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AIBU?

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Original poster

... to tell DS we won't be celebrating his birthday tomorrow because of his use of the F word?

193 replies

ilovetomandjerry · 30/10/2011 10:32

Birthday tomorrow, but has done an activity yesterday with friends, dinner out and sleepover.

Used the F word this morning when his friends were still here and also found he had used it in writing something not very nice about a boy at school.

So DH and I have told him that tomorrow he will not be getting presents and cards - if he behaves for the week he can have them Fri.

Are we being too harsh?

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovetomandjerry · 30/10/2011 10:39

Forever banning computer/DS/Xbox for other bad behaviour - and he just behaves for a bit and then does it again.

Last few months constant battle to get him to do homework, show respect and have some manners - I'm fed up!!!

And yesterday cost quite a bit of money and then he does this. Angry Sad

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/10/2011 10:40

How is it fully deserved?
If a child does something wrong they should expect a consequence.
When would they ever expect that to be the cancellation of their birthday/party? Were they warned? Or did you go straight in?

And OP, have you told the rest of his family that his birthday has been postponed?

onadifferentplanettoday · 30/10/2011 10:41

I think its too harsh,if it hadn't been his birthday tomorrow what would you have done to punish him instead? If he misbehaves on Xmas Eve will you cancel his Christmas?

usualsuspect · 30/10/2011 10:41

He said fuck ,its hardly the crime of the century

and you really think cancelling his birthday will make him behave better?

4madboys · 30/10/2011 10:41

tbh if he is 11 and he said the f word i dont think that is all that bad, its to be expected at his age! really punish him but you arent going to stop him swearing he will simply learn when and where its appropriate, ie not around adults!!

Lulumama · 30/10/2011 10:41

YABU

it sounds like you have been getting tired of his behaviour for a while, and this has all blown up with his use of bad language, so you should have tried to tackle the bad behaviour sooner rather than cancelling his birthday which is also punishing people who have given gifts and cards.. and it's almost like saying i wish you'd not been born

RCToday · 30/10/2011 10:41

At 11 he should know if he swears, he will be punished

Bad timing for him he did it the day before his birthday

What did he write about? That would worry me a lot

Maybe give him a chance to earn his qifts back over the next week or so

I dont think its awful or terrible, he will learn from it

ElaineReese · 30/10/2011 10:42

YABU. Retract it, quickly.

thunderboltsandlightning · 30/10/2011 10:42

Fuck isn't the worst thing in the world, certainly not enough to take away a child's birthday. Your punishment doesn't fit the crime.

You need to get some perspective. If you're in a negative cycle with him, you need to look at how you're behaving. Cancelling his birthday is spiteful. If you're retaliating when he misbehaves rather than disciplining, it won't work.

FabbyChic · 30/10/2011 10:43

All kids swear. However mine are now 18 and 23 and I have never heard them say a swear word but they do just not in front of me.

Perhaps you wasn't meant to hear it?

BluddyMoFo · 30/10/2011 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tyler80 · 30/10/2011 10:44

Not giving cards until Friday is postponing his birthday rather than cancelling, and presumably the activity done yesterday with his friends was birthday related. So given the above I don't think it's hugely over the top.

TheFidgetySheep · 30/10/2011 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

4madboys · 30/10/2011 10:44

exactly fabby, kids swear, its pretty normal ime, they just learn not to get caught doing it.

i would have a talk, explain you over reacted but that you are disappointed in his behaviour and expect more and come up wiht another punishment, you cant cancel his birthday!

NinkyNonker · 30/10/2011 10:45

Blimey, I just got a clip round the ear for the F word, and I had quite tough parents!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2011 10:45

What's the point anyway if you're going to give him his stuff on Friday? It's just a postponement that doesn't really make sense.

I don't think you should have picked his birthday as a punishment. What are you going to do on Friday, hand over the presents with big smiles? It's going to feel weird - and false. Confused

Stop him having his mates over, make him write down his reasons for calling the other boy names... not this. Talk it over with your husband and decide the punishment - then speak to your son and tell him what it will be.

I don't think his birthday is going to be a cheery occasion anyway now, do you?

Theas18 · 30/10/2011 10:45

That is just mean beyond words. It's with all the above.

You are the adult, he's only 10 going to be 11. You have an easy " get out" - use it.

2 possibilities I can see- just forgive him, tell him you were very very upset by his behaviour and over reacted, and this time, you are wiping the slate clean. Or, catch him being good- doing something " ordinary" but the right thing- eg packed his school stuff on time, stripped his bed after being aked once etc and cancel the punishment because of that.

As long as he's a generally good kid and is always having big hard punishments retracting this one isn't going o mean he will think you " don't mean it" re punishment generally.

belgo · 30/10/2011 10:45

I would be less concerned about the use of the swearword and more concerned about what he wrote about the other child - what exactly did he write? Did he show it to his classmates? Could it be construed as bullying behaviour? If so, you are doing the right thing by delaying his birthday celebrations.

GalaxyWeaver · 30/10/2011 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MangoMonster · 30/10/2011 10:45

Most 11 yr olds swear when talking or writing to each other on occasion. He didn't swear at you? I think it's a harsh pusnishment for using that language with his friends. Overreacting will make him lose respect for you even more. If he actually swore at you, it would be a different matter.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2011 10:46

x-posted with tyler

MoaninMinny · 30/10/2011 10:46

way too harsh

surely saying 'we dont use those words in this house' is enough

mine are in their 20s but i found saying the above ^^ was sufficient . i dont tolerate swearing

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 30/10/2011 10:46

ilove - what exactly did he write about this other child?

screamingbohemian · 30/10/2011 10:47

It's just a word

He's going to do so much worse in his teen years, you can't use such a big punishment now, over this.

squeakyfreakytoy · 30/10/2011 10:47

I agree with GW, and everyone else who has said it is OTT.

Kids swear. Usually out of earshot of their parents.

If he had sworn AT you, then I would think differently, and maybe say it was a justifiable punishment, but he didnt.

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