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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my DP he can't spend an evening a fortnight with his female friend?

323 replies

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 15:05

My DP has a friendship with a woman he has known for about 10 years (they are along each other's best friends). There is absolutely nothing 'untoward' going on between them. His friend is in a relationship and has two DCs and nothing sexual or otherwise is going on between them.

However, DP goes to see this friend once a fortnight and they spend a couple of hours hanging out. I have told him I don't want him doing this anymore, because he commutes to work every day and if he goes to see this friend, I won't see him on this night until we go to bed as he often doesn't get home until about 7 (I see him briefly before he goes, but that's it). I would be happier if he saw this friend maybe once a month or less.

He thinks IABU because I see my friends more often (though I get home from work by 5:15 and go out with them straight away and then get home by 9, he won't come home until about 10). He also thinks I'm jealous.

Who is BU?

OP posts:

Original poster

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 22:18

"BIL" hasn't decided anything. It's just that his girlfriend has said this. I did make that clear up thread, so sorry if you missed that.

Sorry that you find a perfectly innocent friendship conjures up "weird" and "creepy" comparisons, I do think it's a bit of a hang up tbh. If some people on this thread don't get that it's not weird, not creepy and entirely non-sexual by now, I don't know that there's anything I can do to convince them.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 22:20

Also, tbh, I don't think a normal friendship is anything bordering bohemian or alternative (presuming that is the implication?).

OP posts:

Morloth · 22/10/2011 22:20

YABU because of the annoying reversal/drip feeding shit.

It doesn't matter if you or we think the girlfriend is unreasonable. Only your BIL's opinion of her reasonableness counts.

If he stops coming to your place once a fortnight that is his call, he is an adult.

2rebecca · 22/10/2011 22:22

Why did you post on IABU if you are sure what you are doing is right and are convinced people who think you are being unreasonable are "wrong".
AIBU isn't about "convincing" people, or shouldn't be. You asked for people's opinions. You're getting them. Some agree with you some don't. Deciding the people who disagree with you are "wrong" seems pointless.

Original poster

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 22:25

I haven't decided people are wrong.

I posted for opinions, I'm grateful for the opinions. I didn't post to ask who was wrong.

I'm not sure where you've got the whole "what you are doing is right" thing from....I really don't know what you mean!

OP posts:

samandi · 22/10/2011 22:26

LMAO! This thread is hilarious.

IMO it is entirely reasonable to want to see your best friend once every couple of weeks and completely daft, bonkers, insecure, controlling and mentally imbalanced to tell your partner that s/he MAY NOT SEE their best friend once every couple of weeks because s/he cannot function without you for a few hours (unless you're at work of course, where s/he knows you're possibly busily not HAVING FUN WITHOUT HIM/HER).

"I am still fascinated by the idea that some of the posters think that having a male friend around for dinner while your OH is out is a bit suspicious."

Me too! Do these people seriously have no social lives/friendships that don't involve their partners? It's a concept that I seriously can't get my head around. Paranoia, suspicions, anxiety, stress ... what a way to live your life.

Original poster

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 22:31

Samandi, that's kind of the perspective I'm coming from. I'm very laidback, so is DP. We see friends of the opposite sex all the time without each other being there, it's just not a big thing. That's why I'm still struggling to accept this might come down to the fact that it's a male/female friendship in question. It's the stark contrast of considering this situation with DP's brother being DP's sister that makes me realise how different things could/would be. I really don't want his girlfriend thinking I am a threat to her, I would never be a threat, I would never actively try to be either.

OP posts:

Animation · 22/10/2011 22:31

OP - I think you should go with your instincts - and if you're not happy about this arrangement then you should speak up and have your say.

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 22:48

TG I get you are laidback about it

I get that your P is laidback about his brother coming around to hang out with you, but only when he is out

I get that M/F intimate friendships exist

what I don't get is why the gf has no opinion on this, according to you

in fact...you disrespect her opinion so much you pretend to be her on an internet forum to engender lots of "you are insecure and needy and need to get a grip" responses

all to justify your life staying the same

you sound selfish, and entitled, and so far up your own arse you are unwilling to accept any opinion other than your own

Morloth · 22/10/2011 22:50

I agree with AnyFucker's comment about the way you have gone about this being manipulative as well.

You seem to believe that your position is unreasonable hence the need to paint the girlfriend in a bad/silly light in order to get everyone to take your side.

If your BIL would prefer to spend his evenings with his girlfriend rather than you (for any reason) then you just have to accept that your relationship with him has changed. You don't know what is going on between them, you only know what he has told you.

rockinhippy · 22/10/2011 22:53

I've been in your shoes & whilst I think your Mates DP IS VBU, I also think perhaps you need to make more of an effort with his DP ?can't they both come over to visit together for example??, either you'll become firm friends with her too, or she'll soon get bored & realise she has no worries & after living with him for a while will relish the bit of space him visiting you gives

If it were me in his DPs shoes, I wouldn't mind at all if my DH meeting up/visiting his FF on his own, but I WOULD mind if I was made to feel unwelcome/excluded, I think most of us would

Original poster

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 22:53

Of course she has an opinion in this! I never said she didn't! I don't disrespect her opinion either, but that doesn't mean I'm not able to question it. I think you've taken this way away from where it should be. There was no intention to get specific responses, I don't expect you to believe and I frankly don't really care if you do! You are a stranger on a forum, I respect your opinion, but that's it.

I'm really not selfish, I don't have any sense of entitlement and I am certainly not up my own arse and unwilling to accept any opinion other than my own. How ridiculous!

I do wonder sometimes if you are even reading your comments properly when you write to people on here AF, you are extremely rude.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 22/10/2011 22:55

YABVU! Would it be different if it was a male friend

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 22:55

well of course, you would think I am extremely rude, TG

I would call you on your manipulative approach in RL though, make no mistake

Morloth · 22/10/2011 22:56

Why did you ask if you were being unreasonable if you are so sure you aren't?

Original poster

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 22:56

They both come over, hippy. I have questionned on here whether I should try to spend more time with her myself (and with the DCs), I didn't get much of a response to it on the whole, don't know if people were caught up in debating or whether they thought it was a bad idea, but oh well!

She really isn't unwelcome, either in my life or my home.

If she doesn't like me, that's fine, but I wish she would at least say that! She has never given me any idea that she might feel that way.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheGirlfriend · 22/10/2011 22:58

I didn't say I wasn't, I was asking for opinions. Are my posts invisible to people?!

AF, I think you're rude because you are rude, it's not a great stretch. Don't care what you'd call me on in RL tbh.

OP posts:

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 22:58

for feedback of course

however, that feedback was not requested honestly was it?

case in point, OP is still getting responses based on her OP, which is completely bollocksed

fuzzynavel · 22/10/2011 23:03

To put it another way then OP. I had a bf once that had a "friend" and there ended up being a relationship. Maybe somewhere in her life this stuff happened. She obviously feels threatened by you and you harping on isnt helping. Just back off then. He likes her a lot and maybe in time she will come to see you in a different light.

grubly · 22/10/2011 23:05

jeez calm down Apf why are you getting so cross? TG really has been very kind about her friend's partner and asked for lots of advice on how to make her feel secure. She has also explained why she reverse posted- i really cant see where all this manipulation stuff is coming from. lots of people reverse post like that- its just a different way to get responses.

rockinhippy · 22/10/2011 23:07

in which case, as was said earlier you are going to have to back off & let him make his own mind up,

sadly if she is that way inclined, it will only get worse & worse & she's not likely to come right out & tell him or you she doesn't like you?. she sounds perhaps insecure, so is more likely to be manipulative over it & if he's spineless with her, she will eventually get her own way, whilst he convinces himself he understands her better than you do & thats why he takes her side when the row does eventually blow up

IME back of & accept it as it is, but let him know you are still there for him if he does decide to pop over?. last thing he needs is feeling like piggy in the middle, his life is with her now & he'll either stand up to her in time, or not, either way he will need his friends when the shit eventually does hit the fan& if you are really his friend you will understand that & back off & be there when he does need you

good luck

fuzzynavel · 22/10/2011 23:07

Pack that up AF are you bored

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 23:09

neither bored, nor cross

how funny that you think so

fuzzynavel · 22/10/2011 23:12

"cracks up" at AF

fuzzynavel · 22/10/2011 23:18

bravo rockinhippy, said what i meant in a far more eloquent way.

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