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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think a 14 year old can share sweets

184 replies

GoodAndBluts · 23/10/2011 15:13

My 14 year old step sister visited today with my mum and step dad. Usually we visit when she is at theirs, but today I am not well so they came here.

She had a big bag of apple laces, which she sat and ate a few herself. My DC, 8, 6 and 2 asked if they could have one and she said "no they are mine" and refused to share. Even when the 2 year old had a tantrum and my 6 year old (with SN) cried. They stayed for 2 hours and she kept the almost full packet right next to her leg with her hand over them. Occasionally my DC (the youngest two anyway) asking if they could have one, each time the answer was no and each time they were unhappy about it. The 2 year old in the end swapped his twirl that he got off my mum for one apple lace.

She is usually a thoughtful girl, I just thought this was quite selfish of her, especially as she had loads of them! She could have at least offered them one each. Sharing doesn't bother me with young children, but honestly, at 14 you should share the mass of sweets you have!

OP posts:

pigletmania · 23/10/2011 21:43

The mum should have pulled her dd up on it, I certainly would, and I do despite my dd having sN, whether she understands or not is a different matter.

PumpkinBones · 23/10/2011 21:47

WHen I was 14, other people's children just seemed annoying. If I were her, I wouldn't have really put a lot of thought into it, other than to be annoyed that I was being harrassed for my sweets. And I can't believe a 2 year old could engineer a sweeties swap, so that was obviously managed by an adult, making more of a fuss of the whole thing that was necessary. A whole twirl for a 2 year old sounds a bit much anyway, and I am in no way precious about food / sweets.

Eyelasher · 23/10/2011 21:50

Shes still a fucking bitch.
Kills kittens and hoards luridly colored laces

Eyelasher · 23/10/2011 21:51

(.... She did kill kittens didn't she?)

quirrelquarrel · 23/10/2011 21:55

She's not a bitch! Bloody hell, she's 14.

YABU for wanting people to give your kids whatever they want. When it's something as trivial as sweets, it's a good exercise in self control. They went on about them for two whole hours? Why not move on? Why does your 6 year old's SN have any bearing on her deserving someone else's sweets? The two year old having a tantrum is probably a lot more disturbing than her eating sweets, which, yes, was selfish, but not crime of the century like you're making it out to be!

pigletmania · 23/10/2011 22:00

The op should have taken control of the situation and told the girl to put her sweets away, and eat them later.

A1980 · 23/10/2011 22:11

Maybe piglet it was a good learning expereince for the OP's children. To actually not be allowed something that doesn't belong to them.

Why should she put them away.

exoticfruits · 23/10/2011 22:16

It is all a mountain out a molehill-they all had sweets.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/10/2011 23:07

But the OP's own children weren't being told to put their chocolate away for later, were they, pigletmania? So why should the 14-year-old have to?

And I agree that it is rude to ask for other people's sweets, and that's what I would have said to my boys if they had done this to an older, visiting child. And I'd have pointed out that they already had some sweets so didn't need any more.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 23/10/2011 23:13

Why does your 6 year old's SN have any bearing on her deserving someone else's sweets?

Jesus fucking christ - really??? You have no idea do you, none.

It has fuck all to do with the child deserving the sweets and everything to do with them being completely unable to understand why they can't have them. FFS.

Yes - a learning experience for a 2 year old and a 6 yo with sn - taunt them with sweets for a few hours, that'll learn 'em.

GuillotinedMaryLacey · 23/10/2011 23:28

They had their own bloody sweets. Jesus Christ, how is that so hard to understand? This thread is an unbelievable fuss about nothing.

pigletmania · 23/10/2011 23:29

because A1980 she is in someones house and its disrespectful to do what she did. Op house, op rules!

pigletmania · 23/10/2011 23:30

Sweetgate

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 23/10/2011 23:47

Well this thread took an unexpected turn.

Bonkers as conkers.

Do carry on.

HappyHippyChick · 23/10/2011 23:51

Well I have three sons and I am willing to share them - not at the moment as they are all asleep and quiet, but maybe tomorrow when they are fighting...

HappyHippyChick · 23/10/2011 23:53

I'll take apple laces or a twirl, or even a carton of Um Bongo I'm really not fussy.

electra · 23/10/2011 23:56

This is really mean - at 14 she is not a child. Maybe she's having a selfish teen day??

I have a 2 year old dd and her older sister would give her anything, even if it meant she herself went without. And she's much younger than 14.

electra · 23/10/2011 23:57

Sorry of course she is technically a child but should have learned how to be kind to her nieces and nephews by now.

PerryCombover · 24/10/2011 00:11

I like the sound of the not nice niece

I would teach your children the value of Twirls

A1980 · 24/10/2011 00:48

because A1980 she is in someones house and its disrespectful to do what she did. Op house, op rules!

But that isn't the OP's house rules seeing as she didn't ask her to put them away so what are you on about?

Also as she's in the OP's house, that makes her a guest there. Is it respectful to make a guest hand over her property to some children who don't understand the word no and who have their own sweets and if she refuses to hand them over, to make her put them away?

When did we start start treating guests with such disrespect? I wouldn't treat a guest like that in my house. Intersting that you would. It's a bag of fucking sweets and the OP's children had enough of their own. But her poor darlings couldn't handle seeing someone having something they didn't.

Swankyswishing · 24/10/2011 00:55

I think you've turned this into more of an issue than it needs to be. When she said no, I would have just said to her "Can they have one each, please?", and I bet she would have taken notice and given them one. I have to say though, your children aren't automatically entitled to have someone else's sweets and I would also have told them to stop asking and going on about it.

fortifiedwithtea · 24/10/2011 01:19

I would have asked 14 yo to put sweets away for later only for abit of peace. OP's kids worried for her sweets for 2 hours(?) Blimey, bet she felt like digging her heels in and not share if they like that. I do think it mean she didn't them one sweet each but that was her choice to make.

Having SN is not an automatic excuse for poor behaviour. My DD is 9 yo and has SN. I treat her according to her mental age.

quirrelquarrel · 24/10/2011 08:10

What, you can't explain such things to a 2 year old and a 6 year old with SN? It could not possibly sink in? So only after the age of 10 and only if they're free from diagnosis should you bother to instill some elementary rules of conduct. It's not like, you can wait until a certain age to start performing your parental duties in teaching them how to behave. Perhaps a little extreme, but if they grow up with the sense that everyone has to share whether they like it or not, well, doesn't that smack of something. The whole point of teaching kids to share is that it's voluntary and therefore a nice thing to do. They don't need to be placated, they need to be educated. That's on the same lines of saying, oh, let's not give people with autism behavioural therapy to give them better livelihoods. They wouldn't know why we're trying to make them do this, so there's no use and it would just be cruel anyway to wave carrots they can't understand in front of them. Rubbish way of thinking.

If the OP was explaining the child's crying by saying she had SN- well, she's making the point that she is easily upset. So it's not up to the 14 year old to shoulder the whole blame. So it was a moot point from the beginning.

I do have "an idea", thanks very much!

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 24/10/2011 08:24

you could explain elementary rules of conduct to my 5 year old with SN all you like but she wouldn't have a clue what you were on about and would look at you blankly (if she looked at you at all)

quirrelquarrel · 24/10/2011 08:49

It just seems a little strange that she can grasp the idea of sharing but not grasp an explanation in return, so unable that there is little point trying to tell her anything to that effect. She doesn't seem like she was zoned out.

OP did not make the point that an explanation or any other form of discipline would be wasted on the 6 year old. If she is delayed in terms of mental age, there are few ages i.e. none where this kind of behaviour (not the initial crying, the carrying on for two whole hours) should be acceptable anyway.
I am probably appearing quite callous and I don't want to give the impression that I think it was not ordinary behaviour for the child. I just think the way the whole thing was handled wasn't great. Not a particularly outrageous point to make even in relation to an SN kid.

Yes a fourteen year old can share sweets. No they don't have to. Yes you can ask her to put them away. Yes this way you can avoid your kids being so upset. That's how it should have gone.

My first point about the deserving/SN was silly, I admit that. But it is very trying when people use SN as an excuse.

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