To wonder if other people feel trapped in a mediocre life

[neepsntatties]

I am not living the life I hoped I would, I am lucky in lots of ways - healthy kids, decent job etc but it all feels a bit bland. I've made some big mistakes which mean I am not doing what I wanted and while what I do is not awful I feel a real sense of loss and sadness about it all. Marriage going through a difficult patch, kids lovely but I often feel trapped by them.

Is this just normal? Do other people feel like this? How do I accept my lot and stop feeling sorry for myself?

fatshionista - my dp has bipolar and a bone illness - causes bad bone pain and affects mobility. Although good health has an impact, you can be happy with serious illnesses. I think it is harder when you are younger and can see people your own age who are mostly healthy. But life can still be very happy - its learning to manage your illness thats key, and that takes time.

It might probably be too late to become an actor that makes a living from acting. But its not too late to still indulge your love - bit parts, amateur theatre - some have very high standards, although I know not all.

a young person's game? not realistic now I have dc? who decided this - you?

Well, when you were a young child I bet you used to jump out of bed with excitement every day, even if it was just to chose your breakfast, watch tv, play in the garden. I think it comes from within, you can regain your joie de vivre.

I wanted to work in theatre but it's a young person's game

No it isn't. I work in the theatre and there are plenty of people who come to it later in life. Ok it's not practical to up sticks and tour with a young family but there are lots of other ways to be involved with theatre/drama.
You only get one go at this whole life thing so don't let your dreams slip too easily.

Ever heard the song 'Never been to me'?

We all feel a bit peed off at times but personally I love my life; i love being alive. The alternative isn't much fun anyway.
I'm 47 and have always had things incredibly hard since birth. Even now with 2 boys who will never leave home, get married, work etc (Severe special needs) my life isn't always my own but hey, make the best of what you have.
I did a degree couple of years back and now doing PGCE PT...ok so I'm the older in the class but probably also one of the wisest and most worldly in many ways. It's great.

(but if anyone knows how to get rid of wrinkles please let me know as i don't like them very much at all)

Thanks, this thread has cheered me up. It helps to have just said it somewhere!

Ouch - I don't have even one of lesley's 7 things to make you happy - no wonder I am a bit miserable. It IS my own fault for not getting outside and going for a walk and being more positive, but at the moment getting out of bed is often a challenge - I probably need a bit of a kick up the arse. I gave up everything to try and retrain in something I love and am passionate about - and have failed. Not due to lack to talent, due to lack of money [hsad]. Just bad circumstances with the financial climate - I took a big risk and it didn't work out. I just need to grit my teeth and be thankful I have a warm roof over my head and food in my belly today, even if I may not have for long

Esta that is good to hear! I hope it is not too late for me to have performing be a part of my life in some way.

Skinned that sounds awful, to have dared to reach for what you want and have finance get in the way is really unfair.

I keep saying it is not the end neeps - but it is hard. IF I can get a job and save for a few years and IF the financial crisis gets better, then I can hopefully get a bank loan. When I started this degree there were loans for students on second degrees - now there are not. I just need to wait it out and pray I can get some sort of job and not get into debt. If I cannot do those things I will be the best EVER qualified person working in Mcdonalds, cleaning toilets etc etc

Lots of good advice above. I also think it has something to do with our unrealistic expectations of life in today's society though. We feel we should be entitled to excitement/happiness all the time, when the reality of life just isn't like that. OP said that life sometimes feels "a bit bland" - I think that is very much part of everyday life no matter what your circumstance, because should you be a SAHM, a pilot or a celebrity, the fact is you do similar things day in day out - life is routine to an extent, it has to be.

Ironically, I think that sometimes all this soul searching and striving for 'fulfilled, happy lives' actually makes us less content.

I also think that there is a big difference between contentment and happiness, and the media seem to sell us dreams of being happy 100% of the time, which is just not possible or natural. Contentment is more realistic.

Happiness is a practice, not a destination.

Op - you are not alone.

I woke up this morning, the sun was shining and I thought, rather philosophically 'what's it all about?'

Why was I born? I've made no contribution to the world. Would anything different have happened if I hadn't been born?

Middle child said , "yes I'd have to do my own ironing if you weren't here."

So every cloud has a silver lining ..... eye rolling sarcastic smillie

Neeps - the national treasure that is Liz Smith didn't start acting till late in life and didn't really get going till she was about 48.
Margaret Rutherford was in her mid-30s when she started.
Alan Rickman was about 30-odd when he started.
I worked with an actor recently who'd started doing bit parts after retiring as a solicitor and was having a fantastic time. He's in his late 60s.
There are no rules - only the ones you impose on yourself.

I retrained in my 40s - and it took most of the decade. I know age is rarely an advantage, but there is just nothing I can do about my age. I try to change the things I can change. I can't say that it is all working out brilliantly just yet - but I have to feel I am on a road to somewhere and not drifting.

I do have an interesting career, and a 'bigger goal' if you like...but, I find it very stressful. I sometimes look at people who have more children, or are working part-time, and think perhaps I should have gone a slightly calmer route. I often feel like everything is about to spin off the rails. It never does, and we muddle through, but there is some sacrifice in terms of peace of mind and day to day contentment.

I just wanted to illustrate that there are downsides to seemingly more exciting lives (not mega-exciting, but quite often SAHP say to me 'how do you do all that, I couldn't?') I toy with the idea of stepping off the ladder a bit.

I also second whoever said you have to be flexible. Not everyone who set out young to be in theatre or acting will have had a brilliant career in it at all, only a few get to be 'successful' in that sense, but there are lots of people teaching it, doing it as an amateur, setting up clubs with friends, doing courses abroad with pretty much anything. Think creatively about all the ways you could be involved with the things you love/suit your personality and see if you can't make some of them happen.

As for the people with four children saying they feel a bit 'meh', I would have loved to have had four children, because of work/career and age, it's increasingly unlikely. Your 'meh' is someone else's dream! It's all about perspective.

Normal to feel like that but then I think we are bloody lucky to be in a position where 'bland' and 'bleugh' is as bad as it gets. I feel very lucky with what I have but yes it can all be quite bland and mundane at times, makes the good and extra special times all that more special.

It might probably be too late to become an actor that makes a living from acting

Noooo! it';s never too late - think about Uncle Albert from Only Fools and Horses - he spent his working life as a bank manger then discovered theatre! It's never too late!

Be careful what you wish for. My life is in some elements exceptional and believe me its not easy to deal with. There are good bits certainly but other parts are very difficult and I often find myself wishing for a bland life

I don't think that it is ever too late and you don't have to settle. If you have a goal in mind do it!
Life is full of people who did things late in life e.g.Mary Wesley-first book published aged over 70yrs, Beryl Cook started painting in middle age, 2005 over 11300 marathon runners were aged over 60yrs. There are hundreds of examples.
If you are really unhappy do something..........today. (or plan it today)

I am dying to know what the people who say they have exciting lifes actually do!

I think I need to look into childcare. I work 3 days and am home the rest of the time. I find the days at home very hard, they feel like one big long clean with moaning children around. I would love to just sit and read a book or do some study or exercise. Maybe I should get a baby sitter.

I have been pushing for change this year, started my own business and this course plus work so am busy, just so much I want to do but there is no child free time.

Anyway I feel like a bit of a brat now, I have a good life. I just often feel overwhelmed with this sadness. Perhaps I am just doo lally.

Time on your own is very restorative, if you can get any. Would you be able to get a couple of hours off, get your partner/friend/childcare/family to do that for you? If you are working hard and cleaning/housekeeping on the other days it sounds like you are alway working, never switched off. Why can't your husband look after the children while you go out for a night out, to a book club or just look after them on Sat morning so you can have a lie in. You sound short of time to yourself more than anything.

You say your marriage is in difficulties too, in my experience this really colours the rest of your life, so you are bound to feel dissatisfied. I have no great answers on that one, but if you hang out in the relationship section you may see advice on books to read/patterns of behaviour, or see some of the thread and think my husband's not that bad!

I feel exactly the same as you today neeps - overwhelmingly sad. I know that I am lucky in lots of ways - husband, DS, parents both alive, a responsible job which I enjoy (most of the time!).

BUT I just feel that life is passing me by. DS is old enough to be doing his own thing more and more and I miss the closeness we shared when he was younger. DH and I have different views on quite a lot of things and I don't feel I can share this sadness with him - he just wouldn't understand.

He senses that something is wrong and has asked me several times today what's the matter. When I started to say that I feel we're stuck in a rut his answer was "well you may be but I'm not". I couldn't be bothered to carry on the conversation - we have argued a lot recently and I just feel ground down by it.

Sorry not to be of any help but you're definitely not on your own!

Have the odd day when the green eyed monster gets the better and I start to
think if only. But I'm not any of the things I sometimes daydream about being and I'm glad.

I have my DP who has honestly saved my life, my beautiful children and as a family we have a certain kind of conciousness. There's lots going on every day even in the seemingly mundane, there's always something to
notice and be thankful for.

life is what you make it!write a list of what you want to change,what you want to achieve and work on it.
if someone had told me 6 months ago that id be studying full time and hoping to go to uni next year,id have laughed in theyre face.im taking my dreams and chasing them!yes its hard with the dc but i think its good for them to see that mummy has dreams and mummys going to try bloody hard to achieve them!
goodluck!

I genuinely find this thread hard to understand. I was a plain child, top average, never shone at school and was consigned to a secretarial course and a year in Switzerland at finishing school. Never really expected much but was always interested in things and always very content with my lot. Got a job in the City working for Eurobond sales/tradesmen bobbed along with it, got there early because I liked it, moved to the syndicate desk and became a Bond Salesman. Met DH supported him to work all the hours god sent while lots of the other mums bitched about their lot, felt really grateful I had been able to give up work (which they hadn't had in the first place) to be with the DC. DD started school and I got a part-time job because after two terms I literally had run out of things to clean and the oven wasn't talking to me and the other mums were driving me nuts with banality. I gave myself a target of five years to get some professional qualifications (didn't have a degree - left school in 1977 when very few went to uni). Got the professional quals, and an MBA all funded by the workplace BUT I started at the bottom doing a bit of filing and answering the phone. That was 8 years ago and now have a middle management job which I love and which puts something back into my local community.

At times life has been very hard work and very banal and lots and lots of people wouldn't have got up at 5am every morning for two years to study when they had two dc at different schools in opposite directions. Indeed lots of the mums made cats bum faces when I said where I was working and what I was doing a the beginning. Now, they say "well it's alright for you".

I've never felt my life is boring or bland or banal but I've never shied from doing things that others have thought are boring or bland or banal or even beneath them. I do things that are boring like everyone else because that is a part of life but whilst I do them I think about the good things and what I'm going to do later, even if it's only a walk through the park, or to buy a bottle of bubble bath on the way home or to go outside and to check if some buds have opened, or to smell the fresh laundry from the line - even though it then needs ironing!

I never really planned anything, never planned a job in the City, never planned a second career, never planned to marry a man who would make a mint but I can honestly say I think I would be happy with whatever I had providing there was love in my life. I did always want children though and like Lesley said, God has always been a part of my life.