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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby bathing baby

163 replies

Gonzo33 · 25/10/2011 05:38

Ever since our dd was born my husband has refused to bathe her. He loves the bones of her, and does absolutely everything else for her but he won't bathe her (unless I am not home) because he is frightened of being accused of being a paedophile. Fwiw one of his friends was accused in the not too distant past (not guilty I hasten to add - just malicious rumour).

AIBU to think it is a sad society we live in when a child's own father feels that way?

OP posts:
NoMoreWineForMeThen · 25/10/2011 08:51

How sad.
DH and DD sometimes take a bath together. I'll be sad when she is too old to do so as it's so lovely to see.

fastweb · 25/10/2011 08:54

No it isn't. It only feels that you read the Daily Mail

Agreed.

It seems that "fear of being accused of being a Peodo hysteria" rivals "Peodo hysteria".

My husband has helped lost children, changed the nappy of a cousins's female baby on several occasions, regularly can be found playing footie with our son and a load of 11yo friends of DS and is in sole charge at least 80% ofmthe time when son's gang of mates is over here, including driving them here and home.

He is yet to be accused of anything.

Probably cos the risk of accusations is miniscule if you are not a peado.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 08:56

Gonzo - my H too is brilliant with DD - he is a SAHD so there is absolutely no "excuse" or "shirking" involved here. Just feels the same as your H.

(Unsurprised that there is the usual trickle of "dad must just be trying to wriggle out of his responsibilities and foist it all on the woman because men are all evil liars and have no valid feelings" on MN after alll!)

seeker · 25/10/2011 08:57

Don't forget "and the more bonkers end of mumsnet"' fastweb!

fastweb · 25/10/2011 08:58

and no lurking ishoo that I know about apart from his friend who was accused of it (falsely

And was this a bath related (false) accusation?

That caused some kind wonky risk assessment bath related phobia?

Because otherwise, why no issue with the nappy changing ?

fastweb · 25/10/2011 08:59

Sorry seeker.

Shakirasma · 25/10/2011 09:01

He needs to get it into his head that is is a necessary part of parenting a baby and just get on with it.

I can understand his concern after what his friend went through but he needs to get past it. babies need washing, it would be neglectful not to do so.

Sadly not all babies have a mother, how does he think widowered fathers keep their babies clean?

EricNorthmansMistress · 25/10/2011 09:05

He's being mad. No sane person believes that a father bathes his daughter for any reason other than parental care. Does he believe that someone will get wind of it and accuse him of abusing his daughter by bathing her? I cannot fathom the logic. Nobody will know he's giving her a bath except you, and presumably you don't think he's a paedophile. He could be abusing his daughter in any situation, not only the bath, so really if he's that paranoid he shouldn't be alone with her (or any of his children, paedophiles don't tend to have a gender prefereance) ever.

I have no patince for this nonsense and no patience for people who decry the sad state of society without even questioning why this man is behaving so oddly. WTF does 'society' have to do with this family's bath time arrangements?

fastweb · 25/10/2011 09:06

how does he think widowered fathers keep their babies clean?

Given the apparently elevated risk of accusations I sumise those babies are washed by SS. While the father in the nick for his umteenth accusation of being a peodo that month. Cos washed his kid rather than leave it all grubby.

Pagwatch · 25/10/2011 09:06

He needs to get over it.

To have an irrational concern is one thing. To live your life according to an irrational concern is ridiculous.

If you want to help prevent a girl being a victim of paedophillia then encourage a normal loving relationship with her father where she learns about closeness without any boundaries being crossed.

Fear od accusation seems the least likely issue here to be honest.

ladyintheradiator · 25/10/2011 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chickswithbricks · 25/10/2011 09:08

YABU to think that a reasonable and proportionate response to 'society' is making him feel like this. It is not a 'sad society', its a personal issue which he needs help with.

Why does he bath her if you are out? Why does he cuddles her, change her nappy and dress her?

MrBloomsNursery · 25/10/2011 09:15

Well, I think it depends on what kind of mind your partner has. My DH has never had an issue with bathing DD or changing her nappy. Infact, his reasons for NOT doing it have always been pretty straightforward: Doesn't want to get wet from splashes/nappies are stinky/Doesn't think DD needs a bath Hmm....

To go to the lengths of saying that "I don't want to bathe DD because people will think I'm a paedophile" is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I don't understand how a father can even think like this.

Original poster
Gonzo33 · 25/10/2011 09:18

ionysis I'm glad I'm not the only one with a dh that feels that way.

Everyone else. Thanks for your input. I do feel sad that my dh feels that way, and I too do think he is a little bonkers for feeling that way but he does. As I have said he doesn't shirk any other responsibilities, and my dd and I are quite accustomed to having a bath together now anyway.

OP posts:
ionysis · 25/10/2011 09:24

fgs can the OP's husband not be allowed valid feelings without being acused of being "mad" or lazy or "needing help"?!

He finds it uncomfortable to bath his little girl. He DOES do it when required but would prefer his wife to do it when she is there because it makes him feel odd because society and the media so highlights the near-hysteria these days surrounding "inappropriate" child-adult relationships and the sexualisation of almost every aspect of our world.

He isn't letting the child get dirty and caked in filth because he won't wash her. He isn't shirking his responsibilties as a father. He is just wary and uncomfortable bathing the baby. That's how he FEELS.

The OP wasn't saying "Isn;t my H a bastard because he neglects our baby because of X Y Z". She was making a comment about whethere his FEELINGS are reasonable given the context of the society in which we live.

My response would be, feelings are never "unreasonable" - he feels how he feels. I also don't think its uncommon for men to be aware and wary of their interactions with their own children especislly when they are naked / in a situation which COULD be seen to be sexualised by the more frothy-mouthed among us.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 09:28

I can;t really understand my husband's feelings either and think its silly but he feels how he feels so I bathe her. Not a problem. I think he will be just as "funny" when she gets a little older and is running around naked in the garden. God knows how he will handle it when she first gets her period! I think he's just not very god with "girl stuff" like that. He doesn't have sisters which might have something to do with it. His "women" experiences are basically all girlfriend / sex related or just friends (so no nudity!). The idea of other female human beings without clothes on is kind of "Er... ".

fastweb · 25/10/2011 09:28

I don't understand how a father can even think like this

With a little research I have found just one that I think makes sense.

I googled and many "pro dad" "dads for justice" sites make claims about mothers falsly accusing fathers of abuse of the children and cite bath ti e as one of the oppotunities used to comit said abuse.

So I guess if you were married to a woman you didn't trust as far as you could throe her, percived as a manipulative, liar and had turned to "pro dad" groups for advice and info....you might come away with distinct lack of desire to give the kids a bath without independant and utterly reliable wittnesses present and acting a soap dish.

But so far that is the bulk of what I've found.

Given the living room needs a good clean...I'll go search some more in full procrastination mode.

fastweb · 25/10/2011 09:29

oh dear

complete and utter spelling fail above.

opps

fastweb · 25/10/2011 09:31

That's how he FEELS

Then it is time to stop relying on irrational feelings as his compass and start THINKING.

Being a parent requires that of you.

chickswithbricks · 25/10/2011 09:32

He does shirk the responsibility of owing his own completely irrational ideas by blaming society. He is also shirking responsibility of modeling a normal daddy daughter relationship for his dd. If he is like this with a baby whats he going to be like with a 13 yo with knockers?

I have never seen the media or society express that notion that dads shouldn't bath their kids in case someone else (who? who is a witness to bathtime?) should think that baths are sexual.

MrBloomsNursery · 25/10/2011 09:33

Well what kind of people do these men mix with, that they are accused of abusing their own child by giving them a bath? It's the company they keep. What kind of person shouts "abuse" when they see a father bathe their child.

Georgimama · 25/10/2011 09:33

I don't understand this at all. He won't bath the baby unless you aren't there? Who is it he thinks is going to accuse him of paedophilia if he baths her - you? Because there's no one else who is going to know about his bathtime activities. Is that really what he thinks of you?

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 25/10/2011 09:43

surely if his fear was of being accused of being a paedophile, and that is why he won't bathe her - then the very LAST time he'd do it would be when you weren't there. Confused

Bathing baby while you are in the house - no
Bathing baby when you are not in the house - yes

I won't do it unless you are out because I am worried I will be accused of ...

It makes no sense at all. Not one single bit.

If he had this fear, then the very last thing he would do would be to bathe the baby while you were away/in hospital/whatever. Surely, by his own logic, that just leaves him more open? He was alone.

I am just trying to understand the logic behind his argument, because there doesn't seem to be any.

ionysis · 25/10/2011 09:46

sigh.

he will do it when she isn;t there because it has to be done. But he'd rather not so if she is home he would prefer she did it

sheesh!

Georgimama · 25/10/2011 09:48

Stick your "sigh" and your "sheesh" ionysis. A baby doesn't actually need to be bathed every single day without fail, I'm surprised if he is that worried about being accused that he prefers to do it with no one around. That part simply doesn't make any kind of sense.

I think he just doesn't want to bath her (worried about dropping her perhaps) and has said this because it seems like an unarguable get out.