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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with my DD for prioritising time with her boyfriend over family?

167 replies

carissasteel · 28/10/2011 03:14

My 18 year old DD1 is away at university overseas. She has just finished her first term and is coming home for the Xmas holidays. She has a 21 year old boyfriend who lives here (but a few hours away) that she's been in a relationship with for almost a year (and obviously doing long distance the past few months - he is a nice boy).

My family and I (three younger siblings, DH) are currently living with my DH's parents for various reasons. Our own house is left unused. DD1 has asked if, when she's back, she and her boyfriend can stay there on weekends (it is a nice house and we live in a 'happening' city). I have said no because I don't like the idea of her and her boyfriend staying there. Also, her traditional grandparents would want to know where she is staying on the weekends and I would have to make up excuses for her. She has calmly said, "Ok, but this means that I will be going to my boyfriend's during the week and only returning home on weekends." (Why can she not go to her boyfriend's on weekends - he lives in a quiet place and I know she would prefer to be in the city, with all her friends, where it is 'happening' on the weekends)

AIBU to be bloody furious about this?! She studies so far away as it is, and I feel it's very selfish of her to want to spend so much time away from her family. I know there is nothing I can realistically do to stop her, but it's so infuriating as it means she will be spending more time with him than with us. She knows I'm not happy and I still think she is too young to be effectively living with someone like this. I know I will come across as old fashioned and there's not much I can do.. But I'm annoyed that she's sort of dictating the way things are going to be.. After all, we are still providing for her financially. And I just feel like it's going to spoil Xmas. So, AIBU?

Thank you for all your opinions :)

OP posts:
diddl · 28/10/2011 07:20

Perhaps she´d rather not have to move in with GPs?

I´d be staying full time at boyfriends tbh.

hauntedstateofmind · 28/10/2011 07:28

YABU OP, though I understand where you are coming from. I may well be in the same position in a year's time with DD1 overseas for Uni. I hope I would just be pleased she wanted to see us at all in the hols.

Sort out the Christmas arrangements, so you know what is happening.

As others have said, why not let her stay in your house at the weekends? If there are no tenants and she promises to keep it secure and clean what is the problem?

NinkyNonker · 28/10/2011 07:43

Blimey, I wish you lot had known my parents when I was her age!

marriedinwhite · 28/10/2011 08:01

I think YABU is a hard term for the circumstances and I can feel your hurt. Our DS is 17 and I can see this not far off the horizon. But your dd is home only occasionally and teenage love (if I remember rightly) is raw and tense and urgent. You must be helping your dd a lot if she is at uni in the States. However, you won't see a great deal of her over the next few years and for her to have suggested she and bf use your family home, presumably she wants to see you and sees this as a compromise. Is it such a bad compromise if you consider all of the circumstances together and if it avoids ill feeling and argument with a child you must love dearly.

You know they must be sleeping together and providing they aren't doing it under your nose, ie, they haven't suggested they stay at your parents with you and have exercised some maturity and sensitivity in this to keep everyone happy.

The boyfriend won't last forever in your daughter's life (probably) but you will. It will be much easier for her to come home for a hug if you support the relationship than if you don't. It's all part of growing up and I don't like it any more than you do but I don't think it's worth a ruck and an upset when she's 18 and living in America and he's 21 and waiting patiently.

PositiveAttitude · 28/10/2011 08:04

Grin Ninky, me too!!

Chandon · 28/10/2011 08:08

yabvu.

She's a grown up now.

slinking said it well above

OddBoots · 28/10/2011 08:11

I don't think it is as simple as unreasonable or not. I can understand you feeling hurt, it can't be easy to see her go so far to university and I know in your shoes I would comfort myself with the thought that you'd see her in the holidays.

It is perfectly normal for an 18 year old to want to be with a boyfriend though, it isn't a rejection of you or your family. Could you sit down with her and explain that you (as a family) miss her and would like to see more of her and try to reach a compromise?

LoveBeingAWitch · 28/10/2011 08:13

Toothbrush gets the most organised reply award Grin

Op she is trying to find a balance, afterall she could have said I'll come home every couple or three weekends.

shinybaubles · 28/10/2011 08:14

Be careful with holding money over her head - my dad did the same needless to say there came a point when I decided on freedom instead, we now have no relationship and he has never seen his grandchildren, my dsis also chose freedom in the end and has no relationship with him, and it all started with the I am paying for you to go to uni so you do what I want scenario.

LoveBeingAWitch · 28/10/2011 08:14

Btw nonky ditto

Megatron · 28/10/2011 08:18

YABU. She's 18 and in love, I can still remember what that was like (just). Please don't hold the fact you are providing for her financially over her head, that's not fair and I'm assuming there were no conditions attached when you agreed to do that.

I do actually understand your misgivings as she's your 'little girl' but you can't really expect her to prefer staying with her grandparents and parents than her boyfriend at that age really. I'm sure she loves you all very much and although she is an adult, she's still a young adult and wants to be with her fella.

ENormaSnob · 28/10/2011 08:19

Yabvvu

IMHO you sound very controlling and you are going to end up pushing her further away.

purits · 28/10/2011 08:20

I don't understand. She wants to spend weekends with the boyfriend. That means 2, maybe 3, days with him and remaining 5 days with the family. How does that translate into "very selfish of her to want to spend so much time away from her family".Confused She's spending more time with you than the bf.

I think that she has grown up in the term that she has been away and you haven't recognised it. She is used to being an autonomous adult now: treat her as one.

overmydeadbody · 28/10/2011 08:46

YABVU

I agree with everything toothy said.

DownbytheRiverside · 28/10/2011 08:57

My DD is at uni, and to begin with she was startled at the number of students that weren't planning on going home ever again.
If you love your DD then let her be free to make choices as an adult. If she owes you anything for the financial support, it should be linked to her course and her grades, not her personal life.
She's grown up, even faster than most if she's at uni abroad without family close at hand. She's growing up and you are struggling with the autonomy she now has. It is hard as a parent, but you need to rethink your relationship.

pictish · 28/10/2011 09:17

Yabu. She is an adult now, can shag her boyfriend as much as she wants, and live with him full time too, if she so wishes. Nothing you can do.

I think her proposal was quite adult and sensible, and took her family into consideration a lot.

You may support her financially, but that doesn't give you exclusive rights over her emotionally I'm afraid.

Calm down and be reasonable. What her traditional grandparents think is for her to worry about - and they are being unreasonable too.
She's 18 - none of you own her.

ragged · 28/10/2011 09:26

It's foolhardy to ask her to choose between her boyfriend & her family.

Foxydoxy · 28/10/2011 09:41

Don't be so silly. Let them stay in the house as she very reasonably suggested. Be pleased when she comes to spend "family time". Don't betray, even by a muffled sigh, when you are disappointed that she hasn't spent as much time with you as you might have liked. Just be very welcoming when she is there.
She's an adult building a new life, it's natural for her to spend most of her free time away from you. On top of that she has a boyfriend and now they have a chance to spend some time together. You can't expect her to come back and slot back into being a child again.
Dont make excuses, tell the grandparents that she's with her boyfriend.
Re-reading your thread I think that this is a problem for you really. You think she's too young for a serious relationship. You don't really like the fact that they are sleeping together. You certainly don't want to do anything to facilitate that. Which is fine, but you need to accept that in that case you will see less of her.

alwayspoor · 28/10/2011 09:41

YABVU and I think you know it. You are providing for her financially Hmm, that bit makes you sound controlling. Shes an adult.

MackerelOfFact · 28/10/2011 09:45

You are the one being selfish. Your DD studies abroad, doesn't get to see her boyfriend (presumably her first love) or her family for months. She plans to come home and spend time with both, but being 18 and having matured into a young woman, she wants to spend slightly more time with her 21-year-old boyfriend than with her middle aged parents and grandparents. I think that's utterly reasonable.

Also, if she's only in her first term, she's presumably been away for less than 2 months as it is? You really do sound quite self-centred and controlling. Just because you seem to be willing to live with your parents as an adult, you can't expect your DD to do the same.

Ruining Christmas? FFS. You're ruining it yourself.

ScaredBear · 28/10/2011 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Animation · 28/10/2011 09:46

Just be happy for her that she is a normal happy 18 year old - and be supportive and give her space.

flyingcloud · 28/10/2011 10:05

Argh! You sound like my mum. I remember this - the constant guilt trips to spend time with my family rather than weekends with my friends/boyfriends. I went to boarding school and would come home at the holidays and be bored rigid and never see anyone. I still feel stifled.

I left home as soon as I could and would never ever live close to my mother again. This is horribly sad, but the constant guilt-tripping - even now - really gets to me.

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 28/10/2011 10:16

Yes YABU. She offered you the solution you actually want, where she sees her BF on the weekends. You could have let her BF come and stay at your empty house for the weekends. You chose to say no.

She studies so far away as it is, and I feel it's very selfish of her to want to spend so much time away from her family

You could have had her with you all week!

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 28/10/2011 10:20

And I agree with the other posters, she sounds very mature. She opted to spend the week with her family and the weekend with him and her friends. She didn't moan or shout when you said she couldn't use your empty house at the weekends. She 'calmly' told you that she would therefore reverse the time split.

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