'm really sorry, I know you hate MIL threads (I know this due to being a namechanging regular) but I really need some help.

I have a one month old DD, and my MIL is spending this week with us as she lives quite far away so has to stop with us. My DH invited her without really running it past me, despite knowing he would be at work all week. When I found out and I asked him to make it a week when he would be here he said it was too late and (wrongly) said I'd agreed to it shortly after giving birth.

It's not that I don't get on with her but she's 80 and is not the 'help' she thinks she is. In fact she has caused me and my DD more stress this past couple of days than we can cope with. Not just the extra stuff I have to do like making her lunch/dinner, but I am constantly having to worry about her as she can hardly walk (has a bad hip) and has a lot of falls, but has been walking about with the baby which terrifies me (our floors are tiled although that's hardly the point). My DH had a word with her about this last night. My DD will not settle with her and our routine (what there is of it) is totally unsettled as I have been trying to please my MIL rather than thinking about what is right for my DD.

My MIL doesn't seem to agree with breastfeeding and keeps telling me that my DD is not getting enough food. My DD cries when she is with my MIL but then instantly calms when I take her, so I know it isn't that she's hungry but my MIL insists she is. The other day she said she was going to go get a bottle and feed my DD as she felt she was hungry and I told her firmly that nobody was going to bottle feed her and that she was fine, that breastmilk is enough. I hate confrontation and I don't want to have an open row with her, but I feel she is destroying what little confidence I have managed to build up with my skills as a new mother - she's my first DC but I'm not a PFB type, honestly. I struggled with BFing at first but now it's going great.

Today I have spent a lot of time upstairs 'breastfeeding' but in reality I'm just trying to have an easier life and stop my DD getting so upset. I also need time away from my MIL but I cannot trust her alone with my DD (or at least, I want to be not too far away) so I have to take my DD with me. This has understandably led my MIL to believe that I am breastfeeding a lot more than I am.

My MIL's granddaughter had a baby just before me and is formula feeding so I am always hearing how "GD does this, and GGD is this" etc etc. I am totally happy with my choice to bf and I don't need to keep hearing how I should be FFing from someone who clearly doesn't know much about it.

Still things were ticking over and I was biting my tongue a lot and giving off an air of "everything's fine, you're being really helpful, please can you hold her while I do something vastly important" so she felt useful. I've also compromised a lot of my own instincts, so when my DD is getting very upset with my MIL I have stayed in the next room lest my MIL feels that I'm not giving her a chance, which is really difficult for me. But tonight I have had enough.

My DH came in from work and we went into the lounge where my MIL had my (screaming) DD. He took her for a cuddle and my MIL remarked to him yet again "Do you think she's getting enough food, she's very unsettled". DH and I yet again explained that BFing was enough, the HV is happy, her weight is perfect, right amount of nappies etc. and my MIL said "well SHE (meaning me) seems to have to feed her a lot, it's been 4 times today!". I left the room at this point as I was very angry about being talked about as if I wasn't in the room, and I slammed the door . I can't deal with this for another 3 days, the anxiety of it all. I know it's small potatoes but it's just unbearable and I am starting to dislike my MIL a great deal. I don't even want to go back downstairs.

I have told my DH that tomorrow I am going to stay with my parents until Sunday (they live 4 hours away). He was very understanding, said he didn't blame me, and said he had no idea his mother would be so insensitive towards me. We are having to fabricate a story about a dying grandparent.

Is this a terrible thing to do? On the one hand I feel bad towards my MIL as I'll be taking DD away, and I also don't see why me and DD should have to leave our own house, but on the other hand my MIL doesn't seem to care about upsetting ME. I don't like running away but DH has told me not to have a confrontation so I can't have it out with her, but I really can't stay with the atmosphere like this, and the feeding thing has become a real bone of contention now. I feel that every time my DD cries, my MIL thinks it's because I'm a bad mother who doesn't feed her enough.

So before I go to down the 'dying grandparent' route I thought I'd consult you here. Thanks if you got this far and sorry again

I can't believe how angry I feel towards your DH! What a git!

He needs to read this thread. Please don't let this lie with him, this needs to be resolved between you for the sake of your marriage and your baby, because it will leave a lasting bitter taste in your mouth and affect your relationship.

This time you are experiencing now, the first precious week with your first baby, is such a special time. You are in the middle of it right now so you probably can't see that clearly, but this really is one of the most significant times of your life. You will never get these weeks back, even if you have another baby, it will be different. Please don't let anything spoil it. Do whatever you have to do to make sure your feelings are heard and acknowledged.

I would speak to her. If your husband has dumped his insensitive mother on you whilst he goes to work then I do not see why you need his permission to tell his mother her comments are upsetting you.
I would do it calmly though and just say "MIL DH and I hav chosen to breastfeed because we think it is best for our baby who is gaining weight well. I find your constant moans about breastfeeding and your remarks about always wanting to give her a bottle upsetting and it is damaging our relationship and making me not want to spend time with you.
Can you please not make any more remarks about the way baby is fed whilst you are with us"
I don't see that as a rude nasty remark to make to an old lady, I would have made it well before now. I don't tiptoe round people who are trying to boss me around, especially when they are trying to do it in my own house.

My twopennorth is that you need to set the tone now otherwise you are going to be sadled with this dynamic as long as she is still alive.

I know you are shattered with a new baby and dont need the thought of extra stress, but evidently Dh doesn't get it. Therefore at the very next comment you just need to calmly and exhaustedly say, please - no more criticism- it is making me feel very stressed. I am going to continue breastfeeding so I would be grateful if you could just stop making criticisms of me.

Doesn't have to be angry or a showdown. Just tell her.

How anyone could think that a baby feeding 4 four times in a day is excessive is beyond me - even a formula feeder! Even an adult, for goodness' sake - don't the vast majority of people have 3 meals and a snack or two per day?!?

When a baby has been drip-fed nutrition 24 hours a day in the womb until only 4 weeks ago, WHY WHY WHY would it suddenly be happy to go hours and hours in between feeds with nothing?! Sigh.

Agree - please show your husband this thread and reclaim your little sanctuary - i.e. your home.

or simply the MN favourite

"MIL, that sounded rude, did you mean it to be?"

Don't be afraid of confrontation with her.

Your DH is being a spineless wonder and if he doesn't sort his mother out now it will only get worse.

I agree that this is your DH's problem. He needs to lay down the new rules, now that you are a family of 3. It is not acceptable that you are forced from your home, even for an 80 year old.

If you don't establish a joint point of view now, you're looking at 18 years+ of headaches every time your MIL visits (IMHO it gets worse as children get older because they learn how to exploit any differences between family members).

YANBU. You could have problems with your milk production if you are too stressed out as well as everything else. Can someone drive you the 4 hours to your parents? - Your dad maybe (I know it would be a fair bit to ask but if dh will not) or do you have a sister/brother/friend who might drive up with you?

WHile it IS the DHs problem, if he is refusing to address it then OP is stuck. I feel you shouldn't be helpless here, and just tell her calmly next time she starts up.
And you will probably have to set the dynamic from here on in, with or without DH on board. Next time he invites her for a week - he has to be there. I bet that will stop him even trying it.

And don't think that you should humour her because she is 80, and not long of this world.

At 98, my grandmother is still revelling in winding up her DILs.

as an aside - I found that people (ok MIL...) perhaps didn't like to admit that she couldn't get my newborn to stop crying, maybe feeling that she ought to with her experience (which is nonsense of course) and often gave the 'she must be hungry again because she is only breastfed' comment as an excuse to hand her back to me and not take any responsibility as such...could this be contributing?
Personally I would be wary of hurting her feelings, although she is yours I know. She may not be here much longer and she is a person, a woman, a mother too. First stop should definitely be to try to talk to her openly as many other posters have suggested with good ideas for intros. If that doesn't work then perhaps you need to consider being more bold but if you go straight for the big move you may regret it, I fear, in the future. I lost my mum before my firstborn arrived and I often remind myself, when MIL is annoying me, that my own mum would no doubt have annoyed me lots too but now I would so love to be annoyed by her and I can't. It is what family is woven from as well as the good bits.
Problem with growing families - so many people's feeling to get hurt and trodden on! Never easy.

I agree with everyone else that your DH is becoming the problem by not wanting to tell his mother to get off your case- he is effectively condoning her unacceptable behaviour. By not telling her, you are failing to address the issue, which will still be there next time, believe me! What happens when MIL wants to give DD baby rice at 3 months, is incredulous when you're still BFing at 4 months, challenges your chosen method of introducing solids or potty training or 1,000 other things that are really none of her business? Your DH needs to nip her tendency to interfere/compare you with DGD in the bud, right now, for your sanity and the sake of your marriage. If he can't or won't, then you must, but I fear you will lose respect for him if that is the case.

I really am incredulous that your "D"H is happy for you to drive for four hours with a tiny baby on your own! What a complete and utter knob!

You´ve already "stood up" to her re bfeeding & it seems as if she either thinks she know better or just isn´t listening.

So just repeat, tell her you´ve already spoken about this & it doesn´t need saying again or ignore.

If you generally get on OK, it could be that baby has upset the dynamic & she is trying to establish/reassert herself in the hierarchy.

Which isn´t worthy of your time!

Hopefully things will go better after the appointment-or that at least gives you an excuse to stay away from her for the rest of the visit.

This is very sad. You shouldn't have to leave your own home because you're being made uncomfortable there, but there don't seem to be many other options. Your MIL is 80, so very unlikely to change her behaviour (ageist, w/e) and if your DH isn't able to be at home to support you then this will continue upsetting you until she leaves. I would honestly tell her that you're going to your parents for R&R and just go. It isn't a great solution but for your own health it seems to be the best one available.

I think it's a good thing she lives so far away. I completely understand what you said about her seeing your DD less often because of her behaviour - I had exactly the same thing with FIL and SIL but they live only 10 minutes from us so it was really obvious that I was limiting contact.

oh one other thing - maybe have a quick post on gransnet for a different perspective and maybe some great tips for dealing with it?

Poor you OP, I really feel for you. I know how time consuming and unhelpful ILs staying can be, especially with small babies. I won't add any more advice than other people have given, but I wanted to add that when your MIL stays in the future (and your DH has the week off obviously ) I hope you may find that there is less issue with her giving unhelpful advice/comments etc.

My sister's MIL was really critical when DN was very small, as Dsis was BFing, co-sleeping, 'playing with him like he is a toy', 'making a rod for her own back' etc etc. As time has gone on they have become less and less critical and now (DN almost 2) their visits are pleasant. DSis's MIL sees that her grandchild is happy and confident and secure, and has accepted over time that the parenting choices are different. Add to that the fact that DN loves his grandparents, and they are helpful because they read to him and talk to him etc etc, and the visits are no longer a trial (my sister lives abroad so visits are long). I hope this will be the case for you too, if you can get over this more difficult stage.

Didn't have time to read the whole thread but just wanted to say that if MIL is 80, like my DM and DMIL, confronting a problem once doesn't make it go away because 5 minutes later they have forgotten and make the same old comments again. I know not all old people lose their short term memory but it seems very common and I am all too familiar with it. You just think you've got an issue sorted and then it pops up again ad infinitum. I don't know what the answer is. Sometimes I just ride along by nodding and "mmm" ing, and other times I lose patience and argue - but usually regret it when it has made no difference.

Agree you need to nip this in the bud now! Challenge her at the time, if it's a snide remark ask "What do you mean by that?" and if it's a more direct critisism, just say "Well we all have our own ways of doing things!" as brightly as you can manage, and smile. If that doesn't make her chill, tell her directly you're doing what you think best, and her choices aren't the same as yours so could she please let you get on with it, and if you're wrong you'll find out in your own time. Further comments would be met by me with "I've already asked you to leave me to this" followed by "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to go home, this isn't helping anyone".

Actually, at the point you're at, I'd be going straight to that last bit! Why IS she still there??

I'm another one who thinks that the biggest problem is your H, who (unfortunately, like a lot of men) is accustomed to putting you last.
Your MIL may be a bitch, or she may be well-meaning but losing the plot a little. However, if your H can't get hold of the idea that right now he needs to put you and the baby ahead of everyone else's feelings, including his own, there's going to be trouble in the future.

Sheer nosiness on my part OP, feel free to ignore, but if your MIL is 80, how old is your husband and how old are you? My reason for asking is I was wondering how long he was tied to her apron strings accustomed to deferring to her, and whether, if there is a substantial age difference, this plays any part in his subconscious prioritising.

Imho you need to bring this up infront of your MIL when your DH is present - make him confront the issue. Imho this is a completely unacceptable situation, especially considering your bloodpressure.

Tbh, I would leave, and be very clear about why - no lies, not almost-truths.

...and I would also make it patently obvious DH was in the doghouse BIGTIME.

Get her out.

And tell your frankly inadequate DH that if he doesn't wake up to where his responsibilities and loyalties now lie, he's going to cause some very hard to get rid of resentment towards him AND his mother.

And yes, he's not the boss of you. This is YOUR home. You don't like what's happening here, and he is saying that he won't sort it, but won't 'let' you sort it either? Err - no! Nip that kind of thinking in the bud RIGHT now where your MIL is concerned, or this will happen again and again. Teach him NOW that he either has the choice of sorting it himself, or you'll do it- and he may not like the results. But one thing he does NOT get to do is control what you say in your own home.

Te him she has to leave, and if he won't do it, you will. Because she is being rude, inappropriate and interfering. Believe me, you REALLY want to tackle this now. Bottom line, this is the way she feels she can behave to you now that you have a child- her grandchild. Put a firm stop to it RIGHT NOW by responding in the way you would if anyone else treated you like this. The next time she comments, explode.

'Do you mind??! Do you REALISE how rude you sound? The way I feed my child is nothing to do with you!! I am sorry but I really have had enough of your interfering and I am telling you now that if this is the way you intend to conduct yourself from now on then you will not be seeing as much of me and my child as I would have liked. I am DD's mum. If you cannot respect that fact or respect the fact that you are a guest in my home then PLEASE LEAVE!!'

Something along those lines could save you eighteen years of irritation and bad feeling. She is being completely out of order. Nip it in the bud now.

OP I do sympathise but may I inject a slight note of caution here?Your baby is only one month old and your hormones etc are all over the place.You know the bf is the right thing to do-no question of that.
But this is an old lady who is obviously having some age related problems.She is unlikely to be around for many more years in the long term and just a couple of days in the short term.She loves your dh and her dgd very much and is trying to be involved but she is getting it wrong partly because you are compounding her concerns by disappearing for up to 8 hours a day leaving the old lady alone downstairs.She is your guest.Cant you feed dd downstairs and put her down in pram/basket where your m-i-l can watch/rock/talk to her?Share a cuppa and ask her about how things were done when she was a new mum.
If you create a permanent rift now your dh may find it hard later.She isnt being so very awful you know-I feel a little kindness and understanding would defuse the situation.Its only a couple of days.