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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hubby bathing baby

163 replies

Gonzo33 · 25/10/2011 05:38

Ever since our dd was born my husband has refused to bathe her. He loves the bones of her, and does absolutely everything else for her but he won't bathe her (unless I am not home) because he is frightened of being accused of being a paedophile. Fwiw one of his friends was accused in the not too distant past (not guilty I hasten to add - just malicious rumour).

AIBU to think it is a sad society we live in when a child's own father feels that way?

OP posts:

Kayzr · 25/10/2011 05:54

YANBU but I think it's really sad

I don't think anyone can accuse someone of being a pedophile because they bath their children. If he changes nappies, gets them dressed what is the difference?

One of my friends was accused of being a pedophile just for sitting in the park next to where he works eating his lunch on a nice day. It was awful for him.

Original poster

Gonzo33 · 25/10/2011 05:59

Yes Kayzr one of my husbands friends was too (don't know the in's and out's but he was innocent) and it ruined his life literally. I think it is really scarey.

OP posts:

fastweb · 25/10/2011 06:20

And how many fathere has he heard off being accused of such a thing on the basis that he bathes his baby?

Does he change nappies by any chance ?

He might be scared of doing the bath (my least fave bit of early motherhood, was always convinced he would slippery wriggle out of my arm and drown), he might not want to do the bath, but the idea he had put forth makes no sense.

It's like me not watching Top Gear cos I'm afraid of being in a car accident.

Either he has been extremely creative excuse wise, or there is some kind of lurking ishooo causing OTT anxiety about an innocous activitiy.

personally if my DH was backing out of patental washing duties on THAT basis I'd be insisting he sought help, first to see if it was an OTT turbo excuse, and if not, to see if we could get to the root of his odd risk assessment process.

Andrewofgg · 25/10/2011 07:20

Is he just terribly nervous of handling a wet and slippery baby and looking or an excuse? I was nervous first time but you have to overcome it. Insist he does it but be at his elbow until he acquires the confidence he needs.

fastweb · 25/10/2011 07:57

This is really rankling me.

If he is a odd anxiety, ishooo free zone and this was creative excuse making, frankly I think it is vile thing to do.

Pedophilia is a serious issue, not something to be utlized as an "iron clad get out clause".

If you want to know which it is, offer to be right next to him when he washes his child every night, so he can know the joys of wet wriggly baby, free from fear of false accusations cos you were there the whole time (unless you too are at risk of being accused? In which case that baby is going to be very grubby).

And see if he comes up with another outragous excuse.

If he does, well then you know.

If he doesn't, he really should see somebody to help recalibrate his risk sensor.

Hand on heart if my husband used that kind of thing as an excuse I'd have red flags flying all over the place about just how low he was prepared to sink in order to get his own way.

Amateurish · 25/10/2011 08:04

Your DH needs to get a grip and get on with the job. No-one is in a million years going to accuse him of being a paedo.

FearTricksPotter · 25/10/2011 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brianmayshair · 25/10/2011 08:10

So does he do nappies and mind her on his own because if he does that's ridiculous, he is no more likely to be accused of being a paedophile for bathing her than every other activity

manticlimactic · 25/10/2011 08:11

I remember when ex was changing DDs nappy I had to tell him he had to get into all the crevices to make sure she was clean and he said the same thing as your DH Gonzo. Personally (judging by the face he used to pull when he was doing it) that he just wasn't that comfortable with cleaning her girly bits. I was 'Oh for gods sake, get a grip' a few times and he sorted himself out. He did later admit he was just uncomfortable doing it and would have been totally ok with it had DD been a boy!

ionysis · 25/10/2011 08:12

Actually my H is a bit like that with our daughter for the same reasons. He feels mildly uncomfortable about bathing her, although he will change nappies without protest. When I suggested he get in the bath WITH her one night he was almost horrified. He said you hear so many things nowadays about what people consider to be "inappropriate" behaviour with children he just would rather not get into even the most innocent situation which might be misconstrued or seen as dodgy - even with his own child. Funnily enough he was fine about bathing his little boy its just the girls he is uncomfortable with. I think it is more common than you'd think for Dads to feel this way about their little daughters. Just wait till she is a tween!

ionysis · 25/10/2011 08:14

X post - exactly the same with our DD manticlimax with the cleaning girly bits thing. He got used to it but as first was "wtf? really? are you sure? Wil I hurt her?" etc.

exoticfruits · 25/10/2011 08:17

So sad. I would go out at bedtime and he would just have to get on with it. When she gets older go away for a night and he will have to do it.

Whatmeworry · 25/10/2011 08:22

This sounds like creative excuses in this case, but I can see where he is coming from. I would like to see far more women campaigning against this societal assumption that all men are paedos (they can't do it themselves because they are all paedos iyswim) as I have first hand seen the ludicrous things it does to things like sports coaching, scouts, even helping little lost children in shops etc etc.

manticlimactic · 25/10/2011 08:24

ionysis. He used to clean her like he was tickling her with a feather fgs. It used to infuriate me! And agree with the wait til shes a tween. DD is 15 and is always bemoaning the fact he treats her like a baby and is over protective about where she goes and her about boyfriend. I just have to remind her that he was once a teenage boy so cut him some slack!

LadySybil · 25/10/2011 08:25

yes. its a very sad society

dh once refused to change dd's nappy coz she was a girl. he felt it was weird. but not for reasons as black and white as your dh. fortunately he got over himself soon.

Amateurish · 25/10/2011 08:27

Has anyone ever actually been accused of being a paedo for bathing / nappy changing their kids? Ever?

ionysis · 25/10/2011 08:28

The helping lost children is completely right - H said to me not long ago he saw a little girl on her own crying in a mall and wanted to go and see what was wrong but because he was on his own and male he didn't dare to. So he asked a middle aged lady and her daughter to go over and give her a cuddle and ask if she was lost instead. Really sad.

fastweb · 25/10/2011 08:33

I think it is more common than you'd think for Dads to feel this way about their little daughters

I think there is a world of difference between a wibble requiring reassurance that a proper clean is totally appropriate, and an outright refusal to give a baby a bath when wife is in the house, on the basis of a risk of false accusations..

fastweb · 25/10/2011 08:35

Has anyone ever actually been accused of being a paedo for bathing / nappy changing their kids? Ever?

Pretty sure it would have been all over the daily mail if they had.

KatAndKit · 25/10/2011 08:35

So if the baby was a boy, you would be able to pass all bathing duties over to him because you don't want to be accused of being a paedophile??

Thought not.

Whatmeworry · 25/10/2011 08:36

Has anyone ever actually been accused of being a paedo for bathing / nappy changing their kids? Ever?

Our kids were babies just after the whole child abuse frenzy in the late 80's, and fathers were being pulled in for all sorts of imagined abuses. It's hard to describe to people today the stupidity that went on then, but it rattled parents then I can tell you.

GypsyMoth · 25/10/2011 08:38

Ffs!! He needs to get a grip!!

exoticfruits · 25/10/2011 08:40

I think that you just force it-hand him the dirty baby and go out.

seeker · 25/10/2011 08:46

"yes. its a very sad society"

No it isn't. It only feels that you read the Daily Mail, or the more bonkers ends of Mumsnet.

Original poster

Gonzo33 · 25/10/2011 08:47

ionysis that is exactly the situation. My husband is a great father in every other way. He gives her (and the others) the time and attention they need. Will spend hours reading to them all, together, and individually. He will dress her, change her nappies, that kind of thing.

In relation to our responsibilities when he is home (he works away a lot) he will do 50% of the housework, apart from bathe DD. There have been a couple of situations where he has had to bathe her when I have been in hospital (minor operations) and he has got on with it.

[hgrin] and no lurking ishoo that I know about apart from his friend who was accused of it (falsely) whilst I was pg with dd.

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