Hubby bathing baby

[Gonzo33]

Ever since our dd was born my husband has refused to bathe her. He loves the bones of her, and does absolutely everything else for her but he won't bathe her (unless I am not home) because he is frightened of being accused of being a paedophile. Fwiw one of his friends was accused in the not too distant past (not guilty I hasten to add - just malicious rumour).

AIBU to think it is a sad society we live in when a child's own father feels that way?

ionysis - If you like that, you'll love the website. They are on Facebook too and do so really interesting posts (miracle of all miracles!)

Bubbaluv thanks for that, I will show it to him when he gets back. It might reassure him a little.

Whatmeworry you might be right, it might have been him seeing the reaction of people that had known his friend years without knowing the full facts and seeing the investigation coming to a conclusion.

I find this really, really bizarre and bonkers. I had sons so the issue never arose but dp did 50% (if not more) of the care of his dd and it never occurred to him that his nappy changing or bathing of her could be misconstrued as paedophilia.

As it happens, ds2 was the first person to change his own daughter's nappy because ddil was still woozy from an unexpected, emergency caesarian delivery. He continues to change nappies and take baths with her and why not?

Dh and I are foster carers. A few years ago the parents of one young girl (2 years) tried to accuse dh of abusing their dd when they found out he was bathing her. Fortunately we were very aware of the need to keep ourselves safe and had folowed all the guidelines. After that dh did refuse to bath girls if I wasn't in the house but I can't say I blamed him.

I think in some ways this does also seem to be linked to what was "normal" in your own childhood too. Whether your parents were of the "happy naturist" type or the "do not dare look at your own naked body you sinful child!" variety. Clearly personal experience of sexual abuse would also seriously colour your perceptions of what was or was not getting close to crossing a line.

ChooChooWowWow - that is really awful, I feel so sorry for you and your poor husband especially when you are doing such a wonderful thing by taking in those children.

It did make me think though how I would feel to have a "strange" man, or in fact any man other than my husband bathing my little girl and I have to say I didn't like the thought AT ALL.

Perhaps that is also an indictment against our sexualised society as much as OP's husband's fears... or maybe I am wierd and unreasonable too.

ChooChooWowWow that is an awful thing to happen, and I can completely understand why your husband would feel that way.

I think you're right ionysis.

ionysis I think you are right it is unfortunately a sad sign of our times. If I am completely honest I would also be uncomfortable in the same situation.

It's just one of the more tricky aspects of our job. There are lots of single male carers/parents who have no choice but to get on with it.

I find this really, really bizarre and bonkers

It absolutely is, but its a very dangerous sort if bizarre if you fall foul of these laws.

I think most of the posters on this thread have never come face to face with these laws - when you do it totally changes your viewpoint.

I still think that the best way is to tell him that he is an equal parent and therefore he does all parts (bar the bfeeding). If you were rushed into hospital tomorrow how is he going to cope? Just hand him the baby and go out-leave him to it.

thats not society, thats the very odd oddball.

And theres no need for the H word in the title.

OP is your husband of the mistaken belief that only men abuse their daughters, or are accused of abuse? Does he not realise that women abuse sons too?

Yet if a mother refused to bathe her son lest she be accused of being a paedophile, she would get absolutely no sympathy from some of the posters here who are being absurdly indulgent to your husband's feelings.

God help these little girls when they grow up though. Sounds like these men will turn into frothing berserkers if a boy so much as looks at them.....

I doubt if he actually expects the police to smash their way in and arrest him for 'bathing a baby' - it's not as simple as that.

It might be that he feels he must evaluate everything he does against a 'code of conduct' that exists only in the minds of Daily Mail readers and some MNers and that the very act of having to think that way makes him uncomfortable.

The madness is not just in his head. We've seen people questioned by the police for taking a picture of their baby in the bath. We've seen long threads about reporting neighbours because their toddler is naked in their garden.

In my case I walk daily for exercise. I can sit on any one of a number of benches if I get tired but I don't sit on the one facing the children's play area.
Why not? Because I've seen the posters on here saying "There is a man who sometimes sits on a bench near the children's play area. Should I have him arrested?". Now it hardly matters which one I sit on anyway so not much of a hardship, but the principle is very disturbing. It doesn't matter if there are only a few of these loons. Once you get it into your head it has spoilt what was perfectly innocent.

I once caught my brother swilling my niece up and down in the bath being a train because she had a poo and it was in his description "in there!" I asked him what he proposed to do every time she had a bowel movement was to run her to a bath, wipe the excess off then slide her up and down a bath wiggling her legs?>!

Turned out he was frightened of hurting her as her little bits where obviously tiny and his hands are like shovels. I showed him easy way of cleaning her and he did it the next time but still used to ask me to do it if I was in. He wasnt concerned about being accused of being inappropriate but he was terrified of hurting her. He is dsypraxic and doesnt have much dexterity and was a bit worried incase he was heavy handed. A lot of it is confidence once he faces his fear, gains confidence in his own abilities he should feel better.

Excellent post onagar

I don't know which of you is worse - your DH for being so ridiculous or you for tolerating this. The pair of you are Bonkers.

Totally with Onagar - I just didn't want to be the first man to put his head above the parapet on this and be accused of being lazy or having issues.

I felt pretty much the same as OPs DH at first.

It's not an uncommon feeling among men.

.. and if he was worried about being accused of inappropriate behaviour surely he'd bathe her when you're at home, not when you're not there!

It absolutely is, but its a very dangerous sort if bizarre if you fall foul of these laws.

It is both dangerous and bizarre for a child to grow up in an atmosphere of parental "hands off" becuase he is too scared of being accused of child abuse to take part in perfectly normal contact with her.

Does anybody really think that is healthy and he should be left unchallenged to at least get his risk assessent meter recalibrated, with councelling if needs be?

I think most of the posters on this thread have never come face to face with these laws

Which speaks volumes for the micorscopically small risk involved and the extent to which a hands off policy in the family home is wildly put of proportion to the percived threat.

So far the only poster who has produced a father accused of abuse on the basis of nothing more that giving his child a bath is the OP, and even she added the modifier "as far as I know".

I can quite see why coaching and fostering have an increased risk of accusations, which makes it a bit like comparing apples and oranges using those examples to comprehend a parent's withdrawal from perfectly normal contact with his daughter when he has no reason to believe his wife, overwelmingly ststistically the most likely contender to make a false accusation, would do such a thing.

I don't think this status quo should go unchallenged and be reframed as the new "normal".

It can't be good for the man involved to lug around this exagerated fear all the time, and it sure as hell won't offer any benefits to his little girl. Becuase on some level he percieves his degree of paternal contact with her as a potential threat to his mental health, family and happiness.

She is a baby, who is being held at arms length in some contexts like she is some kind of ticking timebomb that could explode in his face if he doesn't ring fence his contact with her.

That is a big burden for such a tiny person to have thrust on her.

It can't be good for the man involved to lug around this exagerated fear all the time, and it sure as hell won't offer any benefits to his little girl. Becuase on some level he percieves his degree of paternal contact with her as a potential threat to his mental health, family and happiness.

I agree with that - it's not good for anyone involved. I think the only thing we disagree on is the original cause. I think our society has been poisoned by a minority of people who went from a sensible concern for children to a paranoid fear and hate of men.

There are people going around saying as though it were normal that men shouldn't be allowed on the beach/in the park/near schools/at the swimming pool/in shops. Because there are children there and you can't be too careful.

They would have influence anyway because they shout the loudest, but in the past they have been allowed to get away with it by people who were unsure what to say. Who didn't want to argue with someone who clearly had the kids best interest at heart.

That I'm glad to say is changing and ridiculous claims are more likely to be challenged now, but the damage has been done and will take time to heal.

I agree onagar. I am glad that my grandfather is no longer around, he got a lot of pleasure in his 80's talking to small children and would have been amazed to find it miscontrued.(and very upset).

I think the only thing we disagree on is the original cause. I think our society has been poisoned by a minority of people who went from a sensible concern for children to a paranoid fear and hate of men.

Where as I think it is more an over representation of the few ugly cases where a great wrong has been done being presented as "par for the course" in some quarters of the "pile 'en high, flog 'em cheap" media in collusion with few organisations who find it hard to resist bias to the power of 65 squillion.

By the same people who flog "ped hysteria" with the same sort of hyperbole and gusto.

In all these years, and I am 43 now, I have never met another human who had a parent falsly accused of acting in an untoward sexual manner with them.

I know it can't just be me. I know it is not the easiest thing in the world to admit even when somebody has put the issue on the table and is evidently sympathic about the fall out. But not one.

People who have felt comfortable enough to confide in me about actual abuse in their past however, number in the high tens.

So I'm having a hard time accepting there are so many people like me out there, but oddly we are so much more ashamed than actual victims of abuse, that we keep our traps shut, even to each other?

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad there aren't that many of us. It is not the tragedy actual abuse is, but still not exactly a walk in the park making posies, singing "tra la lah".

So the fewer the better, no?

Over the last (counts on fingers

Over the last (counts on fingers

I have no idea what I was about to say there.

Just a thought:

A few weeks ago, there was a thread where a mother almost accused her husband of being a pedophiler because he said that the new pants his 5 year-old son was modeling was sexy. He later gave him a bath and the mother was "uncomfortable" and questioned the father further to the point where he did ask her if she thought he was being a pedo.

She did say that he has done nothing in the past to warrant those "uncomfortable" thoughts.

My DH is a SAHD. We were forced to call the police when our drunken neighbour started hammering on the wall shouting that DH was a paedophile.

He has felt uncomfortable a few times at toddler groups. There was one wee girl who once followed him into the toilets when he was changing DD's nappy, and had a pee without closing the cubicle door. Then she went on for weeks "you saw me in the toilet". That sort of thing could get misconstrued.