To wonder if other people feel trapped in a mediocre life

[neepsntatties]

I am not living the life I hoped I would, I am lucky in lots of ways - healthy kids, decent job etc but it all feels a bit bland. I've made some big mistakes which mean I am not doing what I wanted and while what I do is not awful I feel a real sense of loss and sadness about it all. Marriage going through a difficult patch, kids lovely but I often feel trapped by them.

Is this just normal? Do other people feel like this? How do I accept my lot and stop feeling sorry for myself?

I don't think everyone here wants to lead an exceptional life, just a different life. I am not where I want to be and I am aware that I am currently wasting my abilites. I know the world doesn't owe me a living and I know that actually I am not that special, but I didn't think I would end up here. (and, okay, I am not living the exceptional life others are living, but I am very comfortable and things are relatively fine).

But my problem is one a number of other posters have identified - I don't know what I want, becuase if I did I would damn well go out and get it and generally I succeed when I put my mind to it.

wordfactory I agree, contentment has alot to do with it. The thing with me is that I never seem to be content. I acheive one thing and then I'm looking for the next thing straight away, houses, jobs, hobbies - you name it (ok, so not DH I've only had one of those - so far:o)

"StopRainingPlease, I'm an atheist and I could never turn to religion just because I can't find the answers that I'm looking for."

Same here . Seems to work for some people though. Or maybe it only works for agnostics.

Some of the time I feel like I'm trapped in a mediocre life; a lot of the time I feel like I'm trapped in a bit of a shitm life tbh caused by my own stupid decisions as a youngster.

I have a wonderful dd but I really feel like I am missing out on on eof lifes joys by being unable to sustain loving relationships. I have attracted abusers and this has sadly made me cynical. A belief in love and the ability to fullfill my life in that way would make it extraordinary. As would the ability to progress my career properly.

blackduck I think you're right.
I have always known what i want and gone out and got it. The trouble is I keep finding more goals and ambitions down the back of the sofa.

As happy said, the lack of contentment is always there. Not unhappiness, more a feeling of constantly being on the path forward.

Blackduck that's my problem too. I am constantly striving for something without a real idea of where I'm really heading. So many times I have set out in one direction only to find that when I've reached my destination it's not really what I wanted after all.

I need to either accept what I have is enough or get my head around what I really want from life.

wordfactory i can identify with what you say about being a Polyanna and always looking forward...sme goes for me. Whenever I think about it, I know that I am very happy, but this doesn't stop me thinking sometimes that maybe not ecerything is right on my life. I have a wonderful DH, two lovely DCs (and am very grateful that we are all in good health - had a scare recently that DD1 could be very seriously ill and that was terrifying, that possibility seems to have gone away now and that really made me relise how just being healthy is something to be very grateful for).

My problem is that I think I grew up in a very achievement/ results oriented family and school, and assumed I would have a great career with a lot of status and recognition. Actually I have never really known (still don't at 36) what I want to do career wise and am more or less a SAHM - just do 7 hours a week of teaching English to adults which I enjoy but I don't know if it is really my vocation. I love being at home and being there for my children, but I think the problem with being a SAHM is you don't see whT you've 'achieved' on a daIly or weekly basis. I know the time and effort I put into bringing up my DCs is valuable, but it's not easily 'measurable'

I hvae read this thread with interest, and I would like to share my experience. About 1.5 years ago, I reached a real low. I wasn?t unhappy, but I was tired all the time, and trapped into an exhausting routine. My youngest child did not sleep through the night until he was 2.5 y.o. and I had a part-time job which I didn?t really like but which was very convenient for a mother of young children.
A big change in my head started I joined a Pilates class (yes, it does sound naff), and when I was able to lie down and concentrate on my breath and my body, I started to think of necessary improvements. I realised that I was having a (tiring) life that I didn?t really want to have, many responsibilities (my husband works a lot and my family lives abroad, so I do most childcare and housework) and little rest and/or fun. So I started thinking of big and small changes to make my life better. Being a Catholic, at first I thought that it was a bit egoistic to concentrate on my own happiness, but now I am persuaded that it is beneficial to my family as well. So I identified several areas in my life that needed improvement:

1. My levels of energy. I started taking Pilates classes and running in the park for 1 hour once or twice a week. It really improved my wellbeing and also gave me some precious ?me-time? to think about my life. My youngest son started to sleep through and I try to go to bed before 11 pm ? getting more sleep definitely improved my level of happiness.
2. My work. I worked 3 days a week in a big international company. It sounded like a perfect job but I wasn?t happy with it, because as a part-time employee I had no hope of being promoted and/or given a salary increase. I had to do the least interesting tasks and was very bored with my work. Everyone was telling me that I was lucky to have a part-time job, but it made me very unhappy. So I resigned from my job and started my own business about a year ago ? although I work more hours, I really like what I do and I am very flexible, I can work at any time (I usually work from 9 to 3 pm, then from 8 to 10 pm if necessary). I see my children more, I know what is happening at school, I do the drop-off/pick-up, take them to activities etc. And I even earn more!
3. What I call ?small joys of life?: I try to do what I really like. My biggest hobby is reading, so I joined a book club and I buy books on Amazon on a regular basis. I also try to go to the theatre/concerts more often ? with my husband and my children.
4. My relationship with money. I always tried to spend as little as possible, and ended up being frustrated by the results. I decided to spend money to buy myself some free time ? the most precious thing for me. I hired a cleaner and started to order groceries online on a regular basis. So I spend more time with my children and I don?t have to worry about the housework too much.

So these are the changes that made me feel more happy and energised! I still have a lot of things to improve, but I feel like I am now in charge of my own happiness, and not just going with the flow! I hope this LONG post will be useful for some MNetters!

Language - your post really struck a chord. Many of the things on your list are things I'm trying to implement myself but the biggie is work: I work at a lovely company part-time, they are family-friendly (my manager a bit less so but hey ho), job is well paid...and yet. Did you hand your notice in and start your own business straight away? I'd love to walk out and do have something to work towards, but it wouldn't be an immediate pick-up. We probably could manage on one salary but it would be tight...but staying here makes me miserable!

Flappy Baps - yes, I did this (after more that 1 year of procrastinating - it was a tough decision). I thought that I will have to change sooner or later, and then handed in my notice. Work (and money) started to come in about 4-5 months after I started - so I had to use my savings in order to pay for childcare - luckily, we could manage to live just on my husband's salary. But it was still the right decision. Good luck with your choice!

'It was only here and now that Pierre had fully appreciated for the first time in his life, the enjoyment of eating when you are hungry, drinking when you are thirsty, sleeping when you are tired, keeping warm when you are cold and talking to a fellow creature when you feel like talking and you want to hear men's voices. Through deprivation Pierre now saw the satisfaction of his basic needs - good food, cleanliness and freedom - as the ultimate happiness and the choice of an occupation or lifestyle, now that this choice was so restricted, seemed such a simple matter that he forgot that a surfeit of luxury takes all the pleasure out of satisfying our basic needs'

Leo Tolstoy War & Peace

So true boglach! We all drive ourselves mental with all the striving & yet, without it I suppose the human race wouldn't have got where it did. I always end up tossing that one back & forth. I definitely think too much. [hwink]

I think it all depends on the peopel you are surrouded with if you are married to the love of your life, have all your family and friends around you to support you and be there for you whenever then even on shit, stressful days nothing seems bad for long.

I am lucky to have this but I think if you havent it is what makes people depressed and down and go after things. that arent important eg lots of material possessions, always feeling they want 'more' from life

boglach I have known deprivation...it didn't make me slow down.

molly I am also married to a wonderful guy, have a super family and lots of nice friends.

But that is simply not enough for me. Never was. Never will be.

Fortunately DH is the same so we don't feel remotely offended by it.

I suppose it depends on what you want from life I met and married my husband when we were teenagers and we have children and it makes me more happy than anything in the world. I wouldnt trade for any amounts of money, career or material possessions and to me having kids doesnt mean the end of my life or limited my life it meant the start of what I have wanted ever since I can remember.

I obviously have my moments of stress and hardship but I would describe myself overall as very content. Life is short and you shouls enjoy every moment or when you look back on it all you will remember is instead of enjoying it just looking for more, what to do next etc instead of really savouring the moment (sorry cheesy but hope you know what I mean )

I found being a mum of young children very isolating at first. I made a rule that every day I had to get dressed (!), go out whatever the weather and talk to someone else apart from my child. I joined the local NCT but I think it took about 18 months of continually going to be properly involved, they were supportive though. My job is rubbish (admin) and I regret not having been to university, but I have loved having children and would not have missed a minute - being a parent has been the most fulfilling thing I have done and I've loved very stage, even the hard ones. I think Language is right, it's often the small things that are the most fulfilling - having fun with my kids (now teens), exercise (I'm running now they're older and probably the fittest I've ever been), a good book (I get mine from charity shops - I like having my choice narrowed down and I've read some amazing books I never would have found otherwise), growing my own veg (can't believe how much you can get out of an 8' x 3' raised bed!). Please note, all these things are cheap, I'm fairly skint! For the future, I'm planning to try an open university course next year and might go on to do a degree that way if I can, I will still have to work though. I would like to run a half marathon, but probably not a whole one, who knows. I think everyone has good times and bad times throughout their life, I feel that I've got a lot to look forward to without having an amazing career or travelling the world. I often feel like I haven't got started yet - I'm 47.

My story is this: had my DC young (too young), thought I'd screwed my chances, was in a marriage that went from bad to worse.

Fast forward 10 years: I left XH, devoted myself to trying to do the best I could for my DC, tried to recapture a bit of my career, intellect and prospects (not very effectively, because everything had to hinge around being a single mum and doing what best I could. No support from XH)

Fast forward 20 years: I was driving to work the other day, the sun was in the sky and I suddenly thought "hey!, I have totally made it! I am now married to a DH I love, who loves me, my DC are OK, more than OK, both at uni doing really well, I have a great job I enjoy and that gives something back, and I have colleagues who are friends, and family who are there for me", For me, that is an exceptional result. And the amazing thing is, the more it goes well, the better it goes IYSWIM. Because I got into work, and during the day, I met someone who said "Oh, I've been hoping to meet you, because I wanted to offer you this X job". And it was the job of my dreams.

The exceptional can come to you. But you have to put in lots of time and effort and maybe even grief before you get there. But now, I'm 48 and yes, my life's exceptional, not mediocre. You can get there. 20 years might seem like a long time, but trust me, it isn't.

thirdglass - what a fab story, and you're so right about 20 years being nothing.

I think 40 ish can be a turning point. The youngish children and daily grind of work can seem repetitious. However if one sticks with it, life can soon change to children leaving home, more personal freedom and more interesting aspects of work.

Those who make it through seem to be those who keep fit and don't self destruct by divorce/despair/depression. This is not as easy as it sounds therefore do not underestimate the value of sticking with it and pulling through.

I find that when younger: 20s and thirties, it was easier to have clear goals and work towards these with no or few compromises. Opportunities continue to present all through life, but if one has messed up the daily routine of the forties then it is harder to take up the opportunities in the fifties.

Contentment is a different thing to success. Contentment seems to come from simply noticing the small but amazing occurrences in daily life and being happy about them. This, too, is a result of little responses every day- to one's amazing children, home, surroundings like the sky, trees, colleagues, people. Yet when one comes across the discontented for whom, in their fifties, discontent has become a reflex habit, it becomes apparent just how much one's whole response to life is determined in the forties.

Most of you would hate my life. DS1 has severe disabilities and is violent and doesn't sleep. I have very little money.

But I have a real laugh with DH and we both enjoy the little things in life and have a great sense of the ridiculous. I like books and film and I love nature and seeing the seasons change. We enjoy avoiding spending money and doing stuff for free or just wandering around charity shops and auctions when we can and looking out for bargains.

I don't know if it is happiness, and I really could do with a lot more money to ease life, but being forced into the position of having to appreciate the every day stuff because having DS1 has meant I have very few options in life. Sometimes too much choice is a difficult thing

Enthusiasm and curiosity and love are different to contentment or success. For me the internet has been a fantastic opportunity to satisfy my curiosity as one can look up and find out about all sorts of stuff: its not just about shopping but the types of birds, shapes of clouds, history of places, how to do stuff, its all there for the asking. But its still not the same as real life. Real life is even better because it throws up stuff one hasn't asked for. As often as not, this is good stuff.

The great philosopher Sheryl Crow once said "It's not getting what you want, but wanting what you got." It rings true to me, but I can't forget that she also dated Lance Armstrong, so I'm not sure I trust her judgement .

Joking aside, I think some people are just better at contentment/ counting their blessings than others. I've always been a malcontent. I always want something more. That's not to say I'm not basically happy, but there's always a little nagging voice telling me to get out there and conquer the new frontier/ do something new. I'm not sure it's about progress or achievement so much as novelty.

Here is the million dollar question, ask yourself "what is it I want?" and then "how will I know when I get there?" you have to know what personal success feels like for you, and why and then ACTUALLY take steps to get there. I feel strongly about this because as part of my job I do a lot of career and life coaching, I meet lots of people who say similar things to OP and others on this thread and whilst there are no magic bullets to an extraordinary life, I can honestly say I have NEVER met anyone who, didn't have a story to tell or potential to tap into. I am happy to DM with anyone who would appreciate a chat, and will close this little rant by saying that we often put ourselves last in life, especially juggling family and careers but this is one area you must not neglect. You'll be surprised what you can achieve but You have to know what you want, have a strategy to get there, put in sone work, and open your mind... Sending positive vibes to you all xxx