to abandon my house to get away from my MIL?

[Helena77]

I'm really sorry, I know you hate MIL threads (I know this due to being a namechanging regular) but I really need some help.

I have a one month old DD, and my MIL is spending this week with us as she lives quite far away so has to stop with us. My DH invited her without really running it past me, despite knowing he would be at work all week. When I found out and I asked him to make it a week when he would be here he said it was too late and (wrongly) said I'd agreed to it shortly after giving birth.

It's not that I don't get on with her but she's 80 and is not the 'help' she thinks she is. In fact she has caused me and my DD more stress this past couple of days than we can cope with. Not just the extra stuff I have to do like making her lunch/dinner, but I am constantly having to worry about her as she can hardly walk (has a bad hip) and has a lot of falls, but has been walking about with the baby which terrifies me (our floors are tiled although that's hardly the point). My DH had a word with her about this last night. My DD will not settle with her and our routine (what there is of it) is totally unsettled as I have been trying to please my MIL rather than thinking about what is right for my DD.

My MIL doesn't seem to agree with breastfeeding and keeps telling me that my DD is not getting enough food. My DD cries when she is with my MIL but then instantly calms when I take her, so I know it isn't that she's hungry but my MIL insists she is. The other day she said she was going to go get a bottle and feed my DD as she felt she was hungry and I told her firmly that nobody was going to bottle feed her and that she was fine, that breastmilk is enough. I hate confrontation and I don't want to have an open row with her, but I feel she is destroying what little confidence I have managed to build up with my skills as a new mother - she's my first DC but I'm not a PFB type, honestly. I struggled with BFing at first but now it's going great.

Today I have spent a lot of time upstairs 'breastfeeding' but in reality I'm just trying to have an easier life and stop my DD getting so upset. I also need time away from my MIL but I cannot trust her alone with my DD (or at least, I want to be not too far away) so I have to take my DD with me. This has understandably led my MIL to believe that I am breastfeeding a lot more than I am.

My MIL's granddaughter had a baby just before me and is formula feeding so I am always hearing how "GD does this, and GGD is this" etc etc. I am totally happy with my choice to bf and I don't need to keep hearing how I should be FFing from someone who clearly doesn't know much about it.

Still things were ticking over and I was biting my tongue a lot and giving off an air of "everything's fine, you're being really helpful, please can you hold her while I do something vastly important" so she felt useful. I've also compromised a lot of my own instincts, so when my DD is getting very upset with my MIL I have stayed in the next room lest my MIL feels that I'm not giving her a chance, which is really difficult for me. But tonight I have had enough.

My DH came in from work and we went into the lounge where my MIL had my (screaming) DD. He took her for a cuddle and my MIL remarked to him yet again "Do you think she's getting enough food, she's very unsettled". DH and I yet again explained that BFing was enough, the HV is happy, her weight is perfect, right amount of nappies etc. and my MIL said "well SHE (meaning me) seems to have to feed her a lot, it's been 4 times today!". I left the room at this point as I was very angry about being talked about as if I wasn't in the room, and I slammed the door . I can't deal with this for another 3 days, the anxiety of it all. I know it's small potatoes but it's just unbearable and I am starting to dislike my MIL a great deal. I don't even want to go back downstairs.

I have told my DH that tomorrow I am going to stay with my parents until Sunday (they live 4 hours away). He was very understanding, said he didn't blame me, and said he had no idea his mother would be so insensitive towards me. We are having to fabricate a story about a dying grandparent.

Is this a terrible thing to do? On the one hand I feel bad towards my MIL as I'll be taking DD away, and I also don't see why me and DD should have to leave our own house, but on the other hand my MIL doesn't seem to care about upsetting ME. I don't like running away but DH has told me not to have a confrontation so I can't have it out with her, but I really can't stay with the atmosphere like this, and the feeding thing has become a real bone of contention now. I feel that every time my DD cries, my MIL thinks it's because I'm a bad mother who doesn't feed her enough.

So before I go to down the 'dying grandparent' route I thought I'd consult you here. Thanks if you got this far and sorry again

if your dh finds it hard later, he only has himself to blame

can you ask your HV if there is e.g. a breastfeeding group in your area? Or sign up for baby massage or baby yoga, or go to a cafe with your DD.

you need a break, another outlet

I'd also be wary of dh telling her that things are making you lose confidence. If she's like she sounds she is going to take it as license to interfere even more on the basis that if you're losing confidence then you obviously need more of her 'wisdom' to tell you what to do.

I'd tell her that her constant criticism and refusal to listen to you as the mum, along with her lack of understanding that baby rearing techniques have evolved and changed for the better over the last 50 years (in the same way that she wouldn't have wanted to do rear her child the same way they did 50 years before her children were born) - all these things are causing you real problems with your blood pressure and as such you are retreating to your bedroom until she gets her act together and stops her interfering ways.

Given that you have had a hospital appointment today I'd also take the opportunity to say the doctor says I'm doing great/ baby is doing great being bf/ you are causing stress/ I need to rest away from you more/ everything else you want to say to her.

Good luck with the hospital Appt by the way, hope it all goes well and that you manage to extend and enjoy your escape from your mil.

Pranma - I love the sound of the scene you've just set there.

OP - I actually wonder if Pranma has hit on something that could make all the difference here. If you get MIL taking about when she had her babies especially the first she'll probably start to remember how hard it is at first and then she might realise she needs to give you a break.

I still think if she persists then it should be her that leaves not you but it might be worth trying hard to get her on side first.

Oh and remember to point out to your dh that the next time he arranges for his mum to visit without checking with you first and/or for when he won't be there then he will find that you have booked to go see your parents/best friend/spa holiday/anywhere else but here for exactly the same time that he has booked for his mum to visit.

Hopefully he will realise that you are serious and quite how bad things are.

OK new tactics, cobbled from a mix of suggestions on here.

I'm not going anywhere, it would be ludicrous and I had a CS anyway so not sure about driving all that way anyway. MIL can't "leave" as she is reliant on my DH to get home.

MIL came with me to the hospital (my DH had asked her to a few days ago so she could sit in the back with DD) and although I'd have liked to be on my own I took the opportunity to have a chat about when her children were born. We didn't get onto feeding, just a bit of a chat about midwives, but hopefully it reminded her she was a new mum once. She made a comment that she thought I was doing a good job (maybe because she knows she upset me last night but still).

We got home, I fed DD, and asked MIL to sit with her while I do some stuff. I don't want to alienate her or have her feel neglected. Pranma I do realise she's a guest but she's also meant to be helping not hindering, and aren't the rules for guests slightly different when there's a newborn in the house in that they shouldn't expect to be 'entertained' as such? But I do get what you are saying so I've taken it on board and will try not to sit upstairs so much (even though I'd rather!).

Any further comments about DD being BF will be met with "this is our way of doing things, please stop questioning it, I am doing what I feel is right for DD and although it's hard work and time consuming it will pay dividends in the long run" and words to that effect.

And I am reminding myself that there's only 2 more days to go, that then it will be just me and DD and will be blissful, and that this situation will only happen again over my dead body. Thank you all for your brilliant advice :)

Oh and yes to answer the very astute person who asked about DH and my age gap, there is quite a gap and he does tend to 'rule the roost' over me. I'm trying to stand up for myself more but it's hard as I'm low in confidence and he can be quite dominating (ex military and used to being in charge!). He left home at 16 and has spent years working abroad so I can't say that he's tied to apron strings but DFiL died last year so there is an element of tiptoeing round MiL because of this. I know my BiL (DH's sister's husband) really struggles and they live next door! It's like nobody is good enough for her immediate family and it drives a wedge between her and her in-laws IYKWIM.

DFiL's death means she has more time on her hands and thinks too much about things that don't affect her (interferes). I'd have thought she'd be glad to have a DGD to take her mind off things tbh and not want to alienate her DiL... She still has all her faculties, drives and lives independently so although she's 'elderly' and her hips have gone, she's the fitter type of octogenarian.

My DH was very cross on your behalf when I told him about this thread. He thinks your DH needs to be much firmer and should not have invited his elderly mum to stat when you are looking after your first four week old baby as she is not a help and is stressing you out. He also thinks you shouldn't have to drive for hours and flee your own home.

He wonders if your parents could collect you, or take your MIL home?
He also thinks you need to do whatever you need to look after yourself as you and the baby are one unit and if you are stressed, it is not good for the baby.

What a shame, so sorry for you.

Hope the hospital appointment goes well and you are able to do whatever you need to do to feel calm and focus on your DD.

Not long to go before she leaves, hurray.

Do think you should have a talk about your new family boundaries and what is acceptable in future, because this has not been a success and some renegotiating and new rules need to be in place.

Good luck.

Hope it all works out OK for you.

We are abroad & Ils have never visited & have missed their only GC growing up.

Sad situation, really.

Still, their choice.

I´m glad you´ve decided to stay & tell her how you feel if necessary.

I think a lot of us do wade in with our own anti MIL views, and if she´s being thoughtless rather than deliberately nasty it would be a shame to ruin the relationship imo.

But shame on your husband-especially if your MIL wants to be helpful/not be a burdon but isn´t capable!

Something someone said further up really scared me "welcome to the club of those of us who got on with our MiLs until the DCs arrived". I just KNOW that's how it's going to be, there's no avoiding it and there's little I can do because she won't change, and I won't back down on how I'm raising my DD to suit her. Her interaction with her daughter's husband is exactly how it will be with me now too. I just have to be confident that I'm intelligent enough to do the right thing.

Putting up with this for another 2 days isn't going to be easy, but I simply can't run away and she can't go anywhere either. I don't want to get my parents TOO involved and I couldn't expect them to drive all this way to get me (they were only here at the weekend and my mum was down for the whole of last week which was an entirely different and successful and lovely experience!).

I'm going to repeat my suggestion that you get out for a bit, without your MIL, ideally to a place that you can meet other new mothers. Your confidence seems so low right now, and you could do with some real life support!

Well done - I think you've handled this very maturely and it does sound as if DH had a word with his mum even if it was a bit more of the "be gentle to Helena type". Probably a better result than a more aggressive "get out now, mum" approach. Only 2 days until you get the house to yourself and I feel you've still sent the right signal to MIL that you want her in your lives but this is your baby and she cannot interfere.

Helena, I take my hat off to you, being this reasonable and able to think through things only four weeks after giving birth. And I am very glad you are not going to drive a long way, esp with a CS(!).

You've had such good, thoughtful advice on this thread.

I think your comment about the tiled floor 'although that's hardly the point' is actually very important. Your MIL's actions are causing you to worry for your daughter's safety, and no new mother can cope with that even for a tiny moment.

Re the confidence thing - you are your daughter's mother now. I think it's probably time that your DH stops asking his mother to do things for (to?) you - like coming to stay, go with you to the hospital. It's your role to decide what happens now, for you and for your dd. Good luck, and enjoy your new baby, particularly after the weekend...

Helena, you seem to be dealing with this very well. Well done you. I've just read the whole thread and I think driving all that way with a newborn when you are only 4 weeks post-op would have been a terribe idea. I'm glad you decided to stay.

Your husband does need to grow a pair. He has a family now and needs to nuture and protect that family. And at the moment that means shielding you from anything likely to send your blood pressure soaring or to criticise your parenting. If my husband invited his mother to stay and then aranged to work all week while I was stuck at home I would be bloody livid.

"welcome to the club of those of us who got on with our MiLs until the DCs arrived".

Well I think some of us are prepared to put up with "foibles"/let her think she´s the matriarch.

But when you have your own child, you become your own family/more assertive...

"I wouldn't dream of comparing you to my mother, so could you please stop making comparisons with your GD/GGD," is a good'un to let fly off the tongue if you're feeling particularly nettled! If she has any sense, she will be mortified.

A similar thing might work with DH as well, if you have any brothers, or exboyfriends he knows of...

Sounds like you are already ahead of the game and the new rules...you do have a lot more power than you perhaps know. All of you are adjusting to the new set up and perhaps your husband just assumed that you would welcome an older woman in the house as a new mum and would bond over womanly baby things or something...this is an opportunity for him to reevaluate and see how things are, not make assumptions!

You are looking after yourself and your baby and holding your (strong) position, which is that you are the mummy and know best what is right for your baby. Eventually the rest of the family will fit into the new way things are, with or without gracefulness, and your assertiveness now should hopefully pay off. It's already paying off because she sounds like she is backing off a bit, and you dont have to run away and get even more tired and stressed driving for hours, and you are carrying on with breastfeeding, so well done you.

good luck, sounds like my worst nightmare to have my parenting style criticised every hour of every day by my MIL!

i would choose a phrase to repeat every time she brings up the feeding issue, as you said above. just keep repeating, shorten it if needs be so it gets shorter each time till eventually it's a "No!". that's what you do with babies/small kids

i hope your dh is going to make up for all the stress you've had to deal with when she's gone!

Really feel for you OP. I had problems with my in-laws not helping when I really needed it and actually making things very difficult for us, it was quite malicious. My DH didn't stick up for me. This went on for years. Now things are a bit better but I can't forget it. I actually think I hate them for what they did but mostly I am sad that I resent my DH for not growing a pair when he needed to.

Definitely start as you mean to go on.
Well done for not bowing down and giving in to her.
I had my mil stay for a month recently and she only meant to help, but I hated every second of it. I wanted to scream

Well I think she's now biting her tongue about the feeding but has a new campaign!

I decided to sit with her this morning (although I dreaded it) so she didn't feel lonely. More fool me! Apparently I shouldn't return to work at 6 months and should "think about her (DD) instead"

I replied that I DO think about her and she said "but she'd rather be with you than a stranger". I said "yes she'd rather be with DH too but do you tell him he should give up work?". Right on cue my DD acted hungry, bless her, so I could leave the room.

Am now hiding upstairs. This sucks!

Have texted "D"H to say perhaps tonight he can tell her to keep her fing fwitted opinions about how we raise our DD to herself. Not mature or clever I know but I'm pissed off! Is she trying to cause a ruck and if so WHY?

I think the person who mentioned about milk supply was spot on as well. DD is and so am I.
Thanks for letting me vent.

Poor you - she really knows how to upset a new mum. I don't think she is trying start a ruck it's that she has strong views formed over a long lifetime and doesn't want you to make a mistake (as she incorrectly sees it). She really needs to learn to keep her mouth shut about your decisions though. I actually think your response to her was fine. Plus DD going to a childminder / nursery when you go to work will be a great way of getting her to interact with other kids. You could stress the positives to MIL too.

I think your text to DH may spur him into action to have a firmer word with his mum so don't worry about that . If not then just keep on correcting her as you just did.

Re your milk supply I would suggest eating a lot, drinking a lot of water or squash and getting plenty of rest. Also bring DD to the breast however frequently she needs it. I have breastfed two to over a year and found these were the best ways to build up and maintain a good supply. If this also gives you a break from MIL that that's all to the good. Perhaps worth posting on the breastfeeding board as there are some real experts there who'll be able to offer suggestions.

Is she going home tomorrow? Not long now.

Poor you. This is to say 'hello' while you hide in your bedroom or wherever (I spent many hours hiding in my bedroom from PILs over the years).

How many hours to go? Tick them off. Could you do anything that needs doing - shopping, etc - this week (while she's here) and then lay in supplies/jobs done so you can Do Nothing (except feed/sleep/be with dd/get over it all) when she's gone?

Oh Helena - look her stay is nearly over. You need to lay some clear ground rules with your DH after this stay - no inviting her for extended stays unless HE is around to entertain her too, have a word with her about how you and he are deciding to raise DD together and criticism is not acceptable - and ensure he sticks to them. Till then, take the water off a ducks back approach - every time she says something that would otherwise make your blood boil just hmm and say an interesting thought and change subject/make tea/escape for fresh air.