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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to tell DS we won't be celebrating his birthday tomorrow because of his use of the F word?

193 replies

ilovetomandjerry · 30/10/2011 10:32

Birthday tomorrow, but has done an activity yesterday with friends, dinner out and sleepover.

Used the F word this morning when his friends were still here and also found he had used it in writing something not very nice about a boy at school.

So DH and I have told him that tomorrow he will not be getting presents and cards - if he behaves for the week he can have them Fri.

Are we being too harsh?

OP posts:

Sevenfoldedbloodybodies · 30/10/2011 12:23

yabu
really OTT

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 30/10/2011 12:25

TangledWeb
'My mate's DD has had 1 birthday party that hasn't been cancelled because of bad behaviour in the past 5 years'

Nanny0gg
So Tangledweb, would you say that as a punishment it works?

Misschief101 · 30/10/2011 12:25

Totally agree RCToday. Oh and no I didn;t hold the washing up liquid in my hands I wish it was held in my mouth and when I didnt learn my lesson as I swore again I had to swallow it and look at me I'm alive and not harmed in anyway today, Woohoo!

OP please post what he wrote.

reallytired · 30/10/2011 12:43

I think the OP needs to go on a parenting course to learn more effective and appriopate ways to discipline her son.

"
Used the F word this morning when his friends were still here and also found he had used it in writing something not very nice about a boy at school."

I think that using the F word in writing something not nice about another child is more serious than using the F word. However I don't think cancelling a birthday party is an appriopiate conquence.. I get the feeling that you feelings have over powered the common sense part of your brain. He needs a punishment that fits the crime.

If it was my son I would sit down with him and tell him that I feel disappointed in his behaviour. I would tell him that he had let himself and the entire family down by his behaviour. I would ask him what he was thinking and feeling at the time. I would ask him what he felt was an appriopate way to deal with the situation.

This charity family lives have a helpline that you can phone for support.

I think you should retract the punishment. Show your son that you are brave enough to admit your mistakes and back down.

SauvignonBlanche · 30/10/2011 12:43

Blurgh - and right next to a Fairy Liquid advert.

PeneloPeePitstop · 30/10/2011 12:50

It's quite disturbing that someone who has had abusive behaviour dealt to them is saying it's ok.

usualsuspect · 30/10/2011 12:52

Misschief101 ,would you use the fairy liquid punishment on your own DCs ?

thunderboltsandlightning · 30/10/2011 12:53

Dolly if you call yourself a twat, it's pretty unreasonable to expect your nine year old son not to follow suit. Children pick these things up from parents even if parents aren't aware or don't want to admit it's happening.

I'd suggest you change your name. If you don't respect yourself enough not to call yourself a twat how can you expect your 9 year old son not to?

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2011 12:56

If the OP's son was writing about another child, did the other child read it? Who did read it?
Because if it was the OP, then it needs dealing with, but it's not bullying.

unfitmother · 30/10/2011 12:57

Bloody hell - hope OP is off talking to her son about her disapointment and explaining why she is changing the punishment.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 30/10/2011 13:00

Cancelling a birthday party over swearing is ridiculous imho and will cause much unnecessary resentment. Anybody who thinks that ten year old boys don't sometimes swear to impress their friends is a bit of a loon. We may not like the idea of it, but it really does happen. I have two lovely teenage girls who wouldn't dream of swearing in front of me but I'd be a fool to think that they don't swear with their friends.

Writing something nasty about another boy is worse than the swearing but again, in the grand scheme of child behaviour, it happens...Tell hhim why it's nasty and why he shouldn't do it; investigate if it was stupidity or bullying at work, but either way - don't postpone his birthday because of it. It will just make you look mean and give him reason to hate you (and no pre-teen/teen NEEDS an excuse to hate their parents at times: it comes with the hormones!).

And as for washing up liquid in the mouth - sounds like abuse to me.

ShellyBoobs · 30/10/2011 13:01

...I think the OP needs to go on a parenting course...

Are you joking or being deliberately offensive?

camaleon · 30/10/2011 13:02

RCT said: "OP cant back down now or he will become worse than ever"
I will never ever understand this kind of logic. Obviously you should be coherent on approach to discipline and predictable and only threath with what you can carry out.. However, we are human and sometimes wrong.

This is like saying that we should never be able to appeal a miscarriage of justice because it would undermine the authority of the whole judicial system... REally strange way of thinking.

FetchezLaVampire · 30/10/2011 13:03

YABU.

Unless you can honestly say, with your hand on your heart, that neither you nor your DH have ever let slip the F word in front of your kids, then you ABVVVVVVVVVVVVU.

Dawndonna · 30/10/2011 13:07

I honestly don't see what's wrong with sitting the child down, and saying, look, I got it wrong, I'm sorry about that, however, what you did is not acceptable and therefore you will be on a computer/tv ban for a week, but birthday will go ahead.
It's not backing down, it's demonstrating that adults are fallible but old enough and wise enough to admit when a mistake has been made. Ime that creates respect.

spookygarlic · 30/10/2011 13:07

YABU. Think of another punishment, it's still his birthday despite his use of the F word. How old is your DS? Here, use of the F word gets an instant TV ban for a week. I've only had to do it once.

gabid · 30/10/2011 13:11

It comes across as offensive, yes, but I think the OP needs to think about her disipline style and read up or get some advise, otherwise she might be headed for trouble in the years to come.

gabid · 30/10/2011 13:11

advice - sorry

zippadeedoodaa · 30/10/2011 13:13

Oh put the pitchforks away guys. Anyone would think the Op was planning a public flogging. We have all said things in the heat of the moment that we then regret. I think the OP gets that it was perhaps a tad OTT (but I personally think that her DS deserves some sanction) and is hopefully sorting this all out, she doesn't need to be made to feel anymore like shit than she probably does already. FWIW I have a stroppy teen at the mo and I feel like shit about his attitude and how I deal with him quite a lot of the time and I make mistakes in my response to issues that arise. I hope I'm big enough to say sorry when I get it wrong but DC's need to know that they cannot behave badly with impunity.

microserf · 30/10/2011 13:13

i think the OP has been scared off for good, but for my 2 pence, YAB very U. i think there are much better ways you could have handled an entirely normal situation without cancelling or postponing a birthday.

ShellyBoobs · 30/10/2011 13:13

ChippingInAutumnLover Sun 30-Oct-11 12:19:52

Shelly - I think you should actually read the thread - who exactly has said it's OK for a child to swear?

I did read it, thanks. This is what I read in various posts:

Yabu, he is 11 not a baby anymore. Kids that age swear, he didn't swear in front of you, you probably weren't supposed to hear it.

tbh if he is 11 and he said the f word i dont think that is all that bad, its to be expected at his age!

YABU. All kids that age swear....

Most 11 yr olds swear when talking or writing to each other on occasion. He didn't swear at you?

It's just a word

gabid · 30/10/2011 13:15

I think you can back down and say you got it wrong - we all make mistakes. Some seem to confuse it with the todder asking for sweets where the parent gives in after 20 minutes of nagging.

comedycentral · 30/10/2011 13:15

YABU! Very harsh

usualsuspect · 30/10/2011 13:15

If you think your children will never swear you are very naive.

xyz2011 · 30/10/2011 13:17

read the first part of the thread, I think it is harsh however what i tend to do with 16, 17 year old which i know are older, I take £1 off them for every swear word they use in the house, been doing it for years, like a swear box, so when they have no money...I say tough, they think twice about it nowadays as the 6 year old can pick everything up the say!!!!

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