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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with my DD for prioritising time with her boyfriend over family?

167 replies

carissasteel · 28/10/2011 03:14

My 18 year old DD1 is away at university overseas. She has just finished her first term and is coming home for the Xmas holidays. She has a 21 year old boyfriend who lives here (but a few hours away) that she's been in a relationship with for almost a year (and obviously doing long distance the past few months - he is a nice boy).

My family and I (three younger siblings, DH) are currently living with my DH's parents for various reasons. Our own house is left unused. DD1 has asked if, when she's back, she and her boyfriend can stay there on weekends (it is a nice house and we live in a 'happening' city). I have said no because I don't like the idea of her and her boyfriend staying there. Also, her traditional grandparents would want to know where she is staying on the weekends and I would have to make up excuses for her. She has calmly said, "Ok, but this means that I will be going to my boyfriend's during the week and only returning home on weekends." (Why can she not go to her boyfriend's on weekends - he lives in a quiet place and I know she would prefer to be in the city, with all her friends, where it is 'happening' on the weekends)

AIBU to be bloody furious about this?! She studies so far away as it is, and I feel it's very selfish of her to want to spend so much time away from her family. I know there is nothing I can realistically do to stop her, but it's so infuriating as it means she will be spending more time with him than with us. She knows I'm not happy and I still think she is too young to be effectively living with someone like this. I know I will come across as old fashioned and there's not much I can do.. But I'm annoyed that she's sort of dictating the way things are going to be.. After all, we are still providing for her financially. And I just feel like it's going to spoil Xmas. So, AIBU?

Thank you for all your opinions :)

OP posts:
shinybaubles · 28/10/2011 15:31

Please be very careful with handling your daughter I know how badly these situations can backfire, I was in a very similar one, and in a similarly conservative family set up, the pressure your daughter may feel with the money obligations, and the pressure to behave a certain way - can cause an unbearable amount of strain. Some people feel if they are paying it gives them a right to control everything not just studies and exam results but all aspects of a persons life. I really feel for you and your daughter.

AgathaCrusty · 28/10/2011 15:34

The more of a hard time you and your inlaws give her, the more you will all push her away.

It's not about their feelings. If you want to maintain and nurture a good relationship with your daughter, you must put her needs before those of her grandparents.

DownbytheRiverside · 28/10/2011 15:36

As I said, I stayed away from my religious family for three years, then got a job 300 miles from them. I'd rather have starved than submitted. It was a close call on occasion. I made Baby Jesus Weep a lot.

flatbread · 28/10/2011 15:42

Poor you! I do hope you have some outlet for yourself or there must be one big scream building up inside.

Have GPs paid for the ticket home? In that case, they probably feel that dd should stay with them and follow their house rules.

Also, could GPs withdraw their financial support to dd if they find out she has a boyfriend and sleepovers? Is there a plan B in place if that were to happen?

Honestly, if there is a large financial contribution being made by GP, I would tell dd to suck it up. It is for her benefit if you cannot pay her tuition fees without GP support. She needs to figure out whether she wants GP money and some restrictions on her holiday time, or work to pay her way while studying with lots of restrictions during school year and probably holiday time.

In a la la land money comes with no strings attached. But in the real world, the are expectations involved, and it is no bad thing to learn to adjust and fit in into a difficult situation. She will have to deal with a difficult life situation eventually, and now is as good or bad a time as any other.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 28/10/2011 15:46

What does your husband have to say about all this? He isn't mentioned in your posts at all.

I do think that your DD needs to choose. Her GPs have - rightly or wrongly - attached conditions in their mind to them helping out with fees etc. She can either accept their money and compromise or reject it and do as she likes. That is what being a grownup is, not spending other people's cash AND having your own way.

I really cannot understand why you are living with the inlaws when they are exacting such a penance from you all. You need to cut the apron strings yourself!
I expect this is where the fury comes from, your daughter has had the courage to say 'I won't' where you haven't.

Xmasbaby11 · 28/10/2011 15:58

YABU and you should let her and the boyfriend stay in your house. Her behaviour sounds normal to me at that age. It has nothing to do with her grandparents!

Even though family are as important - if not more so - than a relationship, unlike with a family, they need to spend time together when they get it to give the relationship chance to work. You will always be there for her and you love her unconditionally. As a parent, that's your role.

If you push her away, you won't like the results.

cantspel · 28/10/2011 16:04

Did anyone think to tell your daughter that the finacial assistance the grandparents are giving somes with the string that she must live her life acording to her grandparents rules?

I think the whole situation is unheathy and you should move back to your own home.

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 28/10/2011 16:14

You really need to sort out the situation with your ILs and your DD. What will happen if they do find out she has a boyfriend? Would they cut off the money or worse, cut her off?

hauntedstateofmind · 28/10/2011 16:31

I repeat that I think your DH needs to talk to his parents. Your DD is a modern girl and is making her way in the world. She needs support but she also needs freedom.

I find it very sad that she can't get back into the house in the evening without being shouted at by her GM. Hence she stays away. How awful.

A harsh over-controlling MIL is driving away your daughter. Surely your DH can be encouraged to sort this out calmly with his mother? Will she not listen to her own son?

flatbread · 28/10/2011 17:09

I would imagine it will be very hard to make old people change their ways. In a lot of modern Asian families, girls have to be home by a certain time, so it not necessarily so old-fashioned to have a curfew.

The person who needs support here is OP, IMO, who is living in a very difficult situation. Dd probably has lots of freedom at university. Can she not adjust for a few weeks to make her mum's life easier?

OP, does your dd see you as a friend and ally? Can you laugh at GMs idiosyncrasies together? Honestly, I think you need some support and hope dd can provide it.

We lived with our grandma fora few years and it was awful. It didn't drive us away from our mum, in fact sis and I are very protective towards mum. So don't worry about driving dd away, focus more on what you need at this point and ask dd for help. It is ok to rely on emotional support from grown up kids.

Best of luck and lots of xxx

NotQuiteSoDesperate · 28/10/2011 17:11

Goodness me, OP, I had almost exactly the same argument with my mum when I was 18...

... I'm 54 now. I thought the world had changed a bit in all of those years!

LeBOOOf · 28/10/2011 17:13

Yes, I think Carissa is having a very difficult time and needs support. Carissa, can you explain why you have to live with your PILs at the moment when you have your own house? Is that something you can change?

SansaLannister · 28/10/2011 17:16

Gees, a lot of people at 18 are married around here! I'd expect my daughter at that age to visit her husband or partner if she were home from the holidays. I look forward to it, in fact. Yay! Hopefully he's got a cool family, I'd like to invite them all over for cocktails on Xmas Eve, then DH and I could have a love-in on Xmas day, dinner in a restaurant, get pissed and dance around.

We love having our children, but when they grow up and get their own lives, we'll be happy for that, too (imagines cosy weekends away in B&Bs . . . )

WilsonFrickett · 28/10/2011 17:40

I now think she's a saint for wanting to come home at all, which is about as much help as a chocolate fireguard, sorry OP! Do you have to stay with the ILs?

I never usually advocate lying but could a fictional girlfriend who is looking after a sick mother and needs DD's company help you smoothe over her absence to the ILs?

PosiesOfPoison · 28/10/2011 17:43

Tell the ILS to suck it up.

ggirl · 28/10/2011 18:35

SansaLannister where do you live where loads of 18yr olds are married???

SansaLannister · 28/10/2011 18:39

I don't care to say, tbh. But it's common enough around here.

FabbyChic · 28/10/2011 18:41

She is 18 years old an adult, let her go for fuck sake and stop treating her like a child, she doesn't have to come home to see you at all if she doesn't want to.

marriedinwhite · 28/10/2011 18:46

Why are you living with the ILS? Where is your husband? Why are you allowing the ILS to call the tune? Why can't you sell your empty house and buy a flat and free up some money to pay for your own children so you are able to live independently and make your own decisions? Is there any likelihood that your ILs will pull the plug on the uni and school fees if you don't dance to their tune? This sounds absolutely awful for you and your children.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 28/10/2011 19:11

Carissa - it sounds like you've done a great job in raising your daughter, so any time your MIL tries to get a snide comment in, just take it for what it is - a power-play based on her own issues and insecurities. Nothing to do with you. :)

Obviously the crux of this whole thing is them, and the fact that you live with them. Is there no way you can move into your own place? Why is it standing empty?

Flatbread - how is it not old-fashioned to have a curfew if it only applies to girls? Hmm

Bellavita · 28/10/2011 19:22

Poor DD and poor you OP.

She will stay away even more if the situation is not managed.

As per BoF, can you say why you don't live in your own house?

pranma · 28/10/2011 19:30

I am afraid yabu-she is 18 not 16 she has offered a very fair reasonable solution and you turned it down.I'd say you have rethought and they can use the house.I remember being 18 and in love-considering parents above bf would have seemed vvu to me then.I tried to remember that when my own dd was 18.i bet her dgp would understand.Guilt trips are never forgotten or fully forgiven.

InsomniaQueen · 28/10/2011 19:31

I remember very clearly going off to uni and being able to do my own thing - coming home and then being (as I saw it) treated like a baby by my parents. The more my parents pushed the less I came home. I would come back to London (where we lived) stay a day or so, lie about needing to be back and then spend a few days with mates. My mothers need to do the whole 'Xmas family thing' was just not as fun as spending time with my boyfriend (harsh but true). This relationship went on for a year and I moved emotionally further away from them - it's taken 8 years, a marriage and a baby on the way to change this......and if I'm honest it's more because DH wants it than anything else.

I do understand why this means a lot to you and can totally see where your stuck between your love for her and the PIL's values but I would caution a 'softly softly' approach as things said or done because of one Xmas can change her feelings about future holidays. One Christmas out of the many more you have to share isn't going to be the end of the world, it will be upsetting but as with all things you will manage in the way that only mothers seem to know how to!!!

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/10/2011 19:32

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It's your house, and your rules. What she is doing is a bit of clever blackmailing, knowing that you want to see her and that by living in your house you will see her - whereas not living in your house means you wont.

Aren't 18 year olds clever?! I'd have tried the same tactic with my mother, she'd have said no and stuck to her guns. Don't feel you have to give in to her. Let her move in with her BF during the week and bite your tongue furiously. You'll see her at the weekends - and probably more in time once she realises she misses the 'happening' town Wink

LydiaWickham · 28/10/2011 19:45

I think you need (when your DD is there!) to sit down and have a frank conversation, pointing out that her GP's are paying her way and that comes with conditions XYZ. She should think over the christmas period if she can abide by these rules when she's in the UK (having months of freedom in between), and if not, does she want you to help her look for other ways to finance her degree?

She's an adult and wants to be treated like one, don't shy away from this conversation. She's been raised in your family and understands the pressures, but if you've always gone along with what the GPs want, she might not understand she has a choice, albeit a hard one. What does your DH feel or is he pretending she's not got the BF and hoping it'll all go away?

What ever she decides, tell her you will back her up, but she can't whinge about having to be in the family home for her holidays if she wants the funding from them. (Although she might take the funding, but not come back in the holidays, Easter holidays are shorter anyway and just before exams, she might choose to stay).