... to tell DS we won't be celebrating his birthday tomorrow because of his use of the F word?

[ilovetomandjerry]

Birthday tomorrow, but has done an activity yesterday with friends, dinner out and sleepover.

Used the F word this morning when his friends were still here and also found he had used it in writing something not very nice about a boy at school.

So DH and I have told him that tomorrow he will not be getting presents and cards - if he behaves for the week he can have them Fri.

Are we being too harsh?

could you get your son to write a letter of apology to the boy at school, and then deliver it personally to him? Perhaps it would be better to have a more 'positive' punishment, than taking something away such as xbox, wii, or a birthday.

Total over reaction.

Sounds like he was over excited and showing off - yes needs to be punished but NOT by cancelling his birthday, that should NEVER happen and I am shocked anyone would think that was ok.

It doesn't sound an appropriate punishment -I would agree with rubytuesday-have a 'positive' punishment. He will remember that evermore as unfair.

Just reread the OP and it is incredibly unreasonable and a bit cruel.
You cannot withold cards from other family members for a start, Harry Potter style!

Too much and I am pretty strict.

Where do you go from cancelling a birthday? You will have to get harsher and harsher.
What will you do if he does a bit of shoplifting, chop of his hands?

You can retract without backing down. Tell him how upset you were and that your reaction was a ilustration of this. You have thought about it more carefully and would like to think of a more appropriate punishment.

So in summary, yes, you are being way too harsh.

And tomorrow you'll have the joy of explaining to every relative who phones to wish him happy birthday that you've cancelled it, and he can't thank them for their presents or cards because you've withheld them.

Fucking hell, that's way OTT!

This is the sort of thing my mother used to do and it has taken me a very, very long time to forgive her.

One Christmas she put all of my presents in the dustbin. I can't even remember what I'd done.

That's the trouble with out of proportion punishments. The child will remember the punishment for the rest of their life, but they won't remember the crime.

My mate's DD has had 1 birthday party that hasn't been cancelled because of bad behaviour in the past 5 years.

You're not cancelling it, you are postponing it.

YAB a little bit U but i'd stick with it. Perhaps, let him have one pressie and card at breakfast but keep the rest until friday, it's not long.

So Tangledweb, would you say that as a punishment it works?

YABU. A birthday is a celebration of a persons life, and fuck all to do with their behaviour IMO. Surely you can't actually go through with it? Imagine him waking up tomorrow, on his birthday, and not even giving him a card. Really? You could do that?

thats super mean op

I'm that so many people think it's ok for a child to swear.

I've never heard DD(13) swear. I don't doubt for a moment that she does swear but she's careful enough not to do so in earshot of her dad or me.

We don't swear in front of DD and I have never sworn in front of my parents, either.

For me it's a matter of respect. I would be extremely disappointed in hearing a young child of mine say or write 'Fuck' and would definitely punish them for it.

But would you cancel her birthday Shelly?

Fair enough Shelly, but to take away his birthday pressies is very harsh. A smaller, fairer, less harsh punishment would surely be acceptable.
I don't think anyone is saying don't punish him, just that this is too much.

no-one is saying its ok for a child to swear, just that children do it and they simply learn to do it when an adult WONT hear them, in this case the op obviously did hear or one of his friends told tales? yes tell him off, say you dont expect to hear that kind of language and come up with a suitable punishement but cancelling his birthday is NOT a suitable punishment by any stretch of imagination!

ignore these lot. i think you should! he'll think twice next time!

Its not ok to swear. It is not on par with getting bought home by the police.
If he was bought home by the police I would cancel his birthday.

If he swore I would make him go and sit in his room to calm down and then apoligise and explain to him what would happen if he did it again and why.

Shelly - I think you should actually read the thread - who exactly has said it's OK for a child to swear?

I really don't understand the outrage here

He misbehaved, he is being punished

He needs to learn about consequences, unlucky for him it was the day before his birthday

OP cant back down now or he will become worse than ever

That's too much! It may make him angry and defiant. Have you tried talking to him, he is starting to become a teenager. That style of discipline will alienate him. It may be a 'fashionable' word amongst his friends at the moment, but he needs to understand how his use of the F word affects others and how others will see him. Maybe there is an appropriate consequense you can agree? But I can't see how taking away his birthday can help or has anything to do with the actual crime.