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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby bathing baby

163 replies

Gonzo33 · 25/10/2011 05:38

Ever since our dd was born my husband has refused to bathe her. He loves the bones of her, and does absolutely everything else for her but he won't bathe her (unless I am not home) because he is frightened of being accused of being a paedophile. Fwiw one of his friends was accused in the not too distant past (not guilty I hasten to add - just malicious rumour).

AIBU to think it is a sad society we live in when a child's own father feels that way?

OP posts:
chickswithbricks · 25/10/2011 10:34

"Did you not see the guy in the paper last month who was stopped by security in a mall for photographing HIS OWN daughter?"

Yes I did but I don't see the relevance. He was told not to take photos inside a shopping centre as part of anti terrorism policy, not because of anti child abuse policy. That there was a child in the pictures was irrelevant. You may not agree with the policy but its got nothing to do with baths, daughters or paedophiles.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 10:34

God my typing is getting worse and worse.

Journey · 25/10/2011 10:36

"AIBU to think it is a sad society we live in when a child's own father feels that way?"

It's not society. It's your DH. I think it is an odd thing for your DH to say. Why is he specifically focusing on the bathing of your DD? It all sounds a bit strange to me.

biddysmama · 25/10/2011 10:40

i remember when dd was born and there were all those nooks and crannys and i was uncomfortable at first and she has the same things i do, i can understand a man being uncomfortable aswell.. if i have a bath then te dc's get in with me, or dh baths them (started when i was heavily pregnant and couldnt manage it) but sometimes they want to get in with him and he wears his trunks because he is uncomfortable being naked in the bath with them.

Original poster
Gonzo33 · 25/10/2011 10:42

Pagwatch I asked really because I think he is over-worrying about something that will never happen. Mainly because I know him as a loving husband, and father. He is literally the kindest person I know (apart from maybe my own Dad). I think he is being a bit daft, but I do know that the situation with his friend worried him. I can't give the circumstances of that on here as I may out myself.

OP posts:
Georgimama · 25/10/2011 10:43

I think it is absolutely tragic that a man feels he has to wear swimming trunks to share a bath with his children, I really do.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 10:45

My H would wear trunks too. Definitely. But while I'd happily skip round naked all day long he is the "towel round the waist" type.

Pagwatch · 25/10/2011 10:46

Ok.
So what do you think. Particularly in the light of Fastwebs excellent comments which, from personal experience, I can assure you are spot on.

Pagwatch · 25/10/2011 10:47

Bloody Nora.

That is really sad. Trunks in the bath with your child?

Mumsnet rarely shocks the hell out of me anymore, but that does.

biddysmama · 25/10/2011 10:48

the difference between my dh and myself is that i was brought up with a little nudity, i used to sit and talk to my mum while she was bathing, we used the toilet while people were in the bath etc, dh's parents are older (the same age as my grandparents) and didnt do that. i walk round naked, he doesnt fel comfortable doing it,i hardly ever see him naked and we are married! so its not just around the children.

fastweb · 25/10/2011 10:49

Pagwatch

I think there might be another element too.

It's difficult to capture with words cos it is elusively flitting around my head.

If a father uses threat of accusation as a barrier to being as fully active "hands on" a parent to their daughter (especially in contrast to their son) then is there the potential of inadvertantly creating an aura of sexulization of their baby girls ?

Because contact with the baby girl is being "risked out" within a sexual context.

You'd need a proper shrink like person to work out to what extent the above is or is not the case, but that is my knee jerk sensation.

Certainly the baby girl isn't being framed in a sexually nutral manner in that sort of scenario.

Original poster
Gonzo33 · 25/10/2011 10:53

I think Pagwatch I need to talk to him again and persuade him he is not going to be labelled a paedophile by anyone here because he bathes and changes the nappy of his baby girl.

Clearly my husband and I conflict (we don't argue over it I just don't understand) which is why what I was probably really asking was "Does anyone elses husband or so feel the same way"

OP posts:
fastweb · 25/10/2011 10:56

I can't give the circumstances of that on here as I may out myself.

You don't have to out yourself, it can be generic

the accuser was

A) a child

b) accused man's child

c) spouse

d) relative

e) authority figure

and

was the accusation based ( claims of opportunity for eg)in any way on the accused being an hands on parent.

a) yes

b) no

Original poster
Gonzo33 · 25/10/2011 11:00

Work colleague and yes

OP posts:
FangBang · 25/10/2011 11:06

DH was sexually abused and would not get in the bath with DC. He did not like changing/bathing or being photographed in any way that could be misinterpreted. He was terrified of being accused of paedophilia.

Not all abused children remeber it or admit it. Just saying that this fear does not make him a liar/loon/lazy father.

fastweb · 25/10/2011 11:15

Work colleague and yes

And was this accusation along the lines of

  1. you bath your baby! You pervy peodo perve to end all peodo perves?

  2. "Hello SS, there is this bloke in my work that baths his baby, and I suspect abuse, can you go around and save the child? Oh you can. Marvellous."

What I am trying to acertain is was the accusation some idiot making comments in the workplace based on their Daily Mail Froth-o-Monitor outlook on life, or was it an accusation that was investigated/taken to court based on nothing more substantial than "man baths his baby"?

Original poster
Gonzo33 · 25/10/2011 11:23

It was an accusation investigated based on nothing more substantial than "man baths his baby" from what I know. I do know for sure that the case did not proceed to court but because the person who called the police also gobbed it around the community the man in question had to be transferred from his place of work to another. It also affected his marriage and other area's.

OP posts:
seeker · 25/10/2011 11:28

."It was an accusation investigated based on nothing more substantial than "man baths his baby" from what I know. I do know for sure that the case did not proceed to court but because the person who called the police also gobbed it around the community the man in question had to be transferred from his place of work to another. It also affected his marriage and other area's."

I think the "from what I know" is the most significant phrase in post!

SpookhettiTwirlerAndProud · 25/10/2011 11:33

Blimey that is sad. Ever since day 7 or 8ish our DD has gone in the big bath with DP. Much easier than using the baby bath! No-ones accused him of being a pedophile, and a lot of people know we do this!

Original poster
Gonzo33 · 25/10/2011 11:33

Well, he wasn't formally charged and it didn't go to court. After the initial incident everything was kept confidential except for the people who were party to the allegation. It would not have been made public property because of who and where we are.

OP posts:
Bubbaluv · 25/10/2011 11:35

OP - it does sounds like there might be something else in your DH's past that is exacerbating his reaction here.

If not, however, he might find it helpful to look at some of the articles on freerangekids.wordpress.com/

There's lots of talk about the importance of overcoming the modern tendency toward "worst-first-thinking" - not just for your own benefit as a parent, but for the sake of raising balanced, confident, capable children. It is good at pointing out how a lot of us hear stories of terrible things happening and change our behaviour to prevent that happening to us instead of recognizing that it was only ever a newsworthy story because it was extreme AND rare. Sounds like exactly what your DH is doing.

Anyway - I don't understand why bathing is more "risky" than nappy changing.

Whatmeworry · 25/10/2011 11:38

But I think coaching is such a difficult area because it is physical intimacy with no parents. Surely bathing your own baby while your partner is in the same room should be fairly risk free (accusation wise)

Pag, in the UK, once the accusation of child abuse is made, then the whole state machinery swings into action and everyone seems to assume the person is guilty - the accused can be removed from their children, work colleagues and employers shun them and they are suspended pending the case if they work with kids, friends and the public in general are appalled (houses defaced, etc etc).

It seems nuts, but its very real. The impact is huge, and one (not very substantial) accusation is all it can take. I was very unhappy with DH's decision to coach, but DS2 was rugby mad.

OP's husband's fear may be groundless in her case, but it is not irrational.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 11:41

Love this bubbaluv: "importance of overcoming the modern tendency toward "worst-first-thinking". Totally agree.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 11:43

I think nappy changing can be seen as inherently "un-sexual" purely because of the urinary / excremental bit!!

PrincessScrumpy · 25/10/2011 11:43

my fil used to run from the room when dd was being bathed for same reason. Now she's 3 and in the summer - one of the few hot days - she ran around pil's garden starkers after taking off her swim suit. I think he finally realised that it's ok and I don't think he's looking at her like that!