to be upset with my DD for prioritising time with her boyfriend over family?

[carissasteel]

My 18 year old DD1 is away at university overseas. She has just finished her first term and is coming home for the Xmas holidays. She has a 21 year old boyfriend who lives here (but a few hours away) that she's been in a relationship with for almost a year (and obviously doing long distance the past few months - he is a nice boy).

My family and I (three younger siblings, DH) are currently living with my DH's parents for various reasons. Our own house is left unused. DD1 has asked if, when she's back, she and her boyfriend can stay there on weekends (it is a nice house and we live in a 'happening' city). I have said no because I don't like the idea of her and her boyfriend staying there. Also, her traditional grandparents would want to know where she is staying on the weekends and I would have to make up excuses for her. She has calmly said, "Ok, but this means that I will be going to my boyfriend's during the week and only returning home on weekends." (Why can she not go to her boyfriend's on weekends - he lives in a quiet place and I know she would prefer to be in the city, with all her friends, where it is 'happening' on the weekends)

AIBU to be bloody furious about this?! She studies so far away as it is, and I feel it's very selfish of her to want to spend so much time away from her family. I know there is nothing I can realistically do to stop her, but it's so infuriating as it means she will be spending more time with him than with us. She knows I'm not happy and I still think she is too young to be effectively living with someone like this. I know I will come across as old fashioned and there's not much I can do.. But I'm annoyed that she's sort of dictating the way things are going to be.. After all, we are still providing for her financially. And I just feel like it's going to spoil Xmas. So, AIBU?

Thank you for all your opinions :)

This is the kind of thing my parents would have said.

We have been no contact for 5 years. I did not invite them to our wedding.

She has to be allowed to grow up. This is part of it.

Interesting thread.
It started off with a lot of people telling OP that if she smothered her DD then she wouldn't see DD for dust.
Perhaps OP should take heart from this and start applying it to PIL. Would PIL really like loadsamoney and a big house but no family to share it with? That would be a hollow 'victory' for their moral code.
OP: move out, get a smaller house, use the original house (rental income or release the capital) to pay for education and regain control of your own life. All three generations need to have a healthy distance between them to enable their relationships to survive.

I think a lot depends on who's idea it was for her to have this massively expensive education abroad. If it was her's then she needs to accept that this comes with some strings, and I see nothing wrong with that.

I don't accept the idea that just because she is 18 she can do as she likes. If she is financially independent yes, otherwise no.

If it was your idea, or your PILs then that is a different situation.

Is there some reason why you can't sell your house to buy a smaller one?

YABU and very mean not to let her stay in the house, imo.

It doesn't matter whether she is financially dependent on you or not - and that should certainly not be used as leverage for you to get your own way with what you want her to do.

My parents, who are of the toxic variety have used me to feel better about themselves throughout their lives and mine and tried to manipulate what I do via threats, manipulation and money. I do not have a good relationship with them.

It is not your dd's responsibility to make your life better. She is entitled to spend her time how she wants to and a good parent will support this, not begrudge and find ways to punish it.

I am sorry if that sounds harsh.

That doesn't sound harsh - it sounds as if you expect parents to bend over backwards to accommodate all of their adult children's wishes.

The OP has said she doesn't want her DD and boyfriend staying in her house on their own in the holidays. She is fully entitled to say yes or no to the original request. She has chosen to say no. The DD does not have a right to stay in the house with her boyfriend!

Talk about making life hard for yourself! Just because people are old and have fixed views it doesn't make them either correct or unchallengeable. Your Pils need to open there eyes and become more accepting of life in 2011, your daughter won't have much respect for you if you let your Pils boss you around. You're caught between a rock and hard place but you owe your daughter a future you don't owe your pils anything except rent.

I did not say she has a right to stay in the house, I said I thought it was mean if the OP was saying she couldn't stay there as a punishment for not doing wat she wants.

I don't think the OP did say that - she said that she didn't like the idea of them effectively living together. Seems reasonable to me.

The inlaws thing - well, that's another issue.

What a very intricately difficult situation: my tuppence worth is:

(a) You say you are your daughter's confidante of the family. Well, as she is a sexually-active independent adult, you must confide in her. Tell her exactly what strings £120,000 of university fees come with. And how your MIL treats you, and how her father keeps himself out of the situation. Just confide in her, honestly, and say 'dd, what do you think WE should do about this?' Let her think about solutions - the very act will be teaching her something about real life.

(b) Make the time to similarly confide in your DH.

You are a family unit and you should not carry the burden on being the sole mediator in this. You have two adults to share it with - your husband and your grown-up (albeit still growing, I am sure) daughter.

Good luck.

I've been thinking about this a lot carissa and I do think your dh is getting off very lightly. He has regressed to behaving like a child in wanting his parents to take over the role of parenting his child. Sounds like life with the ILs is very cosy for him, but far less so for you. For the sake of your marriage, as well as all the other good reasons, it's time to move out of their house and re establish your own independent family life.

Consensus seems to be that I talk to my DH, DDand move out of my ILs! Realistically I know everyone is right, but it is so hard as everyone except me and DD are perfectly happy living there (my younger ones adore living with GPs) and it IS nice not to have to worry about leaving the kids in the afternoon.

Spoke to my DD on the phone today. Her main concern was that she's had so much freedom at uni and while she doesn't expect the same level back at home she doesn't want to regress back to being a 12 year old. I told her this is perfectly reasonable but I still don't want her staying at our house at the weekends. Reasons for this are varied: 1) I don't see why, as someone else said, I should provide a shag pad for my daughter 2) prospective tenants might come to view the house at weekends, don't trust DD to keep it tidy and 3) DH and I might like to host a dinner party there sometime this winter (no drinking at ILs!)

Do these reasons sound fair?

This thread has really made me realize the extent of the difficult situation with ILs (thanks ladies!) and how it's affected me. I am very grateful to them for everything they've done, but realize that I have let MIL parent DD with old fashioned values that neither she nor I share (and as she is the only girl she suffers more - her brothers seem to get away with far less criticism). I will raise the issue with DH soon. I expect all hell will break loose when I tell MIL we plan to move out!

Regarding issue of being financially dependent, I do think that until you are independent in every way, DD should understand there are certain obligations that come with that. Still don't think she fully understands the enormity of the cost of attending a horrendously expensive Ivy League school (but as it has always been her dream to do so, we bent over backwards to make that happen)

Thanks for all your perspectives!

Hi haven't read all the post just scanned them, but at 18 my DP and I had been together about year and I would whilst I did spend time at home I did tend to want to see my boyfriend as he was and still is the love of my life.

I think cut her some slack, Im sure she is a sensible girl and by making things more difficult for her will make her want her boyfriend more.

Just read your last post, I think if she doesn't already in time she will understand how lucky she has been that you have sent her to an Ivy League school. Im sure it will work out.

Really glad that you have spoken to her. Fwiw, I do think your reasons for not letting her use the house are fair enough, because they are your reasons. It is your house, so even if other people (like me, for example) would be happy enough to let her, if you (rather than mil) are not comfortable with it, then that's entirely reasonable. Your dd must understand that and when she has a house of her own, she will get to set the rules.

I think your younger children will be happy living just with you and dh and spending lots of time with the grand parents. Even if they would prefer to stay put, it is not in the best long term interests of your family. Staying with ILs is damaging your family - your youngest dc are too little to understand, so you must decide on the best course of action for your family, even if they don't appreciate it at the time. That goes for your dh too!

Carissa, you sound like a lovely mum. What you have said is very fair and sounds like dd and you are on your way to finding an acceptable solution for all.

You had mentioned earlier that in- laws have an eight bedroom house. Is it possible to divide the house into two homes so your family has one independent part? You could pay some rent to them and get your freedom while not causing too much disruption all around.

"1) I don't see why, as someone else said, I should provide a shag pad for my daughter"

No, that doesn't sound a fair or very nice thing to say.

YABVU I'm afraid.

She's an adult now. You can't hold the "I'm paying the bills" over her head- that is so childish as to be barely credible.

Manage this on an adult to adult footing. She is doing this as far as I can see, offering you a very reasonable "I'd like to see him at weekends but I'll be here in the week" . You are responding as the child in the relationship with a foot stamping "it's not fair" .

Negotiate and you'll have her (and possibly him) with you for Xmas. Put your foot down stroppily and Xmas will be "ruined" either because she's not there or she's there unwillingly.

I think the "if you love something set it free and it will return to you" holds good here. Treat her as an equal and she'll still want to see you. Boss her about and she wont.

(my DD is in her 1st term at uni and we are encouraging her to use her 1 free weekend to go see her school friends not come home to us- 1 free weekend is all she'll get and it's precious, we know she'll be back home soon enough anyway. It's not that we don't miss her every day, but we know growing up and growing away from her mum and dad a bit is what is the right thing to happen)