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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset with my DD for prioritising time with her boyfriend over family?

167 replies

carissasteel · 28/10/2011 03:14

My 18 year old DD1 is away at university overseas. She has just finished her first term and is coming home for the Xmas holidays. She has a 21 year old boyfriend who lives here (but a few hours away) that she's been in a relationship with for almost a year (and obviously doing long distance the past few months - he is a nice boy).

My family and I (three younger siblings, DH) are currently living with my DH's parents for various reasons. Our own house is left unused. DD1 has asked if, when she's back, she and her boyfriend can stay there on weekends (it is a nice house and we live in a 'happening' city). I have said no because I don't like the idea of her and her boyfriend staying there. Also, her traditional grandparents would want to know where she is staying on the weekends and I would have to make up excuses for her. She has calmly said, "Ok, but this means that I will be going to my boyfriend's during the week and only returning home on weekends." (Why can she not go to her boyfriend's on weekends - he lives in a quiet place and I know she would prefer to be in the city, with all her friends, where it is 'happening' on the weekends)

AIBU to be bloody furious about this?! She studies so far away as it is, and I feel it's very selfish of her to want to spend so much time away from her family. I know there is nothing I can realistically do to stop her, but it's so infuriating as it means she will be spending more time with him than with us. She knows I'm not happy and I still think she is too young to be effectively living with someone like this. I know I will come across as old fashioned and there's not much I can do.. But I'm annoyed that she's sort of dictating the way things are going to be.. After all, we are still providing for her financially. And I just feel like it's going to spoil Xmas. So, AIBU?

Thank you for all your opinions :)

OP posts:

BeeBread · 28/10/2011 14:04

YABVU

I am married to the boy I met at University when I was 17. He was and is the centre of my universe. I suspect, given her reaction to you, that your DD feels the same way about her boyfriend.

She is grown up now and in love. You are trying to control her by setting conditions on which she can see someone she has been with for a year. That may be appropriate when dealing with a child, but not an adult.

TBH I think you are forcing your DD to choose between her family and her love. You don't have to put her in that position - it's a horrible thing to do - and could ruin your relationship.

Do what my DM & DF did: welcome your DDs boyfriend with open arms. We are all part of the same family and they love him fiercely, and have done for a long time. So much better don't you think?

BeeBread · 28/10/2011 14:07

Sorry OP, x-post there.

The problem you have is with your PILs, not your daughter. This is not of her making.

I am sorry that you are in such a miserable situation but I think it is best not to try to share that misery with your DD. Spare her from it, direct the resentment where it is deserved (your situation/PIL) and preserve your relationship with her.

kingprawntikka · 28/10/2011 14:09

I know she thinks she is very much in love
This is so patronising. How do you know she only thinks she's in love?
I am married to the boy I was in love with at eighteen. Its been twenty four years since we met, 21 of them married and I wouldn't change a thing.

Our son is in his first term at university, and yes we miss him but my conversation with him about the Christmas hols was very different to yours. I asked how long he was planning on coming home for. He said what did we want him to do and I said you can come for 4 days... two weeks... the whole month whatever you want to do. We will enjoy seeing you whatever you chose. And yes I hope he comes home for more than a week , but you know what, if he didn't I wouldn't say a word because it would just push him away.

So what if your inlaws don't approve of your DD staying with her boyfriend, Its not your call so you don't need to be answerable on it , Its your daughters call and she is grown up and can do what she wants to.

slavetofilofax · 28/10/2011 14:11

You are being ridiculous.

Your dd does want to spend time with you, she just doesn't want to be dictated to about when that will happen. She is an adult, and no adult likes to be told what to do by their parents. SHe just wants to split her time between all the people she loves, and that includes her boyfriend.

I went to New York for Christmas with my boyfriend when I was 18, both our families were a bit unhappy about it, but tough!

flatbread · 28/10/2011 14:16

But Bee, OP is putting up with difficult in-laws in part so that dd can study abroad. Shouldn't dd either work to pay for her own education or help her mum emotionally by staying at home and sucking it up? She is not a child, she should be able to live in a difficult situation and shouldn't need to be shielded from all this. It is only for a few weeks anyway.

Still don't get by bf cannot come by on weekends and pay for a hotel? That way dd could spend time with him and be home at a reasonable hour. Plus he could take vacation and meet dd whereever she is studying.

diddl · 28/10/2011 14:22

Whose decision is it for ILs to be paying towards education?

Ideally they should be doing it without strings.

But I can also see how they want people to have some respect for their house & their house rules whilst people are staying there.

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 28/10/2011 14:24

I'd be bloody thankful that she has a boyfriend who lives in the same country as you and is working. If she gets one that is from the country she's studying in she might stay with his family during the holidays. And if she can legally work during the summer holidays in the country she's at uni in, she might well not come back at all. Her boyfriend is a reason to come back.

And did she board like her sister? Because if she did, you must realise the irony in you complaining she doesn't want to stay with her family.

BeeBread · 28/10/2011 14:25

Personally I think if you want to pay for your child's education, you should do so without conditions attached - especially conditions which are laden with emotion/guilt.

If OP doesn't wholeheartedly want to see her DD through university, fine, then don't pay. But to insist that her DD plays the dutiful daughter in exchange is, I think, a bit of unnecessary power play which could affect their relationship for a long time.

She will still see her daughter every weekend and I think she should make the most of it.

DownbytheRiverside · 28/10/2011 14:25

AIBU, I am living with someone who makes me really miserable, has very fixed ideas about what is appropriate and is very critical of my parenting skills, making my DD uncomfortable and unwilling to comply with a 10pm curfew. It ia a suffocating environment.
But they are very rich and I like the benefits of that. So why isn't my daughter willing to make the same deal with the devil as I've done?

flatbread · 28/10/2011 14:25

Yes slave, but did your parents pay for your ticket to NY? Presumably op or gp have paid for dd to come home.

I think one of most painful adult lessons to learn is that there is no free lunch. If you want to do your own thing, you have to pay your own way.

DownbytheRiverside · 28/10/2011 14:27

'And did she board like her sister? Because if she did, you must realise the irony in you complaining she doesn't want to stay with her family.'

I hated boarding school too.

hauntedstateofmind · 28/10/2011 14:27

Why are the grandparents critical of DD1 for staying with friends overnight?

Poor girl- it doesn't sound a barrel of laughs (for any of you) to be living in this situation.

Your DH should talk to his parents about their old fashioned views before your DD doesn't come home at all except for afternoon tea on Sunday if you are lucky.

DownbytheRiverside · 28/10/2011 14:28

'I think one of most painful adult lessons to learn is that there is no free lunch. If you want to do your own thing, you have to pay your own way.'

That is the risk that the OP is taking, and TBH I think it would be better all round if the daughter did exactly that.

slavetofilofax · 28/10/2011 14:30

Of course we payed for ourselves to go to NY, but I'd bet that the OP wanted her dd to go to university as much as the dd wanted to be able to go.

They can't make out that they are being entirely selfless by helping her through university, it's what most parents would do if they could. Partly for the benefit of the dc, but partly because they want their child to succeed.

flatbread · 28/10/2011 14:36

DD has made the deal with the devil, she just doesn't want to do the hard part and leaves that to her mum. If dd is an adult, why is she letting someone else pay for her university education? Lots of kids in the US take out student loans or pay their way through university. My DH did it (and went home for Christmas), and it means not being able to enjoy pub nights with friends and working during weekends when your friends are partying. So in reality, as an adult, she should realize that there is going to be some 'sucking up' involved either way - either towards GP or towards an employer.

My university fees were 25,000 a year and living costs on top of that. If dd's school charges are as much as mine, GPs and OP are paying a lot for dd.

kingprawntikka · 28/10/2011 14:36

Yes, I agree Slave. We are helping our son with his uni costs but its a no string offer, and like you say we want him to do well so are happy to help.

DrinkYourWeakLemonDrinkNow · 28/10/2011 14:37

I can see this from both sides and it is hard to let go but please don't be too hard on her. She's 18 and in love and tasting freedom.

My parents always were (in fact still are at times) very controlling. They ruined life for me at 18 with the most unreasonable attitude. I've brushed it under the carpet now (at 46!) but I've never forgotten it and will bear it in mind when my own dc are that age.

flatbread · 28/10/2011 14:43

I agree Riverside. Lots of family politics involved and poor OP in the middle of it. We lived with my grandma for a few years and it was awful for my mum. It was hard for us kids too, but we had thick skins while mum bore the brunt of it all.

WilsonFrickett · 28/10/2011 14:44

OP, I've read your update and I think you need a strategy for dealing with the ILs because it's really not fair that you're taking all the heat for your adult daughter's decisions. Have you tried simply saying 'DD is 18 and free to do as she wishes, if you don't approve you should speak to her'?

Animation · 28/10/2011 15:16

Having read your recent post I suspect that the root of your problem is your in-laws. You don't appear to deal with them very well or stand up to them when they're being unreasonable and hyper-critical.

Displacing your frustrations on your daughter and putting your own personal needs onto her is unfair, and also thwarts her joy when she should be enjoying herself and not being made to feel guilty about it.

Original poster

carissasteel · 28/10/2011 15:16

kingprawntikka - Sorry, didn't mean to sound patronising. They are a good couple and I'm sure they are in love. Obviously not so sure they will end up married, but you never know!

I agree that the root of the problem is the ILs. PILs are pretty conservative Muslims. They do not even know DD HAS a boyfriend, and I end up having to cover for her all the time. I know it doesn't sound like it makes much sense, but it is simply NOT an option to tell them. I have tried saying to them that DD does what she likes, and MIL will have a go at DD for this before she leaves the house in the evening. Snaps at her saying things like, "You are only 18, behaving like a 30 year old" "You are behaving like a girl who was badly brought up" To be fair, DD is a very mature, sensible girl. Even if she did go out, she would want to be home by midnight but this is too late for her grandmother. (Another issue is that there is an alarm in the house which grandmother insists on putting on every night, so grandmother will often wait up for DD to get home and then snap at her when she gets in..)

However, DD is now so sick of it that she will often go out during the day, text me to tell me she is staying out the night, which I will then have to relay to her grandmother... Who will then criticise me for being a bad parent. It is IMPOSSIBLE to reason with her (MIL).

It is all so frustrating! I just feel like my DD should understand the difficult situation I am in... And her GPs sensibilities. It was her GPs idea to help pay for uni, and she is normally very appreciative of this. I also agree with everyone that because I am making a 'deal with the devil', I have sort of expected DD to do the same. Which it seems she isn't prepared to do and isn't fair anyway! Agree that offering to provide help should come no strings attached, but that isn't always the case... MIL expects DD to be respectful of their religion, dress decently, be home at a certain time and not have boyfriends at this age.

And on top of all this, obviously I personally want her with us the majority of the holidays. Not just because it would save aggro with the ILs, but because I miss her. It is all rather a muddle! Sorry for the long posts by the way. Never managed to get this off my chest before.

OP posts:

flowery · 28/10/2011 15:24

If that's the kind of living environment your adult DD is in when she is at home I think it's enormously to her credit that she wants to spend any time there at all tbh. Many 18 yo would run a mile away from that as soon as they were able. She sounds mature and sensible, as you say, and I think you should not take your frustrations with your ILs out on her and blame her for spoiling Christmas.

Animation · 28/10/2011 15:25

I think you need to get out of that house - and away from your in-laws then.

Yes, you have made a 'deal with the devil' but it's YOUR deal and your daughter has not subscribed.

Have courage - and do the right thing for your daughter.

Animation · 28/10/2011 15:28

And if you can't leave - be delighted that your daughter can.

kingprawntikka · 28/10/2011 15:29

Apology accepted Carissa I think I may have been a little harsh. It came from a good place, I would hate you to push your daughter away because the long term consequences for you would be sad. I have in laws who are never happy with what we offer. If we went for a weekend .. why didn't we drive down on the Friday, If we went for four days why not a week, If we went on holiday with them why wasn't it in the summer. Consequently we now only see them a few time a year. I think your post tapped in to that feeling for me.

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