to think a 14 year old can share sweets

[GoodAndBluts]

My 14 year old step sister visited today with my mum and step dad. Usually we visit when she is at theirs, but today I am not well so they came here.

She had a big bag of apple laces, which she sat and ate a few herself. My DC, 8, 6 and 2 asked if they could have one and she said "no they are mine" and refused to share. Even when the 2 year old had a tantrum and my 6 year old (with SN) cried. They stayed for 2 hours and she kept the almost full packet right next to her leg with her hand over them. Occasionally my DC (the youngest two anyway) asking if they could have one, each time the answer was no and each time they were unhappy about it. The 2 year old in the end swapped his twirl that he got off my mum for one apple lace.

She is usually a thoughtful girl, I just thought this was quite selfish of her, especially as she had loads of them! She could have at least offered them one each. Sharing doesn't bother me with young children, but honestly, at 14 you should share the mass of sweets you have!

Is this still going? I gave up when there wre some childish comments about my son with SN. Can't be chewed with having to justify his behaviour to people who don't get it.

In conclussion it appears IABU, should have locked my fat kids away to whine by themselves and eat their twirls.

A1980 - other people had noticed that the OP's children had been given sweets too.

Goodandbuts - the younger children had Twirls, the 14-year old had apple laces - so regardless of who gave which children what sweets, all 4 children had sweets to eat, but the your children still wanted some of the 14-year-old's sweets as well as their own sweets. Why should she be the only one who had to share her sweets?

If asking for someone else's sweets is OK in your family, that's fair enough - but does the other person have to say yes? If so, that seems wrong to me because it implies that people have 'rights' over other people's property. Ie - you may have a box of chocolates, but I have a right to have one of them if I ask, and you have no right to refuse - that just seems wrong to me.

As the mother of a 13 and 14 year old girl I can say with some authority that they can be v.mardy/stroppy/hormonal and do really horrid things at time. It doesn't make 'em 'bitches' or 'psychopatha' etc...

I'm sorry the OP's kids were upset, and the situation should have been addressed, but sometimes kids, even older ones, can behave like little shitbags.

I can remember at that age getting a present of sea shell shaped soap from one of my mums friends and instead of saying thank you saying 'is that all....'

I think the lesson to be learnt, OP, is that you need to stand up for your kids next time when you're around the step-sis or someone behaving similarly. I don't blame you for feeling awkward about being bossy (I hate being bossy, too), just turns out to be something you need to learn to do. Firmly asking her to put the sweets away out of sight would have turned this into a non-event.

SDTG, asking to share is usual in any family I would say. If it were one sweet, then fine, but this was several sweets. And yes, the 14 year old had every right to say no. My DC had a chocolate each, only the 6 year old ate his as he usually does.

My DC are not fat, not spoilt and not rude. The youngest two just didn't understand the situation. They did not persistantly ask for the sweets, they asked a few times during the visit, as if maybe now that time has passed their aunt (my step sister) had changed her mind and might share. And as a result of the "no" they got a bit huffy. I used tantrum, was the wrong choice of word. Her dad told them no as well, because they were DSS's sweets.

Lesson learnt, next time I will ask her to put them away.

perhaps she is trying to tell you something? I had a stepsister who kept insisting on familial connections that did not exist, it was most irritating. Maybe she feels the same?

why does a child at any age have to share, i wouldn't share my box of lindor or my B&J icecream, they are mine.

i don't care if my dc have a tantrum over not be able to have a lindor, it's not like they go with out :)

I definitely don't think that, if a child has sweets, they should be forced to share them. But I think they should be told in no uncertain terms that their behaviour is both selfish and unkind. Then, if they choose to persist in that behaviour, it is up to them and they shouldn't be stopped.

I expect the OP's stepsister must have been having a terrible day and feeling so contrary that she wanted to make other people feel the same or be as awkswad as possible or something. If she's usually considerate that would make sense. I know I had really obnoxious days as a 14 year old where I just wanted to lash out and hurt people without really knowing why. She was being selfish that day but it doesn't make her a bitch!

As for the OP's children - well, I don't know that much about living with SN children really but isn't the desire to eat anything and everything and a total inability to understand that not everything belongs to them a pretty common trait in conditions like autism? I remember working with an autistic 5 year old on a holiday playscheme once who would literally rush round the room at snacktime, grab other childrens' biscuits (out of their hands if necessary!) and scoff them before we could blink let alone reach her and stop her. She wasn't being naughty, it was just that her thought process was sort of biscuit = want = mine. If the OPs 6 year old is anything like that then no amount of explanation would do any good.

Can share. Doesn't have to.

When I was 14, other people's children just seemed annoying. And while I have no idea how long you've known her, if she became a step-relative of yours fairly recently there's no reason why (given how self-absorbed most teenagers are) she should care much at all about what you think, let alone what your children think.

At least, that's how an averagely narcissistic teenager would see it. Faking generosity to some whining brats in order to be polite under duress to the daughter of the woman her father married? Why should she?

Sure, she was uncouth and ill-mannered to sit there sullenly guzzling apple laces at you all, but from her point of view there was no reason to share.

Give it 15 years or so