Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with my DD for prioritising time with her boyfriend over family?

167 replies

carissasteel · 28/10/2011 03:14

My 18 year old DD1 is away at university overseas. She has just finished her first term and is coming home for the Xmas holidays. She has a 21 year old boyfriend who lives here (but a few hours away) that she's been in a relationship with for almost a year (and obviously doing long distance the past few months - he is a nice boy).

My family and I (three younger siblings, DH) are currently living with my DH's parents for various reasons. Our own house is left unused. DD1 has asked if, when she's back, she and her boyfriend can stay there on weekends (it is a nice house and we live in a 'happening' city). I have said no because I don't like the idea of her and her boyfriend staying there. Also, her traditional grandparents would want to know where she is staying on the weekends and I would have to make up excuses for her. She has calmly said, "Ok, but this means that I will be going to my boyfriend's during the week and only returning home on weekends." (Why can she not go to her boyfriend's on weekends - he lives in a quiet place and I know she would prefer to be in the city, with all her friends, where it is 'happening' on the weekends)

AIBU to be bloody furious about this?! She studies so far away as it is, and I feel it's very selfish of her to want to spend so much time away from her family. I know there is nothing I can realistically do to stop her, but it's so infuriating as it means she will be spending more time with him than with us. She knows I'm not happy and I still think she is too young to be effectively living with someone like this. I know I will come across as old fashioned and there's not much I can do.. But I'm annoyed that she's sort of dictating the way things are going to be.. After all, we are still providing for her financially. And I just feel like it's going to spoil Xmas. So, AIBU?

Thank you for all your opinions :)

OP posts:
DirtyBat · 28/10/2011 10:21

YANBU to hope that she will spend some time with you but YABU to dictate to her how she does spend her time at home.

I think you will find that if she lives with you the whole time the house will suddenly feel very small and you will irritate each other - she's been living without you for 3 months, it will be different.

From experience you will enjoy it much more if you see each other through choice rather than seeing each other every day because you have to.

Let her enjoy her holiday as she wants to - you will still get to spend time with her. Enjoy it :)

EllaDee · 28/10/2011 10:31

Your reaction is natural, but it's not on. Your DD offered a good compromise and she is an adult.

I would say the important thing here is that you show your DD you're supportive of her as an adult. You have to some extent to step back when she does something you'd prefer she didn't do. In all likelihood, by next year, the excitement of being a grown up with a grown up relationship will have waned a bit, and family time will seem much more attractive! What I'm saying is, you sound as if you're worried this is a change you're not ready for yet, but it's probably not a permanent change at all.

It is even quite possible that the relationship - even if it's lasted a year - will all look different when they're away from university. Who knows? Christmas can make a relationship founder at any age and she is only 18. So she may also need to feel you supported her fully, so that if/when this comes to its end (as most 18-year-old relationships do), she'll feel able to come to you for a bit of a weep.

PS - not that you would be like this I'm sure, but take a warning from my mum, who when I (happily married, thanks) said I thought I was pregnant, received the disgusted reply 'oh, no! You have no idea how hard a baby is and you're far to young'. Sad It can really wreck your relationship if your parents can't accept you as an adult. Even if they're right!

MoaninMinny · 28/10/2011 10:37

she is an adult, she lives her own life

when i was 18 i would rather have spent time with my boyfriend than be nagged to death about "my duties and obligations"

scaryteacher · 28/10/2011 10:56

From a practical point of view - would this help with the safety of your house if she was there all the time? I know that house insurance becomes invalid if a place is empty for more than about 28 days; so letting her use the house during the week and weekends may help you out.

I can see both sides - my parents reaction would have been much the same as yours, and I would not have been given the option to live anywhere other than at home during holidays; and my dad was very much of the 'he who pays the piper calls the tune' school of thought. However, if you are living with gps there may be issues of room sharing/space etc, and she may feel that she will be stifled and restricted as to her coming s and goings.

It is probably more difficult because she is your eldest - my db always got away with more than me, as he was male and younger, but if she is old enough to study abroad, then yab a bit u about her using your house.

DownbytheRiverside · 28/10/2011 10:59

Anyone else remember how intoxicating it was to be old enough to look at a ranting, frothing parent and calmly say 'no thank you, I choose not to'
Nothing quite like being independent.

flatbread · 28/10/2011 11:59

Carissa,

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Especially if your daughter is studying in the US, it is a lot of money.

Can understand your daughter's perspective, but the whole family obligation thing is not a one way stream. She is old enough now to understand your needs and be considerate towards you and her younger siblings.

I was in your daugter's position, but a bit older when I went to study in the US. I went on a scholarship, so no family support required, and paid for my ticket home every year and stayed with my parents. They expected it and I did it because they are family. My now DH was in a smiler situation He would go home every Christmas and summer hols and stay with his parents and work to pay for university, as he didn't have a scholarship.

I think it ok to expect her to pitch in fully and be with the family over the holidays. She may not like it, but such is life.

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 28/10/2011 12:03

But she did want to be with family over the holidays! Her mother said no!

flatbread · 28/10/2011 12:11

From what I understand,

mum said "stay with us"
daughter said "no, I will stay in unused house with bf"
mum said "no way jose, what will gp think"
daughter said "will stay with bf at his place then, see ya on weekends"

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 28/10/2011 12:14

No! The daughter wanted to stay in her parents empty house with her boyfriend on weekends

'DD1 has asked if, when she's back, she and her boyfriend can stay there on weekends'

ggirl · 28/10/2011 12:21

I understand how you feel OP
But you can't dictate where she spends her time..you'll drive her away if you do.
Also it's you that's worried about what the GP's think , I think you need to face up to the fact that they're gonna know she's sleeping with her bf. They may not turn out to be as opposed to it as you think.
My dd started uni this yr and will also be home for xmas. I know she'll be wanting to spend most of her holiday with her mates , it's completely normal and healthy. I would be more worried the other way round.

flatbread · 28/10/2011 12:27

Oops, puffin, missed that bit.

Is daughter trying to 'punish' mum, by saying she will go and stay with bf and only see the family on weekends?

Also, why can't bf pay for a hotel or something to come and meet dd over the weekend?

Think it is reasonable to expect your 18 year old to spend their Christmas break with you. Especially when you are paying for their university education and presumably paying for the flight home. You don't have to provide a free shag pad as well.

When I look back, I am pretty sure all my classmates went home to family/extended family over the Christmas hols. I don't recall anyone staying with a bf instead of family.

DownbytheRiverside · 28/10/2011 12:35

I know a lot who didn't and don't go home flatbread. Precisely because they had escaped that level of control and unreasonable behaviour and didn't choose to go back to it without adaptation and reasonable accommodation on both sides.
Like the educational support with strings attached, not just academic success required but obedience to family rules?
Did you make it clear to your DD at the beginning OP?
How much financial backing are you giving her, or is she working as well?
Why don't you want to compromise?

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 28/10/2011 12:37

Her mother wants her to go and stay at her boyfriend's at the weekends.

flatbread · 28/10/2011 12:43

Riverside,

I don't know how controlling OP is with her daughter in general. But with regard to christhmas holidays, I don't she is being unreasonable. I mean, now parents have to provide a free weekend shag retreat to entice their children to spend Christmas holidays with them?

Maybe things have changed a lot since the 10 years or so since I was in university. But I honestly don't know anyone who felt it was 'controlling' of their parents to expect them to spend Christmas hols at home.

DownbytheRiverside · 28/10/2011 12:48

Well, no doubt the OP and her DD will come to some sort of an arrangement with or without resentment. It will give the daughter something to grumble about with her friends, and something for her mother to complain about too.
Sounds like typical family negotiations with menaces to me.
Hardly a big trauma. I stayed away from my very religious family for several years, relished the breathing space.

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 28/10/2011 12:49

Her boyfriend is 21 so presumably has work committments. She studies out of the country. She will only be in the country for the duration of the holidays. She was still opting to spend 5 days with her family and 2 with her BF.

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo · 28/10/2011 12:55

the tighter you hold them the harder the fight to get free and the further they fly when they do.

DownbytheRiverside · 28/10/2011 13:10

'He who binds himself to joy
doth the winged life destroy
but he who kisses the joy as it flies
lives in eternity's sunrise'

William Blake

LeBOOOf · 28/10/2011 13:11

Do you think the OP will come back, thank flatbread for her constructive comments and tell the rest of us we are bullying bitches and this isn't the board for her? Grin It has been known...

Carissa, I do hope you come back, and see that people are trying to help and understand.

flatbread · 28/10/2011 13:17

Riverside, that is beautiful, and true.

But to be fair to OP, she is letting her baby fly the nest. She is paying for dd to attend a university abroad. So in the things that really impact dd's future, she is not being controlling at all! Quite the reverse.

flatbread · 28/10/2011 13:17

LeBooof :)

Original poster
carissasteel · 28/10/2011 13:52

Hello everyone. Thank you for all your replies.

Having slept on it, I agree that I may have come across as extremely controlling. I agree with most of you that the financial thing isn't really an issue. It's just that I've always thought that until I was fully independent and paying for myself, that I would listen to my parents' wishes? I don't know.

DD1 has also been living at grandparents' house for about a year before even leaving university. Why are we there - that is a whole other thread, but suffice to say, we all find it suffocating (it is an 8 bedroomed house, she has her own room, but still). Over the summer before she left for uni she was starting to go stay with her boyfriend more on weekends (he does have work commitments) and this put a strain on my relationship with my in laws who were constantly asking why she was out all night "with friends". My MIL in particular can be quite horrible, criticising my parenting and criticising DD1 if she dared return home past 10pm, so in the end she'd rather just stay out all night. I KNOW the grandparents situation isn't ideal but not much I can do at the moment. MIL can be nasty but as she and FIL are helping contribute to DD1's fees as well as DD2's boarding school fees, we must just be grateful and suck it up.

I know she is an adult, I know she is mature, especially to be at uni abroad, and I know she thinks she is very much in love. It's just there was enough stress over the summer, and I don't want this to continue. Also, yes, I've missed my daughter terribly the last few months, she is very far away, and I would like to feel that we are still family for a little while longer. But I accept that I may have to let go sooner than I'd liked.

Thank you everyone for your help. Really do appreciate it.

OP posts:
burningcandles · 28/10/2011 13:55

yabu.

burningcandles · 28/10/2011 13:56

woops, sorry - I didn't read the end. glad you are sorted.

DownbytheRiverside · 28/10/2011 13:58

'MIL can be nasty but as she and FIL are helping contribute to DD1's fees as well as DD2's boarding school fees, we must just be grateful and suck it up.'

What a horrible situation to be in. But now it makes sense that you feel that your DD should do the same, because it is what you are doing. Sad
I hope you can work something out, and that your DD retains some respect for you.