To wonder if other people feel trapped in a mediocre life

[neepsntatties]

I am not living the life I hoped I would, I am lucky in lots of ways - healthy kids, decent job etc but it all feels a bit bland. I've made some big mistakes which mean I am not doing what I wanted and while what I do is not awful I feel a real sense of loss and sadness about it all. Marriage going through a difficult patch, kids lovely but I often feel trapped by them.

Is this just normal? Do other people feel like this? How do I accept my lot and stop feeling sorry for myself?

Beaver, we rented out our house and went travelling for 6 months last year, it is possible without selling your house. We enrolled ds in a school in our destination so no schooling worries, or else you could homeschool for a while.

Interesting to read the two sides of "I never did the thing I wanted" and the "I changed my life and never looked back", because I feel as though I am in the middle!

Six months ago, I decided to go for it and start my own business. I was pretty unfulfilled, working p/t, had started to obsess with cleaning...

I am now six months down the line, and my emotions on it are up and down and all over the place. Sometimes business is quiet and I stress about not being able to pay my staff. The next day we are really busy, and I run around stressing about not getting time to walk the dogs/ pick up the kids/ eat lunch. I'm working long hours, and dealing with a shedload more stress (and guilt- keep forgetting kids' parties, periodically shudder at the state of the oven/ bathroom/ washing pile). meet lots of lovely people, but also lots of really horrible ones. Feel extremely tired, and old, and poor. Struggling financially despite huge effort and time, but keep telling myself we will get there. Eventually.

I need a holiday, but I can't have one. I need a day off, but I can't afford one (and would only stress about the business all the time I was off ) I feel like I've aged 10 years and have more responsibilities than I can cope with, at times. I look old and tired and can't even afford the time or money to get my hair cut. (Do still find time for the gym, though- that's a must!)

All being said, I'm not sorry I did this, and I know it will probably come really good in a few years, but it is tough tough going at the moment, with no guarantees that there will be a rewarding life at the end- I could fail. There is no buzz- more like a sick gnawing worry, all the time. I don't see it as "exciting" so much as nerve-wracking, but then I wouldn't have done it if I was completely satisfied with my old (easier) life, would I??

Dh won't agree to it. Well more importantly he wouldn't be able to take a sabbatical and jobs in his sector are hard to come by. But even if he could, he wouldn't. He'd hate it. I've tried to talk him into emigrating to oz where I can walk into a job but he won't.

Beaver, sometimes though you just think life is boring when actually it isn't. I have a tendency to think I should be aspiring to be the next PM, or that I should be retraining as a neuro-surgeon - because I was always taught that unless you were aspiring to achieve more, you weren't pushing yourself hard enough. I think some of us have this achievement thing so instilled that we set ourselves unrealistic expectations. When I start on one of my OMG I'm going to do this for the next 20 years, I take a breath & try and count my blessings. Not in a smug way, but in a grateful way. It is so easy to take the good bits for granted.

No, I know what you're saying bugsy. In fact lots of people I know have openly said they're a bit envious of me having what's perceived as an interesting job, plus buggering off in the van at the drop of a hat, hippy style.

Wasn't brad Pitt saying recently that he used to have a boring life, and that was when he was an a list, film star.

Then I look at my dad who's disabled and house bound and I guess that really is a boring life!

Dh wants me to take up an extreme sport that he does. Maybe I should!

Hollywood has a lot to answer for. The way I see it, none of us has a right (nor should we expect) to be 100% happy 100% of the time. After all, how can we know just how good the good bits are if we don't have boring and/or crappy bits to compare them to?

I'm sure you have done all the stuff people have suggested - looking for people in a worse state than yourself etc etc - but there is a difference between UNDERSTANDING that you are in a better place than most and actually FEELING it.

Decide if you could be clinically depressed or not - the use of the words "loss and sadness" suggest this is more than being a bit down in the dumps. If so, go to your GP for some help in sorting it out.

If not, take matters into your own hands. You CAN change where you are, professionally, in your relationship etc. Ask yourself what is holding you back - is it money, or lack of support, or is your self esteem slipping? Have you talked your feelings through with your partner? Do you have good friends who can help you offload over a bottle of wine or a cup of tea?

Do you take time to enjoy your kids, rather than just caring for them? Mine are now in their 20s and when I look back at their childhoods I see too many times where I bothered about balanced diets, regular bedtimes, homework and their petty arguments and not enough times where I just sat and appreciated them as funny, clever, loving little souls. Older people always tell you to enjoy your kids, and I remember thinking "Oh sod off - how can I enjoy lack of sleep, teething, lack of social life etc??" but you know what, they were right!

Anyway, the good news is that it WILL get better. I thought my life was over at 30 when I had three kids and no career, even though DH had a well-paid job and we had a lovely home. But it was a passing phase (albeit quite a long one, five years at least!). By the time I was approaching 40 I began to feel more in control, more empowered, went back to university and started down a career route. Kids became teenagers and much more capable of looking after themselves. DH struggled with me not being a stay at home mum at first, but eventually got over it and even learnt to cook.

And now I am in my 50s and despite wrinkles and menopause, life really is the best it has ever been. My kids are wonderful independent adults, DH and I are like a young couple again, and I have a career I love. Life IS boring sometimes, but no pain, no gain ... by the time you are my age, you could well be looking back and wondering what you ever worried about. Just keep thinking positive and remember, the only thing that can stop you achieving the life you really want - is you. Good luck, lots of love xx

This thread made discussion of the day! That has excited me, see I am easily pleased really!

We took 6 months off and lived abroad, homeschooling kids. Was great but I missed friends. We still had to come back to reality. For me, doing something major would have to be really big otherwise it wouldn't cut it for me. I'm 47 with pg qualifications - can I do that route again?

I have academic friends - they seem to love their lives.

neeps - I trained at drama school in my forties... at the same time (but not at the same school) as my son.

neeps, when I went to uni my Dad (age 48) went to Drama School. He chucked in his well paid, CEO role at a market research firm and became an actor. He and my mum never talked about it because she could never believe he was going to do it and I don't think he ever faced up to what it was going to do my mum's dreams. (Her "for the extras and a few treats" job became the breadwinning job overnight.) At the time I was immensely proud of my Dad for following his dreams, in retrospect he was a bit selfish and totally dumped on my mum, although if she'd even talked to him about it it might have helped. I'm glad he did it though. He worked a bit, few films, fringe theatre, lots of business training - nothing major, but he was far happier than if he'd stayed in his previous job. He died age 58 from prostate cancer. carpe diem.

Really! How exciting verlaine - do you mind saying which school you went to? What did your son think of it? Where did he go?

neeps I know exactly how you feel - right down to the rural isolation - and I also feel pretty ad a lot of the time BUT I have (just - in mid 40s) got a new career which I love - v part time at the moment but I'm hoping that it will get more FT and it gives me something to work for :) so it is never too late to do what you want. Have you thought about amateur dramatics? That could lead to something and at least you'd meet others with the same interests.

Also I agree about campaigning/volunteering - it can make you feel better if you feel that you are doing something which does really matter.

I think that how you feel is absolutely normal though - it is why our mothers took Valium and our grandmothers gin.

I'll send you a pm .

X post, gosh monkey your dad must have been so glad he went for it. Sorry you lost him so young, my dad was 63, it felt far too early.

Seven years ago DP and me threw in our jobs, rented the house and went off travelling for 6 months too. I'd been really unhappy in my career (big ££ but destroying my soul) and came back with a clear head. DP got a new job and I retrained into the public sector. I earn a lot less but LOVE my job - I feel like I am making a contribution to society, which gives me a sense of purpose and a reason to get up in the morning. There is no way I could have carried on doing what I was doing for another 20 years.
Get thee to drama school!

Both my children were (and are) very supportive. It was really interesting comparing notes with my ds!

However, earning a living as a performer is incredibly hard. Much, much harder than anyone outside the profession can begin to grasp I think. The vast majority of actors I know have to have another job (either regularly or occasionally) to keep the wolf from the door.

I do know that going to into the profession later can be a positive thing. A bit of life experience and the realisation that there are more important things in life than acting can keep you sane (and keep your feet on the ground).

And I am sure the people starving in Ethiopia would find it absurd that we complain about banality

But then that prooves there is more to happiness than material wealth, beauty and status. It is a cliche but oh so true. I don't think it is obtained through jetting off into the sunset though. It is in relationships and their depth and meaning.

I was a nurse and I nursed many dying people. We don't face death like we should - with honesty and frankness. What is a life worth living? Try reading some Tolstoy, he sould be read in schools I think.

Narcissism and greed are to blame. Too often we run around trying to satisfy an image - the image our parents wanted us to be, the image society dictates we should be. But at the core of ourselves, it is a true passion and something that absorbs us that will give us meaning as well as love. That isn't found in running away.

And a lot of damage is done with the notion that motherhood somehow ruins your chance to live a fulfilling life. It is okay to have passions outside of it to want interests to absorb us when the children leave home. But don't be fooled by the notion that 'we could have been great but I threw it away'

Average really is okay.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at some of your posts. Probably because I could have written many of them.

I'm nearly 40, 2 DC and a husband that works really hard to provide for us.

I'm really not sure what would make me happier. So I can't take any positive action really. I feel that I should be more content, but I've definitely lost the 'joy' out of my life.

Like so many on this thread, I can really relate to the OP. As a teenager, I thought I was going to change the world, believed that my life would be special. Now I wonder if I've wasted my opportunities, allowed life to pass me by.

On paper, it isn't bad. I have travelled, lived in some interesting places. Have a good career, nice house, beautiful dd and decent OH. But it isn't the life I imagined, and I don't even know how I'd want it to be different. I am just conscious of so much wasted potential.

I'm forty next year. I know it isn't too late to do something with my life, but what to do? I don't even know. boglach, it's a good question - what is a life worth living?

To paraphrase Marge Simpson: 'I used to be disappointed with life but then I let something inside of me die and I felt a lot better'.

There's so many words of wisdom on this thread!

When I was younger and felt like this I used to think of my Nana, whose life was so hard the idea of wondering if you were happy would have been totally alien. The more comfortable lives we lead now have led to us having higher expectations which may not always be reasonable.

Maybe it's an age thing but like TinaBoo I have now reached my 50s and am genuinely contented with my life. After a couple of recent family issues I now count my blessings (hopefully like Bugsy in a grateful, non-smug way) and thank God for a "boring" uneventful life!

For me the malaise set in last year when I turned 35. Several of my friends lost their parents when they (the parents) were in their late 30's/early 40's and I'm sure that has something to do with it.

DH and I have been together 15 years and have little in common - as others have said he just doesn't 'get' me. I would like to experience as much of what life has to offer as possible - he appears to be quite content with living in the 'burbs, trotting off somewhere nearby for a 'holiday' once a year, a bit of sport with his mates and crashing out in front of the TV of an evening.

I've been content with this for a long time too, but over the last few years (since DD started school I guess) I feel like I've got back in touch with the real me. Frankly I like her much better than the person I'd become, but trying to be true to that is sooo hard with DH, DD, work and ageing parents to factor in.

Still, I have gone back to my first love - writing - and am getting some very positive feedback on an amateur level. Am planning to have a crack at self-publishing on Kindle and hoping to write a novel/screenplay over the next year or so. I've rearranged my working hours so I get a day 'home alone' each week to write which is great. My DH and my Mum don't understand why I'm writing for pleasure rather than money (trained as a journo but now write fiction) and tell me I should 'get my priorities right' but I smile sweetly and ignore them .

Mostly I'm enjoying it and not putting pressure on myself to make it about financial gain (although hopefully that will come in time), and I think it makes me a better writer.

And writing this has made me realise that maybe life isn't so bad after all.

As George Eliot said: "It's never too late to be what you might have been."

I always thought I'd be a writer. Didn't happen.

So I'm going to work on my blog and join Mumsnet Bloggers...it's something after all. And change my diet. I think I eat too much sugar and it's throwing me wildly off balance.

Sounds like your priorities are spot on to me.

I think I don't feel very connected to anything. If I had a sense of belonging or community somewhere in my life I think it would help.

Its interesting people say they wish they had done more when they were younger and free to do so. Sometimes I think though that makes it worse - because you feel even more trapped and frustrated when your can't do those things anymore.

I has an idyllic childhood, went to one of the world's top university's, went travelling for a year through Asia and India at 21, have worked in Chicago, London and the Middle East, have had a varied social life and earned very good money enabling me to visit over 40 different countries on both business and pleasure trips. I now work 8 - 4 in a very easy job earning a tax free salary and bringing in the kind of money one would get working 24/7 as a corporate CEO in the UK. I have one beautiful, healthy amazingly good 11 month old daughter who has been textbook in sleeping, eating and everything else since the day she was born and I am 7 months pregnant with DD2. My husband is a SAHD, does all the housework, washing and ironing 10x better than I could, is the most incredible father and a loving partner. I have great friends and the most amazing supportive parents. I am basically one of the luckiest people I know. But I am STILL unfulfilled.

I kind of feel "cheated" because I was under the impression having children would give my life the deeper meaning and purpose that I always felt was lacking before. That has not however been the case for me - much as I adore my baby. Instead I feel progressively trapped by the responsibility of paying 3 mortgages and being the sole breadwinner for my family. I try every month to balance the books and stick to plans for the future so we can actually have a life in our retirement but my plans to move out of my current career zone to something which pays less but is more satisfying seem further away each year with the escalating cost of living and increasing family size. All I feel is stress and - well, basically numbness. I seem unable to actually enjoy any of this beautiful life I have.

I think perhaps an poster above hit the nail on the head when she talked of "challenges". My job is very well paid but is not at all challenging or fulfilling. I believe we need challenges in life to feel satisfied with ourselves. But I am afraid to move to a company where the work will be harder and the hours longer because I don't want to lose time with my husband and children and because I secretly suspect I might be fundamentally lazy. I feel like this life I have has landed in my lap without me really having to do anything to earn it - although I know realistically that can't be true - but I feel no sense of pride or achievement.

In short I wish I knew what I wanted out of life because then I could actually go for it. It's not knowing what your ambitions are which is so soul destroying. I envy those people who have a dream, an ambition that they have always wanted to do - even if they can't actually go for it right now - at least they have a goal, a focus. I don't actually KNOW what would make me happy.

Maybe some people are just miserable, dissatisfied buggers no matter how good they have it and I'm one of them.

Or it could be the ante-natal depression and being pregnant for the best part of 2 years which is somewhat affecting my views!