to be upset with my DD for prioritising time with her boyfriend over family?

[carissasteel]

My 18 year old DD1 is away at university overseas. She has just finished her first term and is coming home for the Xmas holidays. She has a 21 year old boyfriend who lives here (but a few hours away) that she's been in a relationship with for almost a year (and obviously doing long distance the past few months - he is a nice boy).

My family and I (three younger siblings, DH) are currently living with my DH's parents for various reasons. Our own house is left unused. DD1 has asked if, when she's back, she and her boyfriend can stay there on weekends (it is a nice house and we live in a 'happening' city). I have said no because I don't like the idea of her and her boyfriend staying there. Also, her traditional grandparents would want to know where she is staying on the weekends and I would have to make up excuses for her. She has calmly said, "Ok, but this means that I will be going to my boyfriend's during the week and only returning home on weekends." (Why can she not go to her boyfriend's on weekends - he lives in a quiet place and I know she would prefer to be in the city, with all her friends, where it is 'happening' on the weekends)

AIBU to be bloody furious about this?! She studies so far away as it is, and I feel it's very selfish of her to want to spend so much time away from her family. I know there is nothing I can realistically do to stop her, but it's so infuriating as it means she will be spending more time with him than with us. She knows I'm not happy and I still think she is too young to be effectively living with someone like this. I know I will come across as old fashioned and there's not much I can do.. But I'm annoyed that she's sort of dictating the way things are going to be.. After all, we are still providing for her financially. And I just feel like it's going to spoil Xmas. So, AIBU?

Thank you for all your opinions :)

yabvu

not sure wy she cant stay at your house - unless there are safety reasons - like is there building work or something? if its just becuase you dont like the idea of them sleeping together - that is ridiculous.

i dont think the fact that you are providing for her financially should come into it at all

i am paying for you therefore you should love me more? i know you dont mean this.

is it right that you should be upset at the realisation that as mum you are no longer the centre of her universe? YES thats perfectly fine, its heartbreaking.

I still remember what it was like to be 18, in love, used to doing what I wanted at school and then having to come home for the holidays. It was brutal, tbh. I can see where you may not be crazy about the idea of her staying with her boyfriend over the weekend but it's much better than not seeing her for the whole week.

Your DD is 18, an adult. You really can't dictate how she spends her time despite the fact you a financially providing for her.

Yabvvu, at what age is old enough to be "effectively living with someone?

She has been with this boy for a year, it's not line it's been 6 weeks. Your daughter is an adult now and she is entitled to spend her time as she pleases. However, FWIW, I am sure I will probably feel as you do when my daughter is 18. However, I will try to keep it to myself.

Do you not remember being young and in love?

Your help financially is not a factor in this.

Agree with other posters that YABU. At 18 she can effectively live with who she wants, and if your house is empty, subject to no mad house parties why can she not stay in it. She made a request which you said no to, so she's made alternative arrangements. If traditional grandparents are interested be honest, things have moved on and she is an adult, and maybe likely to move in with someone before marriage so DGP's will still have to deal with it then.

I would suggest that in temper you don't mention "we support you financially etc, so you do as you're told etc" you could potentially do some serious damage, and remembering what I was like at that age, I would be saying you could stuff your support.

Sorry it's so tough for you, you little girl has grown up and that's really difficult to come to terms with (I'm not sure my mum has and I'm 28 and married).

If worried about Xmas, try to establish early what the plan is, maybe invite BF over?

It seems to me that she proposed a totally reasonable arrangement in the first place. Why not just tell her GPs that she is staying at your house in the city so she can catch up with friends at the weekends - not exactly a lie and everyone's happy.
Is there any other reason you don't want her staying there?

At the moment you are on course for a miserable Christmas and alientaing our daughter. Keep it up and she won't come home for Christmas next time.

Have you forgotten what 18 felt like?

YABU.

Well... honestly... I'm going to buck the trend here and say I don't think you're being all that unreasonable. And I think the fact that you're supporting her does factor into it. I'll probably get flamed right along with you but hey ...

I see where you're coming from. If she were completely self-supporting, she would be entitled to tell you "this is what I'm planning to do, like it or lump it", but given that she's still dependent on you, even though she's legally an adult, she could be making a bit more of an effort to spend time with you. You pay for her to study, you miss her - it would be nice if she could bring herself to see her family as important too.

I do remember being 18 and in love and neglecting my family while home from uni. I also remember my then-bf turning out to be a shitheel (several times) and wishing I'd spent that time with my family who really missed me (god knows why) and whom I really missed. In retrospect it seemed to me then (and still does now) that I did badly by my family who financially supported me, dumping them for whatever loser guy I was seeing.

Flame away now.

Oh dear OP. Of course you are upset that your little girl is growing up and away. I think you need to try and see this for the positive thing it is - she can't be a child for ever and you wouldn't want her to be. You have done your job of raising a child and now in return you get a beautiful, confident, independent young woman in your life. How lovely that her first thought was a compromise that meant she could see her family as well as her boyfriend, and what a shame you said no. Is there anyway you could re-think that? She might be feeling pretty hurt and rejected that you'd rather only see her at weekends than compromise.

yabu to be furious, yanbu to be disappointed & I think you'd get further with her if you told her you were sad not mad. You need to let go or tell her bluntly that the financial support comes with "strings".

I'm not flaming...just giving my opinion.

Money issue
The fact that you choose to finance your child through uni is great (*) but does not allow you to dictate what she does with her free time

() It's great because you are enabling her to get a qualification which may set her up for life.
() I guess it depends on the level of finance -over and above normal rent etc and you could say it comes with strings

How would you feel if she refused your money in favour of her freedom?

Grandparents
her traditional grandparents would want to know where she is staying on the weekends and I would have to make up excuses for her Don't ? Be honest. It's not a reflection on your 'morals' so just be honest. If the GP's have anything to say, tell them to say it to her. Don't take on responsibility for either sides issues. You don't have to choose to be in the middle and both sides are adults.

Sleeping together
By lending them the house you are not facilitating it. They are doing it anyway. They are young and in love. It's an all consuming emotion at that age.

Your feelings
I am genuinely sorry for you. I had the same with D1 when she started uni. I was discarded like an old toy. I felt that I had poured love into her and she waltzed off to her new life telling all and sundry how she couldn't get away fast enough. I let her go but grieved. Well... she has drifted back. She has realised that new life is exciting but also a bit tough and stressful at times. I started getting phone calls and then cards and then visits ... she now appreciates me far more than she ever did before.

Let her go. If you try and enforce your wishes, she will not thank you but resent you. It could take a long time to get past that emotion.

Sit down with her and apologise for any previous conversations and your 'fury'. Tell her it's because you love and miss her. Then accept she's an adult and has moved on. She will come back.

I can understand that you are upset (I have an 18yo too), but I think YABU to not accept that at 18 and in love she would prefer to spend time with her boyfriend than with family. It doesn't mean she doesn't love her family, but right now you're not half as much fun as her BF.

Don't make it a competition, why not let her stay in the house with her BF? It sounds like you will see more of her that way. Ultimately the more you try and "control" her the more she is likely to rebel. Re. her grandparents, you are turning the fact that YOU feel the need to make excuses on her, she would probably be quite happy to tell them her plans.

You sound quite controlling, op. It's not all
about you, cut your daughter some slack and see it from her point of view. She'll quite obviously be miserable if you put your foot down, she is an adult.

How large is you husbands parents' house? It seems there are already 7+ adults staying there. Perhaps she doesn't want to stay with you all because she will have to sleep in the same room as your husband and yourself.
Or with other, older relatives.
Slightly uncomfortable for a newly blossoming young adult.

YABVVVU and completely unrealistic.

Let the poor girl stay in her own home for crying out loud. Sod what the GPs think - she is not a child any longer. Just say she is staying with friends if you must cover it all up.

I agree with bubbaluv and you must remember how all-consuming proper "grown-up" teenage love is? >>yearns for those kinds of feelings again!

YABU

Sorry OP but YABVVU.

I am in my thirties with two DC but still remember being back from uni, spending time with my BF and the occasional discussion with mum about me treating the house like a hotel.

I didn't love mum any less. I was just completely loved up with my then BF and wanted to spend as much time as possible with him when I was home.

She is 18 now and her wish to be with her BF bears no relation to whether you are supporting her or not, that's your choice and you can't emotionally blackmail on that basis, and I am sure you wouldn't.

Please don't take this personally and see it for what it is, a teenager in love and nothing more.

When I was 18 I was desperately in love with my boyfriend of the time (been together since we were 15). My parents tried to send me to a uni miles apart as they were worried it was all to intense. Once we made the decision to stay together we did everything to do so and infact all our parents did was make us more determined. As soon as my parents left me at uni 10 minutes later my boyfriend came to stay at my halls and never left (we were at same uni). Now 13 years after we first met we are now married and expecting our first baby because our families were worried at the beginning as they thought we were too young etc it has affected out relationship with our parents. Dh and I can be quite insular from them we deal with things just the two of us and don't share as much with them which I know they hate, but because how they were in the beginning we got used to just relying on each other.
She is 18 and an adult just because you are paying for her at uni (so were my parents) doesn't give you the right to control her. You said he was a nice boy so enjoy him and try and include both of them in your family.
As far as grandparents are concerned TBH sod them I can think of a million worse things she could be doing.

"Happening city" made me chuckle, are you in 1963, op?!

YABU. She's an adult, you can't force her to spend time with you, not even with money. She's in what seems to be a serious relationship and she wants to spend time with him while she gets the chance. That seems totally normal to me and has nothing to do with her age. I'm sure if your parents insisted you visit them for Christmas without your significant other you'd think they were a bit mad.

Yabu. God,I would have put friends before family at that age let alone a boyfriend. They obviously have strong feelings for each other to have kept a long distance relationship going.
Certainly don't raise the issue of finances,it is not money=time. That will leave a bitter taste all round. If you persist,you will be the one to make Christmas miserable.
The gps don't have to know she is with her bf. She could be enjoying the 'happening city' along with Austin Powers :o

She suggested a compromise, of her staying in your house and you rejected it. So she has been clear instead that she will stay with bf. She sounds quite determined.

I think you need to be careful, otherwise your DD could end up drifting away long term. You obviously can't remember what it was like to be 18 and in love, but what you are doing will push a determined DD away.

I hate the attitude that because a parent provides financial support, they get to dictate some of how their DC lives. My parents have this attitude. Consequently I have never accepted money from them, even when we were really struggling with young DCs and a very small amount of money would have made life much easier for us and DCs. When I was 18, if you had pulled the financial support thing on me, I would have walked away from university - which wouldn't have been a good long term decision. Your DD sounds as determined/stubborn as I was.

You know the saying - if you love a thing (or person) you have to let it go. If it comes back it will be yours forever. If it doesn't come back it was never yours to start with.
We don't 'own' our children. we have to support and nurture them and encourage them to fly. It sounds as though you have raised a lovely intelligent independent adult. If it works out with BF you must be happy for them. If it doesn't, you will be there to pick up the pieces.
Good luck.

I can understand why you're upset, for sure.

However - look at it like this. She's 18 - and adult. Yes, you're financially supporting her.

You and your DH are also autonomous adults. But - you live with his parents, even though you have a house of your own. So even if you're paying rent, his parents are still, at least in part, supporting you.

Would you take kindly to them dictating how you spend your time and who you spend it with? Telling you how much time they expect you to be at home with the family, etc?

I think you can actually draw some pretty strong parallels between her being supported by her parents and living in the family home, and you and your DH being supported by his, living in the family home.

On this basis, I don't think you can do anything BUT cut her some slack...

Actually, I think the real issue here is that you are currently living with your DH's parents and so you don't feel able to let your DD invite her BF to stay with you, which would be the best solution all round.

Why are you living with the older generation? That is the crux here!