to be upset with my DD for prioritising time with her boyfriend over family?

[carissasteel]

My 18 year old DD1 is away at university overseas. She has just finished her first term and is coming home for the Xmas holidays. She has a 21 year old boyfriend who lives here (but a few hours away) that she's been in a relationship with for almost a year (and obviously doing long distance the past few months - he is a nice boy).

My family and I (three younger siblings, DH) are currently living with my DH's parents for various reasons. Our own house is left unused. DD1 has asked if, when she's back, she and her boyfriend can stay there on weekends (it is a nice house and we live in a 'happening' city). I have said no because I don't like the idea of her and her boyfriend staying there. Also, her traditional grandparents would want to know where she is staying on the weekends and I would have to make up excuses for her. She has calmly said, "Ok, but this means that I will be going to my boyfriend's during the week and only returning home on weekends." (Why can she not go to her boyfriend's on weekends - he lives in a quiet place and I know she would prefer to be in the city, with all her friends, where it is 'happening' on the weekends)

AIBU to be bloody furious about this?! She studies so far away as it is, and I feel it's very selfish of her to want to spend so much time away from her family. I know there is nothing I can realistically do to stop her, but it's so infuriating as it means she will be spending more time with him than with us. She knows I'm not happy and I still think she is too young to be effectively living with someone like this. I know I will come across as old fashioned and there's not much I can do.. But I'm annoyed that she's sort of dictating the way things are going to be.. After all, we are still providing for her financially. And I just feel like it's going to spoil Xmas. So, AIBU?

Thank you for all your opinions :)

Thanks everyone for your replies. It IS a difficult situation. Reason we don't live in our own house is rather complicated.. Two years ago we had a bad break-in, men with knives, etc. Grew rather paranoid especially with my youngest being very young (didn't want her left alone with babysitter all day) so moved in for what I thought would be temporary with ILs. ILs love having the kids there and are generally very helpful as DH and I both work. Then my eldest DD and DD2 got half-scholarships to very good school, both really wanted to go, so ILs suggested we live at theirs and rent house out. FIL is quite ill as well, MIL is old, so both feel more comfortable having us stay there (very normal of Asian family)

Now I fear DH has gotten too comfortable at his parents. We are in the midst of saving up for smaller house but all our money is going on school and uni fees (DD1's are 30,000+ a year). Our house has been temporarily vacated (which is why DD wants to use it this Xmas) but will be rented out again for another 2 years. I'm afraid we will get stuck living at PILs forever!

Thinking about it I realise the issue really is more with PILs and not with DD and bf. But I just don't think that DD fully understands the sacrifices we have made for her to have this education. She does work part-time to support herself in the holidays but it's not really enough. I just feel like she should understand the difficult position it puts me in with her GPs and accept that part of that requires her to behave like a dutiful daughter in the holidays and not disappear off with her boyfriend leaving me to explain to extremely traditional and irrational MIL!

DH doesn't even know about DD1's request (he would say no flat out and this would cause major problems) I am DD's main confidante, which I'm glad of, but feel like I'm stuck. DH tells me to ignore his parents and let them deal with DD directly with regards to her going out, but they don't go on at him about HIS parenting - only mine! He has tried speaking to them before but they are old and refuse to change ways. He also thinks DD should suck it up as his parents are being very helpful. I don't want to seem ungrateful.

Do you think I should just tell this all to DD? And explain what a difficult position it puts me in? I have tried before, but I don't think she really gets it.

carissa lovely, you are paying far too high a price for your children's educations and it's squeezing the life out of you.

Firstly, ignore dh. It is not on to abdicate parental responsibility to your in laws. You are the mother of your dd, not mil and if mil is allowed to parent, I fear you won't see your dd for dust.

I urge you to sell the house and get out of your in laws home. This arrangement is doing you no good at all. The world will not implode if your dc have to go to other schools. I truly do not think you can go on being held to ransom by your ILs.

Personally, I would tell my dd the truth. If you in laws withdraw financial support, then this will have a huge impact on her life - she deserves to know it's a possibility, so she can plan accordingly. But, don't stifle her freedom or yours. Make plans now to get out, even if it means giving up some of the things you value. The price is too high.

"We are in the midst of saving up for smaller house"

Hope you can move out soon - and as someone said up thread - cut the apron strings. You're not answerable anyone and should live your own lives.

you cannot let MIL parent/deal with DD. your DH has no right to say that.

Karma's post says it all. Please take advice from it.

The thing is, you aren't bringing her up to be a dutiful daughter, you're bringing her up to be free and independent. What I hadn't realised was just how much this education was costing however, so I think you do have to say 'actually they are paying for x, so in return I think y is reasonable'. It's then up to you both to find out what 'y' is - I suspect it's a compromise where she shows up more and you are more honest with her about the burdens her actions put on you.

But I think there is a long, hard think to be had about what you're giving up - i.e. you are becoming the dutiful daughter in return for your own children's incredibly expensive education. Is that a bargain worth having?

i actually feel that YANBU to say no about the house. It is your house and you are absolutely and completely entitled to say that you do not want her staying there with her BF. That is a different matter than telling her how to live her life etc etc etc...Your home, your rules.

However, she is certainly entitled to make other arrangements and there is very little you can do about that.

You are not obligated to support her financially, but since you have chosen to do so, the decent thing is to not hold that support over her head. I'd say, accept her decision to stay elsewhere and just enjoy the time you can with her.

Wilson, 'free and independent' and 'dutiful' are not mutually exclusive in my eyes. There is always some duty one needs to fulfil in every stage of life, towards parents, employer, children, spouse.

If op and gp are spending 120,000 on a four year university education for dd, it is surely not too much to ask dd to do her bit for the family...Carissa, definitely have a grown-up chat with her.

Wilson, think we are saying the same think :). Hate to say this, OP, but think dd sounds a teeny bit selfish and might need a bit of a hard wake-up call. A lot of people her age would willing do much more to be able to have someone pay 120,000 for their four year university education.

I sympathise with your daughter. After I left for uni at 18 I felt "home" was with my friends, I suspect if my parents had decided to live with their religious repressive parents that house would definitely have not felt like home.
It's sad that you seem more concerned about what your elderly relatives think of your actions than what your daughter thinks of them.
I agree that you should talk to your daughter and explain the financial situation to her. Was she aware when she decided to study at an expensive university overseas that this meant you couldn't escape from your inlaws house and she would be expected to conform to a certain standard of behaviour? She may have chosen a UK university if she realised you were paying for her education with your freedom.
It sounds sad though that staying with your inlaws so they will pay for things is more important than having your own house with your own rules where your daughter may feel more welcome.

I'm not sure flatbread I do think that all family wheels need oiled and at some points everyone has to do things that wouldn't necessarily be their first choice. And I do think OP is probably sheilding DD from how difficult her actions make the OPs life - and to me, that is the definition of 'adulthood', when you stop doing that for your DCs.

I've flip-flopped a lot on this thread, mainly because I have genuine sympathy for the OP...

But really, minimising your own life, your own choices, your own being because someone else holds the purse strings - No. That's different from letting your Gran watch the queen's speech at Christmas when you'd rather be watching the big movie. The ILs in this situation are holding an entire generation to ransom because they have money and seniorority. It's not on. I hope the DD finds the strength to find her own way. But I fear the OP will be badly, badly hurt in the process. No-ones really going to win, are they?

Wilson, I see what you are saying. I think it is a bit harsh to say GPs are holding the family at ransom. A three generational family situation is always difficult. For example, my gran wasn't supporting us financially when we stayed with her and yet she made loads of critical comments to my mum about how we were being brought up. I don't think she did it to be mean, I think they just had different ideas of what was proper behaviour.

These GPs seem generally quite forward thinking. They want their gd to get a good university education abroad and are willing to pay for it. I see this as an act of love, not control. But even love comes with some expectations.

Thing is though, it's easy to ignore criticism if the person criticising has no power to affect your life, but it puts a different slant on things if the person criticising can cut off your access to education if you don't comply.

But karma, huge sums of money will come with some constraints, no? If I think about friends whose family paid 100k for their education, there were usually strings attached, although often unspoken. They had to study certain subjects, work within certain professions, marry within a certain class/circle.

The ones who had it lucky had trust funds set up by deceased grandparents.

It is an act of love - until it becomes an act of control. The OP clearly believes if she says 'GD is staying with her boyfriend this week' that there will be significant consequences, so it is perceived as being an act of control, even if it isn't.

I imagine your dd will spend future holidays abroad if too much is expected at home. I never really went back. The deal on fees has been made between you and pil not your dd, although being upfront about that with her and finding out what she plans if fees are no longer paid would alos be interesting. Never expect gratitude or thanks or even help with these kind of deals op - it won't happen!

Sorry YABU becuase she is in lurve and actually cutting your own n0ose off to spite your face . She wants to spend time with him naturally and to go out and party. So what if people ask questions about where she is staying? If you want her there then allow it. She is also an adult not a child!

Yes, it's rare for money to be given freely with no conditions. I think perhaps that dd was maybe too young to comprehend that when making her university choices. I don't think it was spelled out to her that her education would mean having to toe the line. I don't blame her for railing against it - this wasn't a bargain she made or was even aware of.

I don't think that the OP willingly made this deal either - circumstances and events have slowly crept up on her. The best thing for her would be to claw back control of her own life and get out from under her in laws roof. Then she will be able to make the parenting decisions that she feels are right, rather than trying to appease ILs, while trying not to alienate her own dd.

Why does your DD need a £30,000 a year uni fee or have I misunderstood?

OK so now I realise that DGPs are paying for the educaction and I do agree she needs to see them and you need to make it clear. However, my parents rammed the loan for my education down my neck and I still resent it, don't want their help 10 years on and completely distrust any offer of help from them now!

I imagine dd is at Harvard, Stanford or Yale or some such, and that is how much they cost.

DH and I were engaged after 6 weeks
My mum knew we slept together the day we met (actual due to no contraception sleep is exactly what we did until a week latter). She simply asked if I'd used my sleeping bag, no use fibbing because she folds it much better than me.
Ever afterwards we shared a bed at my parents no eyebrows raised.
DHs mum knew and let us have her late Mums house next door, nothing was ever said to DHs elderly father about how many beds were changed

But the OP has said "I don't like the idea of her and her BF staying there".
So I don't get the impression that she is just taking a stance to keep the grandparents happy.The issue of DD staying in the house seems to be to completely separate from the rest - at the end of the day, DD shoudl be expected to comply with house rules no matter what. SHe does have the choice to stay elsewhere. If I kept a meat-free household, and that was an important value to me, and my daughter wanted to host a pig roast in my backyard, I'd say no! I can't see why anyone would think that OP doesn't have the right to say no about how or if DD uses her parents' home!

The fact that the OP/in-laws are supporting DD financially does change things. If DD wants to be an adult who comes and goes as she pleases, she can choose that path. I have already said that I don't think gifts or educational support should be held over the recipient's head, as a way of keeping them in line with a certain lifestyle - but I do think that there is a happy medium. Who has paid for her ticket back from overseas? Her family? Then the decent and respectful thing for DD would be to make them a priority.

Am annoyed by what seems to be a widespread belief (don't mean on this thread, just generally) that children are 'owed' everything by their parents, well into 'adulthood', but should have no responsibilities in return. That they should act like babies when it suits them, and then demand to have adult privileges. but that's another rant..

I was going to write a long message but see karma has said everything I wanted to say, and most eloquently. Carissa, how comfortable are you with this three generation set up? Can you stand up for your own nuclear family or is that not possible? You sound lovely but quite passive at the moment. There is no way I would let my PILs treat my DC like yours are treating your DD, but I wonder whether you are bound by a culture of respect for your elders to accept this situation in a way I would not need to?

I don't think people are saying children are "owed" things by their parents when adults and should have no responsibilities.
I do think though that you can't expect your adult children to conform to standards that they don't agree with as their half of a "bargain" that they had no idea they were making.
The OP can insist her daughter doesn't show that she has any sexual life at all in front of them or her parents, but the daughter can then refuse to live with the OP as she is doing.
30k tuition fees for a foreign university seems mad to me. I presume she must be studying something exotic or in a foreign language to be worth that price. I wonder if she really understood the effect this expense would have on her family when she went though.

"Am annoyed by what seems to be a widespread belief (don't mean on this thread, just generally) that children are 'owed' everything by their parents, well into 'adulthood', but should have no responsibilities in return."

And on the other hand I don't believe parents should induce their children with the "you owe me" threat - "after everything I've done for you."