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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to tell DS we won't be celebrating his birthday tomorrow because of his use of the F word?

193 replies

ilovetomandjerry · 30/10/2011 10:32

Birthday tomorrow, but has done an activity yesterday with friends, dinner out and sleepover.

Used the F word this morning when his friends were still here and also found he had used it in writing something not very nice about a boy at school.

So DH and I have told him that tomorrow he will not be getting presents and cards - if he behaves for the week he can have them Fri.

Are we being too harsh?

OP posts:

CheeseyZitLover · 30/10/2011 11:06

Yabu, he is 11 not a baby anymore. Kids that age swear, he didn't swear in front of you, you probably weren't supposed to hear it.

Give him lines or something but for gawds sake don't cancel his birthday.

BOOareHaunting · 30/10/2011 11:06

Whats the difference between withdrawing something the child has (wii/xbox etc) and withdrawing something they will get?

The only issue I have is that he got the punishment straightaway without a warning. If he's done it before and knew he would get punished then tuff - he got was was promised!

With regards the comments about the other child - you need the full story before punishing him IMO.

Can you not still celebrate his birthday, give him a few gifts and withhold the main gift (if you do one). He doesn't need to know this, and when you feel he's earnt it give it to him saying it would have been for his birthday but due to his behaviour you held it back, but you feel he should now be rewarded for behaving in an appropriate manner.

I do agree the odd 'fuck' slipping out with friends is probably normal but it sounds like this behaviour has been going on for a while and this wasn't a one off?

Belmo · 30/10/2011 11:06

I think that is really harsh - he'll never forget you cancelled his birthday, but you can't possibly expect him never to swear again - and what will you use as a punishment next time?
DP's 12th birthday was cancelled for stealing (out the shop, on his birthday, which I don't think was too unreasonable and he never did it again) and he still remembers it with horror.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2011 11:06

Dolly... Just a question but what's the difference? You have that word in your name here... it obviously doesn't bother you. Do you use that word at home?

I've often wondered where the lines are drawn... I mean, if you swear then you swear and as much as people think they don't swear in front of children, how can they not when it's a habit?

4madboys · 30/10/2011 11:07

wonders what primary school fishfingersandcustard went to as they certainly do swear at my boys primary and its a 'nice middle class catchement area' one as well. the little ones dont but once they are in yr 5/6 yes they swear and if they get heard by a teacher they get told off, ditto if i hear my kids swear they get told off, but i am not naive enough to think that they dont/wont swear.

GalaxyWeaver · 30/10/2011 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DollyTwat · 30/10/2011 11:11

Lying I don't swear in front of my kids, I might swear on here with adults. I consider my 9 year old swearing at me very disrespectful.

The incident I mentioned was an awful lot worse than I've described, he was pushing my buttons til he got a reaction. I have talked to him and we try to handle it differently and it's working so far.
In my defence I had worked a 40 hr week, was tired and he was being dreadful.

lollilou · 30/10/2011 11:11

I think very few of us think that a 10 year old saying that is normal. Pretty much all the posts say he should be punished but taking away a birthday is way too harsh.

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2011 11:11

I'm old, and I learnt every swear word I know from the boy who sat behind me in primary school.
However, I was bright enough to never use them in public or at home. I just stored them away for future use...
[hgrin]

pozzled · 30/10/2011 11:12

Cancelling a birthday is way OTT and doesn't fit his behaviour. I would tell him that you were wrong to react so harshly, that you were angry but have since had time to reconsider.

I would however be very concerned about his writing nasty things about someone else. Did the other child know or was it someone who wasn't around at the time? I'd be having very serious words about that aspect of it and if the other child does know I would insist on an apology. I'd also make it clear that if it happened again there would be serious consequences.

fishfingersandcustard · 30/10/2011 11:12

4madboys I'm definitely having my eyes opened.

I went to two really normal village primary schools, not even ones in a middle class area. I've also done quite a bit of volunteer work with Brownies and Rainbows and I can genuinely say I've never heard a child swear!

worraliberty · 30/10/2011 11:14

Another one who thinks you're being OTT here

And I'm very strict about swearing

yousankmybattleship · 30/10/2011 11:15

You were definitely over the top, but I think you know that. Talk to him about why you were so upset and tell him you made a mistake in threatening such a harsh punishment. It is good for children to know we make mistakes too. You could say that if he ever does it again that will be end of friends coming over. Enjoy his birthday!

Birdsgottafly · 30/10/2011 11:16

"Whats the difference between withdrawing something the child has (wii/xbox etc) and withdrawing something they will get?"

Birthdays aren't earned, they happen because we care about celebrating the fact that someone was born. It is completely different withdrawing treats than cancelling celebrating (you cannot cancel a birthday, it is when it is).

What the OP is saying is that the celebrating of her DS's birthday is conditional. There are events/times that should not have conditions put on them, especially as now is the time to lay the groundwork of respect for when full teenagehood hits.

slavetofilofax · 30/10/2011 11:17

YABVU.

The punishment does not fit the crime.

Retract what you said, and use it to aid a discussion about how adults can make mistakes too, especially when they are very angry. And that his swearing is something that makes you very angry, so he needs to not do it in front of you.

But you need to pick your battles. Otherwise you are giving him too much to rebel against and you are setting yourself up for years of heartache.

stripeybumpinthenight · 30/10/2011 11:19

I disagree with Hecate

Misschief101 · 30/10/2011 11:21

fishfingersandcustard I'd be horrified if I heard a child swear let alone my own. I used to get washing up liquid and had to hold it for 5 mins when I was a child. Anyway I agree with the OP but only if what has been written is borderline bullying etc.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 30/10/2011 11:22

Unless he swore at you this is a complete over-reaction to something that could have easily been handled by saying 'Excuse me - you know better than to use that word in front of an adult'.

If, as you say, you are fed up with his behaviour/attitude in general then you need to find a way to deal with that. You can't 'lump' it all in together and cancel his birthday. Same with whatever he wrote about the other child.

Cancelling a 10/11 year olds actual birthday is just downright mean, even worse than cancelling a party - they'd have to be wayyyyyyyyyy out of line for me to even consider it.

DodieSmith · 30/10/2011 11:24

YABU

ImperialBlether · 30/10/2011 11:25

Hold the washing up liquid? Do you mean you had it in your mouth or did you just have to hold the bottle?

slapmeonthepatio · 30/10/2011 11:27

I went to a very nice, independent primary school. We didn't swear - fear of headmistress. I went to a not very nice secondary school. Most of the kids did swear. I didn't really, though. It wasn't until I went to Uni that I adopted the habit .

I think the power of the F word has diminished quite a bit in recent years. I think lots of us have become desensitised to it, through more common use. I mean, when I was growing up (and I mean in my teens, here) my tv viewing wasn't censored by my parents, but the F word wasn't used so much on tv, that I remember anyway. It is now.

I think it's not the word it once was, so maybe this explains a bit why children think it's not such a bad word. Having said that, I don't like to hear children saying it. DD1 said 'F it' quite a lot when she was a toddler. DH asked what she said, she repeated it and said, 'I dropped it. F it!'. I blame her father .

usualsuspect · 30/10/2011 11:27

You had to have washing up liquid in your mouth for 5 minutes

and you think thats ok?

unhappychanger · 30/10/2011 11:29

Its the unfairness thats the problem here.. you only get one birthday every year which is basically celebrating that child being born and its very sad to ruin that as it is unloving.
The best thing to do is tell him how close he has come to that and say you will celebrate the day because you love him and you expect him to enjoy the day too behaving well.
I know how you feel that he maybe doesn't deserve the material things[ as opposed to the cards and happy day] so you could review what he is having and make sure it is not ott, if so, keep some back for Christmas.

ImperialBlether · 30/10/2011 11:34

Of course I don't, usualsuspect, that's why I was asking. You weren't clear in your post.

TBH I think it's a disgusting punishment.

noddyholder · 30/10/2011 11:35

Too harsh.

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