... to tell DS we won't be celebrating his birthday tomorrow because of his use of the F word?

[ilovetomandjerry]

Birthday tomorrow, but has done an activity yesterday with friends, dinner out and sleepover.

Used the F word this morning when his friends were still here and also found he had used it in writing something not very nice about a boy at school.

So DH and I have told him that tomorrow he will not be getting presents and cards - if he behaves for the week he can have them Fri.

Are we being too harsh?

Fuck

oops no birthday presents

Fuck

there goes christmas

Do you really think your reaction was reasonable OP?

Yes!
Did you really think that he doesn't swear in the playground?

My ds is 10 and I am under no illusion that he swears at school but if he did it in my ear shot I'd punish him just like I would expect his teacher to.

I would punish him but cancelling his birthday is not an appropriate one.

For fuck's sake, it's only a word! You are seriously going to punish him by banning his birthday for saying a word you don't like??
Get a fucking grip.
No pressies for me

Please show this thread to your husband BTW, because the decision was taken by both of you.

I am surprised that people don't think this is a problem.

If my child had written mean things about another child, using offensive language, I would consider that bullying and deserving of a huge punishment.

But we're only guessing what was written, because OP hasn't actually told us yet, has she?

exactly Hecate.

But we dont know what was written. It could have been a childish joke... no mention of bullying at all.

Hecate, we don't know what he wrote yet. Using a swear word when talking about someone isn't really bullying necessarily. Have to wait and see what the OP comes back with.

Oh wow. I think you were way, way OTT there OP.

I'm with everyone else, it's way over the top.

I had a mother who did this sort of thing. I'm 52 and haven't forgotten any of the unjust and unreasonable punishments. Is that what you want, a child who barely bothers with you when he's an adult?

Hecate nobody said it wasn't a problem, but everybody has said she needs to find a more suitable punishment.

An adult who cancels a child's birthday is actually behaving in a much worse and more spiteful way than a 10 year old child who swears, even about another child.

What did he write about the other child? My decision will be based on what he said about the child was it bullying material?

It sounds like you are out of control and are bargaining to get him to behave better during the week until his postponed birthday that won't be.
YABTU
Explain you are not happy with recent behaviour, be specific.
Punish him today in terms of extra chores, no TV.
Ask for apology. Tell him what you would like him to be like behaviour wise.
Then DO NOT MENTION IT TOMORROW AND CELEBRATE HIS BIRTHDAY PROPERLY.
It is totally desperate to threaten cancelling birthday and shows him you are mean and have totally lost the plot.

Op my ds1 aged 9 swore at me the other day, he was really awful in fact for over an hour. In that time I confiscated all his things, cancelled his birthday, Xmas, everything. Then sat and cried
Next day I told him I'd got it wrong and had gone too far. However he had to choose between being grounded or lose his pocket money for his behavior. It doesn't hurt to say you were ott. But find a punishment that you both feel fits and hurts him a bit.

I don't think your views are unreasonable, but your punishment may be a bit harsh. Could you not just delay his presents till the end on the day. I am not naive to think that my DC (17 and 19) don't swear but would not be impressed to hear to them and they know it! I maybe old fashioned but I don't think there is any necessity for children aged 10 to use swear words at all, especially the word discussed here. The majority of the posters seem to think it is OK to swear, sorry but I am part of the minority and don't think it is necessary.

Did he call you a twat Dolly?

I would also look at the friendships that he has, he is approaching the teenage years and may be fighting his place with his peers. Punishment will not stop bad behaviour as effectively as talking through it and helping him to understand why the behavour is wrong.

OP, you are in danger of creating is an angry/resentful teenage boy.

Really think the others are right - you went way too far. I remember my mum permanently using anything nice as a way of getting me to do what she wanted and I really disliked her for it - it doesnt work as a discipline method particularly - a childs birthday is not a bargaining tool for bad behaviour but your problem is definitely going to be turning it around without looking weak now. Woops.

I'm really shocked that most of you seem to think a 10 year old swearing is normal. I am in no way ancient and old-fashioned in fact I only left school a few years ago and this was never the case. I can't recall anyone ever swearing at primary school.

If I'd said that word in hearing of my parents at any age let alone 10, I can't imagine how much trouble I would have been in.

YANBU to punish him and depending on what was in the comment to his friend, this might be the most appropriate. However, if it wasn't bullying, I might rethink cancelling his birthday but a serious talk followed by a different punishment might be best.

Lol he did actually! He didn't know it wasn't the same as a twit.

I think the op knows she's been ott, we all do it sometimes. It's how you recover from it that makes the difference. My ds knew I wouldn't really cancel his birthday or Xmas. He knew I WOULD ground him though.