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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if other people feel trapped in a mediocre life

256 replies

neepsntatties · 23/10/2011 12:18

I am not living the life I hoped I would, I am lucky in lots of ways - healthy kids, decent job etc but it all feels a bit bland. I've made some big mistakes which mean I am not doing what I wanted and while what I do is not awful I feel a real sense of loss and sadness about it all. Marriage going through a difficult patch, kids lovely but I often feel trapped by them.

Is this just normal? Do other people feel like this? How do I accept my lot and stop feeling sorry for myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
neepsntatties · 23/10/2011 19:59

Yes time feels very precious, I actually sat in tesco car park today as the baby was asleep and Ds was being watched while I ran an errand. Sat in the car just so I could have a bit of time and that was the highlight of my day, sitting for ten minutes in a car park.

I think it's lots of little things. My kids don't sleep, still trying to settle them now. So always tired and have no evening. Dh always working and also doesn't get it, I relate to that post a lot. I have lost three family members in the last year and a half and I feel so aware of how short life is. Dh and I been fighting, I don't think we get each other anymore. Plus am Norma no mates. But I guess I have to just keep pushing.

OP posts:
SkinnedAlive · 23/10/2011 20:09

Awww neeps - It will get better for us all. Where there is life there is hope (I keep repeating as a mantra as I rock in the corner)

Dexifehatz · 23/10/2011 20:11

As I approach forty I feel like committing suicide.Only kids stop me.

ionysis · 23/10/2011 20:12

If you realy want to feel better stop by the relationship thread to have a moan about your husband. Everyone will tell you it's all his fault you atre not happy, that he is an abusive monster and that you only need to leave him to miraculously be happy and fulfilled. Problem solved Hmm

SweatTart · 23/10/2011 20:12

heresthesacrythingbooyhoo has just described my life, my feelings, my bitterness. That could SO EASILY have been written by me, in fact memebrs of my family on here would be asking if I'd namechanged if you'd said you had 3 kids.

Booy, I wrote in relationships about the way I felt (under another name) and I got SO much support, hand holding and advice, I don't feel qualified to give you any, so I just suggest you pour it out over there to get some real help, but I just wanted to say, I hear ya, I'm with ya. Your post made me so sad.

My main hate is that he made me regret my beautiful ds, my darling little boy. At my lowest, I wished I'd not been so stupid to have a child with this IDIOT (already had two dcs with ANOTHER idiot)

Sorry for the hijack neepsBlush

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie · 23/10/2011 20:17

neepsSad it gets better re the sleep.i remember thinking id never have a decent nights sleep again.
ive also lots lots of people close to me recently,it does make you realise how short life is.have you spoken to anyone?might help?
so we need to work on sleep,your relationship,grief,and friends.

lets do it!
how old are your dc?what have you already tried with sleep issues?

cangaroo · 23/10/2011 20:17

Hey neeps, I have been really affected by your posts - I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time at the moment. All the posters have made really helpful suggestions.

But I also wanted to ask if you thought that you are depressed at the moment? I know that when you are feeling depressed, it can seem impossible to drag yourself out of the hole that you are in, and that things start to spiral. If so, it might be worth talking to your GP about how you are feeling. Depending on where you live, some sort of talking therapy like counselling or CBT might help you to work things through and clarify the main things that you want to change, and also identify the important things about your life that you value. I hope that you feel better soon.

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie · 23/10/2011 20:18

dexSaddoes anyone in rl know how you feel?

MixedClassBaby · 23/10/2011 20:19

OP, nothing more to add except I can relate to what you're saying. I've experienced many different shades of life and know that this is the happiest I've ever been but I sometimes feel like a hamster on a wheel these days.

I hated the Proctor and Gamble ad but really feel that I might be turning into the bloody 'body without a head' it mentioned. My life looks great on paper but sometimes it's just hard work to keep it all going.

I often have to resist the urge to do something hugely irresponsible just to prove I still can. Childish, I know, but I have to be the 'adult' in every area of my life and it makes me feel invisible. I'm worried that if I keep playing the role of a boring old fart, I'll end up turning into one.

Hardgoing · 23/10/2011 20:29

Neeps, that's a lot of things that are less than ideal.

On a very practical note, is it possible to sort the sleeping? If slightly older (I'm not interested in starting a cc debate!), how about a star chart and a clock for everyone and those that stay in their bed and don't get out after a set time get a sticker, translated into a nice treat at the end of the week.

This might seem trivial, but I've found tiredness and exhaustion to colour everything and stop me appreciating what I have got.

You have also had lots of losses in the last year, you poor thing, the person who suggested you see the doctor may be on to something. Having someone to talk to (counsellor etc) may help as it sounds like you are a bit short of RL support.

Original poster
neepsntatties · 23/10/2011 20:56

The sleep thing really doesn't help. DS is not too bad now, he is four but DD is only 9 months and is just awful. We co sleep but she still wakes up all the time. I have tried the feeding her for ten mins then reducing it by a minutes but I never get beyond 8 minutes and then there is a tooth or she is ill. I have also tried saying I won't feed her between 11-3 and dh settle her but she goes mental until dh comes to get me. She's still awake now, dh has just got back and is trying to get her down at the moment.

One of the people I lost was my Dad so that was a big blow to me as my mother is less than useless. I have wondered about depression, I think counselling would be helpful but then I just think it would be another stress trying to find someone to watch the kids so I could attend an appointment.

As for friends, I think that would make a big difference. I don't feel part of the community where I am, have lived here for five years now. I seem to find it hard to make friends or meet people for some reason. I did try NCT but did not really relate to the people in the group that well. Have done a couple of toddler groups but no luck so far. I know a couple of people at work but they don't need me if that makes sense. They grew up here and have a big network if which I am a tiny part, I would love a couple of really good friends to see regularly.

Lots of sad posts on this thread, I am so sorry for those of you who have been left on your own and/or dealing with idiot ex's. It's hard enough being a parent as it is.

Dex is there anyone you could talk to? That sounds really grim :(

OP posts:
TheHumancatapult · 23/10/2011 21:09

Its never to late op im single parent to 4dc

at the age of 37 I ended up parylised from waist down . age 38 i have taken up canoeing and have been white water rafting and i have found doing somethings thats just for me as been such a boost to my self esteem and quiet enjoy shocking some people when they expect me to have quiet hobbies Grin

Original poster
neepsntatties · 23/10/2011 21:51

Wow. That's really humbling and inspirational. I would be terrified to canoe in normal circumstances never mind with all you have had to deal with. I feel ashamed for moaning now.
The getting up at 5am to study is cool too. I think I could do that once Dd is sleeping better. That would give me some time to read or go for a run or something.

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 23/10/2011 21:56

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them" - Thoreau.

And then there was Shirley Valentine :)

Whatmeworry · 23/10/2011 21:59

HumanCatapult wow - btw you reminded me of the Mariann Faithul song "

It's also very relevant to this thread, OP.....

Whatmeworry · 23/10/2011 22:05

And OP when all your kids are small and sleep is hard, that is The Worst Time, like a tunnel with no light. But it gets a lot better. Cut yourself a lot of slack right now.

cecilyparsley · 23/10/2011 22:12

mediocre compared to what?
compared to the vast majority of humanity your life probably is exceptional...just think you could have been born a lowly peasant in the 13th century, had some kinda nasty brutish & short life!

Exposure to celeb culture gives us all unrealistic expectations I think

Dexifehatz · 23/10/2011 22:35

No I haven't told anyone,but I think my husband and mother may have realised how I feel.I keep going because it's easier than stopping everything to say how low I feel and the fact that if I didn't have kids[13,6 and 2] then I would just not carry on.But I must not be completely depressed because sometimes I can smile and mean it and also feel attached in some way.Most of the time I feel like I am in a film or play and I feel aware of people watching me to make sure I am saying the right lines and making the correct moves.That sounds quite stupid but it's how I feel.Maybe I should talk to someone.I feel really tired most of the time,but who doesn't? Who can I talk to first?

JingleMum · 24/10/2011 00:09

neepsntatties this thread has really spoken to me.... trust me, you are never too old to act, acting has no age limit. there are so many acting workshops you can go to or even have private acting lessons with a coach to get you started. you don't have to do it tomorrow, you can wait til the kids are a little older and sleeping a bit better, but start thinking about it. don't ever give up, keep looking forward to it.

Original poster
neepsntatties · 24/10/2011 05:59

Dex, I think it is totally possible to be depressed and still have times you can smile. I think suicidal thoughts are really worth talking to your dr about no matter what.

OP posts:
runningwilde · 24/10/2011 08:59

What an interesting thread! Im a few years of forty and feel old! So nice to hear it doesn't have to be like that

StopRainingPlease · 24/10/2011 09:33

Well here's my story.

I've always loved horses and as a horse-mad teenager assumed I would get one once I was earning my own money. Life got in the way, then kids, and I hardly rode any more. One birthday my DH sent me out on a long ride at a local trekking centre, and it was fabulous Grin but I couldn't help feeling guilty at the cost and the time away from DC's.

Then 3 or 4 years ago he suggested we all go on a riding holiday. It was fabulous, but when we came back home I had that flat feeling you get after a holiday. After a while I realised it was more than that - I felt I'd woken up after a long sleep and found myself in the wrong life Sad.

To cut a long story short, I now have my own horse, bought at the age of 44, which one of my DD's rides too, and I feel my life has changed completely. It's no longer just work-kids-house, I have something for me, something that makes me happy. The kids are older now and don't need me 24/7, so time is less of an issue, and I try not to think about the money Grin. You only get one life, and I didn't want to get to 75 and think "I wish I'd done that while I had the chance."

StopRainingPlease · 24/10/2011 09:40

I should add to my story above, that obviously my DH is very supportive and knows that sometimes you need to prioritise yourself - something I have struggled with.

Blackduck · 24/10/2011 12:56

I could have written your post OP. I am not living the life I thought I would. I have compromised far too much! I also do not prioritise myself, as dp said to me at the weekend, you don't do things for yourself because you don't value yourself or think you are important - he is very right.

forehead · 24/10/2011 13:24

I think that many women feel like you do OP, even those who appear to have everything.
I have had achieved quite a few things in my life ,. I have travelled all over the world, worked in exciting places, yet i srill complained about boredom.
I am now married and have three young children. I have a great dh and tbh, i enjoy the 'normality' of life.
It's only when things go wrong , that one appreciates the 'normality' of life.