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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to tell DS we won't be celebrating his birthday tomorrow because of his use of the F word?

193 replies

ilovetomandjerry · 30/10/2011 10:32

Birthday tomorrow, but has done an activity yesterday with friends, dinner out and sleepover.

Used the F word this morning when his friends were still here and also found he had used it in writing something not very nice about a boy at school.

So DH and I have told him that tomorrow he will not be getting presents and cards - if he behaves for the week he can have them Fri.

Are we being too harsh?

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 30/10/2011 13:19

If you feel this isn't the right punishment, then tell your son that his birthday will be reinstated but he loses X for X amount of time.

Maybe I am wrong but I have given consequences and then backed down once I have calmed down and realised I was out of order.

gabid · 30/10/2011 13:23

Its not just a word - it carries a lot of agression and says a lot about the person who keeps using it.

When I first came to the UK (to learn English) my friend and I worked in a restaurant and my friend met some people who kept using the F word constantly and she thought it was cool and copied it. At the time we didn't know any better but we soon learned and felt a bit embarrassed about it.

gabid · 30/10/2011 13:28

XyZ - swear box is a good idea, I doubt it will work with my 6 year old everytime he says poo as 3 year old has joined in with the fun now.

Maryz · 30/10/2011 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

4madboys · 30/10/2011 13:37

LOL can you imagine he turns 100 and someone has to tell the queen not to send him a bday card as he swore that week!

DollyTwat · 30/10/2011 13:42

thunder my son doesn't know my mn name
He doesn't know what a twat is
It would take too long to ex

DollyTwat · 30/10/2011 13:43

Explain how my name came about

posted too soon

thunderboltsandlightning · 30/10/2011 13:45

ilove please come back and tell us that you've uncancelled the birthday and found another punishment.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 30/10/2011 14:00

"stripeybumpinthenight Sun 30-Oct-11 11:19:09
I disagree with Hecate "

Many, many people do swearing is just one of my zero tolerance areas. bad language, bad manners, bullying... Won't tolerate them. They show a total lack of respect and consideration for others, imo.

I am aware I am in a minority with that (except maybe the bullying), but that's ok. I'm happy to be superbadguy with my kids on this.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 30/10/2011 14:01

Oh - and I am currently having HUGE problems with my youngest swearing, so it's not that I am coming from no experience!

2BoysTooLoud · 30/10/2011 14:10

mmm.... it does sound like you have celebrated his Birthday already so that it is not a party being cancelled.
I think waiting a week is too long but you could have a chat about his behaviour and perhaps let 'Birthday' go ahead as sounds like a low key day anyway [school too?]. You don't have to back down or apologise at all. You can express shock at his behaviour but say that if he promises to improve behaviour/ language/be nice to people things can go back to normal.
It sounds to me that you are having a frustrating time and I can understand you going off deep end on punishment. You can back down with dignity if you want to! Good luck.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 30/10/2011 14:31

Shelly - if take things out of context and you can find whatever you like really can't you

Yabu, he is 11 not a baby anymore. Kids that age swear, he didn't swear in front of you, you probably weren't supposed to hear it.

...the rest of the post...

Give him lines or something but for gawds sake don't cancel his birthday.

tbh if he is 11 and he said the f word i dont think that is all that bad, its to be expected at his age!

...the rest of the post...

really punish him but you arent going to stop him swearing he will simply learn when and where its appropriate, ie not around adults!!

YABU. All kids that age swear....

...the rest of the post...

yours just hasnt learned how to keep it out of ear shot yet

Most 11 yr olds swear when talking or writing to each other on occasion. He didn't swear at you?

...the rest of the post...

I think it's a harsh pusnishment for using that language with his friends. Overreacting will make him lose respect for you even more. If he actually swore at you, it would be a different matter.

So, Shelly - which of those posters said it was OK for kids to swear - which of those posters said anything different to you I've never heard DD(13) swear. I don't doubt for a moment that she does swear but she's careful enough not to do so in earshot of her dad or me

???

RCToday · 30/10/2011 14:47

Camaleon - I don't think this situation can be compared to a miscarriage of justice

I just don't think its a big deal, he will learn a lesson from it, he is still getting the gifts but will need to watch his behaviour for a week, he's 11 not 4 - perfectly easy for him to understand the concept

If he was acting up in school or at scouts etc and a trip or big treat was coming up, not being allowed to attend would be a normal punishment

I don't think he will hold a grudge until he is 90 nor do I think OP needs to attend parenting classes

usualsuspect · 30/10/2011 14:50

Its no wonder so many kids grow up hating their parents ,if some posters think this is a normal punishment

milkysmum · 30/10/2011 14:51

Sorry but I think way way to harsh- he didn't murder someone!! He swore, not nice but not a major crime!

MilkNoSugarPlease · 30/10/2011 14:53

That's fucking horrible OP....its his birthday for god sake

He WILL remember this

valiumredhead · 30/10/2011 14:53

And he will hate you for it!

Misschief101 · 30/10/2011 14:59

usualsuspect No I wouldn't but I know plenty of adults who had soap in their mouths when they were kids too. Not everyone hates their parents either. A lot of us would argue it did them the world of good. Although I can only speak for those I know.

PeneloPeePitstop Would you get a life.

OP please can you give us more information. I find it really unfair you post this and then bugger off. It's almost like you've posted for the reaction.

OTheHugeWerewolef · 30/10/2011 15:03

Surely the fact that he'll remember this is kind of the point?

Misschief101 · 30/10/2011 15:08

OTheHugeWerewolef Thank you. I wondered if I was alone in thinking that is the whole point.

DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 30/10/2011 15:10

My mum cancelled my DB's 7th birthday. Neither of us ever forgot that. Don't do it.

insanityscratching · 30/10/2011 15:10

YABVU it is way too harsh.

I don't doubt that my dc's swear and have for many years as the majority of them are adults now however they haven't ever swore in my presence.

I don't see anything wrong in admitting you were hasty and retracting the punishment and substituting it for something more reasonable.

I've done the same at times when first instincts has been anger and I've been too harsh.

It's not backing down it teaches a child that we are human, we make mistakes and aren't afraid to admit it and put it right.

Your ds will never forget that you cancelled his birthday and will find it hard to forgive too.

Explain you were shocked come up with house rules that you all agree on and a system of rewards and consequences should he need them that are thought out in advance and use his birthday as a new beginning for better behaviour from you both.

tangledweb · 30/10/2011 15:19

I posted earlier that my mate's Dd had had her birthday cancelled several times and someone half joked that the punishment hadn't worked. I'll tell you that her usual feral behaviour has been magnificent on the run up to her last couple of birthdays (last one was on friday).

Show me one punishment that only needs to be used once (other than the death sentence ;-)).

I'll say it again, OP didn't cancel it, she's postponing it. For a few days. The poor sweary little lad had also had a celebration yesterday so is not going without.

Original poster

ilovetomandjerry · 30/10/2011 15:25

Thank you to those of you that supported me in this and thank you for the ones that have made me feel like the worst mother in the world (although I was half expecting that!)

Yes, I feel like he has had his main birthday experience yesterday which cost a fair bit, no, he didn't swear at me and yes it probably was a bit of showing off in front of his friends.

BUT, that sort of language is totally inappropriate for his age and no I'm not going around with my head in the clouds - I do know what goes on when I'm out of earshot or he's at school. BUT, he knows its unacceptable so has to suffer the consequences.

Yes, it was a bit of a knee jerk reaction but sometimes (as I think someone agreed with me) they need something severe to really make them think twice about doing it again!

He has written me an apology note and said he will never swear again which I have thanked him for. Having discussed it with DH we will let him have his presents and cards tomorrow - it was going to be very low key anyway as he is back to school.

Oh, and he was already being punished by no TV/computer/Xbox etc.

Thanks for all your comments - good and bad - interesting points of view.

OP posts:

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 30/10/2011 15:27

Her usual feral behaviour has been magnificent on the run up to her last couple of birthdays

So it hasn't helped her 'feral' behaviour the rest of the time, just for long enough to get presents?

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