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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend all our savings on a trip to Australia and leave Dh/Dc behind?

213 replies

iMemoo · 27/10/2011 15:09

I'm struggling with this one.

My lovely sister moved to Australia a few years ago with her husband. I miss her desperately and it's starting to get the the point where I just really need to see her.

There is no way they can afford to come over to England any time soon and as a family we really can't afford to go out there.

We have a small amount of money in savings account which, despite being such a small amount, is basically our life savings.

Dh suggested that I use this money to go out and see my sister.

I'm really torn though. I so want to see my sister but it would mean leaving behind Dh and my 3 dc and not seeing them for 3 weeks.

It feels so selfish and indulgent too.

What do I do?

OP posts:
microserf · 27/10/2011 20:50

lady007pink, are you serious? christ almighty, i can't think of a more stupid thing to say to this OP.

OP, all my family live in the Antipodes as well, so I feel qualified to say YABU. I couldn't wipe out all the family savings for this. Start skyping. If you go, you're being selfish. Why would one trip solve this problem? Won't the problem simply start again when you get back?

grovel · 27/10/2011 20:57

microserf, you're a jolly old thing aren't you?

flatbread · 27/10/2011 20:59

Ladypink, that thought did cross my mind too...

Pekka · 27/10/2011 21:00

YANBU! Your husband has told you to go, he will be able to look after the kids. GO!

microserf · 27/10/2011 21:06

I actually thought I was too soft on the OP in my post grovel. I can be more direct next time Grin.

pacificjade · 27/10/2011 21:07

I would go if I were you (and have sent my Aussie DH in similar circumstances). Sometimes you just need to put your own needs first! Go!!!

flatbread · 27/10/2011 21:09

IMemoo,

I wonder if it might be better for you to go rather than have your sis over. She has experienced your life, but you haven't experienced her life in Australia. If you go, you can be a part of her environment, see her place, do what she does. So when you come back and sis says she want to paint the living room blue, or change the kitchen cabinets, or buy some furniture for a space, or eat in a specific cafe, you will know exactly what she is talking about and you can share the moments more intimately.

LydiaWickham · 27/10/2011 21:27

I think a lot of the split on the thread comes from different attitudes towards money and risk.

If you clear out your savings and have no buffer, you are taking a massive risk that something will happen that needs money spending now, and you won't be able to cover it. A lot of people can happily live like that with a "something will come along, I'll worry about it when it happens" attitude so see the family savings as money that it is possible to spend. Others aren't comfortable with this and need a safety net feeling that some money in the bank gives. How much a safety net those people need, will vary, but the idea of having none will give them the heebie jeebies.

OP, you and your DP are obviously in the first camp as you're even considering this. Personally, I'd not be confortable, but then I'm not you.

If you really need to see your sister, i'd go with offering to pay half for her to come back here, it could be that other family members would also chip in.

jumpyjan · 27/10/2011 21:31

OP if I were you I would not worry about how many people think yabu I would only be concerned about the opinion of your DH and he sounds like he has made himself clear.

Noone can understand your situation with regards to your illness, how much you miss your sis etc as much as he can and he is telling you to go. Also its a decision jointly arrived at so you should not look back/shoulder any guilt or blame for the money spent.

Your DH sounds lovely Smile

Original poster
iMemoo · 27/10/2011 21:36

flatbread that's exactly it!!

To see where she is, to have been in her home, walked down her street. So that when she tells me stuff I can visualise it. When I think of her at the moment it's hard because I can't imagine her sat on her couch or cooking in the kitchen because I've never seen it.

OP posts:
Original poster
iMemoo · 27/10/2011 21:43

It's really hard to put into words the sense of lose I feel. I never imagined for a second it would be this bad.

I almost feel bereaved. I never know if I'll ever see her again. My beautiful little sister. They got married out there and their planning to start a family soon. She's going to go through all that and I won't be there for her. When she's been up all night with a new born who will be there to go round and take the baby so she can sleep? I want to be able to put my arms round her and hold her when she's had a bad day.

I love her so much and she's gone :(

OP posts:
GetOrfMo1Land · 27/10/2011 21:58

Oh memoo. You poor love. Sad

Flatbread makes an important point - I think you need to go so you can visualise her life out there.

I really would try and cobble the money together somehow. Your DH sounds ace. I would listen to him if I were you, he is behind you. Please try not to get upset now, and try and focus on planning a date, and looking forward to seeing her.

LydiaWickham · 27/10/2011 22:00

How does she feel? Is it definately a forever move?

She is happy and settled? I guess it's hard for you because while she's missing you, she picked this life.

I don't think going will make the pain any less, it'll just restart again from the second you get on the plane home.

GetOrfMo1Land · 27/10/2011 22:01

Yes that is a danger - a slump when you get back. Oh dear - it must be so hard when people live so bloody far away.

flatbread · 27/10/2011 22:03

You poor love! It hurts, doesn't it? Like a toothache, with a dull ache always in the background with sudden flare ups of intense pain. I feel such a strong longing to see my sis, and am so lucky that I see her every year.

Your lovely dh understands and is letting you go. Just do it, now, and even if you feel guilt later, so be it. Can't be any worse than how you are feeling now.

didldidi · 28/10/2011 09:19

Why don't you wait until she's had a baby? otherwise you might want to go again.

Bloodredrubyblue · 28/10/2011 09:52

This is a tricky one but can you imagine what life would be like if we all just saved up for the moment the roof fell off/the car broke down/the boiler blew up/your leg fell off.

Why eat out when you have food at home? Why go to the cinema when there is a DVD at home? Why celebrate this birthday when you will have another one next year? Hey, why not celebrate a birthday every ten years when you have saved for it? Why buy new toys when a child already has some in their bedroom?

Go IMemoo it is three weeks out of your life and a lifetime of memories for both you and your sister.

In ten years time if you don't go and were sat down and asked "What did you spend that money on?" I bet you wouldn't even remember.

If you do go you can get out the photos and smile......

ScroobiousPip · 28/10/2011 10:19

I think you should go. Before your DSis has a baby, because it may be the last time for a long time that you get to spend time together, just the two of you, uninterrupted by DCs. Just be aware that you will miss your children when you are away and you'll miss DSis when you get back - not trying to put you off but it's good to go with realistic expectations.

Looking for a cheap ticket, it's worth keeping an eye on Round the World deals and also budget airlines like Air Asia as they sometimes have good deals on flights to Oz.

Manathome · 28/10/2011 10:30

I wouldn't, if that is all you have then keep it, you never know what is around he corner. Just tell me though, why has your sister not made any efforts to come and see you she could get a job, much cheaper for her to come to you than vice versa.

Anyway, you could always buy an ipad, the 'Factime' feature that works between iPads, iPhones, iMac e.t.c. is great, my wife is abroad every other week in far off places, she tells the children stories and chats using it, it is clear as a bell. The only problem is you both need one of these devices (and a wifi connection), but then you could always buy her one and send it out, still cheaper than flight tickets and will last a damn site longer than a week or three visiting, not the same but you know what I mean.

BranchingOut · 28/10/2011 10:37

According to this link you can get to Tokyo on a courier flight. Then maybe get an onwards connection?

www.moneymagpie.com/article/get-50-off-flights-be-a-courier

Bloodredrubyblue · 28/10/2011 10:47

In my job as a PA I frequently had to book last minute flights to weird destinations. Expedia is great and also Lastminute.com. I often found it cheaper to book a flight and hotel as part of a package holiday and the directors just wouldn't bother about using the hotel.

Last minute package deals can be real bargains.

GravityDefier · 28/10/2011 10:51

I just wanted to let you know that I got an email from STA travel today and they are offering flights from 579 pounds.

If you decide to go it might be worth checking out!

brdgrl · 28/10/2011 11:32

Just tell me though, why has your sister not made any efforts to come and see you she could get a job, much cheaper for her to come to you than vice versa.
What makes you think that her sister has not GOT a job? I don't see any mention of her sister being unemployed? And anyway, what difference would it make? Perhaps her sister can not afford it any better than OP can...OP and her DH have a bit of money in savings; OP is questioning whether this is a good use of it, sure, but they do have some savings - perhaps the sister has got even less?

I also can't see any sense in meeting halfway, as the ultimate combined cost will not likely be any less, and OP and sister will not be able to have a simple relaxed family visit.

OP, I may be biased. I also live far, far away from my entire family. I prioritize seeing them over other things I (we) could spend money on. Relationships are more important than those other things. Of course you need to make sure your children are cared for - but I don't think you are talking about taking food from your children's mouths, frankly - if you all have to cut corners in a few places to build the savings back up again, it will be worth it to your family. I also don't get the impression you are talking about a 'woo-hoo party time' kind of holiday because you "could use a break" - this seems to be something you need for your actual mental health and well-being.

Get the best deal you can on a ticket, go by yourself, relax, come home rested and happier. You sound like you deserve it and you're a good mum to be so cautious.

Manathome · 28/10/2011 11:46

Why not start saving for the trip instead of dipping into the 'family' safety net, a pound put away here and there could soon add up if you really made the effort and would be even more rewarding, it may take a year or so but better than returning full of beans to the family in a freezing house because you can't afford to fix the heating that broke while you were away!

As for the sister coming over, my point is what effort is she making, why does she not pay half, all very odd that she buggered off over there KNOWING she would be leaving family and now expects her sister to suffer to see her. All selfish from the sisters point of view in my opinion, if I am allowed one on here!

sheeplikessleep · 28/10/2011 13:15

It does make me giggle that everyone thinks savings are for broken boilers or heating. I know these things do go wrong occasionally, but in the last 13 years, ours has never 'broken' .