To wonder if other people feel trapped in a mediocre life

[neepsntatties]

I am not living the life I hoped I would, I am lucky in lots of ways - healthy kids, decent job etc but it all feels a bit bland. I've made some big mistakes which mean I am not doing what I wanted and while what I do is not awful I feel a real sense of loss and sadness about it all. Marriage going through a difficult patch, kids lovely but I often feel trapped by them.

Is this just normal? Do other people feel like this? How do I accept my lot and stop feeling sorry for myself?

Forehead I agree with you. I love my life. But ironically it's because some years ago I lost my mum and it totally devastated me. I've got over it (at least, learnt to get on with things and make a new life; the deep pain will never heal) but one side effect is that I am in a permanent state of anxiety that bad things will happen and my happy life could all come crashing down again like it did that day ten years ago when I found out she had cancer. Every day my husband goes off to work on his bicycle and I convince myself he will get run over by a lorry. Every time I go into dd's room to wake her up I am convinced she has died in her sleep. Every time I leave the house I expect to return to find it burnt to the ground. Every time the phone rings I think it will be a message telling me my Dad is in hospital. As a result of this, every time my husband comes home, my daughter wakes up beaming at me, the house remains standing and the phone call is a friend wanting a chat, I thank my lucky stars. Every day I'm grateful for what I have. I enjoy every precious minute in case it is all taken away. It's not exactly an approach I would recommend, and I wish I could stop imagining the worst case scenario at every step of the way - but I AM happy. Very. I hope you find your own way to be happy (and that it is more relaxing than mine!). Go for it on the theatre front. Life is short, and if you have identified something that will cheer you up, make it happen.

I am going to have to come back to this much, much later as I am starting to cry and don't want to have to explain myself to DH and DD who are also in the room .

If you are unreasonable, then so am I as I totally understand where you're coming from.

Will be back to read the rest of the thread later (no doubt very late tonight, with a stiff drink in hand).

Dex please go see your doctor - that sense of detachment etc that you describe is very common in depression as is feeling tired all the time. Don't let your dr fob you off with just pills either - CBT can be very effective indeed. Depression (I've been there) is like a cuckoo in your brain. It moves in, chucks out the real you and takes its place so that you think the way you see things and feel about them is real. It is not though and as long as you soldier on through the depression (because asking for help would be selfish and weak, right?) it will continue to stop the real you living your life. You deserve better than that.
And while I am in full rant, if you have a terrible migraine on one side of your head you don't tell yourself to pull yourself together and be grateful the other side feels fine... you do something about the side that is sore. Feeling a bit down all the time is not normal and is your body's way of saying the balance in your life is a little off and needs fixing. A rhythm of up and down is normal in our moods but feeling low most of the time is absolutely not. Actually stopping being a heroic coper and saying, "I don't feel right - is this normal?" is the first step to taking care of yourself - which is what grown-ups do. It's not selfish, or childish or unrealistic to say "I'm not happy in myself". It's right. If it was your child who felt this way you would move heaven and earth to fix it - and your health is just as important. So all you lovely women who have shared your own downs here - thank-you and don't assume it's all you deserve.

I have always worked really hard to achieve my aims - and largely I have (4 children, big house, good career, good marriage) but I now just feel trapped by all these things the ongoing hamster wheel of working so hard full time to earn to pay out for everything is unfullfilling and exhausting.....and my youngest is still only 5 so a long way to go before I can start loosening the apron strings. I also feel guilty for feeling ungrateful although I have arrived at MY desired "destination". I feel on the verge of tears most days and the ongoing financial crisis reporting depresses me so much as I think that we could loose everything in a heartbeat. I also lost my mother (my soul mate) very suddenly to a very aggressive cancer and this has taught me that life is so short (she died at 63 - I am 44) - I am aware that my life is blessed - and that I have options to make it better - but I feel unable to take any action. I put so much effort into the children when they were younger and it was very rewarding - I find now I put in just as much effort (and even more money) and it just really challenging I fantasize about them leaving home....

Op I can definitely relate to what you are saying. However something happened to me recently that has made me see things differently. I have been nursing for 16 years, last week one of my patients died. This happens often in my job as you can imagine however this woman was in her early 30s and left behind her two small children.
We visited her daily for 4 months and got to know her and her family very well. My 2 dc are the same age as hers. She knew she was dying and yet she showed so much dignity and bravery that words fail me. I now thank my lucky stars that I have the health to carry on with my life and, hopefully, see my children grow up. Something that she will never have. Accept your lot and be thankful that you have them.

god this thread has really made me think

when i was a teenager i was very bright at school, and predicted great things

i wanted to go into law and make shitloads of money, have it all, buy a big house, have a flash car, lots of exotic holidays etc. my dreams soon faded when i dropped out of uni before the end of the first year

if the the 18 YO me could see the 31 YO me, she would be mortified. i'm living in a rented housing association house on a dodgy estate with no hope of ever buying a house, i'm in debt, have no savings, have 2 kids by 2 different dads and have never managed to stick at a job for long, havent worked properly since before my oldest was born. i have just started a small cleaning business (which the teenage me would have sneered at.)

however, if i had have successfully taken the path i originally envisaged for myself i would never have had my DC, i would never have met my wonderful DH. i have moments where i think my life is mundane and in many ways it is. but i wouldn't change a thing about it. i know that i might not have a lot materially and my life is not "exciting" but compared to some people i have it all, and i try and focus on what i do have rather than what i dont.

Yup.

A bit like Misty I was bright at school and teachers used to say things like "you'll be prime minister one day". This was at primary school, and at that age you kind of believe you're special. I was even told by one teacher "you deserve an Oscar!" after the nativity play. I think she may have been drinking . (Anyway, I thought she said ostrich and was disappointed when my mum explained...)

I was moderately ambitious and did really believe I was destined for great things until university, when I went from being a big fish in a small pond (school) to a small fish in a big pond, surrounded by lots of people brighter than me (I) and for the first time in my life had to work bloody hard.

The reality also hit that my family didn't have the funds for me to have the luxury of picking and choosing a job/career. I had to find a job fresh from university and earn money to support myself, which I did. My career evolved from there, not really under my control thanks to a couple of redundancies, and has now stalled after having DCs.

I have much for which to be grateful. And having mixed with many of the future politicians whilst at uni, am glad I'm not cut out for that.

Once DCs are at school, I am determined to find some further purpose to my life, something better than the first half of my life. Not ruling the world, but something successful that makes my DCs proud of me in my own right. I don't want to be someone who lives vicariously through the DCs. Because otherwise what was the point of my life, and what was the point of my parents sacrificing so much to give me a good start in life?

Huge virtual hug Neeps. Lack of sleep, a baby, small child, lots of domestic thankless drudgery certainly isn't what most of us dream of when we are young. That kind of day to day relentless slog is rarely captured by the media & some mums deal better with it than others.

At your stage, I was very depressed, ex-H left me, I was made redundant from my part-time job & I had some very, very dark thoughts. I soldiered on, but eventually took ADs & they gave me a lift & got me back on an even keel. I was on & off them for about 4 years & haven't taken any for the last 3 years. My DCs are older now & I am less physically tired.

However, at some point (& it did take a while) I had one of those road to damascus moments, where I realised I was the only person who could change my life & having understood that I then got on with it. I changed location, changed the DCs school, changed jobs & made my life work for me. I don't have an "exciting" life but it is full & enjoyable. I have a good job which I mostly enjoy, I love my DCs, I have a manageable relationship with my family & have even managed to make interaction with ex-H tolerable.

I'm not trying to brag, but just to show that it can be done. I still have dreary, mildly depressed days when it feels like the world is conspiring against me - but most of the time I feel fortunate.
The sleep thing will only get better. Look after yourself & have a think if you might need some vitamin / mineral supplements. Try and find some time every day for something you enjoy - even if that is just half an hour of undisturbed time in the bath.

It is partly the disease of Western culture I think. We have become disaffected, detached from nature.

But also the human condition, an existential crisis as it were

Read Alice Miller - what was your childhood like? Were you brought up with the notion that beauty, success and material possession were the key to happiness?

What is wrong with being 'average'? Intrinsically? If being at the top of a field so to speak, beautiful, famous, whatever brings joy and meaning to life then why are so many who have this criteria unhappy?

I know this may not make you feel better op. But threads like this are the whole reason I've stick with mumsnet. The proof that whatever is going on on your life someone else had been there/is going through similar. Feel exactly the same. My band aids so to speak are wine and song - loud song. What's been partic difficult for me is the way it kind of snuck up on me when I turned forty. Until thst point the possibilities still seemed if not endless pretty broad. Marking my space I guess.

It's never too late to have a go at new things. I know a lady whose friend's daughter wanted to be an air hostess, but was being a bit slack about doing anything about it. So this woman got her an application form. When she took it round to the girl's house, the girl said she'd changed her mind and now wanted to do something else. A few days later the woman was bored, and seeing the application form lying on her kitchen table, she filled it in for a bit of laugh. Well, she got an interview. She thought this was hilarious, being 51, tattooed, a bit rough round the edges and having no relevant experience whatsoever. She went along, for a laugh. Of course they loved her attitude, she got the job, and she spent the next few years flying around the world, seeing places she'd only dreamed of, partying alongside crew half her age and generally having a ball. I found her 'have a go' attitude immensely inspiring and she unwittingly launched me off onto my own career change.

Has anyone mentioned campaigning? That is the thing that to me has made my life worthwhile; having causes you feel passionate about and fighting for it, going to demos etc. Also a sport or past time that you feel really passionate about. Both these things can be cheap/free and are what has made my life worth living.

Sounds about 'normal' to me.

I'm not sure anyone has the perfect life - some might have it easier than others for a time, or be happier than someone momentarily, but it can't possibly be like that all the time. If my life were like that, I would be worried when it would all come crashing down about my ears.

I'm always suspicious of those friends (I think we all have one or two) who would have you believe that their lives were perfect. I'm always left thinking that they protest a little too much, but if you're not careful it can leave you with a feeling of inadequacy all the same.

I know what you mean. I was going to travel the world, instead I'm waking up in a tiny filthy bedroom to screaming children :(

OP, we all feel like this for a while. Or at least, it's very very common. I believe that things will pick up when the kids get older. You'll have more freedom, time, money.

To scarything who posted yesterday... Just wanted to say OMFG your ex DP sound like a complete tosser. You are doing an amazing job with your kids, and they will know and appreciate it when they are older. I don't blame you for being bitter. Some men are such shits. How do they get away with it?

You will be rewarded later in life with a close relationship with your DC, and they will realise how much more you gave them.

Dex please please see your GP. And if you can, find someone to talk to in RL.

neeps you are not alone! I am fortunate to have a job I love, well, a vocation really. It sounds like you're finding out about your job options. It is well worth making a switch to doing something you love.

The other thing I'd like to say, and I realise it's not for everyone, is that I once felt that although I had DP, good job, nice flat, I was still missing something in my life. It turned out to be God. I'm not a bible-bashing evangelical Christian (yet!) but I'm enjoying learning more about Christianity and Jesus. An Alpha course changed my life, imperceptibly from the outside, but gave me a joy for living on the inside.

I wish you well, and that you find the life you're meant to be living!

OP, I think this thread may, temporarily give your life a bit of meaning- you've certainly done a good thing here! I think so many of the posts have been really heartfelt and genuine that I feel a bit emotional. It is an eye-opening thread, really. Thanks everybody for posting.

I have had a few of rough patches in my life, but have recently got my dream job. I am, mainly, a teacher, but will be going part time in order to do this other job (being hazy with the details, because some of you will come across me). I NEVER would have thought that I could get it and it was an extremely difficult application process, but I applied through a combination of disatisfaction with my life and because a friend said, 'somebody has to get the job. Why not you?'

I am writing this mainly because, although I know my friend meant it in an offhand fashion, I found the phrase quite inspirational. It certainly helped me to get everything into perspective. Somebody has to get it, so why not you?

OP (and others), I don't understand why you think it's too late to change? Why is it too late to go off and work in Africa for a year? There would be jobs there/ your work may let you take a sabbatical and there are certainly schools. Or you could learn how to crew a boat and go sailing round the world with the kids.

If you are lucky enough to know what you want to do, why don't you do it?

I found reading this article strangely comforting: www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/aug/14/miranda-sawyer-midlife-crisis-mortality

(sorry don't know how to embed properly)

My life is shit at the moment too (I'm also post-40)- have very challenging autistic DD, who I love dearly, but will be a lifelong burden, which means I will probably not have the chance to 'acheive' anything for myself.

Anyway, hope you find your way through this

I have wanted to be a writer since I was seven years old. Anyway lack of confidence and a bad exam result got in the way and I ended up in a career I was not that happy in. Then came kids.

Last year I was looking through some old school stuff and I came across the book I had started writing when I was seven. I started writing then, using that story as inspiration (a children's fantasy novel). I have written 42,000 words and done a couple of courses. I have had some positive feedback and now I am determined to finish this book and try and get it published

Okay it might not mount to anything but even just trying to chase my dream is exhilirating

I am loving the stories of people who made big changes in their lives, they are really inspiring. I feel more hopeful today that things can get better. I think I am at a difficult stage with the kids and have little support. Miss my Dad a lot and am often desperate for company. I think the course will keep me going this year though and hopefully something new will come out of it.

It's been so interesting to read everyone's responses, it's made me think a lot,

My life isn't enough for me either. I have 4 gorgeous children, enough money, a big enough house, a couple of holidays planned etc but it's just not enough. I enjoy my very part time job and I know I'm really good at it, but I'm so very very far from fulfilled. I feel guilty because I'm living other people's dreams and it's not good enough for me. Dd1 is looking at universities. I just want to scream never to compromise yourself and always go for it. I feel trapped.

When I was 21 I'd just graduated and had no ties. If I could turn the clock back I'd have gone travelling, worked my way round the world, had adventures.

Instead I did some temping, got a permanent job and bought a house. Then as I was saddled with a mortgage I couldn't do that.

Then had a baby and got married. Dd is ten years old and I did retrain a few years ago for a more fulfilling career i still feel I have a boring life. I was wondering round a national trust place today looking at all the other middle aged, middle class farts with disdain. Thinking you boring fuckers. But I know I'm just the same.

Yes I try to do as much as possible to not be, learning to paint, weekends away roughing it in the camper van. But at the end of the day i have a child, a job and a mortgage and most of my life revolves around that.

I'd love to hand my notice in, sell the house, take dd out of school and drive off in the camper van. Get a ferry out of Dover and see how far we get. But it's not going to happen. Dh would never agree, I'd worry too much about fucking up dds education, I'd worry about never getting back on the housing Market, never getting back into work and how that would affect my financial future, old age, etc. Worry, worry, worry. I wish I could live for today and not worry about tomorrow.

Ain't going to happen. I'll get up tommorrow, do some housework, supermarket shop and off to work. And repeat for 30 years. Depressing isn't it?

Things won't improve when I retire as my pensions so shit I'm not going to be able to afford to do anything.