Hubby bathing baby

[Gonzo33]

Ever since our dd was born my husband has refused to bathe her. He loves the bones of her, and does absolutely everything else for her but he won't bathe her (unless I am not home) because he is frightened of being accused of being a paedophile. Fwiw one of his friends was accused in the not too distant past (not guilty I hasten to add - just malicious rumour).

AIBU to think it is a sad society we live in when a child's own father feels that way?

Whilst sheesh is a fair point, obviously.

It still doesn't make any sense in the context of fear of accusation.

He is only doing it at the time when any fictionalised accusation could be plausible.

He is either fearful of accusation or he is uncomfortable doing it. They are not the same thing.

You are painting quite a picture with your sighing and sheeshing.
Ionysis

Is the next step an attack of the vapours

I get that that's the 'reason'. But it makes no sense.

A baby never came to any harm from not having a bloody bath for a few days

If I was afraid of being labelled a paedophile, then the last thing I would do would be bathe a child while alone. The child would just have to stay grubby.

His 'fear' is totally irrational and doesn't stand up to scrutiny. It is illogical. If your fear is being accused of something, so you don't do it - but you do do it when you HAVE to do it - then you are still doing it! If you only do it when you have to, then nobody will accuse you of anything? It doesn't make sense.

Yes, he will bathe her when I am not there because he has to as I am not there to do it.

Most babies don't need a bath every day,, and normally she isn't but she is a mucky mare so we have to wash her hair every day or the food would multiply.

So, he clearly can do it but choses not to.

It is something other than fear of accusation. I would be curious to figure out what.

So then he could be accused of being a paedophile anyway.

So what's the difference?

In his mind, I mean.

Is there some special rule that says you have immunity from accusations if you bathe a child while you're alone cos you have to?

Don't you see that his fear is - senseless, illogical, doesn't hold water

So who is it that is going to accuse him of paedophilia? Your daughter is too young to voice such an accusation. You clearly don't think he is a paedophile. So according to him, who does?

So are most fears.

Christ knows all he says to me is he wouldn't like to be accused of what his mate was. Maybe it was just the awfulness (is that even a word) of what happened to his friend who now feels tarred for life.

Personally I do also think it is ludicrous, which is why I was wanting to guage opinion as well. I do also think it is sad. Trying to convince him otherwise is not working. He never talks about his own upbringing. I think him and his siblings had quite a prudish upbringing, whereas until I was in my early teens my family used to walk round in the nude. This is something else he won't do, so maybe it is related to how he was brought up as well as the treatment of his friend, even after everyone found out it was a malicious lie.

And I don't think the OP meant her husband is LITERALLY afraid or belives someone is going to come and knock on their door and arrest him for abusing their daughter if he gives her a bath. Just that he feels awkward about it and that is could be seen my some nasty minded people as being dodgy so he doesn't like to do it.

My husband doesn't think anyone is actually going to arrest him or acuse him of being a child molester, he just feels uncomfortable because these days everything seems to have a veneer of to it. Did you not see the guy in the paper last month who was stopped by security in a mall for photographing HIS OWN daughter? Or the parents who were investigated because Walmart had reported "child porn" in their snaps of the kids mucking about at bathtime naked?

Have you pointed out that if someone were to say
" so you only bathe your DD when the two of you are alone in the house"
is more rather than less likely to raise eyebrows (amongst the very odd section of the population who consider bathing a likely pedophile scenario)
Or would he stop altogether.

Just curious. You seem content that he just struggles with this so maybe you are right to let it be.

ionysis you put it so much better than me. He does not think that someone is literally going to knock on the door and arrest him. He is just concerned/worried/mithered. However you wish to phrase it.

They are indeed, ionysis. Which is why you have to challenge them. Why you have to examine your fears and the reason behind them and deal with it.

I used to be phobic about needles. - totally irrational fear. I needed surgery. I was willing to die rather than have a cannula. Totally irrational. Fear without reason. I had cbt. To change it.

You just cannot say I am afraid therefore I will never do anything ever to challenge my fear, my feelings, my thoughts or my assumptions.

You have to turn and face your fears. Understand them. Remove their power over you.

But ionysis, those two random and extreme cases were in the paper because they were so ridiculous.

It hate to think that parts of society think that inhibiting natural contact with ones children is appropriate reaction to extreme and rare events.

To be fair Pagwatch and I should have said this at the start. He is never alone in the house regardless of whether or not I am there because we have a 10 year old ds. I have said that to him though, and he just shrugged and said "but I have to do it then"

Your DH is an idiot.

Who does he think is going to report him?
Most of society doesn't think like this, not educated people anyway.

I'll concede he is an idiot on this subject but he is lovely in every other way

OP, he seems to be a model dad in so many ways, why jump on this one wibble of his? Especially given the experience of his friend?

Let s/he who is without sin etc.....

(And you need to know that this whole paedophile hysteria is very real, the stuff DH had to go through as a parent coaching weekend sport to 10y/o boys scared me, never mind him.)

Well you seem content with it. So much so that I kind of wonder why you asked.

Having been abused I would not accept his behaviour. I would have a major issue if my dh was layering issues around paedophilia across his relationship with our children. Especially in such an inconsistent way. And refusing to talk about it.

That's a fair point whatmeworry.

But I think coaching is such a difficult area because it is physical intimacy with no parents.
Surely bathing your own baby while your partner is in the same room should be fairly risk free (accusation wise)

Hmmm.

Now my earlier post didn't read well.

I would be concerned because a natural, open healthy, intimate relationship with her father was IMO the very best protection for her from abuse.

Gonzo33

Who accused his mate and was it connected to bathtime?

If this is "ishoo" based (and such an over reaction does come under the umbrella of ishoo) then it needs to be worked through.

Unless you want your child to potentially grow up under the merky cloud of a father going on to withdraw to an even greater extent as she grows, based on fear of being seen as a person who sexually attracted to his own child.

I am the (formerly teenage) child who had a mother who made an utterly false accusation of paternal sexual interest.

So I know false accusations are not impossible.

But we as parents have to keep perspective and fight back agaisnt fears and feelings that don't make a whole lot of sense nonetheless, and sort out anything irrational or demonstrates skewed risk aversion that is not "small potatoes league" becuase our children need us to.

It's one thing for your kids to pick up a parental irrational fear of large hairy spiders.

It's another for them to grow up sensing something is "off" or withheld in their relationship with a parent, becuase the parent is afraid of being seen as too close or sexually predatory.

And your husband needs to sort it out for his own sake too. He needs to work out if he is over compsating becuase he has doubts about his friend's innocence and feels dislyoal for having those feelings, there is something lurking in his past triggering it, or he has started to view "society" as a bit too dangerous and unpredicatable on a personal level.

Nobody can be feeling well chipper and at peace when they are lugging around a signifcant fear that an false accusation of a horrible, vile crime against their own child is a real possibility.

And it is not a healthy fog to hang over the family in any way shape or form.

^Who does he think is going to report him?
Most of society doesn't think like this, not educated people anyway^

MOST may not but you still get mobs of people who do have extreme and irrational reactions. And many people are not educated and are idiots. When my hyusband lived in the SW of engliand a guy had his house vanmdalised because he was a - get this - pediatrician. Local morons got confused and assumed because it started with "ped" he must be a child abuser....true story!

Exactly Fastweb.

You said what I was trying and failing to articulate.

That fog of unspoken things and difficult boundaries was the element that left me open to abuse. The 'don't talk about it -it's difficult' being the very worst element.

Eh?

How is anyone going to know he bathes his baby daughter unless he (or you) tell them? Or does he expect her to get onto Childline and report him

I do think that the world can sometimes seem a bit crazy regarding men and children but I think he's being a bit OTT.