To wonder if other people feel trapped in a mediocre life

[neepsntatties]

I am not living the life I hoped I would, I am lucky in lots of ways - healthy kids, decent job etc but it all feels a bit bland. I've made some big mistakes which mean I am not doing what I wanted and while what I do is not awful I feel a real sense of loss and sadness about it all. Marriage going through a difficult patch, kids lovely but I often feel trapped by them.

Is this just normal? Do other people feel like this? How do I accept my lot and stop feeling sorry for myself?

Yep - very normal. Feeling "bleugh" at this time is quite standard I believe, having talked to friends about it. When you are young your life is full of possibilities, few responsibilities and fewer ties. Once you have a husband and children your "possibilities" narrow a hell of a lot. You can see a time when potentially you might actually get your freedom back but its about 15 years and a huge amount of cash away. That's depressing, however you look at it.

Welcome to adulthood. Sucks doesn't it.

My advice is leave the kids with the grandparents for a week (or whichever of your friends will take them) and go away somewhere. Even if it's just camping in Wales. You'' feel a bit free again and more importantly will miss the normality you had started to hate. Rinse and repeat as often as finances will allow.

Or if you're a "good" mother (unlike me) who doesn't want to leave DCs then at least set aside 2 nights a fortnight - one for you to go out with your friends like you did before you were married and one for you and DH where you either go out or at least have NO TV and sit at the table for dinner with a bottle of wine. Sometimes me and H play scrabble or monopoly (yep I know - sounds boring as hell buts its actually quite cool because we TALK - even if it is mostly about how much fun we used to have before we had kids!).

I'm not sure if it's normal, but I feel this way. I wanted an 'exceptional life', not one with huge success in the generally accepted sense of the term, but just a life that wasn't more or less exactly the same as the neighbour's! I do feel sad, and I'm 40+ so I feel like my opportunity to do a lot of the things that I wanted to do is gone now. My children are still young, and there's 4 of them. My life seems to consist of doing things for/with them, and then working my arse off to be able to afford to do things with/for them.

I will be watching this thread though, because I would very much like to start feeling a bit more content with life, because really, I have nothing to complain about.

I think I have had an exceptional, exciting life life in almost all ways and it is not all it is cracked up to be! I would have given anything for a boring career I could tolerate, a husband, kids and a happy marriage. Yes, everyone keeps telling me to write a book on my life, but doing exciting things that sound glamerous don't guarantee happiness or mean that life is exciting - just that you have a boring life (like everyone else) that sounds exciting to other people.

The grass is always greener and it is perfectly normal to gaze longingly at the other side

My life felt a bit like that, so I changed it. It has been difficult for us financially, it's meant lots of transition for our children (who are 5 and 4), but at the end of the day, I am happy and fulfilled, and therefore a much better partner to my DH and a really happy parent.

I am a firm believer that you create your own life. If there is something that you don't like, or that you think could be better, it's up to you to get up and do something about it.

Once I hit 40 I felt I was running out of time to do "stuff" even though I'm quite happy with my lot. It gets overwhelming sometimes and I feel like life is passing me by. I was quite surprised to discover recently my DH feels the same. We skint as chuff at the moment, but we've made a plan to move house to a place we really love and have discussed the impact on dc, and even though it may be a while off, just having a plan has helped, and of course that talk we had together when we realised we both felt the same.

I am 47 and am generally happier than I have ever been - although kids are virtually grown up. Happiness in general rises for people from their late 40's.

I think it is because for most those early struggles of kids not sleeping, tantrums, etc have gone. You understand better what makes you happy. And you realise that although some choices may be closed off, there is still a hell of a lot of possibility. And you know that life can be short and you had better make the most of it.

I think everyone does daily grind stuff in their world. But everyone, I think ,needs things to look forward to it. It doesn't matter what it is, but something to look forward to at least every fortnight imo makes life feel much better.

i do.

up until 3 years ago i was really happy. i was a single parent working partime, paying all my bills and able to save a bit for my son and for xmas every year. i had no debt and i had a really good work/home balance. i wasn't rich. i was earning minumum wage and receiving HB help for my rent but i was content.

then my son's dad got back in touch (no contact since ds had been born) and for some stupid reason i let him back in and fell in love with him all over again...and got pregnant with ds2. i became depressed whilst pregnant, EXP was next to useless, i was essentially a single parent still, i gave up my job as EXP was earning enough to support us and then he left. so there i was now a single parent to 2 dcs, jobless, depressed and with no savings at all because EXP had managed to work his way through them. so i had to take on some debt to keep our roof above our head, and i'm stuck in that cycle still. and then i get a text from EXp asking if he can have the boys in half an hour. first i know that he's home, nice life you have there EXP how does one manage to be a parent and have the social life of a single 18 year old man? come and go as you please, no rent to pay at your mums, no middle of the night waking to deal with your dcs, no foregoing a lie-in when all you need to do is sleep, out with the lads whenever you feel like it because you dont have to worry about a babysitter and you have the money to do it. sorry if i sound bitter but i really fucking am. i hate how this cookie has crumbled. i hate that i hold all the repsonsibility for my children and he gets to turn up on his own terms and be the fun parent, i hate not having the freedom to go round and see a friend if i fancy it ior being able to ring up the girls and arrange a night out, i hate that everyday, it's me that does all the washing, cooking, cleaning and childcare and i hate that i'm crap at it too, i hate that people know i'm crap and judge me for it but that he gets no judgement at all for being non-fucking-existant in his childrens' lives except when it suits him to be. i'm picking up his slack everyday and everyone just expects that. i know i sound liek a child but it really just isn't fair. i'm not happy where i am right now, not sure if i ever can be with things like this.

How do I accept my lot and stop feeling sorry for myself?

Spend some time with people who are having a genuinely shit time of it. Appreciate what you have - it can all end in the blink of an eye.

If you are bored/unfulfilled then identify what needs sorting out and do something about it. A friend of mine is re-training to be a barrister - she is in her 50s. It's never too late to do anything you want.

and i hate the fact that i lost my teenage years and he didn't aswell. he was a teen parent too, but you never would have known it.

I felt like this as a SAHM, even though on paper my life sounds pretty perfect. Now I've started to take action to get back into work I feel much better.

Yes I probably just need to grow up a bit and suck it up. I am quite isolated where I am which doesn't help, am very lonely.

I started a course recently connected to what I originally wanted to do with my life and I felt so happy, like I was in my natural habitat or something. It just highlighted how far I feel from that.

For example you are not too old to emigrate, have a new career, live in a commune, go out clubbing - and lots and lots of other things. I felt the same as you about 40. But I think our society is so youth obsessed we are sold the idea that anyone doing exciting things is young. Its not the case. There are plenty of retired people for example emigrating or travelling the world.

Doing exciting things when you have young kids is difficult - not impossible, but difficult. But this is about the amount of care they need and the time it takes, rather than your age.

Some people do rest into old age relatively young. This is fine if this is an active choice. But honest you still have lots of possibilities in the future.

Some people do

I still feel like it's possible to achieve everything I've always wanted to but maybe that's because I'm still young and none of my peers have achieved what they want yet. I also don't feel like my life has dramatically changed since having a baby, I still go for weekends away to Paris or wherever with my friends and so does my partner but i imagine that would become harder if we decided to have more children.

'I've made some big mistakes which mean I am not doing what I wanted' op you know what you want which is great - why is it too late to do it now?
I am teacher training at 44 - every now and then I think why on earth didn't I do this at 20 instead of pssing around ... but I am doing it. What's stopping you? I don't get it.

You are lucky - you know what you want to do. Can't you make a plan of how you can get into that area of work and then work towards it? And being isolated will always make you feel bit lower. Are there places you can go with kids or creche where you can start to meet others? Or go out in evening and leave kids with DP e.g. club, hobby with social element attached?

Also I don't think you are ever too old to change careers or do something exciting.
My mum and I went travelling around the world for 6 months when I was about 8, I'm sure it wasn't the same as if she had gone with friends but we both had a brilliant time.

I am quite isolated where I am which doesn't help, am very lonely.

Get back into the world. Volunteer. Work. Anything. Too much time to think and dwell and get all nostalgic is never good.
Loneliness is a terrible thing - don't let it eat away at your confidence.
Fight back!

What were your dreams?

What did you want to do?

I tell you what, it's definitely made me convinced I don't want any MORE children. I'm looking forward to them being 18 already and they are still in nappies. Call me a selfish b%tch but I want my life back - at least a little bit of it - and if I could have the body I had before they came along that would be good too please!

I too could have written your thread neeps, your definately not alone.
It's a catch 22, get generally down, see things that might be changeable but not have the motivation to really pursue doing much about them, get a bit more down, see more things that could be different, get a bit more down....

I love the idea of "escaping" from the children for a few days, also might it be possible to start with some small steps, just to change the day to day, some silly, short, change of perspective ideas :

Drive to an area that is awful (lots of poverty, burnt out cars etc) - sit in car watching rubbish blow by, drive home feeling glad that you can.

Spend an afternoon sitting in the viewing gallery of your local magistrates court (criminal courts even better - the Old Bailey is fab), drive home feeling glad that you can.

Walk through your local hospital, have a coffee in the canteen, really look at the folks coming and going, drive home feeling glad that you can.

I don't, not often anyway. I did most of the things I wanted to do before I had a child (with limited finances), I lived in lots of places, travelled around the world and had what I thought would be my dream job for a while, although it turned out more of a nightmare than a dream. So I have no regrets.

Having a child was never on my 'to do' list, but has become something I love more than any of the other things I've done with my life. I make my life more interesting by being as creative as I can be and filling spare time with fun and different activites that we enjoy together.

I don't think you need to make big changes to your life to make it more interesting, it's the little things that count really.

Normal for me. I am lucky in a lot of respects: health, nice (rented house), two healthy DD's, a healthy DSS, a crazed puppy, a little income.

I, howevee, am not leading the life I hoped. I'm applying for minimum wage jobs, I am still studying at 22 for the next 4 years, I have no career, no expendable income, I've not travelled, I have little family, my PIL's hate me etc.

Alas, I am young. I will make my life better. I concentrate on the good and little things and focus on rectifying the bad. Some days are more of a struggle than others.

I didn't think that at 22 I would be here with Fibromyalgia, Bi Polar and Osteoarthritis.

There has been lots of research into what makes people happy. It boils down to, from memory:

1. Friends or/and DP or/and family you have a good relationship with, is supportive and you have fun.
2. Having something that gives you a sense of achievement and particularly if it is a medium to longer term goal.
3. Getting outside, especially into green areas or countryside.
4. Having small everyday treats - a book you love, a weekly magazine, your favourite meal for tv,a great film on tv, etc. But crucially having themvery very regularly.
5. Having something to look forward to in the future.
6. Some form of regular exercise whether sports or walks.
7. Being religious and this is enhanced if you are a regular church goer - I don't do this as I don't believe in god, but it does seem to make a difference. It is thought the idea of a bigger purpose helps people.

I am sort of hoping the course I am doing might open some doors for me. I wanted to work in theatre but it's a young person's game. Not a realistic option now I have kids . A lot of my peer are doing well which makes me feel like an epic failure.

But yes perspective is important and my family is healthy.